We Must, We Must, We Must Study Your Bust

Feature image via The Courier Mail

Boobs. Melons. Bazongas. Yabbos. Tittays. You have them. Scientists want to study them.

Teams at the University of Gloucester and the University of Portsmouth conducted a study that started with a bunch of ladies taking off their bras. Dr. Joanna Scurr et al. sought to relate can characteristics to mammary motion. They put 48 volunteers with a range of cup and band sizes on treadmills sans support; voluntits were measured to see how far and fast the boobs bounced as the women ran.

So what did this landmark study discover? Surprise! Bigger boobs bounce more than tinier tatas! The scientists said their discoveries on bare-breasted kinematics could be applied to the design and construction of better built bras. Additional Portsmouth research showed larger bosoms tend to sag and belong to women with higher BMIs. Gee, you’d think you could’ve come to both of those conclusions by merely looking down.

Exquisite Form Ad via LuLu’s Vintage

You may titter, but there is so much more to discover in the Land of Knockers. Brassiere designers, athletes, scientists and boob-endowed ladies are curious!

Wanna know what happens when you run wearing nothing but reflective pasties? Besides getting weird looks, you’ll also be a less effective runner. Sports bras compress your breasts so that they contribute less to overall body weight, which decreases impact on the body and reduces the risk of injury.

Still confused if your bra is the breast it can be? Scurr et al. wanted to see what cause your mammaries to move the most. Turns out it’s a two-step star jump! So armed with that knowledge, jump around in the dressing room next time you’re bra shopping to ensure it’s doing its job.

Do you jiggle ’til it hurts? Researchers found your boobies will bounce no matter what you wear. Wear a better fitting bra that reduces motion in all three planes to slow your jugs down and lessen the pain.

Want to know what the best material is for building a better sports bra? Turns out the jury’s still out on that one. All we know is that stiffer fabrics tend to be better.

Bottom line: boobs are interesting no matter what. So if you feel like unclasping, walking, jumping or running, there’s someone out there who wants to study you. You know, for science.

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Hailing from Vancouver, Kristen's still trying to figure out how to survive Montreal's Real Legitimate Canadian Winter. So far she's discovered that warm socks, giant toques and Tabby kittens all play a role in her survival. Her ultimate goal is to rank higher than KStew in the "Kristen + Autostraddle" Google Search competition.

Kristen has written 139 articles for us.


  1. My bra size is 32H. I.e., tiny waist, ungodly large boobs. I could’ve walked into their lab and singlehandedly provided every bit of knowledge they just derived from lots of science money.

    P.s. after three years of problems communicating butch gender identity (and twice-weekly chiropractor visits) I’m getting a surgical reduction in t-10 days. wooooo!

    • I’m 30G, I feel your pain. I’m a super femme and I am constantly frustrated by underwear companies not making my size. Big boobed ladies want to wear pretty lacy things too! With my body shape I am so lucky that I am super feminine, I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be if I had a different gender identity.

      • There are a lot of companies that specialize in large cup sizes– if you need any recommendations, email me or leave a comment on my blog and I can give you some pointers! As may be obvious from my name, i’m kinda into lingerie.

        [email protected]

      • There are alot of great companies making your size, but you’re going to have to go to a speciality store and pay around $100.
        I used to work at a store that offered sizes from 38B-42K, and Freya is my fav. Super femme and great support. If you get 2 or 3 (i know this is a lot of money) and treat them well they should last you a few years.

      • There are some great UK-Brand which are also sold in US. Look out for Curvy Kate, Elomi and Freya. They are not taht expensive and actually quite cute.

    • Man, I thought my 32DD was bad… I will have to stop complaining. Good luck with the reduction! Two of my friends have done it and both are super glad they did.

    • 28GG here… I hear ya! Had been thinking about a reduction for quite a while until I found a bra that actually fit. Yay boobies!

    • OMGGGGG 32H twins! I got a reduction 2 years ago and 34B yeyeyeye. As a genderfucker and enjoyer of minimal backpain, I feel you. Goodlucky with the surgery/don’t get sucked into watching The Real L Word while bedbound, unless you have some tylenol 3s handy

  2. Boobies! I love boobies! I have boobies! This is super relevant to my interests! Thank you Kristen!!!

  3. Every time I read an article like this, I remember to be grateful for being flat-chested.

    • Every time I read an article like this, I remember to be grateful for my big bouncy boobs.

      • Every time I read an article like this, I remember to be grateful for all women and their wonderful boobs.

        • Every time I read an article like this, all I can think about are boobs. And then I need a cold shower.

          • See..The thing about cold showers is they only work on killing male arousal. They actually do the opposite for women. I welcome a cold shower..A cold water plunge..And do I need to point out the effect that the cold has on boobs? Might I suggest fun with ice cubes….

    • Not gonna lie… if scientists start writing about bums there’s gonna be a great arse-icle about that. (Which kind of sounds like a popsicle shaped like a butt.)

  4. Yay!! First article! Gooood job Kristen. I tittered quite a bit reading this, and I learned that yabbos is a word.

  5. Of course, like anything else, I have a song for every little thing and or scenario, so I imagined Dopplereffekt in the background of the lab, as these women were getting *cough* “busted.” Then my imagination started running wild, into the land of erotica and I started laughing my ass off…


    I <3 my imagination, never a dull moment!

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