True Blood Ends Underwhelmingly, Glee Begins Showmantically, Hot Girls Outlast the VMAs

The 2009 VMAs: Only the Moments Alex Wants to Recap

by A;ex
I can’t remember the last time I watched the VMAs. I was so over it like Katherine McPhee. However, Lady Gaga can make me go to or watch anything if she’s going to be there (See: my pilgrimmage to Dinah Shore ’09).
Needless to say Gaga did not disappoint. No sir! I’ve had ‘Paparazzi’ stuck in my head all day and I’m totally fine with that. What can I say about Lady Gaga’s VMA performance besides that it was pretty much perfect? She’s … no, I won’t say “FIERCE!!” even though I want to. She’s fearless and it’s entertaining, unpredictable, insane, weird, and an ironic reflection of our obsession with fame itself. God, my love for this woman is eternal.

SPEAKING OF GOD AND ETERNITY:
gaga jesus
(via Riese’s Autostraddle Tumblr)

The other highlight of the night was obviously the tribute to Michael Jackson. We start with a sincere (and so very plastic surgery-ed) Madonna recounting her relationship with the icon, which was actually really nice. Then obviously ‘Thriller’ starts to which Riese comments:

“Oh my god. If they’re doing thriller I might as well just kill myself after this. My life is complete.”

I thought maybe the guy in the front was Travis from SYTYCD. Totally not. The dancers were some of the hottest choreographers in the industry: Dave Scott, Cris Judd, Brian Friedman, Wade Robson, Tyce Diorio, Travis Payne, Jeri Slaughter, Laurie Ann Gibson, Mia Michaels and Tina Landon.
That’s an impressive list even though I couldn’t spot them all. (Mia Michaels, what?!)
Also, that was too short. Where was ‘Beat It‘? It’s fine, I won’t complain. Janet killed it and it may or may not have brought a tear to my un-emotional eye ball.

Russell-Brand-2009-VMAsJust saying:

Russell Brand = Jack Sparrow (anyone?)

(In addition: I can’t decide if I like this guy or not. He makes terrible jokes about date rape and manly parts (“I feel assaulted by Russell Brand’s penis” – said Riese) yet defends Lady Gaga against the hermaphrodite rumors saying that of course we can’t have a strong, talented, sexually assertive woman without calling her “a bloke. That’s sexist!” he yelled.)

On Kanye West: “You know what he should’ve done? Sat in the crowd and shouted “YOU LIE!!!” -Riese

gaga-eskimo-outfitRiese did a great Taylor Swift impression: “I never thought I’d ever win one of these awards! Until last night when I wrote that check…”

Kid Cudi was wearing a t-shirt with his own name on it. Just saying.

Eminem won an award?

Various words that described Lady Gaga‘s 4th (or 5th) outfit: yeti, eskimo, abominable snowman, and my favorite: nest.

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Top Chef Episode 4

by Laneia

I have a lot to say about Ashley, of course, but before we even move beyond the first sentence I must type these words: CANDIED BACON JAM! Kevin Gillespie, you have brought tears to my eyes. Is it like apple butter, but with bacon instead of apples and onions instead of cinnamon?! Or something?? I need more things like this in my life.top-chef_ashley-tuxedo-shirt

Last week’s episode of Top Chef: Las Vegas was clearly Ashley’s attempt at keeping me in a state of sheer panic for 50 minutes. The High Stakes Quickfire was A) about snails and B) stressful, because the losing chef would be sent home.

While Keven was smearing bacon jam all over a plate and winning thousands of dollars, Adorable Ashley was making snails even less appetizing by putting them in a soup.

The Sudden Death Quickfire had Ashley, Jesse and Robin making itty bitty apps in hopes of not being eliminated. Jesse was eventually sent packing, which was kind of sad because I think she and I would have a lot of fun talking about our crazy families. She looks like she probs has a crazy family, no? Oh and also Adorable Ashley was adorable when she was talking about stuff and cooking and things like that. Tuxedo t-shirt! Giant glasses! SIGH!

“I think that whoever thought that a snail looked good to eat had to be really fucking hungry.” –Jen Carroll

top-chef_ashley-glassesFor the Elimination Challenge, chefs had to prepare classic French meats and sauces for very important French men. Are there no female chefs in France? Why is it always French men? Whatever, Ashley was paired with Mattin so I thought I could breathe a sigh of relief but nooo. Mattin doesn’t want to use asparagus in the fancy French sauce, ok? It’s not something he wants to do. He’s opposed. Ashley concedes, way too quickly and kindly for my taste [pun!], and of course the French dude and Ms. Adorable prepare one of the judges’ least favorite meals. By some insane miracle of poorly-cooked steak, Adorable and France are spared the guillotine of justice [too dramatic?] and Hector was eliminated instead.

I think the lesson here is always listen to the cute lesbian. Always. Unless she’s cooking snails? I don’t know.

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America’s Best Dance Crew

By Intern Vashti

In honor of the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, this week’s challenge was for the crews to recreate iconic VMA performances.

We Are Heroes episode 6We Are Heroes
Challenge: Vogue by Madonna
As the only crew left that I love forever, I am hoping they make it to the final two. I thought their performance was solid and even though JC was underwhelmed, Shane and Lil Mama loved it. If they get kicked off next week, I’d like to say I give up on this show but I’m pretty sure I already did two seasons ago. Nothing surprises me anymore.

See the video of We Are Heroes performing “Vogue”
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Afroborike episode 6AfroBorike
Challenge: I’m A Slave 4 U by Britney Spears
The judges absolutely loved this performance and acted as if they didn’t expect AfroBorike to kill it. I thought it was great but I wasn’t blown away. The crew may have trouble being consistent but when they’re hot, they are HOT. Luckily, they seem to have put their bad performances behind them and are stepping up to show everyone how it’s done.

See the video of AfroBorike performing “Slave 4 U”
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Massive Monkees Episode 6Massive Monkees
Challenge: Tearin’ Up My Heart by ‘N Sync
Okay Massive Monkees, you win. I have nothing bad to say. The performance was incredible. The energy level was so high and everything was so fast-paced, I couldn’t help but love it. After this routine, I believe that they deserve to be in the top two. It’d still kill me to see yet another bboy crew win ABDC but like I said earlier, nothing surprises me anymore.

See the video of Massive Monkees performing “Tearin Up My Heart”
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rhythm city Episode 6Rhythm City

Challenge:Wall To Wall by Chris Brown
I’ll be honest, it wasn’t their best performance but I still don’t understand how they ended up in the bottom two. Week after week, Rhythm City has killed each challenge and for them to not be battling it out in the final two is an idea I can’t wrap my head around. The whole season I just assumed they’d be the ones to beat but of course I never get what I want on this show. I think the comment I wrote in my notes for this performance sums up my feelings nicely: “WahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhIHATEEVERYTHING.”

See the video of Rhythm City performing “Wall to Wall”
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Hot Girls of the Week: Ladies Night

2009 MTV VMAs: Beyoncè did her Fosse-inspired Kanye-approved Single Ladies dance with a flock of similarly significantly quadriceped killer dancers and we loved the hell out of that shit. Lady Gaga changed outfits every seven seconds, Madonna spoke demurely about the man who died and left her queen, Pink was not only sober, but doing trapeze in a purple bodysuit, Janet Jackson killed “Scream” with all the fury & the fierce & the heart of her legendary brother and the family that made them both, Alicia Keys was classically amazing, Katy Perry grabbed her crotch and she liked it, and we felt obligated to include Taylor Swift even though we are wondering why she won’t tell anyone who she voted for in 2008.

hot-girls_vmas

This is for God and the gays!.

‘Tron out!

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lots of pizazz.

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17 Comments

  1. i was so incredibly unimpressed with that true blood finale. especially after waiting two weeks! plot holes, silly dialogue, bad acting (glad eggs is gone for that reason, that guy was BRU-TAL). why were we watching random townspeople shoot the shit in a booth at merlotte’s instead of seeing actual characters’ storylines? i felt like i used to feel while watching the L word, and i never want to feel that way again.

    • when the episode reached its halfway point, my prevailing thought was ILENE CHAIKEN THIS IS JUST LIKE ILENE WHEN ILENE KILLED JENNY THIS IS SEASON 6 FUCK

      here is what i want to say about Eggs: his character was the most disposable person on the entire show. i’m glad that he’s dead because Tara deserves someone more put-together than he could’ve been. howfreakingever, i see no need to turn Jason into a murderer and Andy into an accomplice. Eggs could just as easily have strolled off into the woods, never to be heard from again, and achieved basically the same reaction from Tara. it was so unnecessary to have Jason shoot him in the forehead for crying out loud.

      wait, did Charlaine Harris write it this way?? for some reason this possibility is just occurring to me.

  2. Dear Laneia,
    Further on in the books we get a bit more from Sophie-Anne about Hadley. The timing is not too great though. Fortunately for us, Alan loves the gays so I’m sure he’s gonna really love to show it to us. Also, personally, I’m glad “mystery person” abducted Bill. I’ve been waiting for that shit to happen all season!
    Hugs and Kisses,
    Rachel

      • I’m sure he will. It wasn’t in the books very much, but so far we’ve only had a rough outline of the books for the show. And yeah, like Ric below said – Sophie-Anne does eventually turn Hadley.

        BUT it’s looking as though season 3 will be pretty rooted in book 3 which will mean a lot less of Bill, a lot more of Eric, and a lot more of the rest of the supernatural world (which I cringe at bu w/e).

      • LOL. Yeah I was born and raise in the south. I do not talk like that. No one can tell where I’m from until I say y’all, lol!
        I go to school in a small town and I STILL have not heard anyone talk like that. It does but why are thick, uneducated, stereotypical accents the only was to portray you are in the south?

        • You know what? People in the bayous don’t even have that kind of southern accent anyway. They are coonasses with a much different accent. But the ones who do have a traditional southern accent do not sound like Tara or Bill.

  3. dear tinkerbell,
    i want to talk to you about this episode of Intervention. other episodes of this show have been weird to watch because it feels like anyone is capable of losing their minds like the addicts did. but this show was different, tink, and it made me really sad. it felt like it was my fault these people were so scarred, like we had done this to them. anyway it was really hard to watch and i thought about you. what do you think about george w. bush? i wonder if he drinks a fifth of whiskey everyday.
    love,
    laneia
    PUDDING!

  4. I really didn’t expect TV to turn against me this way. Nuh-huh.
    First, True Blood’s season finale disappointment. Which I can live with, but, y’know. A disappointment’s still a disappointment.
    Even Glee stabbed me in the back this week. We were having a great time, Showmance and I. And then Rachel’s solo comes in. I have to pause to learn I’d been cheated on. WTH.
    I still love you and want to make it work, Glee. I really do. I forgive you.

  5. I’ve read the books (True Blood) and SPOILER ALERT…. I think Sophie Anne ends up turning Hadley into a vampire, or Hadley becomes a vampire eventually. Not a huge amount of detail in the books, just one more detail that I’m hesitant to give away.

    I was underwhelmed with the season finale of True Blood, did expect a bit more, but essentially my main problem was that the entire episode felt a little rushed. I know they killed off Eggs in the books and was hoping he’d stick a round a bit more for the series. (I don’t know, was I the only person who didn’t mind him?)

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