Greetings, squirrel friends! The fall television season is upon us! This week marks the much-anticipated return of Glee, as well as a very interesting VMAs and the end of a totally bizarre season of True Blood. But I’m getting ahead of myself here. First, the news!
First, Patrick Swayze died last night, and that makes me really, really sad. NO ONE PUTS BABY IN A CORNER. Second, everyone went crazy. Third, EW’s Michael Ausiello has a post-mortem chat with True Blood creator Alan Ball. And fourth, Television Without Pity finally announced the winners of their Tubey Awards!
Also, in case you haven’t seen it yet, Auto-Fave Kathy Griffin mocked Kate Gosselin awesomely on Jimmy Kimmel Live:
And now, onto the awards!
Glee Episode 102 – “Showmance”
The Number One Feeling Award
Obvs our number one feeling forever will be Glee, until it goes on to that TV network in the sky, at which point we will talk about it with the reverence we reserve for shows like Buffy and Arrested Development. This was the first new episode since the pilot aired earlier this year. We liveblogged it/created a drinking game for it, too! Basically, this show is really amazing. Its pacing and writing (and cinematography!) are quick and witty, just the way I like ’em. We covered a ton of ground in just 44 minutes of television, so let’s begin shall we?
So Terri wants Will to buy her a big house in which to raise their imaginary daughter or gay son. Did I say imaginary? I did!
She’s having a hysterical pregnancy and once she finds out, she does the following, all of which are bad: 1) lies to Will and says they are having a boy; 2) tells Will he doesn’t need to be a night janitor, and she doesn’t need a house, making him think that she’s being selfless; and 3) gets to work on making a baby for real-reals… gosh, I hope it’s a boy! I really want to hate Terri but it’s so hard, Jessalyn Gilsig’s delivery is so good that it’s nearly impossible. Meanwhile, Will has been flirting hardcore with Emma, who wears only cute clothes and says only cute things. Seriously, she might be an android sent from a cute galaxy or something. Jayma Mays was great on Ugly Betty and Heroes, but she’s really incredible on Glee.
Emma counsels Rachel (ZOMG PAMPHLETS!) on her non-existent eating disorder:
Rachel: “I tried but I guess I just don’t have a gag reflex.”
Emma: “When you’re older that’ll turn out to be a gift.”
Rachel tells her that she’s in love with Finn, Emma is clearly similarly in love with Will (the Emma-crying-in-the-car aside is hilarious), and she advises Rachel to find a similar interest and that might help get their love connection going.
And boy does it ever! Rachel joins the Celibacy Club (what kind of high school is this where all of the cheerleaders and football players are part of something called a celibacy club?) and barely lasts one meeting, storming out after telling everyone that not only is celibacy a terrible idea, but that girls want sex as much as boys! Whoa! This show is on Fox?! Everybody drink!
“I feel like a girl like Quinn would never be popular in high school.” – Robin
Rachel and Finn get in trouble for using the Cheerio’s photocopier to make flyers for Glee club (how on earth does Finn not know who Justin Timberlake is? Seriously where is this school?), so she decides to stage a coup. Without Will’s knowledge the Glee kids change the performance for the big school assembly from a lame disco number to Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “Push It,” which is totally amazing and leads to the following: 1) Quinn and two Cheerios join Glee, taking away Rachel’s solo; 2) The Lynch now has three spies on Glee; and 3) the Glee kids have to now adhere to a special list of songs, all of which are “approved,” and are therefore totally lame. Rachel and Finn also totally MAKE OUT until Finn has a “situation” and has to leave.
And now a special comment on Jane Lynch (heretofore known as “The Lynch”): she’s so amazing, right? We already knew she was amazing but she’s really fantastic the entire episode. Her delivery is hilarious and militant all at once, making her the perfect high school tv villain, and she says some of the most quotable things:
The Lynch: “Iron tablet? Keeps your strength up while you’re menstruating.”
Will: “I don’t menstruate.”
The Lynch: “Yeah? Neither do I.”
In the end Emma decides to go on a date with Coach Ken to keep from acting on her feelings for Will and Rachel sings “Take a Bow” because she’s sad. So what did you think, did it live up to the hype?! Do you looooove Glee more than you can possibly handle? What was your favorite moment or quote? And for added bonus Glee content, check out Fox’s Glee video page, they’re not embeddable but they have tons of behind-the-scenes extras!
True Blood Episode 212: Beyond Here Lies Nothing
“I’m a waitress. What the fuck are you?”
Well, then. So that’s that. An entire season’s worth of suspense-building debauchery and wtf-edness, and this is our ending. I thought for a second that Lafayette was going to rape Sookie, or that the Fancy Dress Delivery Lady was going to turn out to be Maryann, or that the ostrich egg would hatch. But um, none of that stuff happened. Ok, look — I’m just gonna say it: MEH. It was meh. Very underwhelming. Have I come to expect too much? Alan Ball, tell me — are you bored with us already?
There was an interesting tidbit during Maryann and Sookie’s exchange at the beginning of the show. At least, I think it was a tidbit? Maryann tells Sookie that the god who watches over her [Sookie] isn’t the same god that “the blind billions worship.” Sookie has a flashback to Season 1, when she saved Bill from being drained by the Rattrays outside of Merlotte’s. The chain tightened around Mack’s neck, but we never saw who was responsible. Are we to assume this was the act of Sookie’s mystery god? I will ponder this point for the next 9 months because frankly, it’s the only interesting thing the writers have left me with.
We also learn that the vampire blood Lafayette has been selling is from Queen Sophie-Ann herself. This is probs supposed to be very scandalous and whatnot so I’m just going to go with that emotion. Did you catch that she referred to it as her “queendom” while threatening to rip Eric’s fangs from his mouth? That was cute! Almost as cute as the glances she and Hadley exchanged. Has anyone read the books? I’d like to know if their relationship is discussed in any more detail there than in the show. Lemme know, Idaho!
As usual, Jason said amazing things that were hilarious and brilliant. Amazlariousiant things, you guys. Here is a sampling:
“I love the smell of nail polish in the morning!”
“It’s times like these that this town needs a good man, Andy. And that man, is us.”
“It’s like if a tree falls in the woods — it’s still a tree, ain’t it?”
But what about Maryann? Oh, don’t worry about her. She gets killed within the first 25 minutes. It was actually quite easy. See, Sam just turned into a white ox and impaled her with his horn/arm. Simple. I’m sorry, what’s that? Where did they find a shiny white ox for Sam to morph into? Minor details! Insignificant! Shhhh! Insert Gratuitous Sam Butt Shot here. Maryann’s offering looked a little like Burning Man, yeah? But with more meat. What’s the difference between an ox and a bull?
Cheryl: “That’s her grandmother’s dress! They ruined her grandmother’s dress!!”
Ok! Now that the Maenad’s dead and buried — buried just any ol’ place, by the way — let’s clean up this house and sew Jane’s finger back on! Nevermind the entire town has been totally mind-fucked for what, three weeks? I’ve lost all sense of time with this show. Whatever. Get everybody off Sookie’s lawn. Oh hey, you know what we should do? Go out for French food. Definitely.
Let’s go over these “cliffhangers”, kiddos.
* Sam is looking for his real mom and dad! Just like Annie!
* Bill asks Sookie to marry him but doesn’t hear her say yes because someone violently abducts him before she comes out of the bathroom!
* Jessica is now the Vengeful Vampire Virgin! Horny men beware! Grrr! Aaargh!
* Jason kills Eggs and Andy is taking the blame. For Jason. Who shot Eggs. In the head. For no good reason. At all.
Hello this is my theory re: The Murder of Eggs — Tara will be inconsolably distraught, etc., after Eggs’ death [because obviously she had so much time — three weeks? 70% of which she can’t remember because she was under Maryann’s spell — to fall truly and honestly in love with him, of course] and in this vulnerable state, will turn to Jason, the man she used to love/have a crush on. Jason will start to feel feelings for Tara, either out of guilt or genuine emotions, whichever, and things will go along swimmingly for a bit and then BAM! Tara will find out the truth about Eggs’ murder and everything will fall dramatically apart OMG. Yes, I’ve watched a soap opera or two in my day, thankyouverymuch. [And then! Tara will murder Jason’s twin brother and be placed in an institution for the criminally insane, where she’ll give birth to a daughter but really it’ll be Sookie’s daughter and she’ll be Autistic! GENIUS!]
“Never say never when there’s the internet.”
This is basically Team Autostraddle’s motto. HOLLER!
Intervention In-Depth: “Addiction in Uniform”
The Army Purple Medal of Honor Award for Bravery in Cocaine Consumption
Hello Autostraddle, this is Tinkerbell. This weeks episode was very serious about what happens to American people who go to war and then come back with an 8-ball of cocaine up their honker, crouched over the toilet barfing up stomach intestines. This is not a surprise to Tinkerbell who does not like blood or human flesh or the desert.
There was a voiceover this week so it was okay that I am not the best at reading. In Vietnam, the soldiers had time off to drink & be with ladies but not in Iraq, where there are no kites or flowers. Therefore the fighting & killing & fear/anxiety was just The Worst. There are many things about war I do not understand.
The people in this episode had already been intervened upon so there was no kicking & screaming, only stories of hell and redemption, like Lady Gaga.
Matt looks like an action figure but he drinks like a drunk person. He started drinking while he was in Iraq and then he came back and got dumped, and was jobless and alone with vivid nightmares about death. Then he had another girl then got dumped. He was drunk constantly for six months straight, which is OOC, Riese is never drunk in the daytime.
Lea, deployed to Iraq, wore a cute hoodie at 9:33 and could not adjust to civilian life. So she drank a bunch of alcohol and did other drugs.
Paul would sit in his room and do an 8-ball of cocaine and drink a fifth every day.
It hit Lea like a freight train that she’s not the only one and now she is a Veteran in Recovery. No one did anything scary except kill millions of people for oil and then become miserable forever. Lady Gaga hung from the ceiling like Jesus bleeding from her chest.
The 2009 VMAs: Only the Moments Alex Wants to Recap
I can’t remember the last time I watched the VMAs. I was so over it like Katherine McPhee. However, Lady Gaga can make me go to or watch anything if she’s going to be there (See: my pilgrimmage to Dinah Shore ’09).
Needless to say Gaga did not disappoint. No sir! I’ve had ‘Paparazzi’ stuck in my head all day and I’m totally fine with that. What can I say about Lady Gaga’s VMA performance besides that it was pretty much perfect? She’s … no, I won’t say “FIERCE!!” even though I want to. She’s fearless and it’s entertaining, unpredictable, insane, weird, and an ironic reflection of our obsession with fame itself. God, my love for this woman is eternal.
SPEAKING OF GOD AND ETERNITY:
(via Riese’s Autostraddle Tumblr)
The other highlight of the night was obviously the tribute to Michael Jackson. We start with a sincere (and so very plastic surgery-ed) Madonna recounting her relationship with the icon, which was actually really nice. Then obviously ‘Thriller’ starts to which Riese comments:
“Oh my god. If they’re doing thriller I might as well just kill myself after this. My life is complete.”
I thought maybe the guy in the front was Travis from SYTYCD. Totally not. The dancers were some of the hottest choreographers in the industry: Dave Scott, Cris Judd, Brian Friedman, Wade Robson, Tyce Diorio, Travis Payne, Jeri Slaughter, Laurie Ann Gibson, Mia Michaels and Tina Landon.
That’s an impressive list even though I couldn’t spot them all. (Mia Michaels, what?!)
Also, that was too short. Where was ‘Beat It‘? It’s fine, I won’t complain. Janet killed it and it may or may not have brought a tear to my un-emotional eye ball.
Russell Brand = Jack Sparrow (anyone?)
(In addition: I can’t decide if I like this guy or not. He makes terrible jokes about date rape and manly parts (“I feel assaulted by Russell Brand’s penis” – said Riese) yet defends Lady Gaga against the hermaphrodite rumors saying that of course we can’t have a strong, talented, sexually assertive woman without calling her “a bloke. That’s sexist!” he yelled.)
On Kanye West: “You know what he should’ve done? Sat in the crowd and shouted “YOU LIE!!!” -Riese
Kid Cudi was wearing a t-shirt with his own name on it. Just saying.
Eminem won an award?
Various words that described Lady Gaga‘s 4th (or 5th) outfit: yeti, eskimo, abominable snowman, and my favorite: nest.
Top Chef Episode 4
I have a lot to say about Ashley, of course, but before we even move beyond the first sentence I must type these words: CANDIED BACON JAM! Kevin Gillespie, you have brought tears to my eyes. Is it like apple butter, but with bacon instead of apples and onions instead of cinnamon?! Or something?? I need more things like this in my life.
Last week’s episode of Top Chef: Las Vegas was clearly Ashley’s attempt at keeping me in a state of sheer panic for 50 minutes. The High Stakes Quickfire was A) about snails and B) stressful, because the losing chef would be sent home.
While Keven was smearing bacon jam all over a plate and winning thousands of dollars, Adorable Ashley was making snails even less appetizing by putting them in a soup.
The Sudden Death Quickfire had Ashley, Jesse and Robin making itty bitty apps in hopes of not being eliminated. Jesse was eventually sent packing, which was kind of sad because I think she and I would have a lot of fun talking about our crazy families. She looks like she probs has a crazy family, no? Oh and also Adorable Ashley was adorable when she was talking about stuff and cooking and things like that. Tuxedo t-shirt! Giant glasses! SIGH!
“I think that whoever thought that a snail looked good to eat had to be really fucking hungry.” –Jen Carroll
For the Elimination Challenge, chefs had to prepare classic French meats and sauces for very important French men. Are there no female chefs in France? Why is it always French men? Whatever, Ashley was paired with Mattin so I thought I could breathe a sigh of relief but nooo. Mattin doesn’t want to use asparagus in the fancy French sauce, ok? It’s not something he wants to do. He’s opposed. Ashley concedes, way too quickly and kindly for my taste [pun!], and of course the French dude and Ms. Adorable prepare one of the judges’ least favorite meals. By some insane miracle of poorly-cooked steak, Adorable and France are spared the guillotine of justice [too dramatic?] and Hector was eliminated instead.
I think the lesson here is always listen to the cute lesbian. Always. Unless she’s cooking snails? I don’t know.
America’s Best Dance Crew
By Intern Vashti
In honor of the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, this week’s challenge was for the crews to recreate iconic VMA performances.
We Are Heroes
Challenge: Vogue by Madonna
As the only crew left that I love forever, I am hoping they make it to the final two. I thought their performance was solid and even though JC was underwhelmed, Shane and Lil Mama loved it. If they get kicked off next week, I’d like to say I give up on this show but I’m pretty sure I already did two seasons ago. Nothing surprises me anymore.
Challenge: I’m A Slave 4 U by Britney Spears
The judges absolutely loved this performance and acted as if they didn’t expect AfroBorike to kill it. I thought it was great but I wasn’t blown away. The crew may have trouble being consistent but when they’re hot, they are HOT. Luckily, they seem to have put their bad performances behind them and are stepping up to show everyone how it’s done.
Challenge: Tearin’ Up My Heart by ‘N Sync
Okay Massive Monkees, you win. I have nothing bad to say. The performance was incredible. The energy level was so high and everything was so fast-paced, I couldn’t help but love it. After this routine, I believe that they deserve to be in the top two. It’d still kill me to see yet another bboy crew win ABDC but like I said earlier, nothing surprises me anymore.
Challenge:Wall To Wall by Chris Brown
I’ll be honest, it wasn’t their best performance but I still don’t understand how they ended up in the bottom two. Week after week, Rhythm City has killed each challenge and for them to not be battling it out in the final two is an idea I can’t wrap my head around. The whole season I just assumed they’d be the ones to beat but of course I never get what I want on this show. I think the comment I wrote in my notes for this performance sums up my feelings nicely: “WahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhIHATEEVERYTHING.”
Hot Girls of the Week: Ladies Night
2009 MTV VMAs: Beyoncè did her Fosse-inspired Kanye-approved Single Ladies dance with a flock of similarly significantly quadriceped killer dancers and we loved the hell out of that shit. Lady Gaga changed outfits every seven seconds, Madonna spoke demurely about the man who died and left her queen, Pink was not only sober, but doing trapeze in a purple bodysuit, Janet Jackson killed “Scream” with all the fury & the fierce & the heart of her legendary brother and the family that made them both, Alicia Keys was classically amazing, Katy Perry grabbed her crotch and she liked it, and we felt obligated to include Taylor Swift even though we are wondering why she won’t tell anyone who she voted for in 2008.
This is for God and the gays!.