True Blood Episode 403: If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?

Last night on True Blood, True Blood attempted to tell approximately 46 stories at once, and pulled it off with mixed results.

Tara, our brand new maybe-lesbian, is looking/feeling better than ever ’cause that’s what happens when you have sex with girls. At one point she tells Sam she’s seeing somebody and Lafayette mentions her girlfriend and that’s that as far as that’s concerned.

the post-scissoring glow in action

Marnie the Witch Lordess accidentally stole Eric’s entire memory so now he’s got no idea that he’s supposed to be a brooding/sarcastic bloodthirsty stone-cold vampire hulk champion. That’s unfortunate for Pam (and I’m assuming we’re all in agreement that Pam is the best character on the show, right?) but delightful for us ’cause now Eric is tender as a chicken strip. He’s got these little wide Jason Stackhouse eyeballs and a crush on/wants to feed on Sookie, who he politely asks “Are you mine? Would you like to be mine?” (She does not.)

Eric spends the first half of the episode without his shirt on and the second half in Jason’s sleeveless hoodie and basketball shorts, proving that one person other than Jason Stackhouse can pull off a sleeveless hoodie. You guys! ERIC IN A HOODIE! So adorable.

where did i get this douchey bed, sharper image?

I’m sure that all the witches probably add a vital element to this program and to Lafayette’s backstory and to Lafayette and Jesus‘s relationship, but some of them perhaps unfairly remind me of those girls from my middle school in the mid-90s who got super into “dream crystals” and pentacles and ritual candles because they liked The Craft. I need to get over this because I spent Marnie’s entire last-scene monologue yelling SNOOZE at the television. I suspect also a Wiccan is gonna yell at me in the comments and I apologize in advance, I respect your spirituality and it probably makes a lot more sense than mine. This girl is the one who annoys me the most:

ANYHOW! The witches are freaked out ’cause Marnie doesn’t know what happened to her and Eric will probably come kill and eat them all. Lafayette‘s like, “Do not fuck around with this, I will go beg his forgiveness right this minute or you’ll all be turned to ashes.” They ixnay that plan and talk about peaceful things like calling the police but Lafayette’s determined to take matters into his own hands.

Also, Lafayette’s outfits are getting more complicated/amazing. I’d really enjoy the Witchery more if it was just Jesus and Lafayette. CLEAR THE EXTRAS!

Bill finally has a job that fits his personality (king of the vampires) and there’s a cute scene in which he actually SMILES ’cause Jessica’s come to visit, seeking Advil and relationship advice. Should she tell Hoyt about sinking her fangs into another dude’s neck in the bathroom at Fangtasia? Bill says honesty is the best policy but Jessica changes her mind when Hoyt flips out and glamours him back to ignorance, which I hear is bliss.

Crystal raided the Walgreens Hair Care aisle and has found a place for every single butterfly clip in her hair and the end result is “crazy lady at the bus stop who’s not actually waiting for the bus.”

i have one hairclip for every little baby cub

Jason’s still strapped to the bed, which makes my fibro flare up just thinking about it, and is maybe a part-panther on his way to becoming Ghost Daddy. Ghost Daddy, apparently, is the guy who gets strapped to a mattress while his girlfriend rapes him and other women wait in the wings for their turn to get pregnant. It was really fucking disturbing and I don’t know what to make of it.

Meanwhile, Tommy‘s still living with Maxine Fortenberry (“The Angus and Natasha of True Blood” -my girlfriend), who might be sitting on some sort of valuable natural resource. Tommy wants to buy Maxine’s house and then sell the gas but Sam is like, “that plan is the plan of an asshole, get the fuck out of here.”

Tara threatens to shoot Pam with wooden bullets if she doesn’t let Lafayette out of the Dungeon of His Discontent. Jesus explains that they made this mess and therefore are most likely to clean it up.

Pam: “I will give you 24 hours to return that witch to me. And if you don’t I will personally eat, fuck and kill all three of you.”

and tara, i will take an extra long time fucking you

To be honest, I’ve never known how to feel about the gay rights/vampire rights parallel because vampires do actually eat/kill humans and also possess super-human powers. Granted, gay people corrupt public education, abuse children, destroy religion and wear unfortunate assless leather pants in flamboyant annual parades, but those things are still a far cry from “bloodsucking.”

Anyhow this week in Vampire Rights Movement the buzz issue is that activists are filming vampires doing evil things and putting them on YouTube so everyone’s gotta be well-behaved. Otherwise King Bill will have no choice but to take that giant stick out of his ass and impale you with it.

Also at the end Eric accidentally kills Sookie’s fairy godmother.

So what are your thoughts on this episode? Do you think Pam and Tara will ever ride the hobby horse together? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3213 articles for us.


  1. Good recap! Pam is def my favorite as well, with Tara & Lafayette a close tie for second. I’m super nervous Jesus is going to turn out evil at some point or maybe he’d be up there too.

    I’d be really pleased if one of our characters with developing superpowers would maybe try to learn more about then so that they can then be more superbadass instead of mostly ignoring them and then being ineffectually superpowered whenever push comes to shove…. i.e. Sookie, Lafayette & Jessica.

    Although maybe the glamour scene with Jessica was evidence to the contrary there?

  2. Praise fucking Mother God or whoever because I looked everywhere for that Eric on the ladder screencap last night and went to bed empty-handed and depressed.
    I needed evidence of his absolute adorableness to back up my mounting obsession… So.. Thanks for your facilitation in that? Haha

    (What is it about this guy that makes a dyke wanna jump him so bad?)

    • it’s the sleeveless hoodie. prior to this, only lesbians and jason stackhouse have ever worn them.

      either way my girl and i literally screamed for ten minutes straight after he giggled and complained about his lil’ ticklish feet so you’re not alone in this

      • I made that screencap for you, i can read your mind because i am a faerey!

        He’s somehow similar to Brian Kinney, I think — and like Brian Kinney and Shane, Original Eric is someone who will both totally fuck some random person over but is fiercely loyal to the 2-3 people they are fiercely loyal to. (For Eric this is Pam, formerly Goddrick, and I think now also Sookie)

    • I’ll be honest, Eric is one of the few I turn to as an example that I’m still into men occasionally, just they have to be giant pretty viking warrior vampires?

    • I actually have the opposite problem. I once vocalized my disinterest in Eric, and a classmate of mine used that as evidence that I “must be gay” to not find the hulking viking damn sexy. He was drunk, and conceded that since he found Eric attractive, HE had to be gay, so it was cool. But yeesh, is it such a big deal not to be obsessed with this guy?

  3. I wish I’ve not seen the scenes with Jason, that was creepy. Also there’s a lot of people now, I’d probably like it better with only Eric, Pam and Lafayette.

  4. I really hope Pam does not get with Tara. Pam is definitely my favourite character, she’s brilliantly written, Tara is one of my least. I feel that if they put those two together it’s because they were too lazy to do anything else with either of them.
    Nan & Pam has to happen. Or Pam & Jess. I’d settle for either…

    • Pam and Jess, definitely. And I feel like Tara’s character is going to be better developed and written better this season so I’m excited to see what happens!

  5. In the next episode I want to see Eric Northman in an even cozier hoodie, playing with kittens (kittens that are not the products of Crystal’s womb).

  6. eric looks like a monkey in that screencap. i love new eric, he’s too adorable. ticklish feet and apologizing for things, it’s all too much.
    pam switched from “one of my favorite characters” to “my favorite character” after that line about queer chick lit last week. she can do no wrong.
    the whole eric/crystal thing is really creeping me out, especially cause some of his wounds had grey shit caked in them (definitely infected) and now that i’ve realized those other women watching were waiting their turn. WTF.

  7. Thanks for another great recap Riese, I think I read all the ones you do now because they’re all hilarious (and you watch all the TV I do, unlike my dumb real world friends).

    I’d quite like to see Pam/Tara actually, (well mostly cos I don’t think Jessica is going to turn anytime soon). Maybe Pam could help Tara get past her issues with vampires by trying this consensual sex thing? Doesn’t seem very in fashion in this show though :/ its quite horrific watching Jason get gang raped.

    I have some theories to share, anyhow:
    1. What was the point of that boring Sam’s brother/natural gas plotline? I think they’ll eventually turn out to be something supernatural and bad buried deep under Maxine Fortenburys. Saved up for next season possibly. Maybe a whole seam of devil-baby-dolls? I hope this is the case, as otherwise that was just time wasted in an otherwise awesome episode.
    I had another theory but I forget .. its late in my country

    • re: 1. yes — exactly — thus the comparison to angus/natasha from season 4 of the l word — like why do we have a scene consisting solely of tertiary cast members who only matter in relation to their relation to SECONDARY cast members. like maxine is basically, at this point cuz hoyt = hoyt + jessica now, bill’s makee’s boyfriend’s mom. that’s three degrees of separation from the primary cast member, and tommy is just stupid and also, again, tertiary. idk.

  8. “those girls from my middle school in the mid-90s who got super into “dream crystals” and pentacles and ritual candles because they liked The Craft.”
    Ha confession that was totally me and my friends in middle school. We had a spell book and everything (checked out from the library). LOL

  9. That rape scene was seriously disturbing
    and I like newish Tara so far she’s 90% less annoying than last season. + I hope her gf comes back she was dumb hot.

    Also I’m feeling the creepy doll subplot or whatever? ha

  10. I think I have a crush on this new I-lost-my-memory-and-wear-adorable-hoodies version of Eric. Weird feelings!

  11. although i normally get semi-annoyed when TV shows depart in plot from the book series they are based off of, i, for one, am so glad that they killed off claudine.. she was super annoying for like 5 more books.

  12. You know that part where Sookie asks Eric what the last thing he remembers is and he says something in Swedish? According to my Swedish boss that translates to (something like) “the feeling of wet sand between my toes.” Which, apparently, sounds better in Swedish than it does in English.

  13. Riese, I love the way you managed to have all the exact same thoughts I did about this episode.

    I never cared for/paid much attention to Pam before this season, but I’m starting to really love her.

    Also I was totally traumatised by the rape scene and would like someone to glamour it out of my memory. Ugh.

  14. When Marnee launched into that monologue I totally flashed on the Craft and was like, “GURRRL! Don’t you remember what happens when you invite the spirit into you? (You kill Johnny Depp Jr and end up institutionalized!)”

  15. um can i just eat eric up? he’s always been my favorite and this was always my favorite in the series and OMG when he smiles i just die. cause he’s like cute and stuff now.

    also: vampires? ticklish??

    i need to watch this episode again now

  16. 1. Already not a fan of the witches story line. SO in this episode the main one offers herself as a human portal or whatever to some unknown spirit that she “trusts completely”. Blah. My guess: The human summoning the spirit GETS MORE THAN SHE BARGAINED FOR when it comes and causes mayhem for the rest of the season until after much research they find what it is and how to destroy it.

    2. omg Eric so adorbs I like him when he’s terrifying and when he’s adorable so so cute love squeeze.

    3. Jason being gang-raped to impregnate weird cultish country women is creepy but interesting, I feel like this is strongly parallel to those extreme mormon cults except now it’s the man being abused.

    4. Bill hasn’t been fun since the first season, I approve of him going full on evil king. Although I miss Evan Rachel Wood and her fantastically decorated 1920’s decoish mansion. I want to live there, with her.

    5. Poor poor Tara. No one really cares about her hostage/rape thing all last season. I hope she brings her gf to les bon temps (btw thats part of a new orleans/louisiana catchphrase) and becomes happy and empowered and upgrades her wardrobe to match her new pretty shiny hair.

    6. Pam needs to have more scenes/ character development. As does Lafayette. Maybe they could team up and be sassy gays together. Wouldn’t that be fun?

  17. this episode was so effing good. amnesia eric is THE BEST and the look on his face after he killed Sookie’s fairy godmother was PRICELESS.

    more Pam. Pam all the time. Pam Pam Pam!

  18. I think the Sam/Tommy natural gas stuff might just be to drive a bigger rift between them to make Tommy want to hurt Sam even more, because that “skinwalker” stuff from ep 2 makes me think that Tommy will try to kill Sam to gain the ability to shift into a human.

  19. I think the Tara character needs to be killed off or permanently move back to New Orleans. She’s uninteresting and annoying. She wore out her character w/that whimpering lip thing she does every time she’s “emotional.”

  20. First off, Pam is amazing. She’s just soo damn sassy. It’s kinda hot. And yeah, Eric is soo cute. He’s soo naive and cute and dangerous, but still adorable.

    Ass-less chaps > bloodsucking any day.

  21. Eric’s “sorry” at the end and the look on his face almost make up for the train they were running on Jason. Almost.

  22. Woah! Good catch. That didn’t even cross my mind.

    Also, Papi is terrible on this show.

  23. Love the sweet eric!
    And as always I love Tara and Pam.
    But sad that no one mentioned how at the beginning of episode 2 they killed of my favorite, SophieAnne or did I miss something?

  24. Tommy and Maxine and the potential millions: The only one who is going to make millions is the door-to-door salesman who is offering this same “opportunity” to anyone who doesn’t have enough common sense to close the door on his face.
    Tara keeping the girlfriend a secret: Just like any of us going home and being real careful who we tell about our new life and/or love.
    Creepy doll: Please, don’t go “Chuckie” on me, I’ll have to stop watching True Blood.

  25. guys, i have a problem.i just got back from a U2 concert and True Blood is on the TV at my hotel.I don’t own a TV, and I am SO CONFUSED. Bono made me rethink my sexuality for the only time in my life, and I’m just struggling. I think I’ve seen the first season, and I’ve read the books, but I neeeeed help,please? I have whiskey…

  26. Hi I like the True Blood show also and was just surfing on line to come across this site and your review of the second episode. I liked hearing what you had to say up on till this comment “Granted, gay people corrupt public education, abuse children, destroy religion and wear unfortunate assless leather pants in flamboyant annual parades, but those things are still a far cry from “bloodsucking.” Where did you get such a misguided view of gay people? That’s very insulting and completely deluded. In regards True Blood the LGBT rights innuendo’s are Fairies, “Coming out of the coffin” and “God hates Fangs” to name a few. Vampires suck blood whether they be straight, gay, or bi… and that’s in the show. Many gay people are religious or spiritual, typical people who want to be recognised and included in the world just like you or I.

    I know we all have personal views but that statement was very general and offensive.

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