Today, the world found out that hurricanes aren’t actually dangerous if they have Lady Names instead of Dude Names! Just kidding, they’re EXACTLY AS DANGEROUS, you gormless paste-eating idiots. That’s why they keep KILLING SO MANY PEOPLE, because a bunch of shitbirds are too stupid and misogynistic to realize that anything could still be deadly once they’ve slapped cartoon eyelashes onto it in their heads. Once we recovered from how mindblowingly stupid this is — you know, that the meteorological community is thinking of REWORKING THE NAMING SYSTEM because that’s actually easier than helping people figure out that a hurricane named Larissa is still a HURRICANE — we started wondering what other things everyone would just stop worrying about altogether if they were more reminiscent of hairbows and apple pies.
Confused about the Affordable Care Act? Not sure whether you qualify for extended Medicaid coverage? Feel worried about death panels? Doesn’t matter, because it’s called AngelaCare now. Nothing to fear. What’s it gonna do, make you a sandwich?
What is scary about asbestos again? I feel like it causes cancer or lung problems or both. I think it was maybe all over the attic in my childhood home. Which causes me some mild anxiety when I think about how often I went up there, until I remember that we now call asbestos Christina. Who cares if there were giant tufts of Christina practically falling out of my attic walls? Not me, not anymore. Kind of feel like watching Designing Women though.
3. Plane Crashes
This is a pretty unnecessary thing to be scared of anyway; it’s statistically super unlikely. I mean, you know as well as I do that you’re more likely to be killed by a dolphin using a BB gun than your plane is to fall out of the sky. But if you want to start combating your irrational fear of flying and adjust your anxiety levels to about where they should be, we can just start calling flying Monica. How are you getting to your college reunion next month? Oh you know, just a quick Monica from ORD to JFK. It’s just like two hours.
4. Cancer From Your Cell Phone
Do you need to take seriously the threat of cancer from holding a tiny computer emitting waves next to your head all day? Who knows, but I think we can all agree on what we don’t need to take seriously: women, and also their names. So from now on the terrifying deadly disease and the vague threat that it might come from your smartphone will be referred to as Pilar, and we can all just move on to the important stuff, like making Two and a Half Men supercut videos.
5. The NSA
This organization is slowly being revealed as one of the more terrifying specters looming over our daily existence, and we’ll probably never be able to know how bad it really is because they’re in control of the narrative, and also they’re reading this right now, hi guys! We could try to organize some sort of collective challenge to their virtually unchecked power, OR we could just decide to start calling the whole outfit Sophie. Sophie’s reading your emails again? Hahaha, what a crazy bitch, am I right? Not even worth thinking about!
6. Car Accidents
All it takes is one idiot who can’t tear himself away from developing Pilar to blow through a red light, and then you and everyone you love could be dead or horrifically injured. You don’t even need to be a driver to be in danger, you can just be walking to the bodega and bam, you’re laying on the sidewalk while someone probably puts it on Youtube for some reason. Unless! UNLESS. We all just agree to describe the event of being hit by several tons of metal going 45 miles per hour as Irene. Did you hear about the traffic cop that got Irene’d yesterday? Didn’t she go to school with us freshman year and then transfer?
What the heck is so scary about vaccines? Nothing. Law & Order even has an episode about it now. Probably like six, actually. We could educate people about how medicine works and refuse to give a public platform to anyone who decides to flat-out not believe in science, OR we could just rename vaccines Kamala. My personal predilection for proving to every wrong person just how wrong they are makes me long for the former, but given the evidence at hand, I think I have to admit that the latter would probably be more effective.
8. Killer Clowns
I know what you thought you were scared of about clowns — their awful proportions, their laughter, the movie It, the fact that we allow them near small children — but actually you were just scared of them because they’re coded as male and so you respect them. This common phobia can be easily overcome by just repeating the name “Kimberly” to yourself whenever you see a clown or an image of one. They can’t be hiding a club behind their back in the hand that’s not holding a balloon, because they’re named Kimberly. See? I thought so.
9. The End Times
For some of us this is a vague and undefined fear about the heat death of the universe; for some, it’s a more immediate and concrete fear about a vengeful God bringing about an end to human life on earth. For all of us, the problem can be solved if we move away from calling it the apocalypse and move towards calling it Julie. If you wouldn’t let the threat of a random woman get you down in the dumps — and who would, ha ha — then don’t let yourself dwell on Julie, either.
10. Protein Deficiency
Are you getting enough protein? Is the vegan in your life getting enough protein? Be honest, you’re actually worried about the vegan. Perhaps this has even been a source of conflict with the vegan, with them trying to deflect your constant line of questioning on this point and you trying to insist on your well-intentioned concern. No need to beat that dead horse any longer once you realize that it’s not really protein, it’s just Olivia. Do you care about someone being deficient in Olivia? Fuck no! Who’s Olivia! No one, probably. Definitely not anything you need to concern yourself over. If you ask me, I think we all already have more than enough Olivia in our lives, amirite? I am. I am right. Fucking Olivia.