There are a lot of movies out there. Most of them aren’t gay. Why not? Here are ten movies that really would be much better if they were gay, and starring me.
Top Ten Movies That Would Have Been Better If They Were Gay
10. The Notebook
Because like, imagine Rachel McAdams’ mom is all, “Girl, I get it, I was in love with a girls once, too.” That reveal is way stronger.
And the struggle!! A financially stable cute boy that she’s grown to love, or a super hot girl who lives in the woods?? THIS STORY SELLS ITSELF.
9. (TIED) Jerry Maguire
You know how Jerry Maguire and Renee Zellweger have been dating for like 3 days and Ne’Ne’ is all “OMG I LOVE JERRY MAGUIRE” …
The only scenario in which “Jerry” would not be freaked the fuck out is the scenario in which “Jerry” is a woman #uhaulin
9. (TIED) Scream 4
Honestly, though, why aren’t there more lesbian murderers???
8. Camp Rock
Let’s be real, it makes waaayyyy more sense that Mitchie goes away to summer camp and comes home gay…
Bonus: SEQUEL
Double Bonus: OFF-SCREEN ROMANCE
7. Can’t Hardly Wait
The most popular girl in school ends up with the cool geeky lesbian?? YEA OKAY I’LL WATCH THAT.
Also you guys, I really needed a reason to photoshop myself with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
6. Gatsby
100% Gatsby should be a girl.
Are you kidding?
Sexy, Mysterious, Rich, Let DAISY DRIVE THE CAR….
5. Harry Potter (the one where Ron and Hermione make out)
Two BFFs fall in love while they fight wizard wars (or whatever) with their other mutual bffe??
YES PLEASE.
4. Romeo and Juliet (The Baz Lurhman one)
OF COURSE your families don’t want you together YOU’RE BOTH GIRLS AND IT’S THE OLDEN TIMES.
This movie is at least 60x more dramatic if everyone hates them together because they’re gay.
3. Mean Girls
The complicated thing is that everyone has to be gay or the whole movie turns into a giant hate crime.
Bonus: SEXY SANTAS!
2. Hunger Games
Any human in their right mind is Team Gale. And like… especially if Gale is a chick, and they’re in love but they’re also best friends and Gale just wants J-Law to be happy and Peeta is like… nice enough and cute I guess
BUT GALE YOU GUYS, SHE BELONGS WITH GALE.
1. Juno
Not only is the improved gay version of Juno a great coming-of-age story about a pregnant teen, but it’s also about THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION.
Currently up for adoption: Baby Jesus.
lmao, Danielle!
Personally, I find straight romantic movies boring
Nailed it.
I wonder how Tegan and Sara feel about wearing those sexy Santa costumes…
Well, Tegan seems pretty stoked. Sara looks like she’d rather be elsewhere though.
oh my actual god i love this. i found the whole list hilarious, but i totally lost it at #3:
“The complicated thing is that everyone has to be gay or the whole movie turns into a giant hate crime.”
please keep writing us funny lists, dannielle!
xoxo,
vanessa your old intern, the one who brought you rainbow cake in a jar when you came to speak at harvard in 2011
omg hiiiii
hi! <3
If I had an Oscar, I would give it to you.
Omg I’m dying. Tegan and Sara in Mean Girls…
I am at work and when I saw that Dannielle picked as her other gay people: Tegan and Sara… and Kristin! I made everyone look at me because I didn’t just giggle, that was full-on snort-laugh. It is soooooo Dannielle humor. May she continue to reside at Autostraddle, it’s like my favorite things to read on the web got gay-married….
#uhaulin
DEAD
A) I do this to every movie and TV show I watch. Think about how much cooler Grease or Top Gun would have been with girl/girl leads.
B) I’m just going to take the liberty of photoshopping Dannielle into the book cover of my novel, so that when it’s published and becomes a mega-hit and is optioned for the screen, she’ll already be pre-cast. Hope that’s okay, with you, Dannielle. I could pay you for your likeness with, like, a sandwich and a promise of royalties. :)
my likeness costs $2, you can paypal me!
BRB, pitching #7 to my boss. 70/30 ok on royalties for you?
as long as your boss isn’t Donald Trump, I’m in!
Nah. More hair, less slime.
DANNIELLE, long time fan, first time commenter.
Can’t Hardly Wait is one of my ALL time fav movies. And you as Ethan Embry is priceless!
Keep doin what you be doin :)
I also love Can’t Hardly Wait with a mad burning passion, but teh gayz would make it 10000000% better.
You are my very favorite business partner.
luv u *heart eyes cat emoji*
Queer girls with 90s Leonardo DiCaprio haircuts = a thing I have been trying to make into A Thing for a while
oh god yes. I VOLUNTEER AS A TRIBUTE.
*cough* present
Perfect, except what about Bend it Like Beckham!? Although it apparently almost was actually gay.
It felt pretty gay anyway. I mean, just reading the Wikipedia plot summary makes it sound like the male ‘love interest’ wasn’t really more than an extra.
yes, the first movie i thought of when i saw the title.
hearing that it was actually going to be a gay situation but was changed is the saddest thing i ever learned on tumblr.
(i mean these gems were left in, at least: “Lesbian? Her birthday’s in March. I thought she was a Pisces!” and “Get your lesbian feet out of my shoes!” followed by “She’s not Lebanese, she’s Punjabi!”)
This is amazing. Except I just have to say this:
TEAM PEETA 4EVAAAAAA
OH MY GOD ABBY NO
4EVAAAAA #theboiwiththebread
Absolutely! Gale calls her names and talks down to her. No woman should put up with that.
(i’m sorta on team peeta too)
I’m definitely on Team Peeta because Abby pointed out to me that Josh Hutcherson is basically a butch lesbian. But also I’m really on #teamkatnissshouldjustbegaynoPeetanoGalejustgaybecauseweallknowshe’sgaylet’sbereal
TEAMKATNISSFOREVERRRRRR
4EVA!!! the boy bakes cheese rolls for crying out loud, he wins everything
Read the books. There’s a whole paragraph where Katniss is describing Peeta’s beautiful eyelashes in Catching Fire. Half way to lesbianism right there.
No! Team Johanna you guys, lez be real.
i ship johanna and myself
Peeta and Katniss is like my backup ship. (Life raft? Sure.) I’m not sure I’ve ever shipped a literary couple as hard as I ship Joniss. Team Johanna, through and through – I effing love her!
You spelled “Johanna” wrong.
I agree, and would also like to add TEAM JONISS and TEAM KATNISS HAS A THREESOME/FOURSOME/FUNSOME into the mix.
TEAM MADGE
You’re all wrong.
No 3. I can’t stop laughing. It’s 1.37am. If it ever happens I gonna be the first to watch it on cinema.
The Juno movie poster. Game over.
YES! Dannielle as Michael Cera is perfect.
I can totally get on board with Team Gail
Team Gay-le?
Only if she’s less of an ass than the male version of Gale is.
…nah who am I kidding, I’d probably ship it anyway.
Some of these would actually be quite fitting with queer characters. Would not be surprised to see lesbian Romeo and Juliet in the future.
Pfff, like there has to be a reason to photoshop yourself with Jennifer Love Hewitt!
This list is great! Gender-swapping characters is possibly my favorite hobby.
The other day while reading the Lord of the Rings it came to me: WHAT IF FARAMIR WAS A LADY? Think about it. Faramir + Eowyn becomes 394938174x more epic.
(Also this is about Tolkien’s Faramir who was already my favorite character even before I thought of this, not the movie Faramir who was a totally different person in only bad ways.)
I was wondering why Pitch Perfect wasn’t on this list but then remembered that Beca and Chloe are pretty much canon already
not to mention this life-sustaining shower scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WX5kGbO31L8
I wasn’t completely sure how I felt about the new layout (it’s really bright on my otherwise all dark color themed computer layout) but this comment’s use of gifs sold me.
I might have to make Autostraddle my official homepage.
Why haven’t I thought of this?
THEY MEET UP LIKE FIVE YEARS INTO THE FUTURE AND IT HAPPENS
NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE
oh yay! so happy to see dannielle on AS. have loved her and kristen’s work on everyone is gay for a long time. :)
The last time I watched Juno, I definitely started planning a sequel where she breaks up with Michael Cera and goes to Wellesley.
I haven’t read the books, but I read somewhere that in fact Katniss was really a closeted lesbian in love with Madge.
So Team Madge for me?
Madge is like 98 years old tho.
damn, really?
The article made it seem they went to the same school
No, Madge was not 98 years old, wtf. She was the mayor’s daughter and the same age as Katniss.
(imo the evidence for that pairing is pretty thin in the book but it’s definitely my headcannon.)
I agree! Madge is ancient!!! Katniss should def be in love with Johanna aka my favorite character.
Ageism is so not cool you guys ;)
Madge is not 98! Madge was another girl from district 12, the mayor’s daughter. MAGS is the old one, from district 4
OMG YOU’RE RIGHT AND KATNISS AND MADGE WERE GAY AS HELL.
#TeamMadge #teamwedidntmakethemovie
I liked Team Madge too… judging from the book and trying not to get too headcanony, I like to think Madge was in love with Katniss, and Katniss may have had some feelings for Madge but her life was so preoccupied with caring for her family that she never gave it any thought (much like her and Gale pre-reaping). The fact that she was pretty damn gay for Johanna made me think this even moreso than I had before I got to their interactions.
I def think Madge was into her. She gave her the mockingjay pin!
The complicated thing is that everyone has to be gay or the whole movie turns into a giant hate crime.
only on autostraddle.com
This line had me crying tears of laughter in my department student office… and then I had to try and explain why I was laughing and everyone judged me. Still worth it.
I love love love this.
Musicals, too, maybe?
Chicago’s kind of gay already but needs to be gayer. I don’t believe that there were that many prison scenes and no lesbian duet and makeout scene.
Lez Miz as a gay version of Les Miserables — because cute queers in revolutionary outfits! Lesbian angst! The ease with which we could change every s to a z!
Moulin Rouge, because being bi, I was totally into Ewan McGregor when I first saw it, but the idea of a cute lady in any of Ewan McGregor’s outfits kind of makes me melt into a puddle. And ladies loving ladies in corsets – yes please!
If queer Moulin Rouge was a thing I would have discovered my gayness SO MUCH SOONER.
But can we please have a ladygay Newsies, too? (The movie, not the Broadway version. Obvs.) Because you guys. That would be the most epic.
I approve heartily of Lez Miz, mostly because cute queer revolutionaries but also because oh my gosh can you imagine the Thenardiers as a lesbian couple?
Little Shop of Horrors would be amazing with Seymour as a woman (Simone?), mostly due to pun potential. Lots and lots of pun potential.
Gay Moulin Rouge and Newsies are really the only things I want in life.
Maybe it’s the cheese movie liking human in me, but what about the American Pie series? Jim is now Jenny(think about the webcam scene and much more awkward and funny that could have been?), and Finch is genderqueer, and Kevin is now a pre-op transman, but doesn’t know it. We already have Natasha Lyonne(don’t stop casting her in lesbian roles, she’s too charming).
Danielle on autostraddle! Is it lesbian Christmas?
Died. I just died.
D-Danielle.. I can’t even.. oh my.
If there were a non-racist version of Calamity Jane where Calam and Katie move it to the next level I would watch it every goddamn day. It makes so much more sense than her and Bill Hickock. How about Little Women? Jo refuses Laurie and goes away to New York to find a hot German professor lady. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers! The ladies fall in love with each other when they’re snowed in! I better stop because I could go on for hours…
P.S. I’m really digging #3.
omg YES to Jo and the hot german professor lady, I was kinda disappointed when her romance happened without really knowing why… obviously I subconsciously wanted her to be gay before I even knew that was a thing.
It seems we all have a lot of feelings about making straight stories queer. Maybe this could be a regular series?
Hot German professor lady for Jo!! Actually I’m pretty sure Jo March is gay already and no one will convince me otherwise. Little Women was one of my favorite books when I was a kid and I looooved Jo.
all the awards to you for mentioning seven brides for seven brothers, which was my favorite musical as a kid. i BROKE the vhs from watching it so many times
maybe the women wouldn’t have been sobbin sobbin sobbin so hard if they had each other. nor would anyone be a lonesome polecat.
Nothing will convince me that Calamity and Katie weren’t getting acquainted with one another’s “woman’s touch” up in that cabin. If the shack’s a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.
In other news, that movie is probably 50% responsible for my sexuality.
And let’s have a gay “Sound of Music.” Maria can’t have that short hair for no reason.
The notebook would be the best lesbian remake. And it makes the most sense! Plus I hated the movie but seeing two cute little old lesbian ladies dying together? I can dig it
SPOILER!
You just broke my circuitry with the Romeo and Juliet thing! It was a favorite of mine as a teen, and I’d never considered improving upon it in this way. Headcanon accepted.
Minor beef though… why did you superimpose ‘gayer’ people over the rest of the characters in Mean Girls? I don’t see why Regina George couldn’t have been queer as is.
(I get really defensive about Mean Girls)
oh I actually thought about it for a long time because… PSYCHE I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO PHOTOSHOP MORE HEADS.
To be fair, if I knew anything about photoshop I’d probably have the urge to paste Tegan and Sara Quin’s heads everywhere too.
I LOVE Can’t Hardly Wait and always had a thing about Lauren Ambrose so hell yeah.
(OMG is this picture thing working yet? I am in a state of complete helplessness when it comes to using the internets efficiently!)
Dannielle should also have improved our childhoods!
oh my actual god.
Oh. My god.
Oops this was Kristin trying to say Oh. My god. but I was logged in as Dannielle IT’S FINE BUT I APPRECIATE THIS PHOTOSHOP AND WANTED YOU TO KNOW THANK YOU GOODNIGHT.
Oh, you! ;3 God? Me? I’m so flattered!
THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY I FEEL THE NEED TO TYPE MY ENTIRE COMMENT IN ALL CAPS.
THANK YOU DANNIELLE FOR MAKING MY DAY SO MUCH BETTER.
ALSO #TEAMGALE
Okay, I lol’d at Romeo and Juliet because it would work so very well. I’m disappointed to not see The Princess Bride though.
Westley is actually a lesbian with the uncanny ability to grow facial hair. No photoshop needed.
THE PRINCESS BRIDE. I that would be perfection in itself. o.o
This is amazing and I would watch the hell out of the versions of those films that are gay and star Dannielle.
The red hair over the Scream mask…you’re killing it Danielle.
“Honestly though, why aren’t there more lesbian murderers???”
“Monster” pretty much filled the quota for the next couple of centuries it would seem…
This is one of the greatest, gayest things I’ve ever seen. Please be my best friend.
I’ve thought for a while that it would be interesting if we had a James Bond (Jane Bond? Jamie Bond?) who was a butch queer woman. Part of the Bond character is masculinity, and we can retain that masculinity, just have the person expressing it be a girl.
People mostly came to accept the idea of a blond Bond once they saw that Daniel Craig did a good job…if we can have a blond Bond, why not a female Bond? :D
THIS IS A REALLY GOOD IDEA
Yes please!
Bahaha. Amazing. Can’t we convince someone to at least video edit and audio dub some trailers together for these clearly brilliant movies?
Ok, but while we’re at it, why not just queer ALL of Baz Luhrman’s stuff??? Can you imagine a queer Moulin Rouge?? I say yes.
Or a queer Strictly Ballroom!
I think we need a movie musical version of this list. Which should clearly involve Moulin Rouge and Hairspray.
Agreed. Also Les Miz and Rent (needs more lez) and Singing in the Rain and Little Shop of Horrors and Reefer Madness and…
And Cats! :D
No?
No one?
… D;
OMG Queer Cats would be the singularity. I LOVE it.
I also once witnessed a…let’s say, scene with intention…between Rum Tum Tugger and the Magical Mister Mephistopheles because this is the company I keep. It was beautiful.
‘OF COURSE your families don’t want you together YOU’RE BOTH GIRLS AND IT’S THE OLDEN TIMES.’
Naaaah everyone has to be gay. I propose a story about nature, technology and a vendetta set (very symbolically) in Los Angeles 2019. Juliet is a total adorbs sweetheart butch hiding her class-inappropriate nanotats from her two hippie organic-foodie mums. Romilly is a brown-skinned fierce femme 15yo with more cyberware than flesh, disowned by her family, taken in by Good Lady Montague (having the lines of both Montague patriarch and Lady Montague in a dialogue with herself), an undercity crime boss and dealer – and groomed to be her successor. The rest according to the story – but with a super bleak grimdark ending of Mrs&Mrs Capulet trying to pin the death of Juliet on Good Lady and calling law enforcement – and the Good Lady mowing them both down with her arm-integrated Gatling gun before stepping off the edge of arcology. The last scene showing people in slums being rained on by a rusty-red raindrops and swearing at the government, arcology tower and toxic air.
…I never knew I needed this.
^ ah yes forgot, the vendetta referred to – a completely real life vendetta lasting about 50 years by 2019.
And also: the only thing better than Harold and Maude would be gay Harold and Maude.
Glorious. The hair!
Oooh and Devil Wears Prada!
I wish that tv show Nashville was gay. Basically anything with Connie Britton but gay, I’m game for.
Sara Quin wearing a Santa costume? I’d watch it everyday.
I lol’d at the Mean girl’s poster. I hope Dannielle writes more stuff for Autostraddle.
OMG OMG OMG
DUDE MEAN GIRLS. that shit would be HILARIOUS!!! In the meantime check out this by Todrick Hall! MEAN GURLZ
WARNING: Heads may LOL.
epic
#9 or you could just watch Heavenly Creatures and you would find out why we don’t want more lesbian murderers!
omg please make writing for autostraddle a regular thing. this was literally perfect
I second this!
Mean Girls where everyone *has* to be gay to avoid a hate crime. Bahaha. This list is so good!
I need the good fan fiction version of all of these to exist, somewhere on the internet, because I desperately want to read an excellent lesbian retelling of Romeo and Juliet at the very least.
uh-greed.
Ummmm two words: Johanna Mason. I shipped Katniss and Madge too initially but clearly (for reasons I won’t explain due to spoilers) that couldn’t have worked out anyway. Johanna’s totally Katniss’s match though, I mean really. Even if you haven’t read the books, this should help… http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/katniss-everdeen-actually-belongs-with-johanna-mason
Accurate. Also, Empire Records, because I can’t be the only one who wanted Cory to hook up with Rex’s assistant instead.
I really like the idea of a gayer Can’t Hardly Wait. You can even mess with Loveburger’s band name (again) and go with, well, take a guess…
Now that my mind is wandering, I really wish for a lesbian version of The Graduate. Imagine the scene with lez-Ben banging on the church window calling for Elaine, the swinging of the cross that bars the wedding attendees, closing with them running away on the bus as “Sound of Silence” plays! Also seduction by Mrs. Robinson YES PLEASE.
Or Juno with Paulie as a trans girl, and it’s all sorts of better.
Yes, good – although I was sort of nonplussed by the original baby daddy, and def got some gay vibes from Juno’s friend.
But maybe what we need next is a trans character who is a teen co-parent and also really conventional and boring? It would certainly make a change from portraying all the trans characters as super freaky or hyperfeminine stereotypes. I’d say “hyperfeminine/hypermasculine depending on gender,” but there aren’t a whole lot of trans male characters to begin with, never mind enough to have trans male tropes. (And obviously nonbinary trans characters are rare.)
All I want is gay titanic
Leo is pretty close to being a cute butch… squint your eyes :)
YES
my most favorite article of the day.
This post was so happy-making! So exciting to see Dannielle on Autostraddle!
Gatsby. Yes. Just for 1920s lesbians.
Also, Love Actually, or any of those movies with a hundred different couples. Those should all be gay too. You can never have too many gay couples.
i keep coming back and reading THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION and i don’t know if i will make it. i don’t know. i’m laughing too hard to live.
I like to play this game, but with Jpop and Kpop girl groups. IshiYoshi 5eva!
just stellar
This made me lol! I think a gay version of Ever After would complete my life.
Oh my God, yes please!
yes yes yes
Dannielle! So nice to see you here! Also, YES CAN THE NOTEBOOK PLEASE BE GAY?!?! PLEASE?
BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM. That is all.
Wasn’t that movie already gay? ;)
These are perfect!
omfg TE INMACULATE CONCEPTION. Also, I died with Tegan and Sara’s copy-pasted faces. AND ALSO, ALSO, Danielle I love u.
I am totally Team Peeta but it makes sense because this: http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2013/11/25/247146164/what-really-makes-katniss-stand-out-peeta-her-movie-girlfriend
yes. one got to love subtly sneaking in girlfriendness like that :)
This was the best thing that could ever be.
all of this is just 100% yes ! pretty sure it’s the greatest post I’ve ever read and now I have a new happy place.
If you take the style of the Hunger Games poster, have just your face on it, and put a motivational quote prefaced by “Hey girl,” I’m pretty sure I’d get some studying for finals done. Or continue to peruse AS. Same thing.
LMAO!
Dannielle on Autostraddle????? Please let Dannielle be a new regular Autostraddle writer PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS PSOSPPSLPL S PLS LPS LPSL PSLPSLSPSLS
This.is.beautiful.
Hahaha. Omfg. This is amazing. I just about lost it when I got to Mean Girls.
I want to see a version of Mulan where Ping and Shang are both girls in disguise, ala Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett
That book is where I got my name! You’d think it would be because my mom wanted to name me Olivia, but no, actually, I only remembered that later.
[spoiler] I love how a good third of the military turned out to be women in disguise. And I totally shipped Polly/Maledict. (The name “Maledicta” is dumb. Should’ve gone with a different female equivalent or left it as Maledict, since it’s not a commonly known boy’s name anyway. IMO.)
Professor Lydia Moyer, who teaches media at U.Va.,related to me how friends of hers produced an amateur remake of DELIVERANCE with an all-girl cast. I don’t know how it can be accessed. – Tupungato.
im pretty sure practically every chick flick would be better if they were gay
Two of my friends just went as lesbian Juno and Bleeker for halloween!
Oh my Gosh this gave me a good laugh. I think my favorite was Romeo and Juliet. THE DRAMATIC POTENTIAL!!