The Fosters Episode 413 Recap: It Was the Worst of Times, It Was the Worst of Times

Previously on The Fosters, it was the worst of times.

In the dream kitchen, Brandon has told Stef that his life’s goal of going to Juilliard is gone forever for the low price of a thousand bucks. Stef is so mad she marches upstairs wielding a hammer and chisel and she’s not coming back until all the doors are off the bedrooms. No more privacy, no more secrets, you ungrateful little shits! Damn, Stef is hot when she’s mad.

Mariana threatens to tell Lena. Oh dear, don’t try to divide these two right now, kid. Stef tells her to go ahead and then hands Brandon the tools to finish. The only people who get a door are the moms, motherfuckers! Yes, Stef it’s about time you introduced a consequence or two for these hooligans.

Mom, I have to be honest with you: I ship Kara and Mon-El.

What did you just say to me?

Jude doesn’t deserve a TV.

Stef is off to the hospital where Mariana can’t come because Jesús can’t talk; and Jude can’t see Callie in juvvie because he’s not her parent. You want your doors back? Try not being trustworthy again, mmkay? Mariana slaps the Eighth amendment down on the table and Stef is like, “I expected more from you, honey. That shit doesn’t apply to me so take your Donald Trumped up arguments elsewhere.”

Is it hot in here or is it just Stef? (Her hair looks sexy pushed back like that.)

Behind door number three is Jack McPhather-figure. Oh, and he’s mad that no one told him that Callie is in juvvie. Good lord! It’s not about you all the time, ROBERT! Robert offers to pay for Callie’s lawyer and can’t believe Stef is using a public defender for his daughter. She’s not your daughter, man. Stef convinces him that she knows what she’s doing (which is dubious at this exact moment) and asks if he minds if she leaves to go see her kid who was in a goddamn coma. This show, man. When it rains it monsoons.

In juvvie, gross guard propositions Callie. She does her best to shrug him off and get back in line with everyone else. But in the yard, the girl from the next bunk doesn’t like Callie talking to “her man.” A third girl chimes in to tell Callie that the guard is bad news and his drugs are dangerous. Also, water is wet and the sky is blue.

AJ is being extra cute because he’s playing with teeny tiny Isabella. It’s too much. He asks Mike to get him on the list to visit Callie before heading off to school. Mike, in a fit of nothing-lasts-forever/the-world-is-ending/it’s-2017-and-we-have-a-fascist-in-the-White-House, asks Ana and Isabella to move in with him. He promises to check with AJ first but it looks like he’s building his own little brood.

You took away his television?

And smashed it with a hammer, yes.

Stef, we have to give our kids the freedom to ship straight couples.

In the hospital, Stef is giving Lena the recap of her terrible morning. Lena looks slightly amused that her wife took the kids’ doors but she doesn’t push back. Sometimes you just have to roll with it (and it’s hilarious). The doctor prepares them for what to expect with Jesús. Shooting yourself in the head with a nail gun isn’t a normal thing. Truly, it only happens on one out of every 600 TV shows, so just be aware there may be some amnesia, an entirely new personality; you know, regular soap opera shenanigans. Jesús can say his name, but he calls a hammer a screwdriver. He also has a twitch. The doctor tells the moms that the recovery is going to take a long time and he is going to need help walking (a cane or walker). He’s also going to need to be in the traumatic brain injury treatment center at the hospital, which is sure to be covered under whatever healthcare system Paul Ryan is cooking up.

The kids are all in school and Mariana is worried something’s really wrong with Jesús. Mat hugs her and assures her that she’s probably right because the only person who suffers zero permanent consequences is Brandon. Brandon bops over to ask Mat if he’s boning his sister and if it’s possible that she might be pregnant. Dude. You are so over the line. The line is a dot to you!

You wrote me some Kara/Mon-El fan fiction??

Oh no.

Lena is in her office when Monte comes in. Miss you, Monte! Lena seems to have missed getting her budget report in and Monte offers that she can take a leave of absence but Stef and Lena need the dough (are they still getting fake divorced? Or are we leaving that BS in season 4A?). Thanks for being a supportive boss, though.

Noah has shown up at Paily Anchors Academy to kiss Jude and get everyone in trouble. Look, preacher kid: skeedaddle right now. He hands Jude “something to make you smile” in an envelope. All of which Lena sees out of her office window. Good lord, you two! They took away your doors and still! Still with this crap.

Lena grabs the list of student locker combos and uses it to check out Jude’s. That envelope looks mighty suspicious, kiddos.

Your brother, he doesn’t ship Supercorp.

Also, I’m sorry you’re in jail.

Callie and Stef are meeting with the lawyer who can get Callie out on a plea deal in eight months. Or Callie can take her chances being tried as an adult and spend five years in prison. Luckily, they have a whole twelve hours to consider it before the hearing.

AJ can’t get in to see Callie but guess who can? Her “papa,” Robert Quinn (who actually has zero parental rights to Callie but being a rich, white dude will get you anything you want). AJ introduces himself. Robert doesn’t seem to know that Callie had a boyfriend who wasn’t Brandon. Robert cannot believe that Callie has spent her senior year of high school trying to solve a murder. Dude, you really have been out of her life forever; that is the most Callie thing ever. He starts to go off about how he never should have signed away his parental rights. GAH! Stop being so Brandon about this. It’s not about you. He offers her help if she wants a different lawyer. She asks for his advice about the plea versus rolling the dice with the fitness hearing. Unlike Stef, he doesn’t even know what that is.

Stef and Mike are having lunch together. He tells her about asking Ana to move in. Stef is happy for him until she remembers Ana is a felon and she can’t be there if he’s fostering AJ. What dumbass move will Mike come up with to get around this problem?

I thought Jude would ship James and Winn because he’s gay!

I know, love. He’s a disappointment to all of us.

Mariana sneaks into the hospital and then proceeds to cry when Jesús can’t talk to her. This freaks him the hell out until Stef swoops in to usher Mariana to the waiting room. You can’t just do whatever you want and disobey us, Stef says. She knows Mariana was afraid but Jesus H. Christ, kid, you have to listen. Mariana realizes that Jesús isn’t fine and cries on Stef’s shoulder for a while. Stef assures Mariana that it’s not her fault but maybe it’s time for a little more therapy to figure out why she’s making bad decisions. Stef, you are killing it in the parenthood game today!

Callie hears the girl who threatened her puking over in the corner. No one else wants to help so Callie screams for a guard. The girls gets a ticket to the ER and Callie gets 20 questions about what the girl was on and where the drugs came from. Gross guard lurks in the background like some kind of Officer Wilden and Callie plays dumb.

Mike walks into his apartment where Ana has made dinner and plans to move in. Maybe not the best time to remind her that she cannot move in as long as he’s fostering AJ.

You said you needed to talk to me?

I know you’re having a hard day, but I’ve perfected the lesbian slouch and hereby claim the title of Gayest Mom.

Dang. Well played.

Stef appears to be packing a bag so she can go back to the hospital when Lena tells her about Noah showing up at Jude’s locker. Stef tries to run off and steal his blankets or whatever you take after you’ve taken doors, but Lena tells her to calm the heck down and listen. It turns out that Noah wrote some really bad poetry about hope and shit and she thinks they shouldn’t take any more people away from the Judicorn because everything is terrible right now. I mean, sure that makes sense, but on the other hand Noah’s also giving your kid pot.

We cut to Callie mopping the floor in juvvie, in case we need a visual reminder that the show keeps shitting on her every single season. The guard ensures that Callie can’t speak out against him by smashing her mop bucket against the wall and calling for backup. Pornstache, you are the worst.

Mat comes over to talk to Mariana about some shit that Brandon told him. Except he never says what Brandon told him but decides he can’t trust Mariana. So yeah, last night they had sex and now he’s dumping her. When did this show become Orange is the New Black where all the guys are absolutely the worst? Mariana storms upstairs fueled by righteous rage and tears Brandon a new one. Turns out Emma only bought her tampons and thanks to his stupid mouth she’s single. Way to go, Brandon!

Callie is in SHU for no reason other than she’s not a white dude. Everyone else is getting ready for her hearing. Mike tells AJ he wants to adopt him (that’s one way around not being able to have Ana move in).

[indecipherable straight white man noise]

When oh when will the matriarchy come?

When the family shows up to court Robert has lost his damn mind over not knowing Callie has a hearing. Shut up, dillweed. He wants to be in the room where it happens and honestly, I don’t have any more patience for the fuckery of the dudes on this show. While Robert and the moms fight over what’s best for Callie (moms think she should take the deal; Robert thinks she will get the same treatment he would get and should fight), Callie tells them she’s not going back to juvie. She can’t take it any more.

After an impassioned plea from her attorney, the judge rules that Callie will be tried in adult court. Your criminal justice system at work!

To quote the President of the United States, “I’ll see you in court!”

Right. Again, this *is* court.

Back at home, the moms tell Jude he can be with Noah but not his pot. They are trusting him (hope springs eternal, I suppose). The moms have a sweet hug while discussing the fact that they need a rehab facility for Jesús. But at least Callie is out on bail, right? Callie and AJ snuggle upstairs and exchange some “I love yous” while they can do it not separated by glass.

I rewatched this week’s Supergirl while not stoned, and I admit that I was wrong and Lena Luthor is gay.

Good. Now go rewatch Warehouse 13, give me ten single-spaced pages on Myka and HG’s relationship, and we’ll consider letting you see your boyfriend again.

Stef and Lena tour the rehab place but they can’t stand it so they bring Jesús home. He has a hospital bed in the old dining room. Lena is taking a leave of absence rather than leaving Jesús overnight at the rehab facility all alone. The moms seal the deal with a passionate kiss… on the cheek.

Brandon apologizes to Mariana before the family has pizza. Jesús, formerly enthusiastic about pizza on par with the TMNT, says he doesn’t want it and throws the plate on the floor.

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Lucy Hallowell

Lucy Hallowell lives near Boston with her family. She is a writer whenever she can find five minutes of peace. She is proud to say she managed to ignore her children long enough to write a short story called Dragon Slayer. She has been called a mule on more than one occasion but insists that she simply likes the high ones. Twitter, Tumblr

Lucy has written 12 articles for us.


  1. Thank you for the new recap, Lucy. This family, though! I was endlessly entertained by your captions and their references to various “subtext” on other shows. Also Lena has the slouch and the arms in that shot. It’s good that Stef just concedes.

    • Forgot to add that your righteous rage against the straight white male privilege (and also male privilege) that is often embodied in other characters makes my heart sing.

  2. Thank god for your hilarious captions, because everything else about this episode was depressing as hell.

  3. Dammit, Mat! He’d been one of the good guys! Who the hell dumps their girlfriend the day after sex and moments after her twin brother came out of a coma? I get that he’s stressed about trust issues and has every right to be, but that was way harsh.

    They’re continuing to cram way too much into these episodes.

        • No wonder Stef and Lena never have sex, they’re exhausted! If in a year and a half my kids were arrested, had a hand smashed, eating disorder, started smoking pot, came out, got into multiple car crashes, went to study in a boarding school and got kicked out, started dating their foster sibling, got adopted, got adoption blocked, went to live in a group home, got busted selling pills, had a maniac with a gun invade the house and the school….
          Not to mention Stef getting shot and her father dying.
          And I’m sure I forgot some stuff….

  4. As I was watching this episode, all I could think of was, “When did this show become Orange is the New Black? I don’t want to watch Orange is the New Black!” Seriously, bad stuff just keeps happening.

  5. This episode genuinely infuriated me. It’s like one bad thing keeps happening after the other. I am just happy the mom’s are finally putting their foot down. But I still hate Brandon. And I’m beginning to hate Jude. And I don’t care for Mike or AJ’s storyline. Honestly, this season leaves a lot to be desired. Also, Robert can go.

  6. Am I the only one that had a totally different take to Robert being involved. I was all for it. I don’t think he over stepped because he still is a part of Callie’s life (offscreen) even though he legally is not her parent he still is her parent. He wasn’t around for her because he didn’t know about her and when he found out about her he didn’t give up his parental rights because he didn’t want her, it’s because she wanted to stay with Stef and Lena (and Jude). Anyway if I was Callie I would want Robert’s big fancy expensive lawyer and I would take advantage of ALL the privilege he could give me so that I wouldn’t have to spend another damn day behind bars.

    I am so glad that Mariana and Jude (hopefully) have learned they need to start listening to Stef and Lena, except Brandon, he will never learn.
    I still don’t like Noah and I don’t trust that Jude will keep his word and not smoke pot with him. I want Connor back.

    I didn’t get the Mike/Ana thing, was it a way to just bring up adopting AJ or was Mike too much of a coward to rescind the offer to Ana so he asked to adopt AJ?

    AJ and Callie were very couply this episode which I hope means that they have FINALLY dropped Callie with Brandon and and flirtation she had with whatshisname (I can’t remember).

    Finally, let me say I have had a personal experience with someone with TBI and it is not easy to care for them. After her hospital stay, yes it was difficult to her in a rehab facility for 5 months but they have people who are trained to care for patients. Even after the 5 months in the rehab and we were finally able to bring her home, it was hard for us to figure everything out, we were walking a tightrope without a net. When people are around like people in a rehab facility (as with everything) they create a support system with other patients and it helps them to get better.
    Yes it is heartbreaking to have to leave the person you love in a facility every night but they have the resources to help that you don’t have at home. And believe me, when you are the only face Jesus is seeing Lena every day he will hate seeing it after a while.

    • I agree that they definitely should’ve jumped at Robert’s expensive lawyer. This is no time to get hung up on the principle of the thing!

      • I completely agree with taking the money and the lawyer but I also think Robert is an absolute jerk who is used to getting his way. He literally has no right to stick his nose in to Callie’s life or parenting.

        • I disagree that Robert is a jerk, I think Mike has done “jerkier” things than Robert. And from Callie not being annoyed to see him it makes me think that they still have a meal every now and again and still have a relationship so I don’t think he was sticking his nose in. I’m just saying if this was Brandon would the moms keep Mike out of the loop? And especially given what they are going through with Jesus Robert could’ve been back up for them. Help comes in many forms, you just have to swallow your pride or whatever and accept it.

          • I agree with this comment. We have been shown Stef’s pride in a negative light before when she was ashamed to ask for help (I think from her mother, and maybe there was something with Lena’s dad too). If I were Callie, and I knew Stef had treated Robert so coolly about suggesting a lawyer, I’d be pretty pissed.

          • I think it’s interesting that we are having a conversation about Robert having any right to be in Callie’s life at all.
            This is a guy who had nothing to do with her until she was 16 and then essentially threw money at trying to wrest custody of her from the most stable home she had been in since her mother was killed in a car accident. By doing so he caused this family a lot of heartache and cost them a great deal of money they just don’t have to be spending fighting for the right to adopt Callie.
            Do I think they should use whatever advantages they can (his straight, white male privilege and cash and access) to get a good outcome for their daughter? Sure. But I do not forget for a second the amount of heartache he caused, the way he has inserted himself into their lives without being invited, and the fact that he showed up to court to scream at Stef entirely without being invited.
            The guy is a glorified sperm donor who had regrets and now wants to be part of Callie’s life even if it means wreaking havoc on a family in the midst of a crisis.
            So yeah, I think Robert is a jerk.

          • Robert wasn’t a part of Callie’s life for 16 years because he didn’t know about her and when he did he wanted custody and after heeding to Callie’s feelings he gave up his parental rights but he still wanted to be involved in her life, offering to buy her a car, tuition, bail, etc. Still providing for her.
            And he wasn’t uninvited to the courthouse because Callie most likely invited him and she asked his opinion too.

        • Oh yeah, his snide comments about the moms’ parenting deserved a nose-punch. But any no-strings-attached advantages he can offer up should be grabbed!

    • I dunno, has Mike done anything jerkier than threatening to sue Stef and Lena for custody? And the first time he actually did it? Because that’s quite horrible. And Robert isn’t a parent to Callie the way Mike is to Brandon (if at all), so that comparison doesn’t hold up.

  7. “Dude. You are so over the line. The line is a dot to you!”
    “he wants to be in the room where it happens”
    The fantastic captions.
    Congratulations on the Magisterial recap. Very inspired

      • No, thank YOU
        so happy you’re here to recap this show I love so much, warts and all. Us adult lesbians don’t get much representation so I really appreciate it

        • Thank you! That makes me really happy. There really isn’t much for the olds and I really love Stef and Lena (I just wish everything else was at more like a 7 or 8, not an 11 all the time)

  8. I stopped watching this show before season 01 was over but I still read these, because these are so much better. And I do adore Stef and Lena, obviously. Honestly considering watching it now just so I can be mad at a tv show instead of the real world for a bit.

  9. “Robert cannot believe that Callie has spent her senior year of high school trying to solve a murder. Dude, you really have been out of her life forever; that is the most Callie thing ever.”


  10. “Yes, Stef it’s about time you introduced a consequence or two for these hooligans.” Yeah but not removing the doors. I’ve seen parents do this on several TV shows, and I’m always pissed off about it. Not having a door to close behind you is awful, especially as a teenager. Just look at the way they sleep where Callie is at – places like prisons and juvenile detention offer little or no privacy, and it’s freaking humiliating and dehumanizing. Please don’t do that to your kids unless you have no other choice.

    • “Not having a door to close behind you is awful, especially as a teenager.” Yeah that was the whole point. It will be awful for them not to have a door to shut and hide all the secrets they’ve been keeping.
      It’s a stretch to day that taking a door away is the same as a juvie living situation.

      • I didn’t mean (or say) that it’s the same. Of course it isn’t!

        I don’t think you should punish your kids for punishment’s sake, and I can’t see how this will solve anything.

  11. I have very different views on parenting apparently, because I thought the Stef/Mariana conversation at the hospital was also awful. If my parents kept things from me and lied about my own brother’s health I’d sure as hell disobey them and figure it out myself! What did she expect? She’s still a superhero mom and human being though.

    Regarding when this show became a show where all the guys are the worst: The pilot episode? Later in the first season? I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t.

  12. Far too many things have happened to these people in the amount of time the show is portraying. It’s exhausting.

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