Previously on The Fosters, it was the worst of times.
In the dream kitchen, Brandon has told Stef that his life’s goal of going to Juilliard is gone forever for the low price of a thousand bucks. Stef is so mad she marches upstairs wielding a hammer and chisel and she’s not coming back until all the doors are off the bedrooms. No more privacy, no more secrets, you ungrateful little shits! Damn, Stef is hot when she’s mad.
Mariana threatens to tell Lena. Oh dear, don’t try to divide these two right now, kid. Stef tells her to go ahead and then hands Brandon the tools to finish. The only people who get a door are the moms, motherfuckers! Yes, Stef it’s about time you introduced a consequence or two for these hooligans.
Stef is off to the hospital where Mariana can’t come because Jesús can’t talk; and Jude can’t see Callie in juvvie because he’s not her parent. You want your doors back? Try not being trustworthy again, mmkay? Mariana slaps the Eighth amendment down on the table and Stef is like, “I expected more from you, honey. That shit doesn’t apply to me so take your Donald Trumped up arguments elsewhere.”
Is it hot in here or is it just Stef? (Her hair looks sexy pushed back like that.)
Behind door number three is Jack McPhather-figure. Oh, and he’s mad that no one told him that Callie is in juvvie. Good lord! It’s not about you all the time, ROBERT! Robert offers to pay for Callie’s lawyer and can’t believe Stef is using a public defender for his daughter. She’s not your daughter, man. Stef convinces him that she knows what she’s doing (which is dubious at this exact moment) and asks if he minds if she leaves to go see her kid who was in a goddamn coma. This show, man. When it rains it monsoons.
In juvvie, gross guard propositions Callie. She does her best to shrug him off and get back in line with everyone else. But in the yard, the girl from the next bunk doesn’t like Callie talking to “her man.” A third girl chimes in to tell Callie that the guard is bad news and his drugs are dangerous. Also, water is wet and the sky is blue.
AJ is being extra cute because he’s playing with teeny tiny Isabella. It’s too much. He asks Mike to get him on the list to visit Callie before heading off to school. Mike, in a fit of nothing-lasts-forever/the-world-is-ending/it’s-2017-and-we-have-a-fascist-in-the-White-House, asks Ana and Isabella to move in with him. He promises to check with AJ first but it looks like he’s building his own little brood.
In the hospital, Stef is giving Lena the recap of her terrible morning. Lena looks slightly amused that her wife took the kids’ doors but she doesn’t push back. Sometimes you just have to roll with it (and it’s hilarious). The doctor prepares them for what to expect with Jesús. Shooting yourself in the head with a nail gun isn’t a normal thing. Truly, it only happens on one out of every 600 TV shows, so just be aware there may be some amnesia, an entirely new personality; you know, regular soap opera shenanigans. Jesús can say his name, but he calls a hammer a screwdriver. He also has a twitch. The doctor tells the moms that the recovery is going to take a long time and he is going to need help walking (a cane or walker). He’s also going to need to be in the traumatic brain injury treatment center at the hospital, which is sure to be covered under whatever healthcare system Paul Ryan is cooking up.
The kids are all in school and Mariana is worried something’s really wrong with Jesús. Mat hugs her and assures her that she’s probably right because the only person who suffers zero permanent consequences is Brandon. Brandon bops over to ask Mat if he’s boning his sister and if it’s possible that she might be pregnant. Dude. You are so over the line. The line is a dot to you!
Lena is in her office when Monte comes in. Miss you, Monte! Lena seems to have missed getting her budget report in and Monte offers that she can take a leave of absence but Stef and Lena need the dough (are they still getting fake divorced? Or are we leaving that BS in season 4A?). Thanks for being a supportive boss, though.
Noah has shown up at Paily Anchors Academy to kiss Jude and get everyone in trouble. Look, preacher kid: skeedaddle right now. He hands Jude “something to make you smile” in an envelope. All of which Lena sees out of her office window. Good lord, you two! They took away your doors and still! Still with this crap.
Lena grabs the list of student locker combos and uses it to check out Jude’s. That envelope looks mighty suspicious, kiddos.
Callie and Stef are meeting with the lawyer who can get Callie out on a plea deal in eight months. Or Callie can take her chances being tried as an adult and spend five years in prison. Luckily, they have a whole twelve hours to consider it before the hearing.
AJ can’t get in to see Callie but guess who can? Her “papa,” Robert Quinn (who actually has zero parental rights to Callie but being a rich, white dude will get you anything you want). AJ introduces himself. Robert doesn’t seem to know that Callie had a boyfriend who wasn’t Brandon. Robert cannot believe that Callie has spent her senior year of high school trying to solve a murder. Dude, you really have been out of her life forever; that is the most Callie thing ever. He starts to go off about how he never should have signed away his parental rights. GAH! Stop being so Brandon about this. It’s not about you. He offers her help if she wants a different lawyer. She asks for his advice about the plea versus rolling the dice with the fitness hearing. Unlike Stef, he doesn’t even know what that is.
Stef and Mike are having lunch together. He tells her about asking Ana to move in. Stef is happy for him until she remembers Ana is a felon and she can’t be there if he’s fostering AJ. What dumbass move will Mike come up with to get around this problem?
Mariana sneaks into the hospital and then proceeds to cry when Jesús can’t talk to her. This freaks him the hell out until Stef swoops in to usher Mariana to the waiting room. You can’t just do whatever you want and disobey us, Stef says. She knows Mariana was afraid but Jesus H. Christ, kid, you have to listen. Mariana realizes that Jesús isn’t fine and cries on Stef’s shoulder for a while. Stef assures Mariana that it’s not her fault but maybe it’s time for a little more therapy to figure out why she’s making bad decisions. Stef, you are killing it in the parenthood game today!
Callie hears the girl who threatened her puking over in the corner. No one else wants to help so Callie screams for a guard. The girls gets a ticket to the ER and Callie gets 20 questions about what the girl was on and where the drugs came from. Gross guard lurks in the background like some kind of Officer Wilden and Callie plays dumb.
Mike walks into his apartment where Ana has made dinner and plans to move in. Maybe not the best time to remind her that she cannot move in as long as he’s fostering AJ.
Stef appears to be packing a bag so she can go back to the hospital when Lena tells her about Noah showing up at Jude’s locker. Stef tries to run off and steal his blankets or whatever you take after you’ve taken doors, but Lena tells her to calm the heck down and listen. It turns out that Noah wrote some really bad poetry about hope and shit and she thinks they shouldn’t take any more people away from the Judicorn because everything is terrible right now. I mean, sure that makes sense, but on the other hand Noah’s also giving your kid pot.
We cut to Callie mopping the floor in juvvie, in case we need a visual reminder that the show keeps shitting on her every single season. The guard ensures that Callie can’t speak out against him by smashing her mop bucket against the wall and calling for backup. Pornstache, you are the worst.
Mat comes over to talk to Mariana about some shit that Brandon told him. Except he never says what Brandon told him but decides he can’t trust Mariana. So yeah, last night they had sex and now he’s dumping her. When did this show become Orange is the New Black where all the guys are absolutely the worst? Mariana storms upstairs fueled by righteous rage and tears Brandon a new one. Turns out Emma only bought her tampons and thanks to his stupid mouth she’s single. Way to go, Brandon!
Callie is in SHU for no reason other than she’s not a white dude. Everyone else is getting ready for her hearing. Mike tells AJ he wants to adopt him (that’s one way around not being able to have Ana move in).
When the family shows up to court Robert has lost his damn mind over not knowing Callie has a hearing. Shut up, dillweed. He wants to be in the room where it happens and honestly, I don’t have any more patience for the fuckery of the dudes on this show. While Robert and the moms fight over what’s best for Callie (moms think she should take the deal; Robert thinks she will get the same treatment he would get and should fight), Callie tells them she’s not going back to juvie. She can’t take it any more.
After an impassioned plea from her attorney, the judge rules that Callie will be tried in adult court. Your criminal justice system at work!
Back at home, the moms tell Jude he can be with Noah but not his pot. They are trusting him (hope springs eternal, I suppose). The moms have a sweet hug while discussing the fact that they need a rehab facility for Jesús. But at least Callie is out on bail, right? Callie and AJ snuggle upstairs and exchange some “I love yous” while they can do it not separated by glass.
Stef and Lena tour the rehab place but they can’t stand it so they bring Jesús home. He has a hospital bed in the old dining room. Lena is taking a leave of absence rather than leaving Jesús overnight at the rehab facility all alone. The moms seal the deal with a passionate kiss… on the cheek.
Brandon apologizes to Mariana before the family has pizza. Jesús, formerly enthusiastic about pizza on par with the TMNT, says he doesn’t want it and throws the plate on the floor.