Back in Green Screen Kingdom, Ariel and Snow are all decked out in their sophomore semi-formal dresses, and boy, are they…something. Actually, pretty sure the extras in these scenes were outfitted by an intern run to Forever 21 and Maurice’s, so.

ashley said her mom could pick us up but like i don’t want to go back to ashley’s house tonight because she doesn’t even have a dvd player

Snow tries to help Ariel with her whole human schtick, but Ariel smells ripe manhood and spots Eric. Girl wants the D, and by D I mean Damn Have The Writers Ever Heard of a Narrative Where The Female Isn’t Desperate For A Guy To Complete Her?

Apparently, Eric has been having dreams about Ariel, and figured that Ursula was sending him these dreams to tell him about his future mate. Little did he know that his future mate would deposit her eggs into a shallow cove where he would have to go and inseminate them outside of the body, but details, details.

Regina and her breasts are not pleased. The minions were supposed to kill Snow, not let her have a meaningful connection with a former mermaid who is trying to U-Haul with some flat-haired dummy who believes in dream reading. What is this, a lesbian commune in 1994?

Back in another angle of the same Neverland ten feet of jungle, Rumple is visited by yet another pesky vision of Belle. Except this time, holy shit, Regina shows up and fucking choke holds the Belle vision like a fucking Sith. Lo and behold, and no surprise to Regina or any member of the audience but kind of a surprise to Rumple, the Belle vision is actually a Pan shadow. Rumple’s like wow, definitely rethinking that handjob she gave me earlier.

not endgame? you know who else wasn’t fuckin endgame? sharmen wasn’t fuckin endgame but does anyone give a fuck? no they fuckin don’t

Elsewhere on the Neverland sound stage, everyone’s looking for Neal because that seems like a great use of their limited resources. Emma decides this is as good a time as ever to tell her mom that she and Hook kissed, and Snow has to check herself in order to not grind her teeth to sand. Emma’s like boy, this is some weather we’re having, and let’s not get too excited about Neal being alive because I don’t need to remind you guys that he’s not the most super male specimen. Snow is bewildered that Emma could not have hope in the face of all the fucking adversity that is attempting to foil an elaborate kidnapping, especially since hope is where happy endings come from! Are we seriously trying to make a connection between Emma/Neal and happy endings? Are we going there, Snow? Really, bitch? Really?

my stylist said i could never pull off the german schoolboy haircut but i had hope on my side

Zippety doo dah back in time to Kingdom of the Green Screen, where Eric wants Ariel to come live and travel with him forever, and Ariel is processing that level of commitment. On one hand, she’s always wanted to completely lose her autonomy to a stranger she’s just met, but on the other hand, she doesn’t want to ask for things that she needs because that’s definitely not what a healthy relationship is, right OUAT writers? Snow’s like, psh, healthy relationships? Honey, shit is overrated. So Ariel decides she’s going to go ask the goddess Ursula for advice. And here’s where this show just kind of deteriorates into the land of Wait, What.

Because guess who is pretending to be Ursula?

what’s up bitches

Regina is pretending to be Ursula, guys! I realized this is actually really upsetting because seeing Regina and Actual Ursula interacting would have been so fucking satisfying, but it seems like they’ve neutered her and turned her into a benevolent sea deity rather than a queer icon/badass witch, so maybe I’d be disappointed. Disappointed by this show’s portrayal of my Disney favorites, though? Crazy, right? That shit never happens.

Back on the sound stage that is Neverland, Regina and Rumple are teaming up because Regina is sick of sitting around and having hushed conversations about which shitty dude is supposed to win Emma’s heart. They both want to get to Pan, Regina because he’s kidnapped her son and Rumple because that Pan shadow gives first-rate handies, but it turns out the thing that will do just that is back in Storybrooke. Oops.

you think we could get one of those shadows to look like emma? what? oh no reason

Back in Green Screen Cove, Regina-Ursula has given Ariel a solution that involves some handcuff-like devices. Kinky! Turns out the cuff will turn Snow into a mermaid so she can “escape” the Evil Queen, and Ariel can live the rest of her days with this guy she is just meeting for the second time. Everybody comes away from this a winner, guys. Except not, because the Evil Queen reveals herself and says “Hi, you lose.”

it’s a breast-off, snow. are you in or are you out?

Back in the most tedious storyline to ever be tedious, Team Pollyanna is on their way to find Neal, who is trapped in a Cave of Secrets. Wait, a cave of what? Of SECRETS, you say?

Neal’s in a cage in the middle of the cave. At this point in the episode, I yelled “Leave him there!” but no one listened to me because there were morals to be learned. Under the guise of a plot device that any 7-year old could construct, everyone has to tell a secret to make the bridge that will get them to Neal. Hook’s secret is that he’s finally gotten over that other lady thanks to the love of Charming. Just kidding, he says it’s because of that one time he kissed Emma after skulking and making inappropriate comments at her. True love! Snow’s secret is that she wants to have another baby because this whole attempting to helicopter parent an adult thing has been a real pain in the ass, and baby is more malleable. Charming’s secret is that he can never leave Neverland because he had that drink up on Brokeback Mountain. Emma’s secret is that she wishes Neal were dead because it’d be easier than still loving him, and oh for the love of Goddess, her secret frees Neal from his cage.

Back in the Kingdom of Green Screen and Forever21, Ariel has a chance to go join Eric and his massive dinglehopper, but she decides to sacrifice her happily ever after for another person she just met. Honey, you’re missing the point. Did I mention that Ariel stabs Regina in the neck with a fork? That happened.

Of course, Ariel clearly has to pay for the fork stabbing, and pay she does, because when she swims back to climb Eric like a tree, she’s found that she’s lost her voice. Regina’s conveniently still on the dock, hours and hours later, and tells her that it’s a real bitch when you can’t tell your love how you feel. Regina would know, guys. Regina would know. Sometimes she whispers “I want you” into Emma’s hair when she sleeps.

my eyes are up here, snow

This is all going to come full circle, though, because at the end of the episode we find out that Regina can contact Ariel via a holographic shell projector, and she’s sending Ariel to Storybrooke on a mission. Ariel’s like, wow, last time you made me a deal it was pretty fucking shitty. Regina tells her that a gigantic dinglehopper is waiting for her in Storybrooke, because Eric’s there. And that’s right, Ariel’s main motivation for anything in her plotline is right back to “getting that dude.” Feminism, y’all.

On the note of feminism, let’s hop, skip, and take a liberated jump into the next episode, which some would argue is filler, but I would argue has guns in it, which is a distinct step up in terms of how this show thinks about tangible danger. Magical fireballs? Okay. Gun pointed in the face of our childhood’s beloved princesses? Back the fuck up.

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