Memorial Day weekend is the official unofficial start of the lesbian beach season. Girls with alternative lifestyle haircuts in alternative lifestyle swimwear line the shores of all the best beaches. I just got my hot ass home from Provincetown girls weekend. No — my actual hot ass. My burning hot hot ass that was scorched by the hot hot sun because my friend missed a huge spot while spraying me with sunscreen. So yes, official unofficial lesbian beach weekend is followed by official unofficial lesbian sunburn week. Here are some quick and easy cures to have you cooled off and back on your swagger in no time.
Do you have any idea how amazing a cool wash cloth feels against a sunburn? Like heaven. Like heaven in a wash cloth. And yes, this is as straightforward as it sounds; you just wet a wash cloth. If your sunburn is odd or localized (like on one shoulder) you might find that ice will help. If your sunburn is all over, apparently ice baths also just fix every sunburn. I’ve never tried one myself because I’m a giant wuss about being cold, but if you can stand it, fill a bathtub with cold water and dump ice inside. Unfortunately, you’ll have to add more ice as you lie in the tub because the massive heat radiating from your reddened skin will actually warm up the water. I’m going to go ahead and say that a cool bath will probably do you just as well (and, with a glass of white wine, help you to move on from some of those Dyke Weekend mistakes).
Put Some Food On Yourself
There are a suspiciously large number of foods that magically cure sunburns that are readily available in the kitchen of your beach rental. Baking soda can be put in your bath or mixed with water to make a paste and applied directly to the burn. Milk is another great option for curing sunburns. My childhood best friend’s mom used to always tell me it was because the milk “draws out the heat.” This sounds like some non-science to me, but milk sure does the body good. Just soak some gauze in a glass or room temperature milk and then apply as a compress to the burned skin. Compress for approximately 30 minutes. And yes. Soymilk works too. By far the best food cure for a sunburn, in my experience, is vinegar. You can just put half white vinegar half water in a spray bottle. Then spray the affected area with vinegar. This is particularly effective if you burned your entire back and want to just lie on your stomach on the ground for hours anyways. While you’re lying down on the ground, go ahead and spread some pulverized raw potato pulp on your back. Ensure that you shower after trying any food based remedies so that you’re not gross forever, and avoid contact with your private bits as to avoid getting a totally awful infection.
Hit the Drug Store
Just go ahead and stop a that the drug store before you even get to the beach in the first place. You definitely want to have 100% aloe vera on hand or better yet, an entire aloe plant (it’s going to be a long beach season). 1% hydrocortisone cream can also keep down burn swelling. A good moisturizer will help keep your skin from peeling, but make sure to buy one free of alcohol or perfumes. Lotion with alcohol in it will actually cause your sunburn to dry out even more thereby resulting in your crying for days. Additionally, go ahead and pick up an over the counter anti-inflammatory pain reliever such as ibuprofen, naproxen or aspirin. Taking a couple of these pain killers will take the edge off your burn, but also lower any resulting post-burn fever.
Whine About It
The most important cure for a sunburn, like most things, is to whine about it. How can you maximize complaining in this situation? If at all possible, put on aloe in public and make sure to groan emphatically while applying. Grimace every time you stand up or shift positions. If anyone bumps into you, recoil in horror and remind them that they just touched your sunburn. Be sure to text message your mom to receive the maximum sympathy. If your sunburn isn’t actually that bad, recall previous worse sunburns and compare accordingly. Finally, don’t forget to blame your awful terrible friend who completely missed spraying half your ass with sunscreen as if she didn’t know you had two sides to your ass.
Good luck with your lesbian beach weekends and your lesbian sunburns this season and next time do better protecting yourself.