Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

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A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

I was telling the some other Straddlers about that coming out later in life panel from snow camp 2013. A panel that you’re still thinking about 4 years later is a successful one. Thanks again, Laneia, for remembering to bring the box of tissues.
Laneia: !!! You are extremely welcome. I hope you had a jacket at that camp.

Hi! I just wanted to let you know that I sincerely appreciate the refund on the Hot Take tee. However, since I bought the t-shirt to support you, I had to donate the $25 back to Autostraddle. <3 <3 You are all so amazing and I would be heartbroken to see you not exist anymore especially for everyone else that needs you. So don’t refund my money again! ;D (Unless the item isn’t actually available – then in that case I’ll take the refund, hehe)
Laneia: Thank you, friend! I personally promise to never refund your money ever again.

MERCH REQUEST: a t-shirt that just says “flung out of space”
Heather:

Hey Autostraddle! I want to grab some merch but was wondering what the sizes are like? I’m a XL with a large bust in inconsistent Australian sizes, so was curious about how I go about picking a size? Can’t wait to finally have a Hot Take and Gender Traitor shirt of my own. Thank youuu xx
Sarah: We print on a lot of different types of merch, so every shirt will fit a little differently. The best way to determine what size you are is to measure around your chest, waist and hips with measuring tape, keeping it loose/comfortable, and then checking out the measurement graphs in the store. Each individual tee will have a chart that helps determine what size you should pick based on your measurements.

A+ members should get early-bird A-Camp registration. It is right and fair
Laneia: I agree with you.

Thank you for redesigning the affiliate page! I’m a costume designer who shops online frequently with some pretty large budgets- hoping to kick back some of that money back y’all’s way. I use Zappos all of the time but I didn’t see it listed anywhere. If you can swing adding them as well, I’ll be sure to shop via your link!
Rachel: Thank you we will keep this in mind! I love that they have the video option for shoes

Hi! I love AS, and have been reading for years. The only thing that bugs me sometimes is when I open an external link, it opens in the same window, and not onto another tab. It would be SO great if it could open into another tab, so I can keep the tabs I want open to read later. :) xoxo
Laneia: I’m not sure why our links don’t automatically open in a new tab, but I can tell you that my #1 internet-clicking habit is command+click on every single website forever, and thus I have 300 tabs open at any given time. Maybe someone will tell us why AS doesn’t default to opening in new tabs and then we’ll all know, but I’ll still command+click because again, I trust no one.

Riese: It’s something relating to the page load time!

Random thought: how about an Esty-alike facility, for everyone to show off (and sell) what they can make? Creators get some moolah, you get commission.. maybe worth a thought? I’d think folk might be inclined to go with a generous cut, to help with the site.
Riese: Oof that’s a good idea but also sounds like a full-time job! Keeping our own little store updated is often impossible.

can you please make all of your links open in a new tab? it’s so annoying to close a tab from your article and then close autostraddle altogether. most other websites do this already.
Rachel: We hear you! While we work on it I will continue command+clicking along with you!

Thank you all for listening and moving A-Camp. Much appreciated
Rachel: ?

Just got my A+ sticker!! Riese, is that your hand writing that my address is in? But also, the only podcasts I can seem to make work are the inbox LIVE! ones. None of the old “A+ Podcast Episode [number]” work. Do those still exist to listen to or are they gone forever?
Riese: YUP THAT’S ME THAT’S MY HANDWRITING ON YOUR LETTER IT SURE IS unless it’s Sarah Sarwar’s ’cause she sometimes helps me but it’s most likely mine.

The AS stuff I purchased thanks to your gr82bgayer sale came yesterday! My scissoring sweater is so big and comfy and soft and the Bi Bi Bi shirt is also comfy and soft and I love my Yes Cats! zine and my Read a Fucking Book pin and my bonus It’s Great to Be Bisexual Sticker! THANKS 4 THE SALE YA’LL <333
Riese: YOU ARE SO VERY WELCOME

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ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

August born children are half as likely to go to university as September ones. That doesn’t seem fair and makes me glad I repeated a year as a summer baby.
Riese: This is… fascinating? Where does this information come from! Is it because of the weird age things that happen around those months? I’m a September baby so I started kindergarten when I was 4 and also I did go to college, that is my statistical contribution. I have an August baby ex who didn’t go to college… also this is the part where I say that it’s okay to not go to college we all have our own paths in life!

you guys my ex/first queer partner/first True Love who broke up with me because he’s gay just told me he recently went on a date with a woman, and it was super fun and they’re going to go out again. He transitioned while we where dating, then we broke up, then we were friends again, then we got back together and were talking about getting engaged, then he came out to me as gay, now we’ve settled into best friendship. All I want for him is to be happy, but ALSO I can’t help feeling sad and a bit angry, which is unfair because I know sexuality is fluid and I’ve moved on and am in a lovely relationship etc etc, I’m just tired and wished he could’ve spared me the heartbreak of dating/breaking up again a second time. So basically I feel shitty at myself for feeling shitty. I know it’ll wear off in a couple of days, but until then: Cool! Fun times! BLAH
Riese: Honestly if I was in your situation I would be so annoyed even though I would also know that like politically I shouldn’t be. That’s the rub here, I suspect: sometimes our feelings aren’t politically correct, and that’s fine. Any time somebody breaks up with you because you are not [thing they have decided they cannot be with] and then starts dating somebody else who is [thing they have decided they cannot be with], it hurts! Because then you’re like “wait, was it just me?” Honestly if my gay boyfriend from high school married a woman tomorrow I would be secretly annoyed even though I’m a lesbian now, he was gay when we met (we just had a lot of sexual tension and were obsessed with each other so decided to try dating anyhow), and I haven’t talked to him in 15 years. So, listen we’re all the worst.

Hey AS, I just came out to my mum as pan (or bi, which is probably easier to understand) in conversation while talking about a convo with my grandma re the marriage equality
Heather: Well done, you! I hope it went so well and they blanketed to you with their love!

Laneia: CONGRATS, FRIEND!

I just interviewed Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher for my job and MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN MADE.
Riese: They’re so great aren’t they! They’re really great human beings, I’m so glad they exist.

Laneia: I saw them after their show in Phoenix last month and blurted out HI I’M LANEIA FROM AUTOSTRADDLE OH MY GOD THANK YOU THAT WAS JUST LIKE A-CAMP and Cameron just kind of blinked at me like 12 times and then said “Yeah you’re welcome!” with this face ? and I was a little embarrassed afterward but then remembered how nice and cool they are, and felt much better!

Seen a video last night with someone I really like (celebrity wise) being shouted at by idiots. I really hate toxic masculinity & homophobia :( I can’t understand it at all. And they probably think they’re moral for doing it.
Riese: Was it Lily Tomlin being shouted at by David O Russel by any chance

I am mostly very glad not to be straight (your straight women are not okay reinforces that), but I have a lot of platonic love my not-straight best friend and it is definitely platonic and I do not want a romantic and/or sexual relationship with her, however despite knowing my feelings are platonic and not wanting more than I have, I still feel confused by my feelings and I can’t help thinking that there are straight women who love a friend this much and it is not at all confusing for them.
Heather: Yeah, I truly do not understand straight women. I think almost all of them are brainwashed, I really do. Also from now until the end of eternity whenever a queer woman tells me she’s in love with a straight girl, I’m sending them straight to this Y’all Need Help that Laneia wrote a few weeks ago.

Laneia: Let me tell you something, even when I thought I knew myself and therefore thought I was a straight woman, too, I still didn’t understand straight women. This is either a testament to how outlandishly bizarre they are, or how stunningly gay I was.

The USA is going from bad to worse right now. I’ve been talking to my partner about moving abroad. At first she was against it but she is starting to change her mind.
Laneia: Please send postcards! There’s a lovely person named Alice who sends me postcards from London every now and then and it’s the highlight of my week.

Am I a bad liberal because I’m a pedant? I honestly don’t care about rules for the sake of rules, but I have difficulty understanding the ‘unspoken’ bits of language and the ins and outs of it so I need for wording to be extremely clear. I find that when people don’t take active care with the language they use, I don’t actually know what they’re talking about and get things wrong. For example, I had a tutor who told me the date that I had to hand in a piece of work in such a way that I was late with it, rather than just giving me the actual date (instead of Wednesday, 4th October for eg, she said ‘a week Wednesday’). I do understand that some people don’t speak English as a native language or have language difficulties that are different to my own, but my own natural language difficulties require me to have clear written information in areas where I have to work with others like in education and the workplace and information broken up into clear points. So I have to come across as a bit of a pedant. I keep coming across articles that say ‘we hate pedants’ or ‘pedants are oppressing people’ and it makes me feel as if I can’t be a good liberal while I have this language barrier.
Rachel: No I don’t think so! I think you’re conflating the idea of rigidity for rigidity’s sake with needing a specific kind of unambiguous communication, which aren’t the same thing. Also what you’re talking about is how you need things communicated to you; when people talk about pedants they’re usually criticizing them for enforcing rules or rigidity on others.

I just watched an old episode (obviously) of Friends and that show is really sexist (and racist via omission of POC and transphobic and homophobic). Never noticed that as a kid.
Heather: I used to love Ross. ROSS! May we all wake up enough to one day understand Ross is the problem with the world.

Laneia: A few weeks ago there was yet another discussion in the world of whatever where people (straight men) were saying that these beloved comedians of yore would never make it in this PC-obsessed climate — people like George Carlin and I don’t even know who else they were propping up, Andrew Dice Clay? — and it’s like yeah dude, no shit? They were very specifically of their time, that’s why they were so popular then. They were shining a spotlight directly onto the culture at that time. Of course that same schtick wouldn’t work now. To be clear, I’m not “no shit”-ing you, reader friend, I’m saying your statement of truth reminded me of that conversation and makes me feel slightly better because I think much better art is being made now, because we’re demanding it. And it helps me kind of come to terms with the sexist homophobic art we consumed as children/teens because a) it was of that time (sadly, pathetically) and b) I know it wouldn’t fly with me now, which means I have grown as a human and so have you and I’m proud of us for so vehemently giving a fuck about a things like this.

I’ve long felt very at home in wlw spaces like this one, but I’m nonbinary. I don’t know that I feel comfortable calling myself ‘woman-aligned’ when I present in a fairly butch way, but my attraction to women feels inherently queer and I am mostly perceived as a butch lesbian. I don’t know how to feel like I’m not invading women’s spaces.
Riese: Firstly, presenting in a fairly butch way and being woman-aligned are not mutually exclusive — there are like, hundreds of thousands of butch women and butch women-aligned people out there! People who suggest otherwise make me want to punch a wall! As for the rest of it… I feel like we need a new word for somebody’s social and political alignment. Trust me I think we have too many words so if I’m suggesting we make a new word then the situation is officially dire!! But I think if you feel very at home here, then this is your home. We have a significant percentage of non-binary readers!

Hi, I’m just feeling kinda down today? In that way where hanging out with friends makes it worse, somehow. Like it brings into focus how much youre just Not Feeling It At All. I miss camp a lot. I hope I get to go in 2018. Camp is the only place where I have queer friends. Thank you for Camp, basically
Yvonne: Maybe take some time for yourself for a while? Sometimes you won’t be as social and sometimes you’ll be hanging out with friends several weekends or days in a row. Your friends will understand. I hope you can come to A-Camp too!

Laneia: I relate to this feeling so much! I agree with what Yvonne said and don’t really have any other advice, I just wanted to shout my understanding of your situation!

I did two unusually social things this weekend and while I didn’t enjoy one and only partially enjoyed the other, I’m trying to be proud that I tried new things. But I wish I had tried better new things. I miss my social life in the place I just moved away from
Yvonne: Baby steps, my friend! You should be proud of doing not one but two unusually social things! That is something to be proud of and will hopefully give you the courage to try a bolder new thing soon.

just wanted to let you know i read the words “dudeoir shoot” (as in boudoir, if that’s not clear) and it’s ruining my day.
Yvonne: I was curious and I googled dudeoir and now I’m really confused. Like is this really for the enjoyment of the wives of these men or are they joking~. I DON’T KNOW.

I’m studying abroad and it was all going great but recently I’ve just been feeling really sad. Everything can be going amazingly and then one thing will happen and it completely knocks me down. It’s hard to get out of bed and socialise and I’m also not eating properly because getting up to make proper food is just so hard. It could be a side effect of culture shock, there’s also something called ‘year abroad depression’. I just need advice on what to do. It doesn’t help that I’m in a country with a language barrier, so although in theory I can speak the language, I don’t really want to go to a doctor until I’m back home, if it persists that long. I’m just at my wit’s end.
Yvonne: I studied abroad for a semester in Spain and felt sorta like this at one point. Studying abroad can become very lonely and difficult. I don’t know about you but I pressured myself to be fully immersed in Spanish culture and tried to always speak Spanish, hang out with the Spanish students in my program, and explore the city I was living in. While it can be very rewarding and enriching, it can also become overwhelming. I’m not sure of your situation but what really helped me was making sure I regularly talked with my family and friends back home, even for just a few minutes. I also made sure to spend time with the American students in my program who were basically in the same boat I was and made time to decompress and just speak English. What I’m saying is to take some time to ground yourself and surround yourself with things that are familiar to you.

I just feel the need to say to someone that the Elie Wiesel assault allegation is fucking me up. Not in a “I am a physical danger to myself or others” way, but in a “I want to lie down flat on the floor and never get up again, like, not die, just live the next sixty years of my life lying on the floor because right now I do not understand how any woman ever has enough energy to even stand up” way. I am so exhausted by this fucking world. I honestly feel so lucky that the guy who groped me was just some rando on the street and not a Nobel Peace Prize winner, but WHAT A HIDEOUS THING TO FEEL LUCKY ABOUT!! But I am glad that you guys and this website exist in this world with me, finding what joy we can in celebrity instagrams because god knows we have to try to find joy SOMEWHERE.
Rachel: I feel all of this very deeply yes, honestly “I want to lie down flat on the floor and never get up again, like, not die, just live the next sixty years of my life lying on the floor because right now I do not understand how any woman ever has enough energy to even stand up” has been such a feeling for a while now! Sending you a virgin daiquiri, I’m so glad you exist!!!

I’ve feel down and confused about my feelings for a girl all week and having A TIME, and then the universe magically brought to me someone giving away a free ticket to the sold out Tegan & Sara Concert tonight! And like I’m still hurting but wow! This is so amazing!!! And I don’t really have people to share my life with lately, so I’m sharing here! <3
Rachel: You are honestly living the dream, wherein “the dream” is intense gay emotional catharsis! I’m so happy/feel so much for you!

My family recently re-subscribed to HBO and it reminded of why I was so mad with them and I just need to vent a little. I live in Asia and we get HBO Asia which provides their content to a number of countries including Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia. That’s right. They censor nudity AND LGBT content. My country has no laws prosecuting LGBT people and we don’t censor LGBT content so my assumption is that they censor all their content and provide the same content to every country with HBO Asia. Even HBO Go is censored! And I’m not talking about mosaic here. They cut the scenes out completely, even if it’s just a chaste kiss or even if it destroys the scene and makes the story confusing. I was mad enough to email them after watching Bessie a couple of years ago and they said they have a “cultural responsibility” to their viewers and basically told me to suck it. It’s just so maddening!
Rachel: God that’s so upsetting and that response is so disheartening! I understand being mad and I feel for you. We all deserve to watch Bessie uncensored!

UH HI TODAY I LEARNED THE GIRL I LIKE LIKES ME BACK AND I’M. SO. HAPPY.
Rachel: WELL HOT DAMN

Oh gosh, I saw Professor Marston at the cinema yesterday and I loved it SO MUCH. SO much! I don’t think I could have loved it more, even. And this, my friends, was right after seeing Thelma, which is pretty dark fyi but also a quality film with two hot women, which I can happily recommend to people up for a dark film with two hot women right now. TWO GOOD, WELL REVIEWED QUEER FILMS SHOWING IN THE SAME WEEK! And then, THEN, having been tearing up on and off all through Prof Marston (because that shit was adorable), I came home to find my second homeland of Australia voted yay not nay and full wept – what a time to be alive!! (Ok it’s a mixed time to be alive but yesterday felt pretty damn good)
Rachel: God I can’t WAIT to see Thelma and also Professor Marston and I’m so HAPPY for you and Australia!

Nothing to do with AS, but I *might* have landed a job that’ll bring me back to San Francisco. =:D
Rachel: Yes!!! Congrats!!!

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HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION / ARTICLE IDEAS

hello! i have enjoyed your bi week content. i have never identified as bisexual but then my partner transitioned so now i am dating a man and idk anymore! maybe i am bisexual. life is wild and i am in therapy. anyway i think it is an interesting and difficult identity shift when your partner transitions that people don’t really talk about so much. when you google there is a lot of stuff about supporting your partner and not a ton about figuring out yourself and i think you guys should write a thing about that. ok you are great have a great thursday.
Rachel: You’re right! We should. You’re great too and I hope you’re well!

The latest craft sequence book “Ruin of Angels” is out and it basically has WLW grad student adventurers Ocean’s Eleven heisting and Indiana Jonesing around in an alternate dimension that lives under an imposed other dimension impressed on it by the regions conquerors. In general the Craft Sequence has lots of representation and I love it. You guys don’t seem to have written about it yet.
Heather: Ooooh, I’ll look right into that!

Hi! So I work in video game development. Recently a few of us queer ladies had a conversation about how hard it is to flirt in online games because we don’t know who’s a fellow queer and who isn’t. We were thinking pass phrases might be the way to go. I thought if we could say the “right” thing it would trigger interest and questions. And/or we could post it on twitter with a hashtag. However we get it out there, we don’t know what good pass phrases would be. We for sure don’t want to trigger harassment. I did some googling but didn’t find anything good. Do you all have historical phrases or knowledge of what’s out there now? Thank you!
Laneia: Ok now I’m obsessed with this concept.

Have you read Small Beauty by Jia Qing Wilson-Yang? It’s the most beautiful book I have ever read, and really got me thinking about queer people and our queer ancestors. Transparent did the same. Anecdotally I know a lot of queer people (including myself) with queer siblings or parents/ uncles/ aunts and I have often wondered if it’s a thing. There have always been queer people so it makes sense that there will be queer people going back in all of our family trees. I would love to read something about this.
Rachel: Yeah we’ve covered Small Beauty a few times! Here’s an interview with Jia Qing Wilson-Yang by Kai Cheng Thom! I’m so glad you liked the book!

can we have more poly pocket? I miss it!! I love hearing about different queer poly lifestyles. also I just read the first one Carolyn did and I’d love to see more where people in relationships are interviewing each other. thanks so much for all you do!
Yvonne: I learned so much from Poly Pocket! It was a mini series so it won’t be back but we hope to bring more content on the topic.

Is anyone writing about “Strangers”, that show on Facebook Watch? Lots of queer ladies!
Heather: Thanks for the tip! I’ll look into it!

Laneia: I will never look into it and I hate tips. JK but what if someone said that to you after you recommended something?? That would be wild.

Hi AS! Could you please do a roundtable on pronouns and/or nonbinary/genderqueer identities? I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve had this kind of content and it would be cool to know more about AS writers and their experiences. I’d also love to know more about y’all’s coming out processes (to self and others) around this stuff. Thx!
Yvonne: You’re in luck because we’ve had a roundtable on this in the works for some time. It’ll be published soon!

Did the AM/PM series end or is it on hiatus? I so loved reading the column and would love to see more of it!
Yvonne: It hasn’t ended! We have a few more in the works.

Laneia: I love that series so much! It was Carolyn’s idea and I just wanted to give her credit because I never realized how much I wanted to know what everyone does in the mornings, so thank you Carolyn.

How about an interview with the folks behind this venture? 
Yvonne: This seems pretty cool.

Have ya’ll done a fiction list for intersex characters? If not, would it be possible to make one? I’m thinking of including an intersex character in this fantasy story I’ve been thinking about for a long time, but I want to make sure I don’t tokenize them. My only point of reference for intersex folks is “Faking It” and that one episode of “Freaks and Geeks” where Seth Rogen gets a cute intersex girlfriend.
Yvonne: I will pass this along to Casey, who might know some!

Hi! One of my friends (an actual friend, not “my friend”) has recently realized they may be a woman. Do you have any “trans starter kits” type of resources? Knowledge is power and I would like to be able to help them however I can, especially as they have not spent much time on the queer internet. Stuff about the different ways of experiencing (or not) dysphoria would be especially great. Thank you so much!
Rachel: Starter kits on identity-based stuff isn’t our usual content so much, but your friend might get something out of reading through our trans*scribe series!

the last episode of jane the virgin we found out a male character is bisexual and jane had to deal with feeling weird about that – also leading her to think about if she could be attracted to women and then almost kisses a woman. maybe worth mentioning on boob(s on your tube)?
Rahel: Definitely worth mentioning! I haven’t caught up in JTV yet but I am waiting to get there and I am NERVOUS

Is Meth a big problem for the lesbian community as it is for the gay men? What about so called party drugs?
Rachel: I’m not sure there’s a definitive cut-and-dried answer to this but I would say broadly that substance abuse and chemical dependency are def something lgb women are at risk for, although I don’t think most people would identify meth or party drugs as our drugs of choice necessarily

When is the second-season of “One Day at a Time” coming out?
Rachel: I wanna say January? Let’s all watch it together!

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I NEED ADVICE

i want to start wearing men’s button-ups but i have boobs that get in the way??? could you do like an intro to wearing button-ups guide or something pls
Heather: We sure can!

I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but a ring doesn’t really suit her personality. What are some other romantic/ cool ways to propose?
Yvonne: You may not like this answer but here it is: do whatever feels right for you two! We’re queer, we’re already bending “the rules” so maybe it’s a watch you give her, or a necklace, or a Golden Snitch. It can be anything that has meaning to you or your partner. Ali offers some good advice in this piece too under “Thinking Outside the Ring Box.”

Laneia: Oh my god please give her a golden snitch.

I am out to (almost) everyone as bi, and it’s great to be out of the closet, but on top of dealing with the internalized biphobia and insecurity that my dating history has been almost entirely male, I’ve realized recently that I’m not interested in dating ANYONE right now, no matter what junk they have. And it’s very hard to feel valid as queer when I don’t want to date anyone (I don’t think I identify as Ace because I’m still definitely attracted to people, but the very thought of anything related to dating or relationships makes me feel stifled). So I guess I’m wondering if I am really “queer enough” or “allowed” to identify as bi, and also do you have anything I can read/watch/listen to about queer identity that isn’t solely tied to relationships?
Laneia: You are definitely 100% queer enough and allowed to identify as bi, no matter what you do or who you’re with or not with or what sandwiches you eat at lunch or how many times you cry watching The Notebook or how tall you are or how many shoes you own or whether or not you checked your mail today. You’re YOU and you’re always you all the time, regardless of any other thing that could possibly be happening in your life. I suggest you listen to Cameron Esposito’s Queery podcast, especially the episodes with bi people, but really all of them are great.

hello – i have recently figured out the whole gay thing (thanks for your help with that btw) and i’d like to learn more about queer history because i think it’s important. can you recommend books (especially) or sites or other media? thanks!
Yvonne: We will publish an epic queer history book list soon! In the meantime, check out the queer history posts we’ve written in the past month. 

When will my queer identity not feel in flux? When will it feel ok to have a long-term boyfriend but still identify as Gay?
Laneia: When you give yourself complete permission to be you.

Is it ableist/cruel to cut someone important out of your life if they cannot/will not ‘behave’ in a way you feel comfortable with? My dad has always been the same. Every time I meet up with him, he manages to get in an argument with wait staff or other members of the public where he shouts at them for doing something which is inevitable or normal. This puts him in a bad mood for the rest of the visit where he rants about how bad/rude they were. He isn’t able to see that he’s at least part of what went wrong. He also doesn’t seem to remember how old I am. That means he crosses boundaries. He wants me to sit on his knee and cuddle and things which would be fine in a little kid but which are a bit ‘Trumpesque’ between a father and his adult daughter. And he is so scared about me being snatched up that I can’t go out with him and be out of his eye line for even a brief period of time. Again because he still sees me the same way that he did when I was six. Because he’s like that, I haven’t met up with him since his latest outburst which was a few years ago. This has suited us both. But now he’s inviting me out for coffee and I know it will all start up again. I’m moving closer to him for other reasons and I’m not sure if I should tell him my new address or not. I’m actually scared of meeting up face to face. We have a great relationship via text but in person he just can’t act in a way that I feel comfortable with. In private, he’s too touchy-feely and in public he’s too protective and shouty. This is all down, I think, to his mental illness. If it wasn’t then I’d just cut him out. But I think it has to do with paranoia and his inability to see how things have changed. Trouble is, I have mental health issues too and they come in the form of social anxiety. Even normal eating out is hard for me. With his added pressure it just becomes impossible for me not to be distressed by it. Is it cruel/ableist to just not tell him I’ve moved and not meet up with him? Should I tell him how it makes me feel or will that make him feel worse to the point of triggering his illness? Do I really have to just experience it because I’m his daughter? He’s my dad but I feel more like I’m his mother when he behaves like that.
Rachel: Listen there’s a lot I could say about this but: no! No it’s not ableist. It’s okay and you’re okay for doing it. You don’t owe anyone else in your life a specific kind of relationship or a relationship in general, even if they’re mentally ill, even if they’re family. You have the right to negotiate whatever kind of relationship with him is safe and healthy for you, whether that means a relationship over text only or not a relationship at all. We all have reasons for doing the harmful things we do to other people, and sometimes those reasons have to do with mental illness; that doesn’t mean anyone is exempt from the consequences of those harmful actions or that you are required to look past them to help treat his mental health! I’d also gently suggest that you let yourself question what outcomes and meanings of your actions are realistic — to what extent do you think your actions as an individual can actually impact your dad’s mental health one way or another, and to what extent is this about guilt in an abstract way? As the child of a certified Bad Dad with a mental illness, I am hereby giving blanket permission to anyone who needs it to set up whatever boundaries you need with yours, regardless of diagnosis or how guilty anyone has made you feel about it in the past. I’m gonna make certificates and hand them out.

How do I support my bestie through a breakup with her long term partner while also mourning the loss of them as friends together? By that I mean, I met them as a couple and always thought of them as a unit, and the three of us has had so much fun together! Now that’s all gone and I’m trying to figure out how I can be friends with both of them while respecting my best friend’s hurt feelings (she was the dumpee)? We all share the same friend group, naturally, so that’s an extra complication.
Laneia: Definitely don’t put any of your processing/grief onto your best friend — share it with others in the friend group instead, or your therapist or cat or journal. The dynamic of your group has changed and it will change again and again until you’re dead (and then it will change in your absence). Try to grow alongside the change and support your friend.

Is it wrong to want a one-night stand if you’ve never had sex and never dated anyone? How do you find someone to one-night-stand with, without going to a bar and getting smashed?
Rachel: I say this with a heavy heart but I think the answer might be Tinder.

Can I end a short story collection in a misandrist rant and a tribute to trans/cis women everywhere for putting up with the patriarchy?
Rachel: I can’t see why not.

Laneia: Permission granted.

Why is it hard to do the online dating? I tried every app/online dating site. What am I doing wrong?
Heather: Have you tried Twitter? Twitter is the best online dating app because first you can find people who have similar interests to you, then you can meet up and make out with them, then you can talk about the things you talked about on Twitter, for example: The Bold Type.

hi a-team,

i’m calling in all of your help. i was seeing this person i like A LOT! she is smart, thoughtful, good at sharing, grounded, politically sexy, analytical, fun and easy to be around, etc. we had worked together for almost two years, so i’ve known i think she’s wonderful for quite some time. basically, i admire her and think she’s pretty dope. before we made our relationship intentions clear, aka before we vocalized to one another that we only wanted to date/smooch each other, i slept with another person.

…
i’m sure you can see where this is going.
…

so, about three weeks in to our newly defined partnership, i told this wonderful human, who i adore, about my past decision to sleep with someone else. i thought it was important because we had talked a lot about monogamy/ non-monogamy… she being a monogamist and me being a person who had most recently been exploring non-monogamy. in fact, during our exclusivity conversation, she said that if non-monogamy was ever a thing i wanted to do, to let her know at once and to expect her to peace out. to this, i agreed. also, to me, this marked the beginning of my commitment to be monogamous with her (and i was super excited to be in that kind of relationship with her).

when i told her i slept with someone else, she cut off the conversation immediately and said she was done. to her, the fact that i did this before our the exclusivity talk didn’t matter, it was a deal breaker. it felt like our friendship went from courtship to partnership at a pace of 0-100mph and then stopped just as quickly. i feel like i have whiplash.

now she’s asked me to give her space; that she’ll be ready to talk in several weeks when her life calms down a bit. i respect her need for space + i’m certainly willing to take responsibility for my choice + apologize for hurting her. ooof, as i write this out, i realize that at the beginning of our thing, we promised to take care of our friendship… and me sleeping with someone wasn’t the best way to do that. damn it, past me!

ok, anyway…
i really don’t want this to be the end of our relationship. i think this person is so great and we both saw this thing being a cool and long thing. i enjoy sharing thoughts and space with her. i know i was selfish to sleep with another person. what i want her to hear is that after telling her i wanted to be monogamous with her, i’m totally on board.

a-team, my questions are:

– how do i present my side–where the timeline of events and our exclusivity conversation *is* important– without negating my apology (or, more likely, my multi-faceted, bullet-pointed apologies)?
– how do i approach/disagree with/question the hurtful things she said to me when she was super angry?

help.me.
thank youuuuu!
Riese: The timeline isn’t just “important.” It’s like the central fact of this conversation. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, it’s not okay for her to hold a past action — that you committed as a single person who was not in a monogamous relationship – against you. I’ve also got no clue what you sleeping with somebody else has to do with taking care (or not) of your friendship. Your friends cannot tell you who to sleep with, unless it’s like, their abusive ex or their current partner, you know?

Rachel: I agree! Not to be a bitch but I would worry less about how to phrase things in a specific way that helps you get this girl back and maybe think more about what this reaction says about her and what light it sheds on conflict resolution going forward in a potential hypothetical relationship.

I’m in a new relationship and my word are we sexually compatible! The thing is that I’m quite sexually submissive at heart, but more than that I’m very much a people pleaser which means I’ve taken more dominant roles in the past because that’s what my SOs were looking for. But now I’m dating someone who is much more dominant and the sex is bloody fantastic, but I keep feeling like I’m letting her down due to my past situations. How do I let go of that and just be in this relationship alone?
Laneia: You’re not letting her down! You’re having great sex! Whatever you did in the past has nothing to do with her now.

Two related questions: Best break up survival tips? Is it possible to be friends (eventually)?
Heather: #1: Mute or unfollow them on all social media. It is ten thousand times harder to get over someone when they’re in your face all hours of the day and night with their adorable pictures of them in places you used to go together and tweets about stuff you used to talk about. I know not everyone agrees with this, but I am a firm believer in ripping that Band-Aid right the heck off. #2: With the time you’d have used pining and moping on social media, do stuff you know you love/that makes you happy. Hiking, reading, game nights or pub nights with friends, movies that make you feel good, self-care, shopping, whatever. Or learn a new thing you’ve always wanted to try. Photography, baking, writing haikus, meditating. Feeling better about yourself with help you feel better about your breakup even while feeling like butts about your breakup. #3: Be gentle with yourself and feel everything you need to feel and keep being gentle with yourself. #4: Assume no on the friendship thing and then let yourself be surprised if it does work out. Right now you’ve gotta let go of all the expectations you had for yourself and this other human. Holding onto hope of a friendship is just giving them even more power over your heart. You’re gonna make it! You really are!

Any fresh cut tips for short hair? I’m tired of my current style but can’t think of anything exciting enough to take the plunge
Laneia: I just got a long bob and it added years to my life and organized my refrigerator.

I could use some advice on new relationships. To make a very long story short: I’m about to turn 29. I’ve been in two major relationships in my adult life. My first relationship/the relationship that made me come out and leave my church was with a woman I got engaged to. It ended horrifically when we were long distance and I told her I was stuck in a living situation where I was being horrifically abused (I developed PTSD from it) and asked for help and she wrote back that I needed to grow up and learn to take care of myself. I was 19. My ex later told me the only thing she missed about our relationship was that I was always waiting for her whenever she needed to talk. This is because I literally never slept for the two years we were together in case she needed me because she would disappear for weeks at a time and if I missed her I wouldn’t hear from her. She also convinced me I was selfish for asking to see her more than once a month. Almost immediately after leaving that relationship, I got into one that lasted 7 years. The last year we became long distance and my ex ghosted me the day before our 7-year anniversary. No warning. No arguments. She just stopped responding to any message that was relationship or friend related until I gave up. Through therapy I learned that relationship was also messed up and it warped my sense of reality/self/what was acceptable in relationships.

I’ve spent the last year and a half in therapy and learning about boundaries and emotional abuse and what isolation does to a person and basically trying to understand reality again (since being in emotionally abusive relationships since I was 18 left me pretty unsure about what was real and what wasn’t) and I feel a lot better/am much healthier.

But now I’m trying to figure out how to move forward with an actually healthy relationship. I know what signs to watch out for now and how to insist on boundaries and vocalize my needs, but I’m 29 and have never “dated.” I haven’t been kissed in 3 years. I haven’t had sex in 6. I get nervous when people flirt with me/rarely notice if people are. I don’t know how to casually date or turn people down politely but don’t want to date people I don’t want to just because I’m scared of confrontation. I’m really scared about how to progress which stinks because I put so much work into getting to a healthy place.

I don’t know exactly what I’m asking for, but if anyone has advice/ideas/thoughts I would really appreciate them. I want to pull my life together and make meaningful, healthy connections to other people. I’ve spent my whole adult life isolated and lonely. Anything helps.
Rachel: I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through so much and am so impressed with all the work you’ve done — I know how incredibly difficult it is to work on yourself and to try to heal and learn from those experiences and it sounds like you’re doing great! I think you maybe already know this, but unfortunately there isn’t a clear answer on how to move forward, or a concrete set of steps. I think maybe what you’re kind of asking here is “how do I stop feeling the fear about dating and intimacy that’s paralyzing me from moving forward” and the short answer is that you can’t; if you’re going to do it at all you have to do it while being scared, and totally making it up as you go, and with full knowledge that you might get hurt again. If you’ll forgive the somewhat flip metaphor about your truly intense personal process, this is like going from passing the written driver’s test to a road test; there’s only so much studying you can do, and some stuff you can only learn by doing. What ‘doing’ relationships and intimacy will look like is up to you. The only other thing I would say is that experiences like the ones you’ve had teach you a lot about what NOT to do — what red flags to avoid, what behaviors to walk away from. They don’t necessarily teach you what you DO want. As you start dipping your toes back in, make sure that you’re thinking about what your goals and dreams are out of a relationship, what your priorities and wants are — you can spend a lot of your life avoiding getting hurt but still not thinking much about actual, you know, happiness.

Maybe it’s because we’re coming up on the one year anniversary of the election. Maybe I’ve finally made it through the first four stages of grief – but got stuck on depression. Maybe it’s the headlines and stories w wearing me down. I don’t know. I need some advice on how to deal. I’m not sure how to deal with the looming future of more 45. Ten months is too much already. It’s been worse than I thought and I thought it was going to be fucking horrible. Any ideas on how to cope?
Riese: I don’t know, man. I feel this way too. Sometimes I remind myself that waking up every day and feeling like the entire world is against me is how it’s always felt to wake up every day for a lot of people with less institutional privilege than me, and that there is still joy to be found in the cracks. But I also don’t know what your identities are so! I’m going to come back to this. I spend a lot of time watching intense television shows that enable me to forget our current reality and also reading history books for the same reason. I’m sure my fellow editors have all kinds of great advice ’cause we’re all doing GREAT.

Heather: This is the question. I think about it every single day and according to my therapist so do about a billion more people ’cause, yep: “It’s been worse than I thought and I thought it was going to be fucking horrible.” I’ll tell you what I’ve done and I know it’s not for everyone. I have basically quit Twitter and Facebook altogether. I go on maybe twice a day now and even then I only look at a curated list. I do not look at the internet before 10am or after 8pm unless I’m just hopping on to do a specific work thing or tweet a funny joke. I’ve been using the Headspace meditation app for many months and I love it how it’s helped me transform my relationship with my mind. I’ve been riding my bike as absolutely much as I can, because I have always loved riding a bike since I was a kid and endorphins are very very good. And I’ve also cut way down on booze. I love beer and whiskey. I love exploring different breweries and distilleries and styles. I love tasting flights and talking about beer and whiskey and just the whole feminist culture rising up out of it. But because my brain feels so exhausted and battered and sluggish due to Trump I’m making sure I’m not contributing to it by being dehydrated and making my liver work overtime. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not ignoring the news or the reality of this horrifying and perpetual madness but I’m choosing when and how to engage with it instead of standing in the ocean of social media and letting the tidal waves pummel me all day long like I don’t have a choice.

I need some advice – I’ve been on a few first dates (including ones where it’s unclear whether it’s actually a date or not) with girls who I think are really cool but wayyy to similar to me to be a good relationship fit. However, I’ve really wanted to become friends with them. How do I ask them to hang out again, without misleading them into thinking it’s a second date, especially in those unclear date situations?
Heather: Just tell them! One of the things people ask us most often is, “How do I, a queer adult, make friends?” This is one way that doesn’t even involve dating, breaking up, dating their ex, breaking up with their ex, and then becoming best friends with them.

I came out to my parents as gay, but they’re skeptical because I’ve only dated men (and very few men at that). How do I convince them that I’m really gay without rushing my dating life? I don’t want to get a girlfriend just to prove a point.
Laneia: You don’t have to prove anything to them. Don’t worry about convincing anyone that you’re anything. Just live your life, be that thing, and have a great time. Be kind and make good choices!

Help! I want to get a kitten, but I work 9-10 hours a day, so the people at the shelter recommended I get 2. I’ve never had a pet before though, and getting 2 cats feels like a big risk to take. I also don’t know anything about how much to feed them, how to tell if they are happy, and can’t find that much helpful stuff online… is it dumb to just jump in and get 2 little tiny pets or am i stressing too much?
Laneia: Two cats right out of the gate seems a little risky but what is life if not a series of risks and scratched up sofas? Ummmmm if you do go with two, make sure that the space you leave them in when you go to work is 100% theirs, because they’re gonna play and play like it’s their job. You’ll probably want to do that anyway, even with just one cat, so yeah maybe two is fine? Just keep in mind that two cats cost twice as much as one cat, including vet visits and food and toys and tiny hats, ok?  

Hey AS! My employer has recently started an LGBT employee group and they’re looking for a leader. I’m thinking about volunteering, but have no idea what I’d do. The other groups (veterans, latinxs, women , etc) have events. Any suggestions for event ideas or other things I should do?? The office is semi conservative but getting more progressive (we’re in a suburb of Minneapolis). thanks for all you do!!
Yvonne: Ok, what if you have a potluck but with a theme? Like dessert-only potluck, or nacho potluck or taco potluck! Or what if you go to brunch together? Or maybe you do a Milkshake Friday or Bagel Wednesday? I think you should start off with a low commitment event the first time and get to know each other and then build off that.

I have a QUESTION! I’m in my mid 20s and my gynecologist won’t give me a pap smear bc I’m “low risk” and “it will be painful” and says things like “in a year, if you’ve started having penetrative sex, we’ll reconsider” and is this normal, what is normal here; all I want is proper medical care
Rachel: Wow great question! The answer is that unfortunately it is “normal” in that I feel like this happens not infrequently; it is not “normal” in the sense that it is medically appropriate. Here is an article we wrote about it! Honestly maybe email it to your gyno? Which should extremely not be your job but here we are, this is the world we live in.

I have a potential situation that I had never really considered before. I’ve been trying online dating (again) lately, and after a dates with a few different women that went nowhere, I recently met a woman that I really hit it off with. The situation is that we are both in our 40s, but she has only recently come out as bisexual and has never had sex with a woman, whereas I have been out and active since I was in my early 20s. I’m hoping our relationship will progress to a more intimate one, but I just never really thought that at this stage in my life, being a woman’s first time (with a woman) would be a possibility. I’ve seen plenty of advice on when it is your first time, but I don’t recall seeing anything on being someone else’s first time. Maybe it’s silly, but I feel kind of anxious that I might do something wrong and make her rethink this whole thing. Any advice on what I can do to try and make this a good experience if/when we get to that point?
Rachel: This is such a cute question, it sounds like you care a lot about her and her having a good experience! I think in a lot of ways the advice for you is the same for someone else’s first time: ultimately it’s still just about being present with the other person and having fun and listening closely to what both of you want. One advantage you have over people who are doing their first times in their 20s is that even if she hasn’t been with a woman before she’s been with other PEOPLE, so she’s likely working from some baseline of what she likes in general. You can work with that, and talk about both of your experiences and likes and dislikes! Have fun out there!

All of my serious relationships have ended with the other person dumping me, pulling the “it’s not you it’s me/timing” card and 4/5 of them have told me that they really want me as a friend in their life (which usually happens after a long process). I think some of it has to do with the fact that I’ve dated women who don’t have close friends and/or just came out (sometimes because I was the one who made them realize they were gay/bi), but I also feel like maybe I’m not the kind of person that people want to be in a long term relationship with. Or is there something about being in your mid-late twenties that makes you feel like the timing is bad? What gives?
Riese: I do think the mid-late twenties are a time when people are doing a lot of evaluating or re-evaluating of their life choices and paths. If you’re somebody’s first girlfriend and y’all are in your mid-twenties… yes. That is definitely a combination of circumstances that would make the relationship less likely to last for “it’s not you, it’s me” reasons. I think there’s this cultural norm that you’re supposed to date lots of people or at least more than one person in order to “really know” that you’re with the right person. There’s also sometimes pressure for people just coming out to make out with more than one girl before marrying. (I’m saying all of this assuming your relationships are monogamous, if I’m wrong, let me know! ’Cause that’s a whole different ball game.) I’m not sure if those norms are necessarily good or bad, they’re just… they exist. i know it sounds really gay and also intense to be upfront about your long term desires early on, but it might be worth trying — if you’re with someone again for whom you’re their first girlfriend and they’re in their mid-twenties, be like, just FYI, i don’t know if we are gonna be the right forever people for each other, but i want you to know that that is what i’m looking for so if that’s not on the table for you at all, maybe we should both go eat in different restaurants. Does that make sense? I had a partner who asked me about that a month into us dating — I was 18, he was 27, and he was looking for marriage. There was no way that we would’ve been good marriage material for each other — but he was clear that if I wasn’t looking for that right now at all, there was really no point in proceeding. Which made sense! And so we broke up… well it’s a longer story than that but I’m guessing you don’t need to know it so okay, my friend, good luck out there!

I’ve started getting really bad PMS that makes me feel really really low and unmotivated and lacking in energy in the few days before my period. Any ideas of coping mechanisms?
Rachel: This isn’t a coping mechanism but I would recommend seeing a doctor about it if that’s a realistic option for you! Otherwise I might see if exercising or getting some physical activity is an option — I know it probably sounds awful because you are, as you say, unmotivated and lacking in energy but it helps for a lot of people!

---

MISC

Seeing Dorothy Snarker sitting on the sidelines collecting dust is a travesty. You have a first round Hall of Famer in your roster. Give her the ball and get out of her way!
Riese: We can’t afford the rates that Dorothy Snarker has for writing recaps for how much traffic/conversation the recaps attract. But we have and will continue to buy stand-alone pieces from her whenever she sends them to us!

Riese, a potentially interesting long read for you re: effect of smartphones on teens. 
Riese: I DID read that and I put it in a TIRTL a while ago!

What if Heather Hogan shared with us where she buys her jeans? I think her style on that point might be similar to mine and I need help. Also, where did Laneia get the leggings she is wearing in the picture at the end of The Autostraddle Insider: Issue 38, August 2017?
Heather: Reader, I am honored by this question! No one has ever asked me where I bought any article of clothing in my life! The answer is: The Gap. I’ve always bought my jeans at The Gap because of in Save The Last Dance when Julia Stiles says, “It’s from The Gap.” And Kerry Washington says, “It’s country and you look country in it.” It just felt right to imagine Kerry Washington saying such a thing to me and also they have jeans that are long enough for my tall body without being super skinny because I’m not.

Laneia: They’re from H&M basics!

FYI there is a horrible new movie on Netflix that is Bring It On but not the old awesome ones and instead very bad and very homophobic!!
Heather: WHAT. That’s an abomination!

A webcomic to try:  it’s a weekly autobiographical strip from a cartoonist transitioning from male to female, supported by their (female) SO. Often profound, often hilarious.
Heather: Thanks for the recommendation.

Petition to bring back poly pocket
Laneia: Wow y’all are not fucking around. (HAHAHAH GET IT)

The thing is, the absence of the “like” feature on comments is sort of freeing, emotionally
Heather: Out beyond ideas of likable and unlikable comments there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.

Riese: It’s only like that when you’re not logged in so let’s lie on the grass with our toes in the sky.

Have you heard about the Lizbians? 
Rachel: Wow well I sure have now

Potential tip for Vapid Fluff feature: Jasmin Savoy Brown is queer! She’s got a great Instagram. I first saw her acting in seasons 2 and 3 of The Leftovers. She doesn’t play a visibly queer character there, but she’s visible on Instagram @jasminsavoy
Laneia: Thank you, friend!

I super love Queer IRL and loved submitting for pets. The pets template did not include occupation, and I really appreciated that. Could you please consider replacing ‘occupation’ with ‘what you do’ or something like that? For so many people occupation is less interesting than things we do but not for pay, like baking or organizing ppl or drawing cartoons.
Laneia: This is very valid and interesting and I’ll employ it in the next call! Which hopefully has gone up before you read this!! (Update: I opted to remove the situation altogether because I don’t think it applies to this theme, but I’ll definitely switch from occupation to “what do you do” in the future!)

Hey just a heads-up that the article about Ally Steinfeld incorrectly lists her as the 21st trans person murdered this year — she’s the 22nd. Other sites were reporting this number incorrectly because they excluded Scout Schultz for some reason, but on this page Ally is the 22nd person added.
Rachel: Thanks for letting us know!

i’m not the only one who ships mallory ortberg / mara wilson / sensing that they are TRYING TO MAKE A GAL PAL SHIP HAPPEN RIGHT?!

Mara let’s go next time I’m in town I will straight up drive us to Buena Park

— Daniel M. Lavery (@daniel_m_lavery) October 4, 2017

Heather: I actually ship Mallory with Emily Dickinson’s ghost, sorry.

Laneia: I ship Mallory and Joan Didion.

Riese: I ship Mallory and Ashley Feinberg, who probably isn’t gay.

Not sure what the official ‘gay agenda’ is on this (jk) but I think censuses should ask gender and sex as separate questions with three boxes for each (male/female/non binary and male/female/intersex). That way we know who might need gynaecology and pregnancy services whilst also being able to serve things where gender is more important like preventing sexism in the workplace and (yes) providing public toilets. And it shows how many trans people are in the country who might need things to do with trans health for eg (if they tick ‘male’ on sex and ‘female’ on gender for eg). I don’t generally like insisting on knowing someone’s sex (I’m gender flux myself) but it matters in health provision and it’s anonymous, statistical information in a census.
Rachel: I was just talking about this with someone, how it’s very telling what information is asked on censuses about that society and its time — my mom was looking through old census data to find stuff about our family and they used to ask who in the house could read and write, etc. I agree this would be interesting! Although I also always worry about having more data about our communities available to the state, especially tied to our individual names, because like there’s a fine line (is there a line?) between research/data and surveillance. It’s complicated and interesting!

Honestly was really really hoping you would have a post for indigenous peoples day. I know how hard you all work to cover so so many different topics, but it seems like queer indigeneity only gets acknowledged when someone has reached out and pitched something to you. But without any other acknowledgements of indigeneity or settler colonialism how is AS going to seem like the kind of space that values such pitches, I worry that this could be preventing other people from sharing.
Riese: Yup you’re right that was a total epic fail. We usually do have a post for Indigenous People’s Day, and have done so in previous years. This year we… failed.

I feel like I haven’t read anything from Carrie in a while. I hope she’s well – I miss her writing! <3<3
Heather: We miss Carrie’s writing too and are eager to publish more from her. She is well, actually, and just very busy with doing some Ravenclaw-style world takeover plans. You’ll see more from her soon!

In the Mocktail article, those of us who don’t drink are mentioned almost as an afterthought. Autostraddle and A-Camp consistently make me feel like such an outsider because I just don’t drink. I can drink, I have drank alcohol, I don’t have a problem with addiction, but I just don’t like it. I think it’d be worth noting for everyone who writes here to remember that LGBT people experience higher rates of substance abuse issues and that our alcohol-soaked US culture is not healthy most of the time. I am still happy to be here, but wanted to call attention to how othering this often is in these particular spaces.
Riese: Yeah I noticed that too, and you’re right! My current girlfriend doesn’t drink which has made me super-hyper-aware of that element of our website and camp in a way that I think is starting to change things somewhat and will eventually change things in a more systemic way. Also I mean we used to be like, way worse about this than we are now. Probably because I used to drink a lot more than I do now! So anyhow, now that I am often in spaces with aforementioned girlfriend and her sober friends I’m especially conscious of like the importance of not over-glorifying drinking and also how pushy people are about making other people drink in a way that does not provide a lot of space for people to say no.

hi lovely chickadees, whatever happened to transhousingnetwork? Is there an alternative way to tap into this network of trans homeless people looking for a place to stay?
Rachel: I wish I knew!

Just wanna thank Alaina for the All I Want for Christmas is You playlist they made on Spotify last year because I am NOT a Halloween Person and today I remembered this playlist exists – I think it’s really gonna help me get through October. <3
Alaina: Reader, you are welcome. Mariah Carey blessed us with the song that never stops giving. I’m glad hearing her and those inspired by her could offer you solace and cheer during this time that’s typically centered around spookiness. Also, have you heard this version?

Hi guys! I would love to send you some fan-art/gift cards as a thank you for all you do. Is there a way to do this? A PO box? Let me know! LOVE Y’ALL
Yvonne: I don’t think we have one :(

Laneia: Ughghghgh I wish we had a P.O. box so muchhhhh!

I’m currently crying about the inevitable Sanvers break up. I need there to be something good and pure in this world. Help.
Rachel: What if we all watched that one panda video together

I know that some Readers are former Olympians but do you think any Straddler has ever summited Everest?
Laneia: Riese can you include this on the next reader survey?

Riese: I will absolutely yes

Gaby Dunn’s voice reminds me of something/someone very specific that I cannot quite name and it is driving me crazy. the closest I can come is that it’s a hannah hart/natasha lyonne mashup but there’s something ~else happening there dammit
Yvonne: One time I said Gaby Dunn’s voice reminds me of Alice’s (Leisha Hailey) so maybe it’s that??

Obviously it’s impossible to be racist against white people. But is it possible for white people to be racist against other kinds of white people, for eg western European natives against eastern European immigrants? In western Europe, there is a lot of prejudice there.
Laneia: Without knowing anything about anything you’re specifically referencing, I wonder if what you’re seeing is classism?

Riese: Someone can be prejudiced towards a certain group without that prejudice being classified as racism.

Rachel: I think this might be more accurately described as xenophobia!

Whar radio stations do the staff listen to? Is there any chance of Radio Autostraddle someday?
Yvonne: Hmm radio stations? I listen to K104 in Dallas all the time. Haha.

Rachel: I have Spotify radio stations based on Carly Rae Jepsen, Fiona Apple’s “Left Alone,” Bonnie McKee’s “American Girl,” and Liz Phair’s “What Makes You Happy.”

UM UMM UMMMMM THIS AD ATTACKED ME ON FACEBOOK: 
Yvonne: GOD ARE THEY TRYING TO KILL US ALL??

I thought you might want a heads up about Anna Paquin’s character in her episode of Electric Dreams having a wife for when it hits Amazon next year.
Laneia: I did want that heads up, you were right about me.

I don’t know if you guys already know this, but Jasmin Savoy Brown, who’s going to be one of the leads in For the People has a girlfriend and she has the cutest Instagram.
Laneia: Y’all are on this beat!

omg, stickermule is having a sale on cat stickers this week (like photos of your own cat) which I think is probably super important to so many of us (particularly Alaina).
Alaina: Ahh! Wow, thanks!

Yvonne: I totally want stickers of my dog now.

hi friends i’m very tired from politics are you very tired from politics? i thought we might need a consensual internet group hug. if that’s your thing, get in here!
Rachel: Same and thank you

Look, I have twitter, but I follow like 8 total people and they all either write for this very website or are people I met at A Camp. Anyway I don’t really use it & @replying to a 3 day old tweet seems weird. BUT, LANEIA. I also went thru a p big Bernadette Peters phase. Not in 1992, bc I was an infant. But definitely, like, ’94-’96. Anyway, feeling seen.
Laneia: I need a minute to process how it feels to not be alone in my all-out love for Bernadette Peters. Friend, you have given me a gift! I was obsessed with her in Annie and she has the best hair (also I’m just now realizing that Rachel has extremely similar hair…) and I was just looking at her IMDB the other night and did you know she was the voice of Rita in the Animaniacs??! What if we start a Bernadette Peters fanzine.

Happy birthday to the most amazing Dorothy Snarker!
Rachel: Long may she reign!

wanted to submit a dead queer woman character – Mr. Kaplan died on the s4 finale of ‘the blacklist’. made references throughout the show to her queerness. cause of death: throws herself off a bridge. RIP
Rachel: Noted and ?

This is not relevant to anything whatsoever but I’m always extremely amused when a queer female character comes out on a tv show and someone inevitably responds “does this mean your going to *enter xyz lesbian stereotype here*?”. Because I know a lot of queer women who have come out and every single one of them tried dressing gayer or cutting their hair short or joining a roller derby team for at least a while immediately after coming out.
Rachel: As we should! It’s what we deserve!

Have I mentioned how utterly delighted I am to see Danica Roem not only win, but positively *trounce* the hateful Bob Marshall? Ah, Chateau Scheudenfrade 2017 – a *fine* vintage indeed.
Rachel: EXTREMELY DELIGHTED

Germany’s Supreme Court just ruled, that a third gender marker for intersex people on birth certificates and other official documents must be enacted! In their sentence they also state, that there is no constitutional ground for the gender binary and that the German Legislators may choose to get rid of gender markers on official documents entirely.
Rachel: YES

looked through many Queer IRL galleries today and I love them! please keep it up it’s so lovely to see so many gays living so many different lives
Rachel: Isn’t it??? Honestly every day Laneia publishes a new one feels like Christmas

Are Ellen Page and Emma Portner secretly married? They appear to be wearing matching rings in the most recent dance video that Ellen Page was in. Also, Emma Portner is clearly still wearing the same ring in the instagram posted this morning, though we can’t see Ellen’s hands in any of them.
Rachel: This is such an intense level of awareness and I am INTO IT

---

Really Nice Things You Told Us

I sent the advice q about sending a new friend a facebook DM and them not responding.. Anyway, they never check it but we hung out again at another thing and now I have her number so we can totally be pals, hooray!
Heather: Yesss! I was rooting for you!

Thank you for the latest straddler insider, that straight person tracklist is gold. Also please tell Erin I giggled a lot at her What Straight People Are Up To article!
Rachel: Me TOO

Reading TIRTIL always makes me feel so damn smart and well informed.
Laneia: I like to save up TIRTILs for airplane rides and long weekends. They are a gift.

Thank you for all of these bi week posts it makes my little bisexual heart so happy and full <333
Rachel: Oh good! God bless you and your little bisexual heart

BI+WEEK. IS. EVERYTHING. I love you, Autostraddle. And it’s easier for me to love myself when platforms and writers I respect tell me I’m worthy of love and I’m not alone.
Rachel: Correct! You’re worthy of love! You’re not alone!

Thank you for all the awesome bi content for the bi visibility week, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
Rachel: Thank YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIESE WE LOVE YOU!!
Riese: THANK YOU

Hey team, just wanted to say I love the podcasts and have started listening to them at work. The TV one had me giggling, especially about Gracie belle from Friday night lights. Thank you thank you xxx
Heather: Gracie Belle is evil but not as evil as Coach Taylor in Carol.

Look at this cat ~. ^._.^= ∫ –
Rachel: LOVE THIS CAT

Laneia: I have named this cat Mable.

Just a reminder again that you sustain thousands of lives every day! Thank you thank you thank you for all the hours of hard work you put into this amazing community we all depend on. xo forever.
Heather: This is a lovely thing to say! Thank you for taking the time out of your day to lift us up!

Hey Heather H, Wishing the kindest person I know a speedy recovery from surgery! Hope you do well. Sending all our best wishes your way
Heather: Thank you so much, friend! My surgery went really well and my recovery is moving right along schedule. I’m back at work today and feeling so grateful for my Autostraddle family.

Laneia, thank you so very much for your response to me in the most recent Answers to Some Things – I’m the one who wrote in about my close friend who died suddenly in the Spring. About a month after I wrote that, my stepfather died and I wasn’t able to travel across the country quickly enough to say goodbye him. When I read your response, it meant that much more to me following the loss of another person I loved, and I am deeply thankful for the gentle kindness of your words. <3
Laneia: I’m grateful for the opportunity to help in any way, so thank you for reaching out, and thank you for this message! I’m so sorry about your stepfather. ❤️

I just heard a programme called ‘Death Eaters’ about mods who get rid of all of the things we don’t want to see online and the lack of thanks they receive. So with that in mind, thanks everyone who gets rid of the disturbing stuff on AS and makes sure we don’t have to be infected by it :)
Rachel: Alaina does a lot of this! They’re a treasure and an angel! Let’s all appreciate Alaina and their work today!

Happy to see all this good content on 10/9/17 after coming back from a week of vacay! Love you queermos <3
Heather: Love you too!

You guys, I love Carmen Phillips so much.
Yvonne: SAME

Rachel: ALSO SAME

Riese: ALSO SAME!!!!

Heather:  ALSO SAME!!!!

Laneia: ALSO SAME!!!!

Love you, Heather. I hope you, Stacy, and the Autostraddle crew are all doing okay and taking care of each other.
Heather: Friend, thank you so much. My surgery went really well and I am recovering ahead of schedule. Stacy and I were blown away by the outpouring of support from our community and we hope we can fold so much of that love back into your life.

I just saw a few people saying some bullshit about you guys on Twitter and I almost started crying it made me so upset. I wish people would do their research before making public statements – especially saying ridiculous things like you don’t accept lesbian as an identity or are bi-phobic?????? You’ve mentioned about dealing with internet trolls and other bullshit before, but seeing it with my own eyes made me want to scream. Autostraddle is run by some of the hardest working, loving, conscientious, intelligent, funny, and wise people out there. This site has become my home and my sanctuary. It’s helped make me the person I am today. I’m so sorry you all have to deal with this. I love you and all that you do and am so very very grateful to have you all and this place in my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Laneia: Thank you for this!! Sometimes I want to take screenshots and tweet them like, “get a load of this shit” but I stop myself because I don’t want to perpetuate negativity, but also y’all! Sometimes it’s just too much! And on those days, I try to close that tweetdeck tab and remind myself of people like you — smart, aware, generous, curious, kind people who give a fuck and are here to make the world actually better!

Riese: THANK YOU SO MUCH! Tweetdeck has been a terrible nightmare this year, even worse than usual — even worse than the old days when we legitimately messed up and failed way more often than we do now. It’s really made me as a writer way more hesitant to criticize anyone or anything until I’ve done my own research because people will literally say ANYTHING without anything to back it up and everybody just… believes them.

take a break, get up and walk around for a little bit. Drink some water and maybe do some stretches for your back…
Yvonne: Yo, I needed that.

Have I told you lately that I love you an I’m proud of you? Because I am and it’s true. You’re so important to me, autostraddle. Never leave
Riese: THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I just wanna raise a glass to Cee and whoever else works on Autostraddle’s tech priorities and timeline. Yall do a lot of magic and making votes only visible to people logged in is GENIUS. Saying this as someone who does software dev with lowbudget orgs!
Rachel: CORRECT Cee is a gem! I will pass this along!

It’s Great to be Gay Day, today, is the first day I felt some joy and positivity in a few weeks. Thank you <3 Thank you for bringing so much light and joy to my life today. The work y’all do is so powerful!
Riese: Well this is fantastic news because this is what we wanted to do and we did it. Thank you!

Casey’s book recs have changed my life for the so much better. I’m reading The Gilda Stories right now and it is soooooooo gooooooooooooooooooooood. Curating my media using Casey’s lists is also part of my general mental health plan so THANK YOU.
Rachel: I agree! I’m so consistently impressed and grateful with Casey’s depth of knowledge and recommendations!

hey autostraddle–pure love letter here, not a question–I just wanted to express my deep, deep gratitude to y’all here. this vaginismus piece filled in this gap in my life and I can’t thank you enough for it. tbh, y’all do the stuff of true family (been realizing a lot lately how much this community, both online, at camp, and in person at meet-ups, has helped me grow into a human I am proud of). with biological family who are unable to be there (and quite frankly, chosen family can be unstable as well) I cannot thank you enough for collecting your hearts and souls and thoughts and words and weaving a world for so many to grow up. y’all helped me through heartbreak, introduced the healing elements of witch culture into my life, tapped into the wide world of polyamory that has transformed my beautiful friend’s existence, passed down tips to take care, informed my spirit and engaged me politically and inspired conversations that has helped me and my loved ones grow. I am so deeply grateful for your work–it has helped shape me into a human I am proud to (continuously) grow into. <3 <3 <3
Rachel: This is so kind and it makes my heart feel so full to read it! Nothing will ever describe the feeling of hearing from people that we have been anything approaching family to them, or how grateful I am to hear it. pure love to you bb