by riese & crystal

[thanks to skinsftw for many of these graphics]

Episode 408: In which Riese & Crystal wished we’d just stuck to recapping the Naomi & Emily parts, b/c then this episode would’ve been a hands-down winner!

If you haven’t seen the episode, you might want to skip this opening bit and come back to it after reading the recap. SPOILER ALERT! I just want to get this out before the recap because I really like almost everything about this show, enjoyed a great deal of this episode & adore its loyalty to homos.  But first must scream.

Skins, Episode 407/408: Let’s get this out of the way straight off — what an oddly unsatisfying, amateurish & irresponsible ending! Like 2009’s L Word finale and the “Who Killed Jenny” plotline that dominated their final season, Skins ended on a haphazard bang, wasting its last minutes on a purposeless undiscovered-murder plot. Furthermore, said murder didn’t do anything to serve the rest of the story either; with the majority of the gang not even aware that Freddie’s dead, we didn’t even get flashbacks or a “brought together by common tragedy to realize what’s truly important, like rainbows and love and education” moment.

This is particularly disappointing because we’ve always trusted Skins. Why? ‘Cause Skins has always dared to portray a misunderstood demographic (teenagers) (just as TLW did for lesbians) as teenagers truly are, not as moralistic teen-soap-writers want them to be.  This means Skins can be harsh about adults whereas other shows prefer adults to be well-meaning role models (excessively at times); Skins’ parents & leaders never have the answers. They’re obscenely clumsy, solipistic, hypocritical, one-dimensional and morally ambiguous. That’s rare in a show and these unsparing portraits quickly earned the trust of its young viewers –– Skins understands that parents & teachers just don’t understand sometimes.

Yes, Skins has created one of television’s most authentic adolescent worlds. Its characters can get so ugly while remaining honest and redemptive. The consequences of reckless living are relate-able; because unlike traditional Badass Kids Clichès and their corresponding Very Special Episodes from Dawson’s Creek or 90210, every fuck didn’t lead to pregnancy and every joint didn’t lead to heroin addiction. Naomi & Emily’s lesbian relationship completely eschewed traditional Lesbian Relationship Clichès. That’s never been done before. More like an indie film than a TV drama, we relate to Skins’s portrayal of the more typical repurcusions of teenage drugging, drinking, sexing, class-skipping and fist-fighting — the parts where we fall in love, make new friends, lose friends, fight, cry, and face terrifying moments of self-reckoning.

Did Freddie’s murder betray those established no-life-threatening-consequences rules of Skins-ville? No, it didn’t. But what the authors neglected to consider is that we appreciate Skins‘ matter-of-fact depiction of adolescence because it is true, not just because it’s different, fun, titilating or enables us to rationalize our own bad behavior. It is different, titilating and edgy, but ultimately it’s the honesty that hooks us; it’s the honesty that makes the difference work. Freddie’s murder wasn’t honest and so it feels like a lie from a friend we always trusted.

There were plenty of ways for Skins kids to die: first-fights, drug overdoses, a giant rock to the head. And perhaps because Skins specifically wanted to avoid a Message show but apparently really wanted to kill someone, they invented John T. Foster. But really Skins? Of all the drug-pushers on this show, it’s the two-episode licensed psychiatrist who turns out motivated by evil?

Not only did Skins‘ final episodes, like The L Word‘s, deny us a plethora of unexplored but juicy stories not yet told, but both dealt with mental illness in a surprisingly reckless fashion. In The L Word, Jenny Schecter, a bipolar rape victim who’d delt with coming out, being estranged from her family and self-mutilation, loses nuance in favor of a one-dimensional murder-ready cliche and suddenly all of her friends become potential killers? [More on that here] Effy, also bipolar, self-medicates with drugs and alcohol, completely loses her mind, and is finally seeking professional help for her illness. Mixing MDMA, cocaine, weed, alcohol and mushrooms doesn’t kill anyone (which is fine), but taking prescribed medication while on a path to permanent wellness leads to the death of your true love (which is not)?

What an irresponsible message to send, ultimately, about a very serious issue, and one lots of druggie kids can relate to as self-medicating is so prevalent among mentally ill undiagnosed teenagers. And fine, fine, fine, Skins doesn’t have to be responsible. But we know that it can be — it usually is!

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So why do this? What was the point? How irresponsible of the writers, much like Ilene, to make mental illness the impetus for murder and so unnecessarily so. How disappointing. By seeking treatment and health, Effy caused the death of her boyfriend, and Jenny’s “craziness” eventually became a punchline.

That being said, this might be the first time in human history that at the story’s end, everyone’s life is shit except for the lesbians’ and the black guy’s.



Maniac Magee

The final episode starts off uplifting: the sun’s shining, birds are singing and Thomas is feeling the leaves of the trees and feeling grateful that unlike some of his peers, he’s alive.

Then he starts running! Like the wind! Probs to escape his troubles with endorphins, or perhaps to run off the set of this show like we’d do. I didn’t think kids in Bristol ran unless it was after someone who’d stolen their MDMA or because their girlfriend cheated on them with Cook and everyone was hallucinating in the forest.


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Hello Irrelevant New Finale Character #1! My, you’re Flexible!

Like Thomas, Cook’s found a way to get fit and get rid of his emotional pain.

Meanwhile…


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Don’t Get In Over Your Head

Emily is woken up by Cook’s screwing and OMG IS THAT MANDY? There’s liquor bottles everywhere and it would be easier for us to all blame the booze but let’s face it, Emily all but admitted she wanted to jump Mandy’s bones. Where are they? Is that Naomi’s place?

Smells Like Teen Spirit

She smells her fingers to see what she did last night, which is the second-best moment of this episode. Although with the level of unlucky circumstances swirling about this episode, I wouldn’t be surprised here if she was sniffing bacterial vaginosis.


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Eye of the Tiger

Thomas is jogging his broken heart out and ends up at the athletics track. Seeing as nightclub promoting and academia didn’t exactly work for Tom-Tom, he’s gonna win Pandora back like Forrest Gump meets Let’s Get Fitched. His speed catches the attention of a coach who’s trying to train a white man who can’t jump or run.


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ANTHRAX

Freddie’s sister Karen receives a postcard in the mail but she’s skeptical, his rucksack is in the corner of the room empty and we all know he’d never leave home without his hair straightener and overnight lip conditioner.  Is that even Freddie’s handwriting? She puts on Freddie’s favourite tshirt which is a shame and starts talking to Ghost Freddie.


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Girl’s Relationship, Rudely Interrupted

Katie’s spent the night at the psych ward, Effy’s room’s massive by anyone’s standard so it’s probs better than the caravan park. I really do enjoy Katie’s post-bankruptcy personality, showing such support and concern for a girl who once tried to kill her and is now dating her dead ex-boyfriend really does encapsulate the true meaning of ‘bigger person’. Effy’s waiting for someone who will likely never show.

Katie: Anything?
Effy: Only in my head. Talking in my head.
Katie: What’s old Freds saying?
Effy: He’s saying they’re all fucking mad.

I wish I had a dead guy in my head and every time someone pissed me off I’d be like “Hey, old Freds says you need to stop stealing my tampons.”


This is What Would Happen if Gay Marriage Was Legalized, People Would Marry Bouncy Balls

Pandora, who we know is attracted to balls and things that bounce, has joined the group for undetermined reasons. She’s just as barmy as the other mad people really, but not in that certified way.

Panda breaks from the group and bounds through Effy’s window like an enthusiastic little pup. Remember these good times ’cause they’ll need to get you through the next 30 minutes.


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I can’t untangle, I can’t untangle
What I feel and what would matter most

Yup, it is Naomi’s place! Naomi bounds into the bedroom with eggs and Red Bull (home-cooked breakfast of champions) and suddenly sees that she should’ve prepared for three.

She doesn’t notice Mandy at first which makes my stomach hurt, but then a fearful Emily nods Mandy’s way.

Naomi: Has she been like that all night?
Emily: Wot?
Naomi: You were both so fucking trashed, so I slept on the couch with Panda. [about Mandy] She’s quite cute… for a straight girl.

Whoa Naomi is doing normal gay-talk thing! They haven’t done much gayspeak on this show; which has worked to make it seem just like any relationship, but it’s cute to hear it.

Built a Wall of Human Being Between Us in Your Bed

Since it’s Naomi’s bed and Naomi’s rules, she has the right to check out the naked girl sleeping in it. Naomi in this episode really amps up the personality; even in her depression we see more of her edge and bitter sense of humor than we have previously this season.

Naomi: Wow, in the scud? When did that happen?
Emily: I didn’t notice.
Naomi: Good thing, you might have been tempted.
Emily: I was wrecked.
Naomi: Yeah, you were both pissing gone. Like I said, cute. Is this bad?

Okay Skins, Crystal has two things:
1. Really?
2. Isn’t it too soon to be joking about temptation? Or having a total perv at your girlfriend’s friend’s naked body and then joking about that too?

Naomi changes the subject back to eggs and jokes about doing Emily and really every second of this scene is like a fork getting slowly poked into my eyeball.


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IF You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out

Back at the hospital, Pandora is about to sing Effy a song she wrote for her and unfortunately it is not “Where Did the Good (Freds) Go.” Effy pulls out the maracas from the imaginary musical instrument bank they keep in hospital rooms (??) and some sort of electronic music device that’s probably all the rage with the kids but sounds worse than a Casio. Pandora gets off to a rough start, shouting “fuck me up the ass three ways” and other vulgarities until Katie reprimands her.

The song, “Don’t Be Down,” needs to be seen (you can read the lyrics here).

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As this scene played out, we all checked to see if we were on MDMA or if this is really happening. Pretty sure it’s what the people call, “terrible/awesome.”


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REDRUM

John T. Foster watches from the sidelines, looking like a psycho killer. Hahaha that’s perfect ’cause he totally IS a psycho killer! HAHAHAHA! Psycho killers. Oh boy. Har.


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Thank You For Spending One Minute Of These Precious Remaining Minutes of Skins Cycle 2 on Farting

Oh hey, let’s pretend like the gross toilet sounds aren’t happening as Naomi gives Cook a hard time about his new lady-friend. Cook tells Naomi it’s a sign he’s moved on from Effy and SPEAK OF THE ANGEL; the door opens and out comes Effy!

Oh wait JK.

The Poor Man’s Effy

Nope, that’s just a girl who looks exactly like Effy minus the mystery, complication, and dead boyfriend. For Effy’s sake, I hope there’s a boy in Bristol who looks just like Freddie. I suppose if Naomi & Emily break up, Katie will be right there in the wings, waiting to be forcibly converted to the lesbian side.

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Effy’s doppleganger’s name is Arcia which is funny ’cause it has the sound “arse” in it when said out loud. Naomi repeats it several times, which is probs the same reaction she had when she got this page of the script, minus the “Really? This is what we’re spending time on?”

We’re only eight minutes in and I think this episode has made me LOL twice so far, which is a 200% improvement on previous eps. I’m not sure if Skins trying to redeem themselves, or if they’re just lulling us into a false sense of security and light-heartedness before the Massacre of the Unicorns.

Arcia sits on Cook’s lap and calls him “lover” and “studman” and “my little criminal” and ew. Just ew. So are they all living at Naomi’s house now? Why isn’t anyone trying to call Freddie?


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I’ll Get You, My Pretty

When John T. Foster finds Effy mourning a photo of Freddie’s pretty face (there’s a lot of photo-love in this show), he gives her a talk about how hard moving on can be, clearly he knows, he’s stuck with those cardigans since the mid-1800s.

John tells Effy he’ll be moving on from the hospital. He was going to leave sooner but that was before he realized that the alleged friends & lovers of the boy he murdered with a baseball bat weren’t going to actually do anything about their missing friend. So he had a little more time than anticipated. John’s gotta get a head start across the border, yannow.

So basically John killed Freddie, and now he’s leaving? Why? Didn’t he kill Freddie to get closer to Effy? That’s so senseless! I HATE YOU SHOW. FUCK YOU SHOW!

Also um… suddenly Effy is warmed to John again?

Does anyone remember how seconds before John killed Freddie, he revealed that Effy and Mrs Stonem banned him from treating Effy? What happened there? Did Freddie send Mrs Stonem a postcard too? Having different writers for different episodes is a great idea but it’s really only effective if they talk to each other.


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I Want a Little More For Me

Emily walks into Naomi’s bedroom wearing nothing but a towel. Emily’s faced with a tough decision, do you go for the girl passed out in your bed or the girl in the kitchen making you eggs.

Oh wait, Mandy’s been awake this whole time. She’s upset because Emily led her to believe that she was no longer sleeping with Naomi. Emily’s in denial.

Emily: Mandy we haven’t done anything, so I don’t know why… we didn’t do anything last night. Didn’t we?
Mandy: You wanted to… if you hadn’t been totally fucking AWOL.
Emily: No.. I didn’t —
Mandy: Yeah? Otherwise, what have we been doing? What have you been doing? She thinks I’m straight!
Emily: What?
Mandy: She said it while she was looking at my tits, didn’t she? It’s a bit fucked up, that. I don’t want to be fucked around Emily, just because she won’t take you to Goa.

Sidenote Her Tits Are At Emily’s Eye Level

Mandy leans in to kiss Emily, and when Emily doesn’t kiss back she protests that she’d take Emily to Goa.

Mandy: “We’d go dancing, sleep in a hut, I’d make love to you on the beach. Isn’t that you want?”

I think she’s confusing “what Emily wants” with “what ladies want in romance novels want.” Basically what’s happening here is that Mandy is Fabio.

Emily is saved by the breakfast bell, the eggs are ready. I have so many questions! When did Naomi decide to go to Goa? And why isn’t she taking Emily? This episode has more holes in it than Freddie’s skull.


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Keep on Fighting to Remember That Nothing is Lost in the End

Thomas has caught Karen loitering outside Naomi’s house. Karen explains that she thought Freddie might be hiding out there, which isn’t totally absurd. Everyone else is.

I Go to Bed Early and He Parties All Night And Sometimes Never Comes Home

Karen tells Thomas that she doesn’t fit in there – meaning with the Skins gang – because they like drugs & sex and she likes all the wrong things. These things include:

You know. Gossip Girl, Davina, Dick Van Dyke, Lady And The Tramp, Hannah Montana, monster trucks, Dancing On Ice, mojitos, Rio Ferdinand, Marsala Zone, Pop Tarts, Jude Law’s accent in Cold Mountain, hair straighteners, Love Actually, Kylie, Whitney, Britney, Robbie, Brucie, L’Oreal, Wild At Heart, milk, comic relief, ponies, Posh, Becks, pecs, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and heavy petting.

Clearly Karen belongs in America, but um, this is totally out of the blue and irrelevant, right? She’s searching for her brother, not for a new group of friends. Anyhoo. It’s a cute & funny moment, but decidedly random, which is item #43 this episode has in common with Episode 608 of The L Word.

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I thought there was a possibility that Skins might bump Karen up into a lead role for the next generation, like they did with Effy, which is the only explanation for all this random character development.


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Thanks For Raiding Chico’s With Me This Morning, I Love the Bracelet

On the way home from Effy’s hospital, Panda confirms that due to Thomas’ philandering ways, her heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces. Katie tells Panda that Thomas has offered to give Katie some French lessons – part of a scheme to make Panda jealous and want him back. Genius.


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Fun Home

At The Fun Home, the gang are sitting in silence and staring awkwardly at the floor. Well all except Naomi, who’s high and persuading everyone to drink cocktails called ‘ballbreakers’. Yes please.

There’s a lot of liquor in her hands but not nearly enough to make the mood here bearable. No-one wants any alcohol. Not surprising, with Arcia, Mandy and Baby Albert in attendance, Naomi’s living room right now is a cautionary tale for teens who act out.

Go Back to Wet Seal and Get Your Commission Little Lady

Naomi calls Arcia “Effy” by mistake. Crystal found this really funny. Cook didn’t, but the incident did cause him to take a good look at the girl and suddenly the penny drops, he realises what he’s done. As he shoos her out of the house, she reminds him that they were going to go and get piercings together. Guess she’ll have to go stick a safety pin through her clitoris all by herself.


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Don’t You Think It’s Weird That Your Friend Was Murdered with a Baseball Bat?

Karen goes to see if Cook’s okay/tell him to stop being such a tit. When they’re outside she shares her concerns about Freddie, including the one where she doesn’t think he ran away.

Cook: Look Karen I’ve asked around, there is no sign of Freds. He’s legged it, that’s all there is.
Karen: You owe him, Cook. When you ran off last year, who came looking for you?
Cook: That’s only because I took his girl with me now isn’t it –

Well, sorta, ’cause she called Cook for him. Anyhow, Karen slaps Cook in the face and calls him a stupid bastard, telling him that he’s better find Freddie.

Karen: No-one loves him like I do, not even that crazy bitch Effy. He’s all I’ve got. God knows he’s all you’ve got.

Karen slams Freddie’s notebook against Cook’s chest and tells him to read it. He says there’s nothing wrong, but she’s so concerned & desperate for help that she says she’ll give him a blow job every day for a year, if that’s all he cares about.

Cook: You’ve got me wrong, Karen.
Karen: Show me.

The Truth Comes Out: Freddie Doesn’t Know Very Many Words

Inside the notebook, Freddie’s filled every page by writing “I love her” over and over again. Maybe he was a budding lyricist, the next Taylor Swift or Whitney Houston.

See Karen’s right, there’s no way that Freddie could have run away because he loves her, and we all know love has never been a factor in anyone running away from anyone, particularly not in this show.

Also? Also. Also.  I Love Her!!

Cook starts crying. He says, “So do I, Fred. So do I.”


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You Know, Partying is The Only Thing You Guys Were Ever Good At, Too

Naomi is having a party of one to 80’s jams while everyone else sits around silently.

Can we talk about why Mandy is still in the house!? Awkward. Is she hoping that Emily will suddenly leap up and tear her clothes off and make wild love to her in front of Naomi?

Bizarre Love Triangle

Naomi can’t understand why everyone is being so goddamn depressed. After all, she had eggs & spliffs for breakfast and she feels like a magical fairy! Naomi wants to dance! Dance Dance Revolution! Hey! Mandy wants to dance too! Mandy is gonna be carefree and touch Naomi inappropriately! Maybe it’ll make Emily jealous! Will Emily get jealous of the wrong person? Or the right person?

Naomi gets so into the music that she begins confessing all her feelings.

Naomi: We have problems, me and Emsy, because I was bad and — that right, Ems? [Emily looks away] See! I’m forgiven! It’s just been heaven these last months. Fucking heaven!

Me, Lesbian. Me Like These. Mmm. Boobs.

Emily is a little upset about her girlfriend confiding in her mistress and so she jets, leaving Naomi and Mandy alone. Mandy runs her hand across Naomi’s rack and starts confiding too –

Mandy: Naomi, if you don’t want her – I do.

Oh in that case I WANT TO SLAP YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE

It takes a few seconds to put the pieces together, but she does and she slaps her. Mandy runs out of the house. Thank G-d, one unlikeable new character to go, one still roaming the halls with a baseball bat.

Hard-Hearted Don’t Worry I’m Ready For a Fight

Maybe Emily was listening on or maybe she wasn’t, but nonetheless she’s in the other room crying.


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I Listen In You Should Know This

In another part of Naomi’s extremely large house, Thomas and Katie’s French lesson is well underway. Thomas is just teaching her naughty words while Pandora sits outside listening in. They don’t know that she knows French.

Like A, like C on your transcript

Pandora pulls out her academic transcript to show the audience that she got straight As in her final exams, and one of them was in French. Skins want us to believe that despite her announcing to the group last week that she got C grades, Pandora is really a secret genius. And none of her friends ever noticed. Just like Freddie’s dead bloody body, we will not speak of Pandora’s Cs.

Like the Movie French Kiss Starring Meg Ryan as The Character Meg Ryan Always Plays

Pandora gets sad and leaves, which is just as well because French led to frenching. Katie almost seems like she realizes that she has feelings for Thomas and she pulls away out of shock, guilt, or maybe even realizing that these things don’t really tend to work out her way?

Thomas: You are beautiful Katie, in so many ways. But I can’t stop loving her.


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Sleeping Inches From Me, I Don’t Let it Pass

It’s a brand new day and this time Emily wakes up beside the right woman, who is already awake and waiting for her.

Emily: I love you.
Naomi: Don’t lie.

Eh, I think Naomi’s being overdramatic/frightened. She gets out of bed, pulls on a t-shirt and tells Emily that her Mom’s returning next week, so maybe it’s time that Emily moves out.


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I Feel Like He Loves Her or Something

Cook’s lying in a bed somewhere reading Freddie’s notepad. He gets to chapter two of this masterpiece, the one where everything gets spelled out for him so that we can move this sub-plot right along. Also we see that the postcard Karen got was just an imitation of Freddie’s handwriting but not a perfect one.

Captain Obvi Strikes Again

Cook stops reading because he thinks that he hears Freddie calling his name from the street below, but then he realizes it’s just EZ Girl and so he sits back and smiles. I think Freddie’s voice is just Skins’ writers not-so-subtle way of saying that while they may have murdered him, his spirit lives on which is just as good. Sorry, we’re still mad.

Cook is talking to Freddie like knows he’s dead.

Cook: Hey Fredster. The way we ended up, all back at Naomi Campbell’s…

I have no idea what the point of that line was!


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The Con

Arcia tipped off the po-po, what an Arcia. Pandora & Naomi hide the weed and run upstairs to warn Cook, who’s in the room with a half-dressed Katie. WHAT. Cook bounds out the back window.

When I saw this scene in the preview, I thought the police were storming John T. Foster’s house, which is why I am officially over this episode and definitely hate it as of right now.

The Chase

Cook scales out the side window, Naomi’s weed in hand and Freddie’s notebook in his pocket.  The cops get in Naomi’s face but I’m not sure she feels anything anymore.


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Cool Runnings

Just like Pandora, Thomas has been hiding a super special talent all year that makes him an exceptional candidate for achievement & success post-college and the trainer sees it.

Trainer: You just ran 400 metres in 48.2 seconds.
Thomas: So?
Trainer: So. That would put you in the junior European Championships, that’s all.

Thomas says that he’s happy just working and running and minding his own business. The trainer argues why do that when boys who run fast can get scholarships to go to really good universities.

Thomas: I can do many things. I don’t have to run for whitey to get what I want.
Trainer: You call me. And fix your head. We’ve got to take our chances, young blood – what else do we have?


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I Just Needed to Fill in the “Freddie” Holes on my Schedule

Cook takes refuge in Freddie’s shed and he’s rummaging around looking at Freddie’s clothes when Effy shows up to unload.

Effy: Did you fuck everything up again?
Cook: Yeah.
Effy: It’s his birthday today.

oh obviously he is just at Chuckie Cheeses!

Cook: Yeah.
Effy: Freds probably got scared. I’m pretty scary. But I can’t not know, if he couldn’t bear it. I can handle it. I think I can handle it.

Oh G-d, I’m so paranoid that Effy is going to give up her meds now and go back to her old ways and start talking to Death and other magical creatures instead. Why should she trust the medical establishment when it did less for her than street drugs ever did?

But she does seem stronger now, or maybe just numb. Can she handle it? Well, we’ll never know.

It Seems Repetitive At First But Gets Better, Promise

Cook passes Effy the notebook and waits nervously while she reads it. Cook tells Effy that he’s going to find Freddie. Go-Go-Gadget Friend-Radar.

You Fought the Law, But the Law’s Dumb

JJ busts in, telling Cook that the po-po are chasing him with dogs. He’s brought along Pandora, who has some news for Effy.

Pandora: I’m going away.
Effy: Really? Fine. Where?
Pandora: Harvard, on a history scholarship. I might have done some exams without telling anyone.

Including the writers of the previous episode.


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I wonder what it is that I did to make you move in in across away from me

When her Mom calls to remind her about the Return, Naomi tells her Mom she accepted a palce at Godsmith’s, a creative college in London, and also a popular name for Jewish people. Naomi has to choke back tears when Mom says she’s proud of her.

Naomi looks around the room and says, “it’s all over.” I feel like we’re in RENT, except sadder, and without the music & dancing. SO FAR.


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Maybe Beyonce Could Just Bail Him Out or Something

I have no idea how Cook’s stayed on the run for so long because everyone seems to know he’s hiding out in the shed, including Karen, who was tipped off by the loud music and smoke.

Karen: What the fuck are you doing?
JJ: Having a party. Freds would like it, don’t you think?
Karen: Yeah, he would.

Kylie’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head” is on the stereo, which is cue for the boys to line up behind Karen and start dancing. I love a good dance scene!

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They’ll always be happy now, even though Freddie can’t get out of their heads. That’s the moral of the story, dancing fixes everything and GLEE’s on next!


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FYI We Approve

Naomi’s skipping the party, she’s too busy lying in the fetal position, naked and hugging a t-shirt. She might be the little spoon.


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Teenagers Kick Our Butts

Thomas, Katie and Emily all arrive at the shed at the same time, they’re disappointed, Effy forgot to tell them to bring a bingo table/strippers/Freddit.

Katie: What the fuck kind of lame-o rave is this? I dressed up!


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This is Everything

They’re playing Ace of Truth but no-one wants to start out with the Truth. Until Naomi walks in from out of the rain. She just cuts straight to the chase right in front of everybody –

Naomi: I loved you from the first time I saw you. I think I was 12. It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you. And I was so scared of the way I felt, you know, loving a girl – and so I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch just to make it feel normal. I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn’t work. When we got together, it scared the shit out of me because you were the one person who could ruin my life. I pushed you away and made you think that things were your fault, but really I was just terrified of pain. I screwed that girl Sophia to kind of spite you for having that hold on me, and I’m a total fucking coward because I got these tickets to Goa for us three months ago. But I couldn’t stand – I didn’t want to be a slave to the way I felt about you. Can you understand? You were trying to punish me back and it’s horrible, it’s so horrible because really I’d die for you. I love you. I love you so much it’s killing me.

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IT’S KILLING ME!

This scene is perfect; the dialogue digs underneath Naomi’s skin into her heart and the whole history of her life up until now. The holes are filled up, just like that, and sealed with a kiss.

Bam! Instant Backstory! I’M CRYING NOW, I’M CRYING ARE YOU HAPPY. And also the first time we’ve really gotten a good conversation out of either of them regarding what it was like to grow up gay, or always feel different, or what happened back in their youth of stolen kisses.

And now, you know, that love is in the air, let’s get this party started right.


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I Hear Noises in the Darkness, I Hear Sadness in Your Voice

Outside the Love Shack Party, Cook is pissing when he hears a ruffling in the bushes. What could it be? THE KOOL-AID MAN?

Cook stares up at Freddie’s bedroom window and calls out his name and throws pebbles at his window like Romeo & Juliet. But alas, Freddie’s brains got bashed in by a baseball bat so he’s not around to play or fight.

He sees a silhouette from afar and chases after it.


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Good Tommo & Pandora Hunting

Back at the party, Thomas tells Panda that he’s going to the USA for a Harvard athletics scholarship. Panda holds his hand because that’s perfect! He can be her on-campus jock boyfriend and they won’t have to worry about making new friends!


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Mess With the Bull Young Man, You Get the Horns

Cook has followed the mystery man from the shadows back to his house and stumbles across a big container of blood-soaked clothes. Just as well Freddie writes his name on his shoes, ’cause now Cook knows who killed Freddie.

John T Foster walks in, looking all menacing and carrying his baseball bat. He knows who Cook is and thinks that, just like Freddie, Cook is a barrier to completely brainwashing Effy. He asks Cook to kneel down for his execution, but Cook just laughs.

Cook: What have you done?
John Foster: Don’t be stupid, Cook. She told me all about you too. There was much to correct in that girl. I almost managed it. Perhaps I still can.
Cook: You. You did something to my friend?
John Foster: This is wasting time. Would you kneel down, please?
Cook: Mr. Foster.

John Foster: Dr. Foster, actually. Kneel down, please.
[Cook shakes his head]
Cook: I don’t think you know what I am, mate.
John Foster: I think I do. You’re nothing. You don’t deserve that girl. And, you know… I do.
Cook: I’m a fucking waste of space. I’m just a stupid kid. I got no sense. Criminal. I’m no fucking use, man. I am nothing. So please, please… get it into your, you know. Into your bonce. That you killed my friend. And, I’m Cook. I’M COOK!

On that note, he lets out a blood-curdling scream and lunges towards John T Foster. coincidentally, I’d like to do the same thing to whomever invented this ridiculous unnecessary character.

And then the show is over but we’re all pretty much certain that Cook kills John T Foster. Might as well, he’s already a convict on the run. I hope Alex Cabot gets him a good deal, then he can go make jokes in the countryside, drink some ale, and have sex with maidens.  He found Freddie’s remains, which pretty much means he found Freddie, which pretty much means he gets a blow job every day from Karen right?

Basically, this episode could’ve been almost exactly the same if Freddie had been alive. The only difference would’ve been a Freds/Effy reconciliation and maybe even a nice Three Musketeers friendship talk.

The End. I think what we’ve learned today is that closure is over-rated, and that violence solves everything and doctors are evil, like Dr. Evil. Oh but also?

There’s hope, children. There is hope.


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