Skins Recap Episode 404: Katie F*cking Fitch

by riese & crystal

[feature graphic photo via fuckyeahnaomily] Hello! It’s time to recap episode 404 of Skins, “The One Where Ross Gets a New Monkey.” JK! It’s actually called “Katie Fucking Fitch.”

If you’re new, here’s the deal: Crystal (Australia-based music editor) recapped just the lesbian parts of Season Three in 2009. So by popular demand, for Season Four she is recapping the entire show, along with Riese (NYC-based Editor-in-Chief, former L Word Online recapper).

In conclusion, the Internet is magic, and someone gave birth to two very beautiful ladies. Here they are:

404 Katie Fucking Fitch

Balconette Bra Product Placement

The previews for 404 shown last week had every Skins fan fueling the excitement by tweeting/emailing/exclaiming “I’m Katie Fucking Fitch!” at every possible opportunity. With so much anticipation in the air for a crackin’ episode, I think opening the show on Katie Fucking Fitch’s rack was really the only way they could have met my expectations.

This is my “One Night in Sarah Palin” Look

Katie’s decked out in First-Lady-meets-Tarzan-meets-Austin-Powers hot pink leopard print power suit and pearls. This’ll be her first day at “Let’s Get Fitched,” Mrs. Fitch’s brand-new wedding planning business. Just like the Jennifer Lopez film The Wedding Planner. You follow?

As you may or may not recall, Mr. Fitch’s gym, Getting FITched, was foreclosed by the bank, so they clearly needed a new business to incorporate their last name into. Hopefully no-one will be confused and be ready for the gym and then end up getting married. That happens to straight people you know. Before they know it they have babies and sweatpants and joint tax returns.

To Be Honest This Logo Looks Gayer Than Your Daughter

Mrs. Fitch is taking this small business owner role seriously, you can tell by the Clip Art logo. She’s probably been taking computer classes at the community college. You know, “computer classes.”

Otherwise Known as The Lat Press

Out in the Fitch family garage, Mr. Fitch is working on his moneymaker — NO NOT THAT KIND PERVS —  with the help of Katie’s little cross-dressing brother James and Katie’s finger-shooting boyfriend Sam. Mr. Fitch proudly introduces “the HyperFitch, a full body workout in just 5 minutes!”

Mrs. Fitch and Katie look skeptical because they undervalue the power of the man who once said, “You’re not going to get taught pecs & abs without reps reps reps!” Mrs. Fitch wants him to make a different kind of machine — a money-making machine! Get it? ‘Cause they don’t have any money? Hahaha! Also someone already made a moneymaking machine and I think they got a patent.

Mrs. Fitch sticks another boot in by announcing that they’re going to work ’cause “someone has to.” Mr. Fitch ensures the employment of another bedside nurse by dropping the machine on James’ legs.

Is It Because You’re Such a Frigid Bitch, Mom? Is It?

Katie can sense the tension between her mother and father and tries to figure out what’s going on. Her mother is dismissive, saying that there is nothing to worry about even though the look in her eye says, “yes there is.”


My Super Sweet 16,000,000 Wedding

The ladies meet Brandy at her dress fitting, where Brandy’s coming all over herself thinking how her football-playing boyfriend ‘Dean’ is gonna come in his pants when he sees her. That’s not how babies are made kids, there’s gotta be contact.

Speaking of gross, in swans the Mother of the Bride, Vivian, fresh out of her colonic appointment. She wants Posh-n-Becks-esque ceremony coverage in OK Magazine, but unless her daughter has banged Katie Price or Tiger Woods, it ain’t gonna happen. Vivian doesn’t like that answer, so Mrs. Fitch backtracks and says they’re working on it.

I Will Gut You Like a Fish!

The Mother of the Bride also wants Mrs. Fitch to order a gaggle of swans, 100 doves and a trained owl that she ordered, you know, to bear the ring. The theme is “Noah’s Ark” which COINCIDENTALLY happened b/c humans were asshats and G-d wanted to kill them all. Just saying!

I bet Brandy’s name is really spelled Brandi. That’s how I’m spelling it now. Vivian condescendingly explains that she’s giving Brandi the wedding of her dreams because that’s what any real mother would do, ‘cept those with homo daughters, they’ll have to settle for commitment ceremonies.

Brandi must have really weird dreams. Like this?

Katie’s gonna leave the game birds to her mother while she runs off to organsie Brandi’s hen party, themed ‘Sluts & Studs’. Giving the irresponsible teenager the responsibility of organising a night of debauchery is a really good idea, what could go wrong?


Unplanned Parenthood

Before Katie can hit the stables, she needs to meet Sam at the health clinic to confirm that she’s not knocked up. It’s the UK and not the USA, and so the waiting room is empty and furnished and the doctor is nice.

The Good News is, Hot Flashes Made it to last year’s Autostraddle Hot 100

The doctor confirms that Katie’s not up the duff, and actually she never will be ’cause she’s going through “premature menopause.” This means:

i) she can never conceive, good thing she’s got a lesbian twin who can have a baby for her instead.

ii) she’s finally got an excuse for being a moody bitch and dressing like she’s 50. Poor Katie, this is intense. Good thing she has a lesbian twin.

[Dear Riese, what the fuck is with the music in this episode? It sounds like dream sequence music?]

[Dear Crystal, I know I thought maybe it was going along with the “fairy tale” theme but then I realize my mind is still with Taylor Swift, not in this episode. There is no fairy tale theme, maybe there was a sale on windchimes].

This is my No More Condoms Dance

Sam responds to the “I’m not preggers” sitch by doing a weird dance.

Katie: You can pretty much fuck off now… You’re dumped. Fuck off!

When Sam realises that Katie actually means it, he freaks ’cause let’s face it, dating Katie was punching a bit above his weight. He kicks a metal pole, hurts his toe, and collapses in the fetal position. The exact position that no-one will ever be in within Katie’s little stomach.

Somewhere Out There

Katie sits in front of a green screen and calls Emily, who’s probs busy having makeup sex with Naomi (FINGERS CROSSED).

I’m sort of surprised that Katie’s holding her shit together.


This Could be the Opening to a Debt Relief Commercial

Back at home, Katie’s Mum is having a row on the phone with a dude who says The Fitches are bankrupt and she should have received notices about this. Mrs. Fitch ‘turns the house upside down and eventually has the spider sense to flip up a couch pillow, where she discovers a whole lot of repossession threats/notices stashed away in a drawer like they’re not true.

Feel Like You’re Losing Control? Have Nightmares?

She exclaims “arsehole!” and starts hyperventilating, which seems like a fair reaction considering.


Mr. Fitch’s ears must’ve been burning, ’cause at that very moment he walks straight into the lair with James, who has just returned from the hospital. Lucky they live in a magical land of affordable healthcare otherwise that cast would have cost a million dollars and there would be no cash left for ice cream.

James: Mum, the nurse says that I have an unusual fascination with the female anatomy and that I should consider a career as a gyna… gyna… gynnnaaa… what’s the word, Dad?
Mr Fitch: Gynecologist.
Mrs Fitch: Something you want to tell me, Rob?

I Went So Crazy I Didn’t Know What to Do

Mr. Fitch realises he’s been caught and um… runs away! Mrs. Fitch runs after him and beats up on him, this reminds me of what happened to Marissa Cooper’s family on The OC. I am sorta stressed out for them. She yells, “We are so finished! Consider yourself divorced!”

James: What’s happening?
Katie: You’ll be alright. Everything’s going to be fine.

Love Pull Your Sore Ribs In

The look on Katie’s face says that she doesn’t really believe her own words. She gets that from her mother.


The Coop Would Be Proud

Katie’s had enough of her broken home, it’s time to  dress up like someone who breaks homes. She’s gone out all vixenish with fishnet stockings & hoop earrings. Goodbye Mrs. Sandra Dee! The sensibility of this morning’s look is out the window! “Save me From Myself” by Christina Aguilera is playing. No joke, this is also what I listen to when dressing up to go be self-destructive!  Me and Katie have so much in common.

On her way out of the house Katie notices her mother screaming down the phone line at Mr. Fitch, threatening to burn his Gym Of The Year certificate.

Katie: Is dad coming back?
Mrs Fitch: We’ll talk about it later. You need to do a good job for me tonight, okay? We’ve got a lot riding on this wedding now sweetheart, let me look at you…

This feels oddly like American Pimp. Anyhow, Mrs Fitch checks to see that Katie is dressed slutty enough for the Sluts & Studs party and yup, she gets the green light.

UM IS ANYONE GONNA CALL EMILY? ANYONE? ANYONE WANT TO CALL UP THE OTHER DAUGHTER? DOES THIS SEEM WEIRD TO ANYONE ELSE?


BFFE = Best Friend Forever Egg

It’s ladies night and the feeling is right, but not the dress code. A blonde WAG army have overruled Katie’s Sluts & Studs theme and are all wearing football jerseys with their boyfriends’ names on the back. How Heteronormative! What does the “E” stand for? Is there anything more than forever?

Brandi’s “BFFE” apologises to Katie, she didn’t organise Katie’s jersey because she didn’t know which boy’s name to put on the back. The BFFE speaks entirely in acronyms like Riese jk sorta no really wtf let’s use words. She’s giving Katie a lot of ‘tude because she now dates Katie’s ex-boyfriend Danny, the skeezy footballer we met in season three. Remember?

If There Was a Shore Like Jersey in the UK, This Guy Could Be In That Show

BFFE: Danny’s told me about you. Didn’t you have bigger tits? They’re like Danny’s favourite thing ever.
Katie: He never complained.
BFFE: Not to your face.
Brandi: So have you got a new man, then?

The situation is diffused by the Mother of the Bride, who reminds Brandi that Katie is getting paid to ‘work’ and not to socialise.

If Someone Bombed this Room, The Only Person I’d Miss Would Be Katie

During the speeches, Mother gives a string of backhanded compliments and also calls Brandi both “arousing” and “brandi-licious” which is weird. She also reveals that Brandi is pregnant. Ouch. Everyone’s highly fertile except for Katie.

Where are the studs at this party, I was hoping for drag kings. Is this a strip club? Katie grabs a bottle of champagne and takes it into the bathroom, which’s exactly what I’d do. In walks Brandi, she also fancies a drink.

Who Cares About Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, My Kid is Destined to be Annoying Regardless

Brandi: Ohhh I’ll have some of that.
Katie: You do know you’re not supposed to drink while you’re pregnant.
Brandi: Don’t care, and I don’t think you can talk to me like that.
Katie: I’ll do what I want.

Here’s the Stud!

Katie storms out of the bathroom — SURPRISE! Effy & Freddie are there canoodling, probs celebrating their new Cook-free lifestyle. Katie’s confused about why they’re there and also pissed ’cause Effy kinda stole Freddy from her. Effy’s all about moving on though, which I guess is sorta easier if you’re not the one who had your skull bashed in with a rock.

Effy: Have a drink with us.
Katie: Is that a joke?
Effy: Katie..
Katie: You haven’t changed, I can see right through you.
Effy: Likewise. Are you ever going to let that smile falter?
Katie: Only when yours does.

I feel like these two girls understand each other, I hope they work it out and become BFFEs.

Next Time Go to Chuckie Cheeses, Bitch

Speaking of besties, Brandi’s has run out of fags and suggests to Katie, aka “sweetheart,” that it’s her job to scamper off and buy her some more.

Katie: One, I’m not your maid. Two, I don’t work for you and so you’ll have to get your own fags, sweetheart.

Urm, but you are her employee. Katie! Desperate times/desperate measures! Get the cigs! Or…

Surprise It’s a Blow Job!

The BFFE shoves Katie right into Freddie’s crotch and Brandi, who we’ve learned is well versed on people cumming, yells out something clever about spitting or swallowing. Katie follows them onto the dance floor and trips the the BFFE up.

BFFE: Who the fuck are you?

Katie punches her out and gets in her face, saying “I’m Katie Fucking Fitch. Who the fuck are you?”

Security throws Katie out of the club, but not before the Mother of the Bride tells Katie “you and your useless mother are fired.” Oh dear, there goes the paycheck. When Mrs Fitch finds out, Katie fucking Fitch is gonna be pretty fucking fucked.


Waterworld

Effy finds Katie sitting on the dock of the bay, so she sits down beside her and offers her a smoke.

Katie: I don’t smoke.
Effy: What are you scared of?
Katie: Err, cancer.

Megan Prescott has exceptional delivery.

Effy’s too hardcore to worry over cancer, she used to sleep with a con and is pulling off a headband. Katie says “fuck it,” and takes a drag. Effy teaches her how to inhale, it’s sexy.

That’s a good friend, someone who’ll hold your hand and teach you how to abuse substances when you’re having a really fucked up day. I hope Effy teaches her how to do blow backs later and they make out.

I Think They’re a Perfect Size

Katie: Why are you being nice to me?
Effy: Life’s too short.
Katie: You’re such a fucking cliché. So what’s it like?
Effy: What’s what like?
Katie: Love.
Effy: Great. It’s really lovely.
Katie: That sounded convincing.
Effy: It’s fine, nothing is ever perfect, you know?
Katie: I thought it could be. I wanted the perfect boyfriend, the perfect marriage, the perfect everything.
Effy: What’s changed?
Katie: Me.

I’m sure Katie’s not just talking about her ovaries changing, her whole life has changed in just one day. I love that Effy doesn’t argue that she’s a cliché, she’s owns it.

Katie: I don’t know who I am anymore.
Effy: I thought you were Katie fucking Fitch.


I Just Wanna Be Like Jewel

Katie, dressed like a hooker, finds her Dad sleeping in the car. What a pair of rascals! He tells Katie he really messed up. She tries to comfort him and says things might be okay ’cause of that whole “for richer or poorer” thing.

Who Wants to Say Grace? Anybody? Anybody?

Back inside, Mrs. Fitch announces that the house is being repossessed TODAY, and it’s their father’s fault. So they’re all gonna have tea. Where’s the duffel bags.

Please Please God Make Me a Bird So I Can Fly Fah Fah Away Away From Heah

Katie and James get sent away from the table so that the adults can argue like children. Actually it’s not really even an argument, it’s Mrs. Fitch berating Mr. Fitch and calling him stupid and worthless over and over again.

Queer Eye for the Repossessed Home

The Repo Men, tweedledum and tweedledee, have arrived! The Fitches scurry to pack and escape while the dudes read out the court order. It takes me longer to pack for a sleepover at my girlfriend’s, I hope someone got Emily’s strap-on & Naomi Love Mementos. Little James kicks the repo men through the door when they try to peek through the cat flap. Aww. Remember the cat flap? It would have hurt more if he was wearing his stilettos.


We Can Trade Outfits Later, The Lesbians Will Love It

Mr. and Mrs. Fitch have pulled off into a parking lot to continue their argument outside the car. Mrs Fitch points out that some of the repo notices were apparently 6-7 months old. She’s a bitch, but now she’s a bitch with a point, which equals danger. James is scared, he scoots across the backseat to hold Katie’s hand and talk about his fears.

James: I hate KFC.
Katie: Wot?
James: Eli Evan’s parents got divorced and his dad spent every night in KFC. Then he met this woman and she had this huge problem and so he tried to help her, and her friend got really angry and then he ended up with only one knee cap. And now, his mum’s going pornos and his dad’s a junkie and he never sees them, except on the internet and then he has to pay for it. I mean, how unfair is that?

Is he talking about Kentucky Fried Chicken, or does KFC stand for something else in the UK? King Fergie Charles, or something.

Have You Heard of the New Show “The Marriage Ref”?

Katie goes to tell them to chill out. Mrs. Fitch wants Mr. Fitch to drop them off at the airport so that her and the kids can live with her mother. Katie explains that being bankrupt means no money which means no airfare. It leads to a valid question about where they’re going to sleep that night.

Katie: There is someone we can stay with…


HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH

You Must Live Close, I’ve Seen You Drive By

Katie knows of a rather large house that doesn’t ever seem to have more than two girls living in it… nicely played, Skins. The Fitches moving in with Naomily? Perfect! It’s like The Brady Bunch, except not at all.

Naomi looks like she hasn’t slept or eaten in days/devastatingly tore-up and gorgeous. This indicates either her & Emily’s relationship is totally hot or totally horrible.

Like us, Naomi thinks this idea of cohabitation is hilarious.

Katie: Good morning Naomi. You’re looking sexy. Have you heard of a shower?
Naomi: What do you want?
Katie: This is difficult, okay. We’ve lost our house.
Naomi: Oh that was careless. So what? [HAR!]
Katie: We need somewhere to stay. Your house is pretty empty at the moment.
Naomi: You’re having a fucking laugh..
Katie: Yes Naomi. I’m kidding that my parents have no money, no house and are about to split up.
Naomi: I’m sorry but.. not my problem.
Katie: Oh but it is. Because it’s Emily’s problem. She’s your girlfriend, that makes it your problem.
Naomi: No lesbian digs?
Katie: That I can’t promise.

Mr. Fitch busts this pop stand to go and find a more permanent solution to the homeless problem (or deal drugs, which I think would be his best bet at this point for quick cash). That leaves Katie and James tasked with convincing Mrs. Fitch to move in to her daughter’s sinful harem.

My Sick Lack of Guilt is So Unwelcome

Katie and her Mum are sitting awkwardly on Naomi’s couch like queer is contageous. See, if it was, then Mr. Fitch wouldn’t have even been legally entitled to Katie’s Mum’s Money HAHAHAHAH! Straight people have so many problems!! Hahaha! Naomi offers Katie & Mrs. Bitch some Depressing Wafers of Death.

Mrs. Fitch: Look at her swanning about as if she’s done nothing wrong.
Katie:
She hasn’t.
Mrs. Fitch:
I want the best for Emily and she isn’t.
Katie:
How do you know?
Mrs. Fitch:
Mums know these things. You’ll realise that one day.

Um, Mrs. Fitch? You’re homeless and Naomi just gave you crackers. It’s time to shut the fuck up and admit you actually have no idea what you’re doing and therefore can’t judge others.

Katie: Are you really going to leave Dad?
Mrs. Fitch: When your Dad and I got married, we had nothing. We spent years working and saving so that you kids could have the best of everything. And for what? It’s all gone. I never thought we’d split up, but then I never thought I’d be evicted from my home. That my daughter would be a… so rebellious. People always let you down princess, they fuck things up. Not you though.

Katie starts to tell her mother that she can’t conceive, but Mrs. Fitch has fallen asleep, I guess all of that arguing and twatiness and self-pity is tiring.

Weren’t We Miserable Enough Just the Two of Us?

So um, Naomi should’ve checked with Emily, ’cause Emily’s not happy. Really there’s no explanation for how Emily didn’t know anything about her family’s drama ’til this moment. She probs just wants another excuse to yell at Naomi and bang things around in a cute tank top.

Naomi: Stop it, Em.
Emily: After all the shit she’s put us through, you just let her march into our home.
Naomi: She’s your mum.
Emily: She’s a selfish cow, that’s what she is.

Mrs. Fitch and Katie get woken up by their fighting and walk in, but Emily just keeps going. Katie owns a lot of leopard print right? That’s not the same shirt from earlier. I would totally be having a panic attack about all my stuff btw that might be taken away by the repo man.

All in the Family

Katie: Emily!
Emily: Whatever. Stay here. Don’t expect me to care because I don’t.
Mrs. Fitch: It’s just for a couple of days while we get ourselves out of this pickle.
Emily: Stay out of my way. This is my house. I live here with my girlfriend. And we’re having a BBQ. Alright?
Mrs. Fitch: Whatever you say, love.

Oh good they are still together OMG WILL IT BE A GAY BARBECUE? Emily strides up to Naomi and sucks her face off right in front of her mother, that is until Naomi pushes her away.

No You Haven’t Missed a Thing

It makes me feel like this’s the only action Naomi has seen since the whole revelation that Naomi fucked the dead girl. Why is Emily being such a twat? This scene really makes me wonder if Emily has stayed with Naomi because she wants to make things work, or because she wants to piss off her mother.

[Sidenote: Riese thinks that they are still in love and it has nothing to do with Mom]

Naomi looks defeated in every sense. Katie shakes her head at her like it was Naomi’s fault and Naomi sighs and storms off outside to the party, which is now in full swing!


It is not a lesbian barbecue after all, sigh. Well, I guess we’re not sure how James is going to identify yet. James wearing a stunning one-piece floral bathing suit and frolicking around the inflatable pool with JJ. He’s so cute and happy in his onesie. It’s the simple things, everyone, the simple things. Also; that’s what he remembered to pack. BTW.

The Kids are Alright

The whole gang minus Cook the Convict is at the BBQ. Thomas & Freddie are playing alpha male, making food for the ladies, and Emily huddles off to the side, doing shots with a bunch of extras.

Is This Where the Sad People Sit Looking Sullen and Making Wry Observations?

Katie is looking out of place, so she joins Naomi and Effy in the Depressives Section who as per ush are showing no enthusiasm for life whatsoever. Now that Katie’s barren & bankrupt she fits right in to the dark side. Also, nice stockings.

This is What a Drug Addict Looks Like. Not Bad Really.

Emily stumbles on over, swaying drunkenly and smoking a ciggie and looking equally as sleep deprived and dishevelled as her girlfriend. She’s on the warpath –

Emily: Who’s got any more pills? Effy?
Katie: Don’t you think you’ve had enough?
Emily: Don’t think. It makes life much easier. Naomi darling? Got anymore of your special powder? No?
Naomi: Don’t, Em.
Emily: Where’s Cook when you need him, eh?

Um, good point Emily… maybe he’s being PUNISHED for being such a bad boy!  Emily staggers off to continue her hunt for pills. Naomi sighs and says, “another fun day at Mrs. and Mrs. Campbells,” which is one of the best things she’s ever said, but no-one’s really listening, these kids never listen!

Clearly Emily has been punishing her the whole time, because what use is a Pity Party without drugs?

You Work That Smudged Eyeliner Girl YOU WORK IT

Katie is looking miserable. Thomas notices, he asks her if she wants to get outta there. Maybe they’ll get together. I dunno, if someone made out I might feel slightly better. Maybe.

Katie: What’s the point? It’s all fucked up anyway.

Emily is still staggering around, she’s complaining that the party is boring and so she turns the music up and starts dancing up close and personal with a random blonde girl.

Luckiest Extra Ever

I think we all see the tragedy that’s gonna occur next, right? Effy can, she’s started numbing herself in preparation for the fireworks. SO SHE DOES HAVE PILLS AND SHE IS WITHHOLDING. I don’t know if that’s mean or not. This is anarchy.

Double-Fisting

Even Mrs. Fitch can see it coming, which is unusual. Though possibly she’s the only one who’s been sober for even an hour since like 2005.

BAM.

Kiss of the Spiderwoman

Who does that? Right in front of their mother and their girlfriend? Oh I guess someone who is on a lot of drugs.

Katie yells for Emily to stop that shit right now. Someone’s gotta keep that relationship together. Naomi doesn’t look like she’s got anything left inside of her. Although the level of anarchy and overall life tragedy happening in this scene is off the charts, it doesn’t feel soap-opera-ish or anything. It feels real.

It feels real in the worst way possible: stunned, mid-afternoon, washed-out, tired, love-drenched sadness.

This Thing That Breaks My Heart And

Emily is so far gone that she charges Naomi and they both land in the swimming pool. Emily thinks it’s really funny and Naomi is defo not laughing.

Like Girls Gone Wild, but Depressing

Emily: Naomi darling, am I making you nice and wet?
Naomi: Fuck you! This is a fucking pantomime.

They get out of the pool and Emily shoves her –

Emily: Fuck you right back.
Katie: Ems, stop it.
Emily: Stay out of this.
Naomi: What? You want to fuck her, is that it?
Emily: Maybe I do. So what.

You Break My Heart Each Time You

She’s acting all tough but not fooling anyone, she doesn’t want to fuck any other girl and neither does Naomi. Maybe neither DID Naomi. But now, we’ll never know…

Mrs. Fitch is looking on horrified, she wants to know why her daughter is suddenly slutting it up with another girl ’cause srsly, they’re broke now and so she doesn’t have the money to pay off that many girls. Emily says it’s none of her business, but Naomi just wants to come clean –

Naomi: I fucked the dead girl. I fucked Sophia and I gave her the drugs and now she’s punishing me for it.

Well, so there that is. Maybe that’s better — get it out there, and then “Want me to tell everyone what you did?” is no longer a pawn on the table when the wars are waged.

It’s a Wagon Train! We’re Going to Oregon!

Worst timing ever goes to Mr. Fitch who walks in and says “good news everyone, I found us a caravan,” which I think is probably something no wife and daughter ever wants to hear at any moment let alone this one. But I guess it beats living in domestic hell with two teenagers with a lot of lesbian feelings — but also, I believe Thomas still has a well-cooked hamburger! Who wants it?

Emily: Why don’t you all just fuck off. All of you. Pretending to be happy families, pretending to love each other.
Mrs. Fitch: Don’t you dare speak to me like that.
Emily: Get off your high horse.

Mrs. Fitch is in tears, she says she needs to get away from there and then runs off. That just leaves Katie and Emily.

Emily: Bit melodramatic. Remind you of anyone?

Ooooo, nice one Dr. Phil.

I Will Strangle You With One of These Hoop Earrings Seriously Don’t Push Me

Right now there’s only one person being a melodramatic twat, and it isn’t the twin in the purple animal print. Katie doesn’t say anything, she just does what some of us have been willing her to do for the last ten minutes and slaps Emily.

I wonder if this happens every day, or if maybe Emily is lying (yes) and she does care — not just about Naomi, but about her family, and maybe even her health. Because see; now literally every single part of her life sucks. At least she’s not in jail like Cook?

I think every episode someone’s life falls to pieces, yeah? I hope there’s a musical number in the season finale. Also; I hope Emily’s getting good grades. That would be something.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone in the Fitch family acting happy. Except when Naomi & Emily were falling madly in love!

The Mirror is Cloudy, I Loved You the Most

Naomi hasn’t gone anywhere, she’s still standing by her hot mess of a woman. She’s all heart-broken and devastated and reaches out to Emily and says “Em,” but Emily doesn’t respond.


I Said Draw Me a Bath

Katie has decided to chill out with a bath, which first involves a sexually explicit undressing, in which you can imagine it’s really Emily undressing for Naomi, I dunno is that weird.

Thomas pulls a Can’t Hardly Wait when he dashes into the bathroom to pee, sees Katie, tries to dash out, and breaks the lock on the door. Now he’s stuck, and probs still needs to break the seal.

Where is Your Fragrance of Love Scented Candle

There’s no one left in the house and so they’re stuck for the moment, Katie tells Thomas to take a seat and get comfortable.

Katie: Do you think I’m a bitch, Thomas?
Thomas: I think you’re Katie. [translation: you’re a bitch] You should always be you. You’re strong and…
Katie: I’m too aggressive, just like my fucking mum. I know it, I am a bitch.

This is very real. You know; when your parents fuck up, and you start to see all the parts of yourself that maybe learned how to fuck up from your parents, and why and how, and then you know you need a bath.

Thomas: Everyone relies on you to tell the truth Katie, they need you.
Katie: That thing you do, is it real?
Thomas: What thing?
Katie: The lovely, honourable thing.
Thomas: I’m not. I screw up so often… Panda, college, everything. Right now I am Monsieur Screw.

Speaking of screwing, Katie pulls him into the bath tub and more or less mounts him. That’s nice, someone should at least fuck, that’s the best self-destructive behavior of all.

Thomas gets a lot of action on this show, I guess it’s that sunny disposition and happy-go-lucky attitude that makes him a winner with the ladies.  DOESN’T HE STILL HAVE TO PEE THOUGH?

Seriously All I Can Think About Is How He Probs Still Has to Pee

Katie pauses the make out sesh to confirm that Thomas does actually fancy her before she continues jumping him. He says yes either b/c he does or b/c he wants to get laid. And also to talk about her feelings.

Katie: I can’t have kids. They say I can’t have kids. Ever.
Thomas:
And you’re sad. You think maybe no man will ever want you. Well I’m a man, and I think you are a beautiful and magnificent woman.
Katie: Pandora was an idiot not to forgive you.
Thomas: I was the idiot. I wasn’t honourable.

Katie gives him a hug and they agree to be friends, and Thomas walks away soaking wet, probaby his penis is just really overall not very happy right now.

Nice towels. Yeah the one on your face AND the one on your body. Katie Fucking Fitch mmhmm.

Affection for Leopard Print Apparently Runs In the Family Too

On her way back from the bath, Katie sees Jamie flipping through fashion magazines and she walks away smiling, probably because it’s cute but also maybe thinking about the grief he’s going to give Mrs. Fitch when he gets older and how their Mom is probs a lez too ’cause of the gay gene.

Then she walks by the hallway and sees how cute they all are.

Then Katie finds her sister lying on the mattress; crying.


Katie lies down next to her and holds Emily’s hand and gives her a hug while she cries, it’s very sweet. Really, it is. My eyes watered a bit.

My Life As A House

The entire Fitch family visit their house to say a final goodbye because it’s going up for auction.  Inside, Katie finally approaches her mother to let her know she will never also birth children and f*ck them up like she did.

So Anyways About Me

Katie: Mum, I can’t have children. I went to the doctors yesterday, and they said there’s nothing they could do. I wanted to tell you but you were too busy shouting. It’s all about you. I didn’t want to let you down, but you let me down. I really needed you and you weren’t there.

To Mrs. Fitch’s credit, she shuts up and lets Katie say everything she needs to say. She then sweeps her up for a hug.

Katie: It doesn’t matter Mum. The house and the money, I don’t want it. I’m not going to be you. I just want a Mum who loves me, no matter what.
Mrs. Fitch: I do love you, no matter what. I’m so sorry.
Katie: We love you Mum. You don’t appreciate us, stop trying to push us away.

Maybe If I Cry

Why is this show giving me so many feelings this season about things that I wasn’t prepared to have feelings about and why does it feel totally justified and heavy and real?

And then Mr. Fitch comes in with a pizza! And love! WTF! Let’s all hug it out! I want pizza too, and I just ate, I want to cry too, and I just cried!

Mr. Fitch: I love you.
Mrs. Fitch: You stupid bastard.
Mr. Fitch: Sorry.

Oh boy, this is how the destructive relationship works. Let’s all go have makeup sex with our on-again/off-again partners. Children, avert your eyes!

Pretty Limber With That Cast, Kid

Remarkably they still have an appetitie although I imagine this is a really nice scene for them, the family back together again. They all sit on the floor and eat pizza and its lovely.

Pizza Parties Fix Everything FACT

SIDENOTE: In the “scenes that didn’t make the final cut” section on the e4 website, we HAVE THIS WTF HAPPENED THAT SOMEHOW DIDN’T MAKE THE FINAL CUT

UM

UM

????? Someone wanna fill in the fanfic for us? Okay, basically, Naomi & Emily are in love hahah Emily says, omg my family, they are so crazy, let’s make love, make out make out, okay now go say gooddbye to the house.

NEXT WEEK: Freddie & Effy are going to do a lot of drugs, go to some kind of carnival, people will make out, Naomi & Emily are nowhere to be seen!



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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2862 articles for us.

52 Comments

  1. You know how when you tell stories about exploits you’ve got up to and, even if said exploit was amazing, it sounds even better as an anecdote, perhaps because you are looking back at it through awesome-tinted glasses, or you have the benefit of wit-infused hindsight? Well, that’s kind of how I feel about these recaps; I loved the ep, but somehow the recap has amplified its goodness, as well as being tremendously funny in its own right.

    Also, I love the fact that some of the purple caption thingies are song lyrics and some of them aren’t, which makes me think for a second that there might be a song out there with the line “I Will Strangle You With One of These Hoop Earrings Seriously Don’t Push Me” and then I get a bit disappointed when I realise there can’t be, then I get INSPIRED to get out my glockenspiel and pen my own, then I procrastinate and make a cup of tea instead.

    • I have a similar love for Riese’s purple sub-headings, they are the best parts of these recaps. It took me a long time to realise a lot of them were Tegan & Sara lyrics, and when I finally did I laughed a lot.

  2. I haven’t seen this episode yet, ’cause I promised to watch it with my sister who’s not here, but then I saw the recap and I couldn’t stop reading and now I kind of ruined the episode, but it’s okay, because it made the recap even better. (In other words; I’ll be back.)

    • So, I finally watched this, and what can I say… me and my sister totally had a sister-bonding-moment. The ending might be the cutest Skins moment to date.
      I can’t believe they named Katie Kathryn (Kathryn Prescott plays Emily), and during the first day at school, they called everyone else by full first name, so really? it makes no sense.

  3. This recap is way better than watching skins (and I love watching skins…)

    And that’s a for-reals bench in Bristol that Katie is sitting on to call Emily, not a green screen. I used to live in one of the little coloured houses on the hill.

  4. I hate that every episode things have gotten shittier and shittier for Naomi and Emily.

    And like popeye, I too know that bench is real. My Bristolian friend took me on a ‘Skins tour’ a few weeks back and I’m pretty sure we sat there.

    • ok so the bench is real, yes yes i know that. you can’t make benches on green screens! well you can, but it’d be silly, it’s way less complicated to have an actual bench. I meant that the sky was a green screen. I mean does the sky always look like that? the sky looks majestic!

      • Well you know what I meant, right? haha and I was thinking the sky looked a bit trippy but I was driving from Reading back to Cardiff the other day and they sky around the Bristol area was very strange, my dad actually proclaimed ‘that sky is psyche-fucking-delic’. though maybe a bit of tweakage?

        and that video makes me feel highly deceived.

  5. Regarding the deleted scene. The reason I am thinking it was cut was because it would have given information we are able to conclude anyways and they needed to trim some stuff – wish it would have been that repossession scene that dragged on. That is that Emily leaves Naomi and goes back with her family. In the pictures, Emily is wearing the same shirt she has one when Katie hugs her on the bed. I think Emily is telling Naomi she needs some time to herself. Naomi’s smile probably indicates some sort of levity by Emily.

  6. These recaps crack me up so hard, the photo captions especially. Also, this is lovely: “It feels real in the worst way possible: stunned, mid-afternoon, washed-out, tired, love-drenched sadness.”

    One of favorite parts of Sunday evening. :)

  7. I don’t know which I look forward to the most, watching Skins or reading your recaps!! Each episode so far though has been like open heart surgery for each featured character. This current series though seems to have a raw truthful taste to it, you know like when you lick something metal, not that I regularly lick metal, but you know what I mean, that sort of ‘ohh not what I expected, but, believable’?? Ok, I’m odd, I struggle to put into words what I’m trying to say…I’ll leave it there. p.s I’m all for believing those skies are real, we’ve been having some amazing skies/sunsets here in the Midlands.

  8. -This episode hit unbelievablly close to home with the financial issues and parental marital problems. WOW
    -Katie was fantastic! I always liked Emily more but now I am switching.
    – Naomi and Emily- IDK

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