Lemme be honest with you here for a moment — I’ve found every single one of these fucking videos hilarious. Even the first one that some people found ambivalently offensive but ESPECIALLY “Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls,” that one is by far the best.
Obviously it opens with scissoring because I mean, who doesn’t.
Here it is!
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So, how much does this ring true and what would you add to the video?
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Riese is the 40-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in California. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.
Omg! The question, “So a strap-on is like the same thing right? Why don’t you just have sex with guys then?” is so annoying. My guy friend just asked me this the other night and he starts off the questions, “Okay I’m not trying to offend you but…” Great video!
so funny. But all straight girls should stay away from flannel and rainbow bracelets. Once I get enough courage to ask a woman out, you cant get offended.
If this were done in the right tone, though, I think it could be an awesomely equal reaction to a coming out. “I like girls.” “That’s nice, I like guys.” Everyone should have to state their sexual orientation in such a conversation, not just the gay person. Share the awkward!
I fully support that idea. Almost like being into girls and being into guys and everything in between are all completely and equally okay!
Unfortunately, I don’t think she meant it in the awkward sharing circle kind of way. I think she meant it in the semi-sort-of-I-don’t-want-to-be-weird-but-don’t-hit-on-me kind of way. Sigh.
I would make a graphic, but I am choosing not to for everyone’s sake.
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atleast someone has their thinking cap on, i don’t think i put my brain in gear when i wrote that comment but i stand by it. #McGirlfriends
p.s my second comment on a post ever on AS and intern grace replied to it… is this real life?!
If “South of Nowhere” taught me anything, it was that lesbian sex is all about kneeling in front of one another on a bed and sort of rubbing your forearms together.
I had this conversation with a girl I worked with once:
her: I could NEVER date a girl, I hate women, they’re so crazy and like bitches. I don’t get along with other girls.
me: I am still a girl you know…
her: Oh well yeah but you don’t count because, you know…
me: …
Oh no, there was this really cute totally gay lady working at the PeiWei by my old beauty school..the straight girls there assumed she was checking them out,and talked about how cute she was and if they were gay they would bang her. (Ya know cause shes not being nice to get tips like a straight girl would, she must wanna do them). Oh, and this gem: If a random girl you don’t know requests you on Facebook, she is probably gay and wants to bang you. In other words this is true…
I always get, “You don’t think that guy is even a little bit hot?” And then if I admit, on rare occasions, “Yeah, he dresses nice/has nice hair/a cute face,” they’ll say, “So you’re bisexual then?”
XD I believe there should be some naked pudding wrestling for Batman…yeah…for batman.
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naked lesbian wrestling for batman. u-oh. i like.
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It’s the only way to do things and everyone wins!
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ok, way random, sorry. but why do lezzies LOVE batman? i mean ima huge fan but the other day my 14yo nephew comes up to me im in my batman hat and asks who do lesbians love batman so much? i just said cuz hes fucking awesome thats why but he really got me thinking cuz i see alot of gay ladies sprting batman stuff
In Finland the slang word for lesbian is lepakko (bat) so that’s why we all wear Batman T-shirts. Don’t know about the rest of the world (though Batman is also awesome)
ok, way random, sorry. but why do lezzies LOVE batman? i mean ima huge fan but the other day my 14yo nephew comes up to me im in my batman hat and asks who do lesbians love batman so much? i just said cuz hes fucking awesome thats why!!!! but he really got me thinking cuz i see alot of gay ladies sporting batman stuff
See, this is how it’s worked in my experience. They say, “Is that guy hot?” and I either agree or disagree with them. If I agree, then they say “See, even the lesbian knows he’s hot!” and if I disagree, they say “Pfft, what do you know. You’re gay.” CURSES.
This video is so accurate!
After I came out to my annoyingly cute/straight roommate: “If I was a lesbian – WHICH I’M NOT – I would totally go for you. I hope that’s not awkward.”
note to self: do not eat soup and a roll while on autostraddle. the rainbow bracelets one made me laugh so much I think there’s bread lodged in my sinuses.
Yes. Yes there is. I usually go for something along the lines of:
Yes. Of course you are pretty. Your hairs cascades of your delicate shoulders like night rain, and shines with the light of the sunrise. You have the complexion of a newborn baby’s left ass cheek. Should you ever deem me worthy of your bicurious experimentations, I would drop to my knees and praise God.
Note: add or remove sarcasm depending on how obnoxious said girl is.
Ughhh I hate that! Several of my female friends won’t let up about it. Sometimes I feel like seriously play acting that i’m madly in love with them and when they freak out say “still mad you’re not my type?”
Brillo; this one is better, covers all the bases. And it was filmed in Blackpool, my hometown – had a weird moment of giddy internet recognition and now I miss the seaside. Stupid London and its stupid lack of coastline.
Rings true: “This doesn’t mean you’re gonna start dressing like a man, too, right?” Also followed by a precious and confusing “Ohmygod please don’t do that”-like plea.
It was said to me while I was wearing a very spiffy blazer meant for spiffy 13- to 14-year-old boys, though, so I think that, fortunately, those straight ones are okay with me partially dressing like a spiffy little man. Bless their hearts.
I always get the, “Are you SURE you just haven’t dated a decent guy yet?” Because the guy I dated when I was 15 was super effeminate and girly (he was even super thin and had long hair) so people think he just “turned me gay”, because “weaker” guys make girls gay. No dipshit, maybe I just dated him instead of macho man because I like things associated with femininity. In conclusion: high school sucks.
Oh my lord, did we date the same guy?! xD I did the exact same thing in high school. He was practically my girlfriend. Also I always tried to feel him up like he had boobs.. he didn’t like that for some reason.
I’m bi but I totally had a crush on a guy like that in high school (well, except for the long hair, instead he just had a haircut like Blaine from Glee).
I was laughing pretty hard through the whole video – my lesbian GF would totally agree with these things. It’s terrible! Davey Wavey needs to make a gay version of this!
Somebody should totally make a “shit straight guys say to lesbians” version!
Can I watch? JK.
I’ve slept with a lesbian before.
So you’d be totally hot if you just grew your hair out.
I’ve slept with more girls than you have.
Did some guy just like, really mess you up or something?
Can I watch?
Lesbians are totally hot. Wait, why is that offensive? It’s a compliment!
Have you met my girlfriend?
So, seriously, how do you know when you’re having sex?
Wait, but seriously, I’ll just sit in the corner and not say anything.
Well, if you ever want to switch it up a little bit….you know where to find me.
You just haven’t been with a guy who knows what he’s doing.
How do you feel about video cameras?
Did you ever check out other girls in the shower during gym? Can you tell me about it?
Boobs.
I’m totally cool with lesbians. I watch a lot of your porn!
So, you’re a girl, and you’re into girls, does that mean you find yourself hot? Like, is feeling up your own boobs as fun as feeling up someone elses???
Well-meaning acquaintance: “Omigod don’t say that! You are SO pretty! All you need to do is change your hair a little, start wearing makeup, maybe wear lighter colors…”
oh my god my face during that convo. Masculine is suddenly bad? Who’s the alleged man-hater here? (Been called that too, not by the same person, thank god.)
After having a long rant about her male friend who is an asshole:
*serious, contemplative voice* “Sometimes, I really think I should just turn lez.”
Every time!!
Also: (expecting me to be excited) “Hey hey I’ve been wanting to tell you I made out with a girl last week!! It was really fun but not as good as with my boyfriend.”
the best one I got a couple of weeks ago was – and this was one sentence, no sign of any interpunction whatsoever: “I like your hair I’M NOT A LESBIAN OR ANYTHING.”
she tried to explain to me how she liked my new hairstyle but wasn’t hitting on me for what felt like five whole minutes.
until I just said: “No homo!”
I was initially ambivalent about these videos. But then I realized, this is really a great way to explain microagressions without having to explain what microagression is.
Too many people don’t realize that the stuff they say has been said a million times and the person they’re saying it to has probably heard it dozens of times…maybe in one day. And then they wonder why you’re irritated. Then they get defensive when you try to explain. These videos just bypass all that and get right to the point.
“So would it be cheating on your girlfriend if you slept with a guy? . . . But why? . . . Okay, what if SHE slept with a guy? . . . I just don’t understand how that would be cheating. Sex with guys is different from what you, you know, do.”
What about shit straight guys say to lesbians? I have a guy friend that I think just thinks of me as another guy friend. Which is okay up to the point where he starts making penis jokes. He’s just trying to be funny, but I don’t think he gets that I can’t relate.
Oh what’s that crafting thing people would do at summer camp when they make bracelets of “intense platonic female love” (this is usually made for/by your your good-looking bunk-mate that does not believe in bras)???
My favorite: “I don’t think you’re a lesbian, because you’re not manly like [person]. Also, you like pretty girls. You’re obviously bisexual.”
(The logic was strong with this one)
My second favorite: “It’s obviously just a phase. You’ll grow out of it.”
It’s not exactly something they SAY, but how annoying is it when two straight girls decide to be “in a relationship” or “married” on Facebook?
There should be a word for that little flicker of hope followed by anger and sullenness when you see, “*Straight girl* is in a relationship with *straight girl.”
You know, it’s a funny joke, right? Because it’s like they’re gay?
What is really sad is that I participated in this shit knowing that I am gay as a skip on a sunny day. Good news the person I did this with did become my ex-gf in college…again ughh college :DDDD
as a person who is online-married to a straight girl, I am torn about this one. it started as an inside-joke between us and a couple of friends, and I mostly see it as a way to have a slightly inaccurate facebook profile. I also find it rather amusing that since we got “married”, she gets advertising for rainbow jewelry and gay cruises.
I find it way more disturbing that my cousins 18/19-year-old (female) friends post pictures of themeselves in little clothing/really high heels and that this growing up with facebook thing is turning into something that makes teenage girls take professional yet exploitive pictures and post them online and then wait for likes and comments to get approval.
I am still very excited about the fact that someone obviously misread my above comment [left a snarky comment and never explained it] as something it was not, which is:
a) me looking down on 18/19 year olds
b) me thinking I am “so much older” at 24
c) me making fun of “the youth of today”
when in fact it was about the self-representation of women in our society, women seeing themselves through the male gaze and the role the internet/facebook plays in this.
and no, when I was 18, facebook wasn’t around. and I am happy about it. because at 24, I am already leaving too much content there, and it would have been more if I’d had it at 18. We did too much stupid stuff on the internet, left too much information about ourselves at teens anyways.
before that, I purchased some rather delightful paintings of my legs.
I guess mainly what bugs me is that I’ve spent so much of my life feeling really lonely, like really, most of the time I’ve been the only queer girl I knew (EVEN AT MY WOMEN’S COLLEGE WHAT THE FUCK).
So it was that moment, you know? Like, it got me EVERY TIME–a little surge of hope that maybe I’m not alone anymore, followed by the swift realization that it was just a joke. I don’t know, possibly people who can be that emotionally affected by Facebook just shouldn’t be on Facebook?
Anyway, my skin has thickened up over time and now I pretty much assume all same-sex relationship updates are jokes unless proven otherwise (you notice it’s never hetero couples making that joke? like, my best friend is a dude, and we’d never have the freedom to make a fake relationship update because everyone would assume I’d gone straight).
And that’s created some awkward moments too, like when a close friend started dating his boyfriend.
So, like, I get that it’s not malicious, and I’m totally not judging.
I know, right? Most disappointing girls’ school ever! It had a reputation as a finishing school for young ladies until pretty recently. The kind of place you send your daughter to get a degree so she’ll be respectable when you marry her off? I dunno, it’s a great school but not a very gay one.
I was going to say “But does the same thing go for me(queer gal) and my best pal(boy homo) being married on fb?” And then I was like “Lol no because we’re just, like, deconstructing the construct of marriage through our being cis-het- seeming folk, when really we’re both homosexuals who like to fist fuck.
“OH YEAH. What about babies then?! Turkey baster.. that’s a real thing right?”
“Ohhh I went to school with/work with/know a lesbian… Maybe I can hook you guys up?” AKA “Yeah, I know of them… Lesbians.”
“Yeah but I’ve noticed that when we go out and arrogant, sleazy guys hit on you, you get really annoyed. Maybe if you met a guy who was nicer and more sensitive…”
I went ahead and made the “shit straight guys say… to lesbians” one! It’s not as high quality as this one, but it’s exactly what you’d expect. A lady dressed as a creepy auto mechanic, sounding douchey.
“Have you had, like, sex? REALLY?! Do you use…you know…*whispers* vibrators? Because I totally have some of those, too.”
“My friend can’t wait to have you and [girlfriend] stay at his house. I mean, he likes you a lot…but mostly, he’s excited to have two lesbians sleep over. It’ll be great!”
“This is a phase, right? Because I like [girlfriend] a lot, but I picture you marrying a guy.”
“Wait, what’s ‘LGBT’?”
On Valentine’s Day: “…how do you know which one of you is supposed to buy flowers?”
Lmfao the one question that I’ve heard a lot is would u fuck me? just cause I’m a lesbian doesn’t mean I want to fingerblast every girl smh Haha but I loved the what’s it taste like ?? My respond would’ve been skittles so come taste my rainbow LOL
My least favorite is when my roommate asks about whatever my plans are for the evening, in those rare cases where I’ve invited her, by cautiously saying “So what kind of thing is this” and I have to say if it’s a “gay thing” or not
My favorite comment that I’ve personally experienced is my straight friend asking her sister “Does this outfit make me look too much like a lesbian?”. However, in hindsight, she did warn me that what she was going to say might be offensive, so I guess I should be grateful for that.
Omg! The question, “So a strap-on is like the same thing right? Why don’t you just have sex with guys then?” is so annoying. My guy friend just asked me this the other night and he starts off the questions, “Okay I’m not trying to offend you but…” Great video!
Love the Mean Girls reference!
I held in my laughter until that moment.
“your really pretty, though i don’t mean that in a gay way”
to which i reply “awh dammnn”, its funny cos they get really uncomfortable.
to add:
“Your girlfriend is so pretty. Are you SURE she’s gay?”
Bam. There it is.
I hate the top/bottom question. worst ever. the would you fuck me is occasionally funny
so funny. But all straight girls should stay away from flannel and rainbow bracelets. Once I get enough courage to ask a woman out, you cant get offended.
Off topic: Anyone know where can I buy me some awesome rainbow bracelets/jewelry?
If you’re in college your school’s GSA might be literally giving them away.
Found this site the other day:) The butterfly is my favorite.
http://ayor-jewelry.com/rainbowpride.php
I can make you some.
Ha!
I’d add to that “So, lesbian sex is just like foreplay right?” Heard that one for the first time in a loooong time recently. Grr.
Yeah, who doesn’t love a decent fistfuck for foreplay?!
ftw
Ha!
My roommate said this to me when I came out to her last year: “Thanks for telling me! Just so you know, I’m, like, into guys…”
Yes, thank you for that. Because that fact that you’re a woman makes me automatically want to bang you.
If this were done in the right tone, though, I think it could be an awesomely equal reaction to a coming out. “I like girls.” “That’s nice, I like guys.” Everyone should have to state their sexual orientation in such a conversation, not just the gay person. Share the awkward!
I fully support that idea. Almost like being into girls and being into guys and everything in between are all completely and equally okay!
Unfortunately, I don’t think she meant it in the awkward sharing circle kind of way. I think she meant it in the semi-sort-of-I-don’t-want-to-be-weird-but-don’t-hit-on-me kind of way. Sigh.
I had an ‘aghgh the youtube is has come to life’ moment when she asked “are you looking at my boobs?” Because indeed, I was.
hahaha SO WAS I
the straight girl was right about one thing. they did look great in that t-shirt.
me three!
(jeez we’re so queer-)
Yep, me too.
yep, me too. She should wear that t-shirt more often…
I was too. Although I was actually thinking, “damn, I really want an awesome GUTS! t-shirt like that”
Old school Nick FTW!
ME TOO. I was like, “Did she build a time machine to get that from the ’90s?”
Honestly, and then she said it and I looked up at her face and gulped “..no” and shyly shuffled my feet around
Ohgawd. So embarassing!
LOL…where do I begin…
“You’re a lesbian? But you’re so pretty!”
Sorry we’re not all snaggle-toothed truckers.
Straight girl- what do you lesbians do in bed?
Me- build fortress’s and eat away our feelings.
“eat away our feelings”
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
unless their girlfriends have built in McFlurry makers, then no the reality of the situation is a lot duller :(
Built-in McFlurry makers…
The visuals…oh the visuals.
I would make a graphic, but I am choosing not to for everyone’s sake.
atleast someone has their thinking cap on, i don’t think i put my brain in gear when i wrote that comment but i stand by it. #McGirlfriends
p.s my second comment on a post ever on AS and intern grace replied to it… is this real life?!
“hold hands and giggle” is my go-to answer.
My favorite is “whatever we fucking want to”.
If “South of Nowhere” taught me anything, it was that lesbian sex is all about kneeling in front of one another on a bed and sort of rubbing your forearms together.
Hawt.
If Hand Aufs Herz taught me anything, it’s that lesbian sex requires a wind machine.
Well obviously. Why? How do you do it?
I wasn’t looking at your boobs; I was looking at your Nickelodeon GUTS t-shirt because that is amazeballs.
Oh, and the video was really funny too.
Excuses, excuses.
You forgot one main essential one: how it must be easier to be with a woman.
yes i was waiting for that one too
My dad told me that when I came out to him. Like I was just being lazy. Wah-wahhh
Or, alternatively, “I could NEVER date a girl, girls are crazy!”
I had this conversation with a girl I worked with once:
her: I could NEVER date a girl, I hate women, they’re so crazy and like bitches. I don’t get along with other girls.
me: I am still a girl you know…
her: Oh well yeah but you don’t count because, you know…
me: …
guys are so emotionally stunted… like, i could understand why you’d want to switch.
hahaha i saw this on tumblr yesterday! too funny.
I hate “But you don’t *look* like a lesbian.” uhhhh yeah I do. Cum um, I am one.
Um yeah HA! That was *cuz.
Oh no, there was this really cute totally gay lady working at the PeiWei by my old beauty school..the straight girls there assumed she was checking them out,and talked about how cute she was and if they were gay they would bang her. (Ya know cause shes not being nice to get tips like a straight girl would, she must wanna do them). Oh, and this gem: If a random girl you don’t know requests you on Facebook, she is probably gay and wants to bang you. In other words this is true…
I always get, “You don’t think that guy is even a little bit hot?” And then if I admit, on rare occasions, “Yeah, he dresses nice/has nice hair/a cute face,” they’ll say, “So you’re bisexual then?”
I have found it very useful to have my list of “men I am hot for” handy in situations like these. the list is:
1. Batman
2. Neville Longbottom
3. Lance Sweets
amazing.
thanks.
also, the inconsistecy of this list should tell people something about my “taste” in men. ;)
Now you’ve made me think of mine;
1. Batman
2. Neil Patrick Harris.
XD I believe there should be some naked pudding wrestling for Batman…yeah…for batman.
naked lesbian wrestling for batman. u-oh. i like.
It’s the only way to do things and everyone wins!
ok, way random, sorry. but why do lezzies LOVE batman? i mean ima huge fan but the other day my 14yo nephew comes up to me im in my batman hat and asks who do lesbians love batman so much? i just said cuz hes fucking awesome thats why but he really got me thinking cuz i see alot of gay ladies sprting batman stuff
power tools. dykes love power tools.
I dunno I just wanna get laid by batmaaaan.
(or maybe I want to be batman and get laid by maggie gyllenhaal)
He carries all that stuff yet he doesn’t need a purse
In Finland the slang word for lesbian is lepakko (bat) so that’s why we all wear Batman T-shirts. Don’t know about the rest of the world (though Batman is also awesome)
…this just explained EVERYTHING.
Really? I didn’t notice.
I’m not a big fan of Batman at all.
ok, way random, sorry. but why do lezzies LOVE batman? i mean ima huge fan but the other day my 14yo nephew comes up to me im in my batman hat and asks who do lesbians love batman so much? i just said cuz hes fucking awesome thats why!!!! but he really got me thinking cuz i see alot of gay ladies sporting batman stuff
See, this is how it’s worked in my experience. They say, “Is that guy hot?” and I either agree or disagree with them. If I agree, then they say “See, even the lesbian knows he’s hot!” and if I disagree, they say “Pfft, what do you know. You’re gay.” CURSES.
I like to answer, “eh, he’s not my type.” can be interpreted however you want :)
This video is so accurate!
After I came out to my annoyingly cute/straight roommate: “If I was a lesbian – WHICH I’M NOT – I would totally go for you. I hope that’s not awkward.”
note to self: do not eat soup and a roll while on autostraddle. the rainbow bracelets one made me laugh so much I think there’s bread lodged in my sinuses.
Seriously. It hurts. Stupid funny youtube.
The “Do you think I’m pretty” question is so fucking loaded! I hate that one. There’s no way to answer that.
I usually just say yes and if they get creeped out that’s their fault for asking lol
always just say yes.
Yes. Yes there is. I usually go for something along the lines of:
Yes. Of course you are pretty. Your hairs cascades of your delicate shoulders like night rain, and shines with the light of the sunrise. You have the complexion of a newborn baby’s left ass cheek. Should you ever deem me worthy of your bicurious experimentations, I would drop to my knees and praise God.
Note: add or remove sarcasm depending on how obnoxious said girl is.
*golf claps* FUCKING *golf claps*
I choked.
A straight friend was really offended for about a month when I told her she wasn’t my type. I’m like, “Do you want to be my fucking type?!”
this.
hot.
LOL Same thing happened to me. My friend was like whats your type then? I replied Gay.
Ughhh I hate that! Several of my female friends won’t let up about it. Sometimes I feel like seriously play acting that i’m madly in love with them and when they freak out say “still mad you’re not my type?”
Dooooooooo iiiiiiiiiiiit!
Funny. But I think I like this one better:
MUCH funnier!!!
Yeah, this was definitely the funnier video and she pretty much worked everything in there. I think every lesbian has heard all of those.
This one’s hilarious!
(*biased englishh girl)
“I’m having a problem with my cat” ahauahuaha
HAHA this one is great! “That guy keeps hitting on me pretend you’re my girlfriend” If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
P.S. NOTHING beats the GUTS t-shirt in the other one!! I need that shirt in my life.
Brillo; this one is better, covers all the bases. And it was filmed in Blackpool, my hometown – had a weird moment of giddy internet recognition and now I miss the seaside. Stupid London and its stupid lack of coastline.
So so so much better. “Can I get another glass of wine please… And… do you want a pint?” Hahahaha. And holy jesus is she hot?
this version, so much funnier
This one is brilliant. And I totally just said “brilliant” in a bad English accent…
Was totally waiting for the “So which one is the man? Wait what, but there’s always a man?! :O”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMhjP2yVmu8
The British version? lol, same diff…
Rings true: “This doesn’t mean you’re gonna start dressing like a man, too, right?” Also followed by a precious and confusing “Ohmygod please don’t do that”-like plea.
It was said to me while I was wearing a very spiffy blazer meant for spiffy 13- to 14-year-old boys, though, so I think that, fortunately, those straight ones are okay with me partially dressing like a spiffy little man. Bless their hearts.
OMG this is so funny… and so true. Where were you all years ago when I needed this?
“If I had hair like yours, I’d probably be mistaken for a stylish gay man.” My friend Tori, about twenty minutes ago, re. my new haircut.
“I’m giving up on guys–I think I’ll just become a lesbian.”
I wish I had a dollar for every time I’d heard that one.
I always get the, “Are you SURE you just haven’t dated a decent guy yet?” Because the guy I dated when I was 15 was super effeminate and girly (he was even super thin and had long hair) so people think he just “turned me gay”, because “weaker” guys make girls gay. No dipshit, maybe I just dated him instead of macho man because I like things associated with femininity. In conclusion: high school sucks.
Oh my lord, did we date the same guy?! xD I did the exact same thing in high school. He was practically my girlfriend. Also I always tried to feel him up like he had boobs.. he didn’t like that for some reason.
I’m bi but I totally had a crush on a guy like that in high school (well, except for the long hair, instead he just had a haircut like Blaine from Glee).
I was laughing pretty hard through the whole video – my lesbian GF would totally agree with these things. It’s terrible! Davey Wavey needs to make a gay version of this!
Somebody should totally make a “shit straight guys say to lesbians” version!
Can I watch? JK.
I’ve slept with a lesbian before.
So you’d be totally hot if you just grew your hair out.
I’ve slept with more girls than you have.
Did some guy just like, really mess you up or something?
Can I watch?
Lesbians are totally hot. Wait, why is that offensive? It’s a compliment!
Have you met my girlfriend?
So, seriously, how do you know when you’re having sex?
Wait, but seriously, I’ll just sit in the corner and not say anything.
Well, if you ever want to switch it up a little bit….you know where to find me.
You just haven’t been with a guy who knows what he’s doing.
How do you feel about video cameras?
Did you ever check out other girls in the shower during gym? Can you tell me about it?
Boobs.
I’m totally cool with lesbians. I watch a lot of your porn!
ALL OF THIS!!!!
ah, but you can’t have that, because things are only silly and ridiculous when GIRLS say shit.
Boobs
“Iāve slept with more girls than you have.” Yes! I’ve had this one a lot.
The other day I got: “You’ve probably slept with more girls than I have”. I replied in a Daria-like voice, “I have”. Dude looked super disturbed.
“When you and your girlfriend have sex, you have sex. But when me and my girlfriend have sex, she gets laaaaaiiiiiid.”
(Direct quote)
wow. did you like, pat him on the back or anything? I think he needed that.
So, you’re a girl, and you’re into girls, does that mean you find yourself hot? Like, is feeling up your own boobs as fun as feeling up someone elses???
Me: “I’m just a masculine girl, you know?”
Well-meaning acquaintance: “Omigod don’t say that! You are SO pretty! All you need to do is change your hair a little, start wearing makeup, maybe wear lighter colors…”
oh my god my face during that convo. Masculine is suddenly bad? Who’s the alleged man-hater here? (Been called that too, not by the same person, thank god.)
After having a long rant about her male friend who is an asshole:
*serious, contemplative voice* “Sometimes, I really think I should just turn lez.”
Every time!!
Also: (expecting me to be excited) “Hey hey I’ve been wanting to tell you I made out with a girl last week!! It was really fun but not as good as with my boyfriend.”
Awesome video :D
“You soooo don’t look like a lesbian!”, or “Do you wanna make out/we should totally make out/why don’t you wanna make out with me??”, lol.
“Haven’t you tried having sex with guys? How can you know if you don’t try?”
To which I reply, “Yes, I have, not my cup of tea. Have you tried sex with a women? How can you know if you don’t try?”
me at a bar, drunk and tired of getting hit on by creeper: “I also haven’t fucked a donkey. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be into that either.”
I’m using this.
the best one I got a couple of weeks ago was – and this was one sentence, no sign of any interpunction whatsoever: “I like your hair I’M NOT A LESBIAN OR ANYTHING.”
she tried to explain to me how she liked my new hairstyle but wasn’t hitting on me for what felt like five whole minutes.
until I just said: “No homo!”
What a lesbian.
I was initially ambivalent about these videos. But then I realized, this is really a great way to explain microagressions without having to explain what microagression is.
Too many people don’t realize that the stuff they say has been said a million times and the person they’re saying it to has probably heard it dozens of times…maybe in one day. And then they wonder why you’re irritated. Then they get defensive when you try to explain. These videos just bypass all that and get right to the point.
My personal favorite, I can’t believe I forgot:
“So would it be cheating on your girlfriend if you slept with a guy? . . . But why? . . . Okay, what if SHE slept with a guy? . . . I just don’t understand how that would be cheating. Sex with guys is different from what you, you know, do.”
The best part was the “are you drunk…?”
Friend: “Cool because you’re pretty and I don’t have to worry about you being in competition :D”
*At some bar some of men hit one me/offer to buy me drinks*
Friend: “OMFG you are lying about being gay you have the attention of every guy at this bar ugbggggghhghghhh! Are you using this to get attention!?!”
At that point I was just like “I don’t about you but although I’m gay I’m still sexy *takes shot* SHEEEIIIIT! *snaps*
What about shit straight guys say to lesbians? I have a guy friend that I think just thinks of me as another guy friend. Which is okay up to the point where he starts making penis jokes. He’s just trying to be funny, but I don’t think he gets that I can’t relate.
I’m waiting for this one.
I don’t think straight girls know what scissoring is.
I believe they think it’s a crafting technique.
Oh what’s that crafting thing people would do at summer camp when they make bracelets of “intense platonic female love” (this is usually made for/by your your good-looking bunk-mate that does not believe in bras)???
You know it grrl – wouldn’t be summer camp without some crafty scissoring sessions ;)
strictly platonic, of course..
That’s when I learned how to loop swoop and pull with my *coughlegscough* stings :D
*STRINGS, yes strings
Effing hilarious!!!
Scissoring!
What happened with “so, who’s the boy in the relationship?”
My favorite: “I don’t think you’re a lesbian, because you’re not manly like [person]. Also, you like pretty girls. You’re obviously bisexual.”
(The logic was strong with this one)
My second favorite: “It’s obviously just a phase. You’ll grow out of it.”
My mom: “Is it because of the roller derby?”
BEST.
It’s not exactly something they SAY, but how annoying is it when two straight girls decide to be “in a relationship” or “married” on Facebook?
There should be a word for that little flicker of hope followed by anger and sullenness when you see, “*Straight girl* is in a relationship with *straight girl.”
You know, it’s a funny joke, right? Because it’s like they’re gay?
You just explained my “ish” in college…
I CAN’T EVEN!!!!
UGH YES.
What is really sad is that I participated in this shit knowing that I am gay as a skip on a sunny day. Good news the person I did this with did become my ex-gf in college…again ughh college :DDDD
as a person who is online-married to a straight girl, I am torn about this one. it started as an inside-joke between us and a couple of friends, and I mostly see it as a way to have a slightly inaccurate facebook profile. I also find it rather amusing that since we got “married”, she gets advertising for rainbow jewelry and gay cruises.
I find it way more disturbing that my cousins 18/19-year-old (female) friends post pictures of themeselves in little clothing/really high heels and that this growing up with facebook thing is turning into something that makes teenage girls take professional yet exploitive pictures and post them online and then wait for likes and comments to get approval.
yeah, because at 24, you remember the days when you had to stay still for an hour in order to take a picture of your exposed ankle
I beg you pardon. How is this about me being 24 now?
I am still very excited about the fact that someone obviously misread my above comment [left a snarky comment and never explained it] as something it was not, which is:
a) me looking down on 18/19 year olds
b) me thinking I am “so much older” at 24
c) me making fun of “the youth of today”
when in fact it was about the self-representation of women in our society, women seeing themselves through the male gaze and the role the internet/facebook plays in this.
and no, when I was 18, facebook wasn’t around. and I am happy about it. because at 24, I am already leaving too much content there, and it would have been more if I’d had it at 18. We did too much stupid stuff on the internet, left too much information about ourselves at teens anyways.
before that, I purchased some rather delightful paintings of my legs.
I guess mainly what bugs me is that I’ve spent so much of my life feeling really lonely, like really, most of the time I’ve been the only queer girl I knew (EVEN AT MY WOMEN’S COLLEGE WHAT THE FUCK).
So it was that moment, you know? Like, it got me EVERY TIME–a little surge of hope that maybe I’m not alone anymore, followed by the swift realization that it was just a joke. I don’t know, possibly people who can be that emotionally affected by Facebook just shouldn’t be on Facebook?
Anyway, my skin has thickened up over time and now I pretty much assume all same-sex relationship updates are jokes unless proven otherwise (you notice it’s never hetero couples making that joke? like, my best friend is a dude, and we’d never have the freedom to make a fake relationship update because everyone would assume I’d gone straight).
And that’s created some awkward moments too, like when a close friend started dating his boyfriend.
So, like, I get that it’s not malicious, and I’m totally not judging.
I know, right? Most disappointing girls’ school ever! It had a reputation as a finishing school for young ladies until pretty recently. The kind of place you send your daughter to get a degree so she’ll be respectable when you marry her off? I dunno, it’s a great school but not a very gay one.
I was going to say “But does the same thing go for me(queer gal) and my best pal(boy homo) being married on fb?” And then I was like “Lol no because we’re just, like, deconstructing the construct of marriage through our being cis-het- seeming folk, when really we’re both homosexuals who like to fist fuck.
I enjoyed this!
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My friend recently:
“So…in lesbian sex, you never have a vaginal orgasm, right?”
I was also asked to give a detailed analysis of what pussy tastes like.
and…
“So…do you actually enjoy going down on other girls?”
Well, you know, vaginas are like disgusting. Sooo…. ew.
I have one of these living in an apartment across the street from me. It’s not cute after 4 years of being in the same social circle.
“OH YEAH. What about babies then?! Turkey baster.. that’s a real thing right?”
“Ohhh I went to school with/work with/know a lesbian… Maybe I can hook you guys up?” AKA “Yeah, I know of them… Lesbians.”
“Yeah but I’ve noticed that when we go out and arrogant, sleazy guys hit on you, you get really annoyed. Maybe if you met a guy who was nicer and more sensitive…”
Response: “Ah hell no.”
Oh god, the turkey baster jokes. Not even remotely funny.
I went ahead and made the “shit straight guys say… to lesbians” one! It’s not as high quality as this one, but it’s exactly what you’d expect. A lady dressed as a creepy auto mechanic, sounding douchey.
That’s so funny!! good job!!
“Lesbians think more like men, and are more logical than women.” (‘Cause we’re not women?)
Things my straight twin sister says to me:
“So…your girlfriend is the butch then, right?”
“Have you had, like, sex? REALLY?! Do you use…you know…*whispers* vibrators? Because I totally have some of those, too.”
“My friend can’t wait to have you and [girlfriend] stay at his house. I mean, he likes you a lot…but mostly, he’s excited to have two lesbians sleep over. It’ll be great!”
“This is a phase, right? Because I like [girlfriend] a lot, but I picture you marrying a guy.”
“Wait, what’s ‘LGBT’?”
On Valentine’s Day: “…how do you know which one of you is supposed to buy flowers?”
And the list goes on.
http://www.onemorelesbian.com/shit-straight-girls-say-to-lesbians.html
this one is pretty funny too :)
I’ve gotten…
“I really wish you were a guy.” or “I would totally date you if you were a boy.”
And…
“So…I don’t get it. How does sex work for you guys?”
Whoa, I was watching this on Youtube yesterday and thought it would be cool to see on Autostraddle. And it’s here! You are obvs psychic.
Best one yet, shit gay guys say to their cats
Lmfao the one question that I’ve heard a lot is would u fuck me? just cause I’m a lesbian doesn’t mean I want to fingerblast every girl smh Haha but I loved the what’s it taste like ?? My respond would’ve been skittles so come taste my rainbow LOL
TheyĀ“re missing the most annoying one:
YouĀ“ve never had sex with a man? So then youĀ“re technically a virgin!
My least favorite is when my roommate asks about whatever my plans are for the evening, in those rare cases where I’ve invited her, by cautiously saying “So what kind of thing is this” and I have to say if it’s a “gay thing” or not
My favorite comment that I’ve personally experienced is my straight friend asking her sister “Does this outfit make me look too much like a lesbian?”. However, in hindsight, she did warn me that what she was going to say might be offensive, so I guess I should be grateful for that.
“maybe I am a lesbian you know I think Megan Fox is beatiful!”
Said by a straight friend after she told a few minutes before “eww lesbians are gross!” me “uhm where have you seen a lesbian?” she “on porn!”
Some people are just hopeless.
The since your gay do you think Im pretty question is impossible to answer.
And no I was ADMIRING your boobs
Fanfuckingtastic!!!!
My favorite from my roomate:
“Dude, I hope people don’t think I’m gay because we’re roomates and I don’t have a boyfriend.”
I fucking love Arielle.