Under the hand-held shaky cam, a lightning crash blew street litter and white arms and serious chiffon up the former teen idol’s silhouette to fill the frame with her enormous sweeping asshole. She tensed and fell slack under the blast and just as the cavalry roared in to save this helpless twitching doppelgänger from herself, I hit another paywall. I was blowing through photoshop porn reel fails (cue the opening credits of “Pixie Twins Lost in Europe Pt. 2”) with that hallmark distorted scale — where the foreground hides and flattens famous city skylines. With a soft spot for genuine amateurish production, it doesn’t take sophisticated world-building for me to take the bait and thrash around to a two-minute loop of a suggestive open mouth kiss, but the motion blur of bondage on a child sized replica of the Eiffel tower soured me on the tour guide.
I was on week two of an admittedly half-serious sex challenge after a delicious back and forth with a hypnotist on Lex fizzled abruptly....
You've Reached A+ Content!
Reader support is the cornerstone of our business model and it enables us to keep this site and 99% of our content free for everyone. Although we’d never put up a paywall for anything we know is necessary to our community, we do provide bonus content for A+ members like this post, the A+ member advice column and our monthly behind-the-scenes newsletter. It’s our thank you to the A+ Members who are playing a key role in keeping independent queer media alive.
In 2020, 86% of our support came through readers who enable us to pay the incredible LGBTQ humans who make this community run. Your membership contribution helps us to do this.
You can become a member and join the community that keeps Autostraddle working starting at just $4 a month.
Every member makes a difference when it comes to helping Autostraddle thrive, build queer community, and be here for the next person who needs us.
Already a member? Sign in