Quiz: Which Top Chef Would Chef Top You?

Feature image by Noam Galai / MediaNews Group/Boston Herald / Rick Kern / Kris Connor / Tibrina Hobson / Boston Globe / John Medina / Jason Kempin via Getty Images

Do you believe the myth of top shortage only applies when you’re ISO a Daddy or Mommy? Do you love yelling at cheftestants on cooking shows for forgetting to salt the seafood paella while you slurp your instant ramen? Boy have I got the ultra-specific intersection of delicious and *delicious* for you! Bravo’s Top Chef, long may she reign, is an absolute hotbed of ferocious lesbian activity, and with all that heat in the kitchen competition it’s obvious that the contestants need a way to unwind. If you’re cruising for a bruising, take this quiz to match up with your perfect spatula spanker. After all, every top chef needs a bottom…I mean, sous chef.

What would your personal cooking routines fall apart without?(Required)
Favorite impact toy?(Required)
Choose a loosely culinary-related tattoo:(Required)
Choose a novelty apron:(Required)
How do you let off steam after a long week?(Required)
You won $10,000 in a quickfire challenge! What’s the first thing you splurge on?(Required)
You’re up for elimination at Judge’s Table. How did you get there?(Required)
Choose a song you’d subtly send to your crush because you’re super subtle:(Required)
Choose a dessert:(Required)
What color is your “chef bandana”? *wink wink*(Required)
Choose a movie for date night:(Required)
Choose a US city for a food-fueled vacation:(Required)
Choose the Pride 2022 sponsor:(Required)
Choose a top:(Required)
Where do you get railed after they win Restaurant Wars?(Required)

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Shayna Maci

Shayna Maci Warner (she/hers) is a writer, filmmaker, and pizza wrangler from Northern California, whose work has been featured by GLAAD, the Advocate, teenVogue, and Bi+ Women's Quarterly. You can find her in NYU's Cinema Studies graduate program, or yelling about the cis-hetero patriarchy on the podcast Charmed: A Spellcast.

Shayna has written 5 articles for us.

17 Comments

  2. This is the niche content I come to AS for.

    I got Ashley Merriman and I honestly don’t remember her, although I thought I’d watched every season.

    I like her description:

    A quiet badass in the kitchen and an outspoken critic of heterosexuals (anyone remember her disgust at being made to cater a Vegas bridal/stag party because same), Chef Ashley is the silver fox who will sweep you off your feet when you least expect it.

  4. Kristen Kish TYVM, would have also very happily accepted Samin Nosrat, (probably not a top chef, I’ve never seen top chef, I just love chefs) and that tik tok lesbian chef who looks like she knows how to tie all the good knots! I did not mean that in a dirty way but it looks dirty and I’m leaving it there!

  5. I have no idea about anything from top chef but I got Kristen Kish and I am very pleased with this result.

  9. Do I watch top chef? No.

    Do I want a chef top? Absolutely.

    In short, this quiz spoke to me on a very deep level.

Comments are closed.