If I were a character in a horror movie, I’d probably die in the first act. I don’t even think the kill would be all that interesting. Let’s put it this way: As a child, I was so scared/anxious during games of tag that if the person who was “it” got even remotely close to me, I would just stop running altogether and say “OK YOU CAN TAG ME I’M IT OK!” That’s the energy I’m bringing to a horror movie, ok? Just like “yeah ok you can stab me I give up this is too stressful.”
Wanna know how YOU would fare in a horror film? Take the quiz below if you dare!
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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.
Kayla has written 916 articles for us.
Predictably, I got ‘the nerd.’ Thank you Kayla!
lol i love that this seems to be a popular result!!
I’m the killer?
I’m “the Know-It-All-Nerd” with the usual impeccable timing…
You simply love to have a relevant fact for all situations. Sadly, you’re not making it out of this cabin alive either, and your death is probably going to happen right after the moment you finally muster the courage to tell your crush your true feelings.
Argh
everyone loves a fun fact!!
The wise elder!
This makes sense, I’m too genre savvy to do too much, but my friends would get me killed anyway lol
lol
FINAL GIRL!!! 🙌🏼
Congratulations for making it out alive 😭 That’s impressive!
Like commenter Shura below, I got creeped out just reading some of the questions 😱 Total chicken over here! Idk how I made it out alive Lololol
i wish i was a final girl!!!!!
I got The Know-It-All Nerd (and you’re dead, but you lasted a while)
a very respectable result tbh
Me tooo
Can we just take a moment to appreciate the brilliance of this Choose Your Own Adventure novel and personality quiz rolled into one?
I got the Creepy Child, and yes I will be sitting quietly in the corner at all your cabin parties saying cryptic things to myself, what of it
Yes!!! This is some top notch work, Kayla!
Kayla: You all meet at a cabin, aka a tavern. Do you…
Me: End the session and play Star Frontiers instead.
thank you!!!!! i honestly wanna make more “choose your own adventure” style quizzes now!!
the know-it-all nerd. yep, of course that’s me.
every horror movie needs a nerd!
<3
Shocked but pleased to learn I’m the final girl, especially considering I got mildly creeped out just reading some of these prompts (I am SUCH a weenie about horror)
Nice, looks like it pays off to be cautious !!
Same here !
I almost thought I wouldn’t be able to finish the quiz I was so creeped out!
But at least I would be able to finish the movie, too bad “be traumatized forever and become a recluse” wasn’t an option for the last question because that’s how I can see myself “celebrating” survival.
I was looking for that option too! Haha
This was the exact response I was searching for too. Although I would add to that the avoidance of reminders so definitely not going to set up my hermit lifestyle in a cabin in the woods.
And eventually start to work through the fact I have PTSD from being a final girl.
Me too!
listen, being scared is actually a good thing in a horror movie!!!
I’m the killer?!
BAAAHAHAHAHHAHA 😂😂🤣🤣 I’m sorry Ro, idk why this just tickles me 😂
The fact that you question it makes me think you totally are the killer. OR ARE YOU????
Yes. Yes you are.
lol!!!!!!! 💀 i’m fascinated by people who get this result!!!!
Is the Killer a result for misfits? People that don’t fit in are often ostracized, and those on the outside aren’t understood. People fear what they can’t understand. Only criteria that would result in that archetype, unless murderous intent was implicit in my choices… Oh gods… What if it was?! 🤯
Final Girl :>
i’m a know-it-all nerd who wishes she was a final girl 😞
It’s true, I am a creepy child. And feeling very seen by the option to go back down to the basement and get the creepy doll.
listen…who doesn’t love a creepy doll!!!
Final girl!
!!
The Wise Elder. I do possess a lot of common sense, making me think I would have booked it after seeing the cabin for the first time.
the thing about the wise elder is that you ALMOST survive. if everyone else listened to you, then you’d all live!!!!!
I do need to work on my communication skills. Or hang out with people who are willing to listen to me.
This was brilliant even though I’m the goofy stoner (and dead).
the “goofy stoner” has a special place in my heart
I came home from practice, took this quiz, and got… The Jock. I am still in my workout clothes! Am I in a movie about a sentient, malevolent internet quiz? Oh well, at least I’ll get to make out with my hot girlfriend before checking out the noise in the basement and getting electrocuted by the router.
the dream!!!!!!!
Know it all nerd, though let’s be real I’m not going to any cabin ever with anyone
fair
The Wise Elder.
Now that I see Final Girl and The Killer are choices, I’m wondering how hard it is to figure out the choices that will get those…
the killer is a rare result!
I just tried it and got the killer right away! With my “real” answers I’m the goofy stoner though >_< not my fav stock character but the description tracks!
Know-It-All-Nerd. Color me shocked, just shocked, I say.
I was shocked Evil Dead didn’t make the first horror movie list. Perfect for a cabin in the woods trip.
oooo fair i love evil dead
I’m the know it all nerd. Very true.
That’s why I’m here to tell everyone that a sword is a terrible weapon in a small space like a basement. You can swing an axe much easier since it’s probably smaller, you can pull or push people with it by hooking it around them and you can use the handle in a defensive move. And you can use it to hack yourself out of that basement. You should absolutely pick the axe.
(I’ve never been in a fight in my life and the prediction that I will not make it is also accurate.)
Sure, if you’re talking about swords. But the description is for the “cool sword”, which can hack through anything, if “cool sword” is its real name. Trust me, you’re not hooking anyone with an axe without hacking them first, and frankly, which makes you a killer’s accomplice (maybe if you had a “cool axe” to offset your lack of axe skills… any nerd who plays RPGs would know this).
(I care not for fights and my prediction is a billion percent accurate and nerdier than thou, so :p)
Well, according to your comment below you are a goofy stoner, so I’m not sure if I should believe you ;)
Cool sword to me just means shiny. It doesn’t mean sharp. And if you get it stuck in the ceiling it doens’t matter how cool it is.
I have used an axe before, to cut wood, but at least I have some idea how to hold and aim it. I’ve never held a sword (except for the one I made from cardboard and aluminiumfoil). And you’d of course hook the killer, not your friends, smash them against the door and then incapacitate them.
i love this analysis
Goofy stoner? I wanted to be the nerd! This quiz lies and is totally sus.
we can’t always get what we want!
adored this adventure will be tattooing final girl on my bicep post haste
wow i also need a final girl tattoo
I’m a killer gees wiz
Who da think it.
While I do not actually wish to kill anyone, “the killer” is an accurate result for me on a spiritual level
is there anyway to see the answers? I want to read the blurbs (for all these quizes!!!)
The Jock… “You’re gonna be one of the first few to die” sounds about right.
I definitely relate to Kayaks “yeah ok you can stab me I give up this is too stressful” energy. In fact, on Friday I had to do some plane crash in the Arctic survivor thing at work and I told my group, “surviving sounds like a lot of work, I’ll be curled up in the sleeping bag with the rum and a book hoping the hypothermia comes quick.”
But I got Final Girl.
Wow. I even typed in an apostrophe and still Kayla’s became Kayaks 🤦🏻♂️
Would it be possible to make the movie/show related questions in these quizzes non-compulsory? so that you can skip those? @team
i hardly know any movies/shows (songs neither, but at least those are easier to check on youtube…) so i might be a final girl (or whatever) but my poor choices re movie selection skew my results!
i know it’s just for fun and it still frustrates me when i have to make random choices because i loooove quizzes 🥺
ok first of all, i am here for the choose your own adventure, i would read so many of those! secondly, i am VERY MAD that i am not the “nerd who assists final girl” and somehow instead got hot cheerleader! who is DEAD! AVENGE MY POM POMS, FINAL GIRLS
hot cheerleader but I’m dead damn
Goofy Stoner over here! (Says the girl who’s never smoked weed 😳 )
I got the “Final Girl”, yes I will survive.
I got “The Final Girl”!!!!!
I made myself scared by doing this quiz!
goofy stoner makes sense