It’s Aries season, and I have accordingly chosen violence with this “personality” quiz in which you will pretend you are getting ready for a beach day by answering a series of straightforward questions and then I will drag some aspect of your whole vibe by imagining what your hypothetical friends are saying behind your back in a hypothetical other group chat. Is this quiz mean-spirited? YES! But in like a cute and fun way, and also if you can’t handle it, just don’t take the quiz! But seriously, you should take the quiz, because sometimes it’s fun to be made fun of — or do I just think that because I’m a bottom?
A n y w a y, happy Aries season! You’re going to the beach! But your friends have something they’re saying about you. Find out what it is!
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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.
Kayla has written 814 articles for us.
“Your friends are talking about how you always spoil movies/tv in casual conversation.”
I’ve been dragged and I’m loving it!
Unless it’s cishet media centering white men (so 90%?)–then others may talk about it and I don’t care if they spoil it ’cause I’m probably not watching it!
“Your friends are talking about your refusal to watch or read anything deemed “popular” or “mainstream.”
Like, we get it!!!! You’re cool! You’re alt! You’re edgy! But you don’t have to REMIND us that you’re not participating in the popular culture du jour. You can just not participate in silence.”
this is…. true 😂 and they were baffled when they learned that i did indeed occasionally watch a very mundane very mainstream show for divertissement 😂
assigned spoiler friend by autostraddle quiz lmao
“Your friends are talking about your tendency to leave a function without saying goodbye.”
Look, I see you, because I am you. Maybe try practicing the art of an intentional farewell instead of ghosting your own damn friends. Or maybe not, I literally cannot judge you, because again, this is me.
Yeah, they almost certainly are. I used to disappear in the middle of conversations if my friends had turned to talk to someone else for a second.
“Your friends are talking about your tendency to “fall in love” with every hot person you meet.”
“You are a hopeless romantic, and your friends have taken notice. Every new person you match with on the apps is the person of your dreams. Every barista who’s nice to you could be The One. Your friends have a hard time keeping track of who you’re dating, but they love your love of love…most of the time!”
Spotify also called my music taste hopelessly romantic last year… so I’d say this tracks.
“Your friends are talking about your tendency to change your entire personality after watching one (1) Netflix documentary.”
“Love your passion, but it’s hard to keep up babe!!!! Are you vegan now? Flexitarian? Anti-car? Anti-pet ownership? Just link us the doc instead of narrating the entire thing at brunch.”
Uhhh…I…nah I actually don’t have a defense for this one. If you swap out ‘Netflix’ for ‘Substack essay or podcast’ you’ve basically defined my personality for the past 3 years. What can I say? I get emotionally invested in nonfiction goddammit, I can’t help it!
“you always spoil movies/tv”
Ehh, so recently I was telling housmates who weren’t done watching the “League of Their Own” series, “Hey, I know that two episodes back to back is the right length for house movie night, but maybe plan to watch episodes 6 and 7 back to back, instead of 5 and 6.” Which I think is more public service than spoiling.
“You are the friend who has an aversion to replying to texts.”
Ummm yes? That is 100% true.
“Your friends are talking about your tendency to “fall in love” with every hot person you meet.”
Indeed.
Those are some witchy powers you have, Kayla…
“Your friends are talking about your tendency to “fall in love” with every hot person you meet.”
“You are a hopeless romantic, and your friends have taken notice. Every new person you match with on the apps is the person of your dreams. Every barista who’s nice to you could be The One. Your friends have a hard time keeping track of who you’re dating, but they love your love of love…most of the time!”
*Something…something…bisexual chaos…something*
Once again, Kayla/Autostraddle is calling me out. Oh well.
“Your friends are talking about how brunch is always YOUR idea but then you always cancel last minute.
Like you came up with the plan! Everyone agreed to a time and place! And then you ALWAYS bail last second? And then still keep proposing last-minute hangs even though you are a repeat canceler? Choose one or the other; you can’t be the impulsive planner AND the impulsive canceler!”
OH GOD THIS IS EXACTLY ME!!!!!!! Kayla, whatever deal with Satan you’ve struck, it was 100% worth it because your witching powers are second to none
LOLLLLL
Fall in love with every hot person…
Nah. Not me.
I haven’t been in love since like 2014
How is this quiz this accurate? I really don’t reply to texts or take forever to reply xD
ok yall literally STOP because i know my answers did not even relate to my HISTORICAL PATTERN of “falling in love with every hot person i meet”!!! #seen
like i know that pattern has surfaced again when my friend came to my birthday party lookn 2hot2bThere and ever since then (about 2 weeks ago hahah) ive had a lil crush but I KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW so no worries yknow! just lil traumatized moi attaching myself to a STUNNER 😻😻😻
from my SHADY result, it says “your friends have a hard time keeping track of who you’re dating” well let me tell you, my mum also has a hard time with it!
ive got less than a month left in my “no-dating” self-agreement and golly i may even xtend it so lets hit the beach, grrls! you got any cute friends you wanna invite?!
I don’t know which one of my friends put you up to this, but no, you can’t shame me into replying to texts.
As an Aries who lives near the beach I was thrilled by this beach. As someone who proudly announced not watching Game of Thrones I feel called out by “Your friends are talking about your refusal to watch or read anything deemed “popular” or “mainstream.” I’m much better about this now than I was as a teen acting above Fall Out Boy. I’ll watch mainstream stuff now…if it’s gay or my girlfriend puts it on!