Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, a one hour excuse for me to eat Annie’s macaroni and cheese and email with Intern Grace.
Last week Mona gayed out for Hanna by confessing to Wilden’s murder. Other than that it was pretty effing boring. Actually the last four episodes have been snoozeville without any Paige action. This week, thank goddess, Paige is finally back and she’s throwing a surprise birthday party for Emily! A high stress night where every teenager in Rosewood attends? What could possibly go wrong?!
We open on the Rosewood police department where Mona is being interrogated for consistently dressing like a middle-aged country clubber who just killed her much older husband. Just kidding, we all know she’s being interrogated for confessing to Wilden’s murder. I have no clue if Mona is innocent or guilty, but at least she’s giving the police a good show.
![He didn't understand me like you do!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00004.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
He didn’t understand me like you do!
Mona explains that she heard Wilden say he was nervous Garret would tell the truth about The Night Alison Saw Everyone And Did Everything And Died (Maybe). She tells the police she didn’t go to them because she thought she would get in trouble for sneaking out of Radley.
![Go get my progeny Hanna and bring her to me.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00005.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Go get Hanna and bring her to me.
That’s right. Even if everything else is bullshit Mona owned up to at least one lie. For this reason I’d better just list this out as Shit Mona Confessed to the Police because otherwise we’ll never get through Mona’s confession and onto the Gay Stuff. And there really is gay stuff this episode.
Shit Mona Confessed to the Police:
1. Mona shot Wilden two times in self defense
2. Wilden killed Garret
3. Wilden was trying to pin Alison’s murder on the Liars
4. Mona tried to blackmail Wilden
5. Mona confessed to keep Ashley out of prison
Of course, the police officer never asks what happened to Ali that Mona might know about. Who knows? Maybe Mona would have said that she and Ali were secretly carrying on a torrid vampire love affair.
![And she had the softest lips I've ever tasted.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00006.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
And she had the softest lips I’ve ever tasted.
Across town, Hanna and Spencer lie around amongst cardboard boxes and Pottery Barn couches waiting for news.
![Life is so hard.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00010.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Oh to be young, pretty and have unlimited access to a Restoration Hardware
Laywer Mistress Hastings comes in and announces that some of what Mona has been saying contradicts the evidence and therefore everyone thinks she’s full of shit. Good thing none of the girls were involved in this. Oh wait. Of course Hanna was.
![Oh you've got to be kidding me. Four seasons and this shit is still going on?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00012.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. Four seasons and this shit is still going on?
Spencer calls Aria to fill her in on the new details. To exactly no one’s surprise Sensei Hot Stuff stayed the night. Of course, he stayed on the couch because you wouldn’t want to upset the Ezaria fans. Or the Religious Right.
![I'm not sure about our relationship, but I think if I play my cards right I'll be able get a dick pic.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00026.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Hold on a second. I just need to open the camera app. I think I can get a dick pic.
Aria tries to tell Sensei to GTFO but he just wants to get brunch and stare longingly into each other’s eyes and maybe adopt a cat or two. Oh god, another lesbian. Except this one is a lesbian chimp.
![Can we name our cat banana? I love bananas.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00031.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Can we name our cat banana? I love bananas.
Elsewhere, Emily and Paige finally give their relationship a little TLC and, more importantly, a little screen time. Paige thinks Mona totally killed Wilden because Paige has that tendency to hop on whatever A of the week is most obviously just a misdirection.
![Maybe Spider Man killed Jenny. Did you ever think of that? No. No one ever thinks of that.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00033.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Maybe Spider Man killed Jenny. Did you ever think of that? No. No one ever thinks of that.
Also Paige wants to plan Emily a birthday party! Did you know time passes on this show? Girls actually get older and have birthdays and everything! This is indeed a rare occasion!
![WITH ANAL.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00037.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
WITH MY HITACHI MAGIC WAND!
Page also got Emily a classic lesbian birthday gift: something weird, overbearing, moderately invasive and borderline critical.
![Is this a new set of kegal balls?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00044.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Is this a new set of kegal balls?
No it’s not an entirely new wardrobe, it’s a consulting session with one of the best swim trainers in the world. You know, even though Emily can’t really swim anymore.
![This gift if like our love. If you don't appreciate it then you probably don't appreciate me.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00052.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
This gift if like our love. If you don’t appreciate it then you probably don’t appreciate me.
C’mon Paige, you can do better than that. Would an overly sentimental and engraved promise ring have been too hard?
![If you don't like it I'll totally return it. And then kill myself.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00051.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
If you don’t like it I’ll totally return it. And then kill myself.
Paige wants Emily to take a year off to rehab and train so she can actually go to a college she wants to on a swim scholarship. It’s actually a pretty solid plan until Paige inserts herself into the plan. Ah, I see now, Paige wants Emily to follow her to the San Francisco Gay Area to frolic in the sunlight forever. Classic lesbian pre-college move.
![And then we can scissor off into the sunset.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00053.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
And then we can scissor off into the sunset.
Over at The Life Cafe, Sensei Hot Stuff orders Aria a large triple shot extra-hot half-caf soy mocha with whipped cream. It’s probably delicious. Unfortunately, Aria can’t focus on Sensei or her large triple shot extra-hot half-caf soy mocha with whipped cream because all she can do is stare at Maggie Mac and Ezra chatting in the corner.
![Girl in the back left is totally hungover. She understands me.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00058.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Girl in the back left is totally hungover. She understands me.
Someone needs to put another coffee shop in this town, clearly everyone in Rosewood drinks coffee all the time. Ezra, of course, can’t focus on Maggie Mac telling him that she got accepted into grad school. All he can do is stare daggers at Sensei and plot his revenge.
![The only thing ruder would be taking out his cell phone to play candy crusher](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00059.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Oh man that large triple shot extra-hot half-caf soy mocha with whipped cream looks so fucking good.
Of course, he just about does a spit take when Maggie Mac tells him the grad program is at Wash U. Looks like she’s taking Malcolm across the country. She also got a new haircut but that doesn’t come up. This show is officially unrealistic.
![I never should have worn this butt plug in public.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00060.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I never should have worn this butt plug in public.
Over at Rosewood Federal Correctional Facility, Ashley, Hanna and Mistress Layer Hastings hash out the recent events. Looks like Mona’s confession created enough doubt in the judge’s mind that they’ve set bail for Ashley to come home! Hooray! Unfortunately, they haven’t dropped the charges. Plus bail is set at ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
![Would I get to continue rooming with Alex Vause?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00087.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Would I get to continue rooming with Alex Vause?
FYI I realized I didn’t know what bail actually was, so I looked it up. It’s like a deposit you give to the prosecutors so they know you will show up to trial. But usually you don’t have to pay all of it. Also, a million dollars is pretty typical for murder.
![I'm typical?!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00084.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I’m typical?!
Starsweep across town to the most modern/ art deco olympic swimming training center of all time conveniently located in Rosewood, Pennsylvania. Emily meets with Mr. Super Trainer at his super fly facility. There are girls in swimsuits mulling about and even though I disagree with the sexualization of women when their bodies are exposed for non-sexual reasons such as athletic competition: hawt.
![You like the bodies on the girls in here?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00093.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
You like the bodies on the girls in here?
Mr. Super Trainer: Let me tell you a little about how I run things. We work out six days per week. Four hours in the pool, one hour of weight training. I also monitor what you eat, drink and how much you sleep. Have I scared you yet?
I’m not scared but I feel like I could use this guy in my life. I sleep like 4 hours per night, I haven’t worked out in a year and I just ate a grape off the floor. Although I am generally creeped out by the overzealous man coaching teen girls trope.
![If this is going to turn into something weird then I'm getting the fuck out of this story line.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00097.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
If this is going to turn into something weird then I’m getting the fuck out of this story line.
Starsweep to the neighborhood hiking grounds where Hanna takes an oddly located phone call with her father. She wants him to put up 10% of the ONE MILLION DOLLARS of her mother’s bail. That would be like $100,000 or like two years of med school! Based on Hanna’s crying her father just doesn’t want to front money.
![But if I don't have the money how the hell am I going to be a doctor?!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00108.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
But if I don’t have the money how the hell am I going to be a doctor?!
Hanna is approached by exactly who you would want to see when crying about your imprisoned mother: her boyfriend/pastor, Ted! Pastor Ted explains that he left messages and can’t figure out why the hell Ashley didn’t call him back. I mean, he knows she’s in prison but still, that’s just rude.
![You look like you could use a dose of softball for god.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00109.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
You look like you could use a dose of softball for god.
Actually he’s really worried about Hanna and Ashley and says the kind of nice things that people say when they’re generally good people who are also involved in organized religion.
![It's call "The Patriarchy" and I run it.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00117.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
It’s call “The Patriarchy” and I run it.
Hanna tells Pastor Ted that Caleb is selling his car to help raise money, because Caleb’s whole world is Hanna, but it won’t be nearly enough money! Maybe they should have a bake sale. Or a kissing booth. That’s what they always do on Glee.
![THE AUTOSTRADDLE STORY](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00120.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
THE AUTOSTRADDLE STORY
Over at Ezra’s Love Studio he and Maggie Mac discuss her upcoming visit to Oregon. She needs to find an apartment and such. Ezra volunteers to take Malcolm. First for the weekend and then… for forever. You see he saw this show called The Fosters and learned all about good parenting. He figures he should be fine.
![What's the worst that could happen? It's not like I could sleep with ANOTHER sixteen year old!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00129.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like I could sleep with ANOTHER sixteen year old!
Maggie Mac basically says no fucking way bro, back the fuck off my kid.
![This is a Mom Face.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00125.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
This is a Mom Face.
Starsweep to Rosewood High where Spencer and Aria stalk the halls preying on unsuspecting young girls, luring them in to the lesbian lifestyle with their sweet kisses and– wait. I think that was my dream last night. Actually they’re just discussing how Mona is so totally out to screw them over in the long run.
![Oh right, like you've never been to third base with a girl.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00131.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Oh right, like you’ve never been to third base with a girl.
Spencer: When has Mona ever done something out of the goodness of her heart?
Aria pulls out of her locker a picture of Emily and Paige. She just keeps a copy in there, you know, for private moments.
![The Gaybies Of Rosewood Swimsuit Calendar](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00136.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
The Gaybies Of Rosewood Swimsuit Calendar
This time, though, Aria has a framed copy that she’s going to give to Emily for her birthday at Emily’s upcoming super double extra secret birthday party thrown by one Miss Paige McCullers.
![And next you'll be telling me that Miley Cyrus is just a straight ally.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00139.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
And next you’ll be telling me that Miley Cyrus is just a straight ally.
The two turn the corner and see the one and only Jenna Marshall gaying out with Shana lezzie style in the courtyard.
![Rosewood. Every corner you turn around there's another set of high school lesbians doing it.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00141.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Rosewood. Every corner you turn around there’s another set of high school lesbians doing it.
Between hand holdings, promising to be together forever, and discussing in vitro options, the two also mention that Jenna feels like she should have “told the police about Ali.” Shana’s like, “But why?! Lying is working so well!” She’s wrong.
![I can't do fisting! It's just too many fingers!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00147.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I can’t do fisting! It’s just too many fingers!
Starsweep to the Marin household where to trumpet flares Ashley returns home looking as glowing as the day she was born. Prison was good to her.
![When you're a middle class white lady it's just like an enforced diet!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00159.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
When you’re a middle class white lady it’s just like an enforced diet!
Ashley also has a great new accessory: an ankle monitor! Womp womp.
![An-kle. By Gucci.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00161.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
An-kle. By Gucci.
![Do you know about this shoe Orange is the New Black? Girls do all sort of crazy things together in prison.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00170.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Do you know about this show Orange is the New Black? Girls do all sort of crazy things together in prison.
![And I liked it!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00172.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
And I liked it!
Back over at the Mega Gym, Emily and Mr. Super Trainer watch her recruitment video. Mr. Super Trainer is unimpressed. Emily might think she’s hot shit but he says she’s nothing but cold potato unless she starts training ASAP.
![You may have been the hottest dyke in town in Rosewood but at Mount Holyoke you'll be just another fish in the pond.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00179.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
You may have been the hottest dyke in town in Rosewood but at Smith you’ll be just another fish in the pond.
![What about Bryn Mawr? or Smith? There too?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00181.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
What about Bryn Mawr? Or Vassar? There too?
![You may have been the hottest dyke in town in Rosewood but at Mount Holyoke you'll be just another fish in the pond.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00182.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Even at Mount Holyoke.
Emily points out she has to let her shoulder heal. Looks like Paige didn’t tell Mr. Super Trainer that part. He’s basically like, “Move the fuck on with your life because you are not going to be a champion swimmer by next year.”
![I thought I had more time...](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00183.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I thought I had more time…
Emily’s dreams are basically dashed. It’s sad.
![THIS SAD.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/sad_kitten.jpg?resize=250%2C250)
THIS SAD.
Teleport across town to Paige’s aunt’s lake house, where Aria and Spencer are in new outfits but having the same conversation. Blah blah blah Jenna, blah blah blah why is she so fishy blah blah blah shiny hair. Also TobAy is in New York tracking down some apartment which turns out to have a PO Box that redirects to Philly. I have no idea what they’re talking about which means this show is officially too confusing. Also isn’t this exact same story line happening on Twisted?
![Can you follow this shit?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00187.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Can you follow this shit?
Paige shows up and is all frazzled that the Liars aren’t doing more to prep for Emily’s Surprise Super Sweet Eighteen.
![Do you guys like this outfit? Lizz told me it was Lesbian Birthday Chic on this website Autostraddle Dot Com.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00191.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Do you guys like this outfit? Lizz told me it was Lesbian Birthday Chic on this website Autostraddle Dot Com.
Side note. When I was in high school this really cool popular gay guy in my class held a birthday party at the rollerskating rink for his 18th birthday and filmed it to cut together into a YouTube video. He called it his Super Sweet Skateen. I think that’s what Paige should have done for Emily. If she really cared about her at all.
![Super Sweet Skateen. Fuck. Why didn't I think of that?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00195.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Super Sweet Skateen. Fuck. Why didn’t I think of that?
Paige is in a pre-party panic that is so adorable I wish I could bottle it and use it as a perfume to attract girls at Dyke Night. To make matters worse, Spencer and Aria want Paige to invite Shana in hopes that she’ll drag Jenna along. Everyone wants a word with Jenna.
![Well I guess we'll just have to go back to my original theme of Cake And Fingerblasting.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00192.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Well I guess we’ll just have to go back to my original theme of Cats And Fingerblasting.
While Spencer plans her Jenna conversation, her mother has a very different conversation. Ezra has stopped by to ask for legal advice about Malcolm and Maggie Mac. No one explains how the hell Ezra knows Mistress Lawyer Hastings. Aren’t there other lawyers in town? It makes no sense — he’s just Spencer’s English teacher.
![**Speaks in Parseltongue**](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00201.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
**Speaks in Parseltongue**
Unfortunately Mistress Lawyer Hastings says that Ezra doesn’t have much of a chance. He’s not on Malcolm’s birth certificate and he hasn’t been present in Malcolm’s life.
![Other lawyers you say? In the city of Rosewood? Here?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00199.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Other lawyers you say? In the city of Rosewood? Here?
Back over at The Party, the house is filling up with rambunctious teens. Emily’s high school must be a lot like mine because it looks like she just got even more popular when she came out. Who are all these kids? Did Pam approve them!?
![Vag Bash 2013](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00203.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Vag Bash 2013
Everyone goes to hide, in preparation for Emily’s arrival, when Aria spots Sensei Hot Stuff with a cute blonde girl. I wish she had made a scene but instead she just hides and turns off the lights.
![In which Aria preps for her new sexploitation film where she plays a sexy ninja](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00212.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
In which Aria preps for her new sexploitation film where she plays a sexy ninja
Emily walks in and is clearly pissed at Paige for not telling Mr. Super Trainer about her torn rotator cuff. She gives the best pissed-off-at-your-partner face ever.
![Who's ready for fingerbanging!?!?!?!!!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00216.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Who’s ready for fingerbanging!?!?!?!!!
![Don't Piss Off Your Girlfriend.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00217.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Not Emily.
Then everyone yells surprise.
![And we all practiced Jazz Hands!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00221.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
And we all practiced Jazz Hands!
Emily is not thrilled.
![Cake and Fingerblasting themed again?!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00222.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Cats and Fingerblasting themed again?!
Emily makes polite small talk with her guests and terse faces at Paige until Aria finally comes to whisk Emily away. She fills her in about how they’ve co-opted her birthday as an excuse to track down and interrogate Jenna. Happy Birthday indeed.
![I hear Jenna has teeth inside her vagina.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00229.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I hear Jenna has teeth inside her vagina.
Outside the party, Jenna and Shana sit in a super nice convertible. Jenna is pissed they even have to attend this po-dunk party, but Shana is really excited about the opportunity to hold hands and hang out with some other dykes. Also she thinks her swim coach is going to be there and so she has to go.
![It's Gayse Lightening](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00237.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
It’s Gayse Lightening
It’s annoying that Jenna is acting like a scared puppy dog about being blind again. She was so confident and, honestly, terrifying when she was blind before. There’s no reason she should suddenly need to clumsily hold onto Shana’s shoulder. She was self-sufficient and awesome once and she will be blind and self-sufficient again because, regardless of her sight, Jenna is a BAMF.
![And if you come in and make nice for a whole hour I will so go down on you later.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00240.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
And if you come in and make nice for a whole hour I will so go down on you later.
Inside the party Aria mopes around softly singing Taylor Swift songs to herself and staring at Sensei Hot Stuff and his hot hot date.
![I think this happened in the "You Belong With Me" music video.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00254.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
You know she’s the slutty slutty no good slutty enemy because she has breasts and blonde hair.
How dare he arrive with another girl after Aria made it perfectly clear that she has no interest in him.
![Drinking makes the feels go away.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00245.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Drinking makes the feels go away.
In back of the lake house, Emily sulks on the dock. Emily is so good at sulking. Paige comes outside to see what is wrong, and you know before they even start talking this is gonna be a shitfest.
![In which Emily masters lesbian posture.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00261.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I just feel like sometimes it would be nice to switch it up and have you strap on for a change.
Emily asks her why she didn’t tell Mr. Super Trainer about her injury. Paige tries to claim she was just doing whatever it takes to get what is best for Emily. Paige is a martyr for love.
![Can't we both just go to Women's Colleges and bang new girls?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00268.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Can’t we both just go to Women’s Colleges and bang new girls?
It’s clear that someone wrote this scene is intimate knowledge of the native language of the North American Lesbian.
Emily: Why are you pushing this so hard?
Paige: I know how badly you want to swim.
Emily: You mean how badly you want me to swim.
Paige admits she’s scared that if Emily doesn’t come to The San Francisco Gay Area with her she’ll find someone better hotter faster and stronger to finger bang. Four years is a long time and Emily could find her fingers inside all sorts of girls. I feel like I called this a few episodes ago.
![Can't we just be together and watch episodes of The L Word in bed forever?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00267.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Can’t we just be together and watch episodes of The L Word in bed forever?
Emily: We have to face the facts. We’re not going to be together next year.
Does she mean be in the same place or Be Together? I don’t know.
![But why did they have to kill off Dana?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00271.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
But why did they have to kill off Dana?
![Because manipulative breast cancer plot lines sell to the masses.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00272.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Because manipulative breast cancer plot lines sell to the masses.
Back inside, Spencer and Aria confront Jenna. Jenna greets them both and I remember how Jenna always says Spencer’s name with just a hint of “you’re a cunt” and Aria’s name with just a hint of “I want to lick your cunt.” It’s perfect really. The Liars tell Shana she’s needed for a group picture outside. No one believes them.
![But perfect vag licking lips, amirite?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00279.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
But perfect vag licking lips, amirite?
Elsewhere, Pastor Ted swings by the Marin household to grab some face time with Ashley. I don’t care about the grown-up story lines but you can imagine what it looks like. Ashley is embarrassed Ted is a nice guy. Etc.
![I hope it's crotchless panties!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00232.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I hope it’s anal beads!
Ashley invites Ted inside for some dessert and the two chat and eat outside. Meanwhile, Hanna suddenly gets a call from Mona inside. Mona basically says “I can’t chat. You owe me.” I guess the gist is that Mona knew that at least a false confession would get Ashley out on bail.
![I'm just going to pack my antique vibrator set and I'll be on my way.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00291.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I’m just going to pack my antique vibrator set and I’ll be on my way.
Hanna freaks a bit but, of course, doesn’t say anything. Meanwhile Ashley and Pastor Ted finish up their dessert. The two have more old people talk and Ashley explains how she knew Wilden and Pastor Ted explained how he bailed her out of jail. There’s a lot of feelings involved but, once again, I don’t care about any the parents except for Ella who’s still MIA on a Sex Romp in Europe.
![Anyone ever told you that you look like Sydney Andrews on Melrose Place?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00337.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Anyone ever told you that you look like Sydney Andrews on Melrose Place?
Back at the party, Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff finally have an interaction.
![Because I'd like to press palms with her.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00301.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Because I’d like to press palms with her.
He’s like “Hey I thought you had plans with your family tonight.” Aria’s like “Hey I changed my mind and totally want to kiss with our faces now or better yet at least have you not kiss the other girl with your face.”
![When do we start flinging poo?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00300.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
When do we start flinging poo?
Except instead of saying that with words Aria just makes a pouty face and says some other bullshit about how the two of them aren’t dating. She tries to make this less awkward by sipping her drink a lot. She isn’t successful.
![OMG I have to spit this semen out!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00306.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
OMG I have to spit this semen out!
Back out on the dock of lost love, Paige tries to convince Emily to at least stop sulking long enough to see the people who came to her party. This is actually good advice. You should always have your girl fights on your own time.
![Crotchless panties?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00312.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Crotchless panties?
![Very nice.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00313.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Very nice.
Back inside, Jenna really wants to leave but Shana thinks she needs to see some imaginary coach first. Girlfriend A wants to stay, girlfriend B wants to leave. It’s classic girlfriend drama– they must really be together.
![I cannot have this fight again.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00316.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I cannot have this fight again.
Aria confronts Jenna and asks her for the billionth time what she knows about Alison. For the billionth time Jenna says to fuck off. If I have to watch this conversation one more time I’m going to die. Death by repetition.
![And the only answer was a loud resounding fart.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00323.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
And her only answer was a loud resounding fart.
Just then, Paige rolls in the cake. I say “rolls in” because Paige has somehow procured a neat-o cake cart. Guys feel free to keep this in mind for me to Chanukah.
![The redhead on the right cannot even keep her shit together she is so excited to sing happy birthday.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00327.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
The redhead on the right cannot even keep her shit together she is so excited to sing happy birthday.
The cake is cut and amongst the hububaloo Spencer goes missing. Aria and Emily go to look for her outside when they spot her… floating face down in the water.
![THE PATRIARCHY!!!!](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00352.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
THE PATRIARCHY!!!!
Except it’s not Spencer. It’s Jenna.
![I now baptise you a queer.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00353.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I now baptise you a queer.
I swear this is where the episode would normally end. Right? Like with a dead cut to the credits? Instead we’re treated to Jenna being rushed off in an ambulance in our classic Pretty Little Liars Police/Ambulance/Blanket scene. I think this is the 4th time maybe?
![Cold Monkey.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00366.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Cold Monkey.
An anxious Shana freaks the fuck out. She, of course, thinks the Liars did this.
![I'm gonna make every last one of these girls fall in love with me and then break their hearts.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00367.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
I’m gonna make every last one of these girls fall in love with me and then break their hearts.
The Liars call up Hanna and fill her in about Jenna just in time for Ashley to come in and fill her in about Ted. Hanna sure has been out of the loop a lot tonight. Did she just spend the entire evening on Tumblr?
![Everyone on the internet is so mean.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00377.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Everyone on the internet is so mean.
Later, Paige cleans up while Emily processes all her feelings. Emily suggests that someone knocked out Jenna before throwing her in the water. Paige is not so sure. If it turns out that Paige is in on this I swear I will be done with PLL forever.
![Can we just go back to our regularly scheduled make-out session?](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00384.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Can we just go back to our regularly scheduled make-out session?
Later, when the two of them are crawling into bed lezzie style they skip the obvious opportunity for a high school lesbian sex scene and Emily just lies in bed with her eyes open. Come on Emily! You should have taken that opportunity for all of us!
![Mistakes were made.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00408.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Oh no don’t close your eyes.
Meanwhile at other hotbed of feelings Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff do yet another “Eeep Protect Me” slumber party. Aria tells Sensei that she feels safe with him. She also says that she basically feels like she can’t suck anyone else into her black hole of a life.
![The Lizz Rubin Story.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00437.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Med School.
I’m not saying I totally relate to having a nonstop series of murders and harassment take place around you, I’m just saying I literally said that to my BFF two days ago. Sometimes it’s really hard to let someone in when you think you’re a swirling black hole of chaos. The truth is all you need to do is find an order muppet.
![Processing Feelings. PS It looks so weird and fake when you both put your hands up like that.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00403.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Processing Feelings.
(PS It looks so weird and fake when you both put your hands up like that)
At the hospital, Spencer wants to know if Shana knows who the fuck tried to drown Jenna. Shana wants to know if Spencer knows who the fuck tried to drown Jenna. No one wants to be friends or thinks this is an accident. Spencer asks for the bajillionth kamillionth time if Shana knows anything about Alison.
![Lesbian Real Talk.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00438.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Or did you miss Season One?
She doesn’t, because Jenna isn’t scared of Alison, she’s scared of Cece. Probably because Cece acted kind of like a homophobe.
![Cece? Seriously? Borrrring.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00414.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Cece? Seriously? Borrrring.
On the other side of town, at a very different hospital, Mona checks back into the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. I love how Radley functions like a goddamn yacht club you can just check in and out of at will. They even give her her very same room back.
![This is the desk where I'm going to have lesbian sex with Hanna.](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00422.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
This is the desk where I’m going to write my erotic Aria/Spencer slash fic.
Meanwhile Red Coat skips on over to the DeLaurentis house and sneaks under the porch.
!["Going under the porch" is my new euphemism for oral sex"](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00427.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
“Going under the porch” is my new euphemism for oral sex
In the final sneaky A scene, A plays a piano and leaves some sheet music for TobAy. Ew, does this mean he’s going to be in the next episode? Maybe I’ll skip it if it means a break from his caveman face. Just kidding! I’ll always be here for you guys even if we have to make up the gay content ourselves.
![Contents: (1) Manuscript entitled "My Life As A Modern Cavement" by Toby Cavanaugh [ghost written by Spencer Hastings]](https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/PLL409-00436.jpg?resize=640%2C359)
Contents: One Manuscript entitled “My Life As A Modern Cavement” by Toby Cavanaugh (ghost written by Spencer Hastings)
Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page
I don’t even care about Aria but this made me laugh so much: “How dare he arrive with another girl after Aria made it perfectly clear that she has no interest in him.”
Also, I think Emily meant physically in the same place together at Stanford, not we won’t finger bang Be Together together.
Thirdly, Lindsey Shaw, go away with your crying face, I can’t handle it.
I interpreted Emily’s line as “We’re in lesbians with each other until graduation.”
It’s okay McCullers, I’m sure there will be lesbians for you to date in Stanford
Based on this recap, my roommate just informed me that my next birthday party theme is “Vag Bash 2014: Cats & Fingerblasting.”
i can’t believe it wasn’t a ring. i wanted to see paige on her bended knees giving emily a commitment speech.
i also can’t believe that they slept on the same bed and nothing happened. nothing happened. no spooning! no nothing! they didn’t even kiss! i cried for this episode because it was very emotional and there was no birthday sex. devastating.
We know the hoe down is coming up and from the pics Paige is so hot she makes the surface of the Sun seem cool! So don’t despair yet. From all the signs I’ve seen Paily isn’t going anywhere they just have to work through this.
I am still waiting for Paily sexytimes to be put ON SCREEN. It’s getting so old. -_-
I haven’t watched a single episode of this show in more than a season and I still read the recaps religiously because they are just so PERFECT.
It’s amazing how much better a show gets once you decide to treat all the characters as lesbians.
These recaps are perfect. I laughed/snorted so many times while reading them. Love your sense of humor. And all the references to lesbian sex. Keep it up.
These need to be renamed the PLLOL Recaps