We glide on over to Ezra and Mona drinking together on a balcony. Hanna, P.I., sees them. “Men,” she says disgustedly.
But wait, we’re back at the House of Silky Nightgowns, and we’re in a play now? AND OH MY GOSH IT’S PAIGE
Let’s talk about how everyone looks fucking flawless in this 1940s filter and how they made Paige so strange looking in her clothes! Is she in a housecoat?! Compared to Emily’s super gorgeous dress, I’m not feeling this Paige makeover.
Emily and Paige are talking about Shana. It’s going well.
Oh gosh, they’re secret lesbians! So it must really be 1940s, correct? Emily tries to take Paige’s hand and the guy at the counter glares at them. Paige is really cute and lovey in this scene. I have missed her. Emily asks if she’ll see Paige later, and Paige says she doesn’t know.
Are they setting us up to have Paige and Emily break up?
Mona struts down the street in a fur coat and Hanna is tailing her. High heels make tailing someone so obvious. Mona disappears around a corner, then shows up in a billion mirrors to heighten the terror I’m feeling right now. Mona calls Spencer and tells her there’s a blonde package waiting for her in apartment 3B. Ezra’s place.
Spencer gets there to find Hanna chillin’ on the couch, looking entirely too casual for being held for ransom? For a second, I thought maybe Hanna was in on it, but nope, she’s just awesomely indignant about hanging with Ezra and Mona and can you blame her?
Spencer comes out with it and asks Ezra if he and Aria are back together. He basically dares her to tell Aria about him as A, asking her why she hasn’t told yet.
“I’ll tell you why not. It’s because you’re not sure. You’re not sure about anything. You’re in over your head and you know it.”
Finally someone can see that Spencer is cracking a little. Too bad that person is a stalker whackjob.
Hanna steals a carrot from Mona’s glass. Why do I feel like the carrot is poisoned. THE CARROT IS POISONED DON’T EAT IT, HANNA. I watch Once Upon A Time, I know what’s up with poisoned produce. They leave, which seems way too easy for someone who was just ransomed/blackmailed? Why did they even call Spence over if she could just walk out?
Hanna has turned into a real misandrist in this episode. “What is it with men? Why do they always turn on you?” They bicker about what causes baldness (the hats? genetics? climate change?). Spencer tells Hanna she traced the number on Ali’s list and that it’s the Fitzgerald Art Foundation.
HANNA WORKS A SWITCHBOARD. So they DO have big girl jobs!
Aria and Paige are hanging out, being buddy buddy. Aria is lending Paige a camera for a trip to the Delaware Water Gap on a canoe trip with Emily. That’s the most adorable lesbian outing I’ve ever heard of. Dear girlfriend, if you’re reading this, I want to go on a canoe trip.
Aria tells Paige that she grew out of being a tomboy by falling in love for the first time. I personally love that this is happening, because it exactly shows how awkward closeted lesbians feel ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Aria tells her she just “grew out of” climbing trees, where climbing trees is a euphemism for being a big ol’ lesbian. I, too, “climbed trees” in my youth, but I just never stopped.
Toby and Ezra are drinking at a bar? Toby, you’re underage, go home. Why are they hanging out — Wait, did Ezra just refer to women as skirts? Fuck this. I hate Ezra. He’s giving Toby some information: Alison DiLaurentis is alive and Spencer Hastings knows how to find her. This isn’t going to be good.
Back at the Hastings house, Ali is literally just hanging out in front of her portrait. I hope the actress who plays Ali gets to keep that portrait. I would 100% hang that above my fireplace if that was me.
Who painted this portrait, you ask? Too bad! We are so not finding that out. Everyone keeps telling Spencer she has all the pieces. Ali is being super creepy, and Spencer’s pills fall into the garbage disposal, which may or may not have been invented in the 1940s just saying, and of course I am fucking terrified of the combination of garbage disposals and my hands. Pretty Little Liars is just following me around, asking me what my biggest fears are, and then putting them in this show, I am positive of it. First the dentist, now THIS.
But don’t worry, Toby is our savior, and grabs her hand out of the disposal because women be crazy, am I right? Ali is nowhere to be seen, of course.
Are we in Toby’s Private Investigator office? Is he a legit detective? He is shining a light on Spencer to interrogate her. He asks if maybe Ali tricked Spencer into helping cover up her death. Well, duh.
Perhaps the Liars grew up in the time change, because Aria and Ezra are together at a bar, drinking champagne. That’s right Ezra, get your underage girlfriend drunk on champagne.
Why are they drinking champagne out of martini glasses, you ask? I’m very sorry, I don’t know the answer to this question. (Updated to add: genius Autostraddler Lizzie says those are champagne coupes. You learn something new every day.)
Aria wants to tell her friends about the two of them hanging out drinking champagne and being in love. Ezra is manipulating Aria again, telling her that she trusts her friends too much.
Ezra: I bet you I know one of your secrets.
Aria: I bet you don’t.
Ezra: Alison’s alive.
WHAAAAAAAT. Is Ezra coming out and admitting that he is A and he knows all? I swear, if Spencer wakes up from a dream at the end of this episode, I’m going to be so upset (spoiler alert: I was pissed).
LOLOLOLOL Paige thinks Rosewood is a city, aw, that’s so cute. Wait. They ARE in a city, did you see those apartments outside of Emily’s window?
Paige and Emily are scared of being lesbians together, and my heart is breaking for every closeted lesbian in the entire history of ever. Emily is doing a great job of making her girlfriend feel better, including the best line ever:
Paige: What if people find out?
Emily: Then they will be insanely jealous of me.
Paige: Of me.
Emily: Of us.
I’m not crying, you’re crying.
Wait, guys, there is LESBIAN SEX IN THIS EPISODE and it’s so perfect and Emily’s hand slides under Paige’s bra strap and this scene will fuel our fantasies for the long Paige-less episodes bound to happen.