Meanwhile, Hanna tries to unlock her mother’s closet. It’s a pretty serious lock too. Not just the type you pop open with a wire clothes hanger but the kind you need a skeleton key for. Fortunately Hanna rolls a natural 20 on her D20 for her thievery check and it pops open! Not too surprising, Hanna is awful good with her hands. Also she should probably forgo college completely and become a locksmith.

Dear lesbian Jesus, please empower me with all your butchy greatness and help me to unlock this door.

She opens the closet and inside are… clothes! Oh and a gun.

Ugh! I specifically asked for buns of steel!

Now, normally Hanna would call Caleb but he’s at A-Camp, remember? So she calls Aria. When Aria doesn’t pick up she calls Spencer. Well at least we know the pecking order. Shocking that Emily is so low based on their natural chemistry. Maybe this is sort of like real life where you don’t call the girl you like first because you don’t want her to know you like her. Or maybe you don’t call her because you’re just playing hard to get but maybe she’s also playing hard to get and then no one gets anything and then she move to Michigan and starts dating someone else. For example.

Spencer?! Are you there? I need advice. I think I painted the wrong party nail!

Spencer doesn’t really have time for Hanna today, though. She’s too busy being blindly self involved.

Which is so frustrating because we all know Ravenclaw is the best house

She’s also becoming increasingly insensitive to Hanna’s growing anxiety. And increasingly hilarious.

Not to be confused with Britney Sheers. That was the Oops I Did It Again music video

Spencer hangs up on Hanna before she can tell her about the gun. Hanna doesn’t even try Emily who would totally listen! It’s gotta be the playing hard to get thing. Instead, Hanna puts the gun in her purse. She is so going to shoot herself in the foot on this one DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!

pooping on the phone

After she hangs up, Spencer returns to the task at hand: figuring out the Mockingjay phone number. Because everyone knows that nerds rule the world, Spencer finds the most stereotypical nerd guy PLL could possibly costume. He looks about 40.

Spencer…. I am your father.
(Because it is age appropriate)

She wants him to help her figure out where the Mockingjay phone number is from. Nerd Guy doesn’t want to help at first because he thinks Spencer has crazy eyes.

You know what they say, crazy in the eyes, crazy between the thighs.

For the record Troian Bellisario is a beautiful goddess from heaven who certainly doesn’t have crazy eyes. But if Spencer were real she definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely would.

Eventually, though, Spencer weasles out of him that the phone number is probably a house on Frat Row. I gag because I know that means we’re going to have to go to a TV frat, which is only marginally better than going to an actual frat.

Oh and then this happens and it’s awesome.

I am Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, of the blood of old Valyria; I am the dragon’s daughter; And I swear to you, that those who would harm you, would die, screaming.

Elsewhere, substantially later in the day, Ella and Byron have an outdoor coffee. Byron tells bee-sting-covered Ella that she should go to Europe to do something nice for herself. He says things like “We always wanted to go to Europe” and “You’ve been given a second chance!” This marks the only time I’ve ever really liked Byron.

Are you sure this isn’t just so you can hog-tie Ezra Fitz without me around to stop you?

Or we could all move to Pawnee, Indiana with my brother!

Emily and Spencer walk down Krupinski Frat Row in cute little dresses. Little does Emily know how many times she is going to be told to make out with other girls for shots that evening.

This message paid for by lesbians who would like to see more of Emily’s legs

Here’s the thing though: Spencer thinks this is a fact-finding mission. That they’re going to go up to every frat guy they see and ask them if they ever saw Ali. Not for Emily though. For her this is a try-to-get-a-sorority-scholarship mission. Again, is that really a thing?

Re: Smith College

Does Emily know that she’ll almost definitely have to pretend to be straight to even join? Unless there’s some new lesbian sorority I don’t know about. If Emily doesn’t know about that Spencer sure as hell does. She points out that she noticed that Emily hasn’t exactly been out this trip.

I mean lying, cheating, stealing sure. But flirting?! That’s the last straw.

Honestly Emily probably should just be out throughout this whole process. Especially now that she doesn’t have a sport scholarship or a coach telling her to be “family friendly” (read: in the closet) she should probably see if she can get some sort of LGBT youth scholarship.

Mmmm yeah. Right there.

Actually the conversation gets kind of ugly. Like ugly the way only arguments between really close friends can. It also kind of turns into the worst kind of combination of slut-shaming and class fighting. It’s pretty clear that the stress of college combined with A is bringing out the worst in the both of them.

You did not just say you liked Shenny better than Sharmen.

Their fight is interrupted by some sorority girls singing about boys. Do sororities normally sing or is this a Pennsylvania thing?

Annnnd vaggggg forrrrrr allllllll

Back in Rosewood, Hanna tries to sneak out of her house with the gun. When Ashley busts her she claims she’s going to meeting up with Emily and Spencer at Krupinski. Even if Hanna were actually going to do a “campus visit” with her friends, you’d think Ashley would be pretty suspicious that she heads out just for the night. Probably that’s not the part of campus Ashley wants her to see.

I’m just going to check out Keg Stands 101 and talk to some people about majoring in Skipping Class and Smoking Weed

Inside the sorority party Emily chats up the Most Uptight Girl Ever.

And if you’re really lucky I’ll show you all about our spanking ritual.

Between you and me… it feels pretty good.

It’s your pretty standard “You have to be a girlie, rich, white lady to get in” talk until Emily notices a mask and on the wall. The sister tells her that it belonged to the old house mother. The the sorority sister calls the old house mother a witch with a B and it seems like a big deal.

Who was this appropriated from?

Downstairs, Spencer shows Alison’s picture to every person she sees. No one recognizes her. Which is odd since Ali’s death made national news.

Excuse me is that a beer stein? Where do I get one? Red solo cups are soooo 2010

Additionally, Spencer is completely grossed out by every guy she meets. It’s sort of annoying because I can’t tell if Spencer would react to all college guys like this or if she’s just being outrageously elitist. I don’t have the heart to tell Spencer basically all college guys and all frat houses are the same, coast to coast, regardless of supposed school prestige.

Spencer’s brief foray into the world of slang. It doesn’t go well.

Back downstairs, Emily runs into Skipper. He tells Emily he’s off duty and offers to get her a drink. Emily says yes when what she should have said was “Actually I have to call my girlfriend Paige. Her name is Paige and she’s my girlfriend. Like my lesbian girlfriend. Excuse me.” I think all of us know what’s about to happen. I almost couldn’t force myself to watch it.

The face every straight guy makes when he’s pretty sure he’s gonna get laid.

Just then, Hanna shows up! That’s right, She actually shows up! I figured she was going to throw the gun in the lake or some similar bad idea. She’ll probably still do that though. She asks Spencer where Emily is and Spencer has to admit that she and Emily broke the cardinal rule of frat parties: girlfriends roll together. For the record that was the first and only time I’ll ever use “girlfriends” to mean anything other than two girls who are in a romantic relationship and have sexy times. I promise to return to using it appropriately now.

Have you seen Emily? She hasn’t texted or called me in six hour and I’m worried she wants to break up

Hanna shows Spencer the gun and obviously she freaks out. FYI guys this is what happens when you hang up on people on the phone. Spencer tells Hanna to stay put while she finds Emily. Spencer asks the Most Uptight Girl Ever if she’s seen Emily and she says she went off “with some guy.” I hate everything about this.

Alll byyyy myyyselllfffff. Don’t wanna be. Alll byyyy myyyyselfffff. Anymore.

Spencer searches for Emily up a few flights of stairs and down a long corridor. She is suddenly bumped into by some very drunk girls who’ve I’ve decided are girlfriends because all girls with their arms around each other on TV are queer until proven otherwise. See! I told you I’d go back to using “girlfriends” appropriately.

Oh my god let’s go as Brittana for halloween this year!

The girls bump Spencer into a wall that comes loose and reveals itself to cover a secret room! The room is some sort of creepy hideaway with a 1970s radio and a old pink disconnected phone. Spencer plugs the phone in.

Nope. No condoms hidden under here.

In case anyone is wondering why Aria isn’t at this sweet party, it’s because she’s at family game night playing Monopoly with her brother and parents.

Tonight we’re playing lesbopoly! The game where you must dodge UHauling, having too many cats and accidentally dressing like your girlfriend in order to achieve lifelong happiness.

Just then, Aria gets a call from the Mockingjay number. Of course, it’s Spencer on the other end.

It’s the GirlTalk Dream Phone made by Milton Bradley!

The two talk for a minute before Spencer hears noise outside the door. As she goes to exit she notices claw marks on the door. Like someone was trying to scratch their way out.

And that’s when Wolverine showed up

Downstairs Hanna sits right where Spencer told her. Well for a minute. Some guys spill cheetos on her and she’s out of there. She seemed a lot more comfortable when she was stalking Emily at that girl party. Then again she didn’t have a gun in her purse so many this isn’t the best time to play “What is Hanna’s Sexuality This Time?”

Doin’ the seated robot. The hottest dance move.

Approximately two feet away from her Emily is chatting up Skipper in the kitchen. Well he’s chatting her up. She’s doing that thing where you become increasingly less interested in the conversation the longer it becomes apparent that a dude is hitting on you. Ugh. Skipper rushes off to get Emily another drink and suddenly Emily spots Hanna out of the corner of her eye. She follows her outside where the party look way more fun and much less legal.

Somewhere in this town a baby dyke just bought her first hitachi and now she’s trying to UHaul with her girlfriend. To the lezmobile!

Skipper follows Emily outside and at this point you just want to shake him by the shoulders and be like “Dude she’s obviously not interested in you!” Metaphorically. Violence is never okay. Fortunately we won’t need to resort to metaphorical violence because Emily finally tells Skipper she’s taken.

I can’t look at your pathetic face

Skipper: Maybe he’s not making you happy anymore…
Emily: Bitch I’m gay!! DO you see this vest?!

So suck it, bitch.

Skipper acts kind of creepy about it but fortunately he doesn’t get aggressive which is what I was scared of.

Oh so it’s a threesome then. Allright. I see you.

Meanwhile, Spencer finally comes down stairs only to find both of her friends missing. That’s because they’re both off wandering the woods. Emily is getting stalked by someone in a black hoodie. It turns out to be a guy with silly string. Funny, I don’t remember silly string in the woods. I do remember impromptu Torah study in the woods, but then again I went to Brandeis.

Something Emily never thought she’d have to experience.

Hanna on the other hand has found a clearing where she decides to bury the gun. How has she not figured out yet that A digs up every single thing they bury!

the lesberries only grow if you plant them at night under the stars of a thousand ancient butches

Liars: stop burying, ripping, sinking, hiding or even good old fashioned trashing things. Stop it! It always comes back. It’s been 3.208 seasons, three years, 233 text messages and six dead bodies and you still haven’t successfully gotten rid of anything. So just stop trying to get rid of shit because it’s never going to work.

Or maybe A will just tip off the cops, who will bust you before you even get it into the ground.

Drop the trowel and put your hands where we can see them! Guerrilla gardening is a serious crime around these parts!

Which is what happens. So we end our episode with Hanna getting arrested for… what I think is the fourth time. It’s weird. It’s like A fucked with the Liars in very specific ways. She screws with Emily’s body, Aria’s family and Spencer’s mind. She takes away the things they had before that were perfect. But Hanna? I guess she doesn’t know what the fuck to do with Hanna so she just keeps getting her arrested.

This seemed much more glamorous when it was happening in The Bling Ring

In the creepy A scene a pours a coup of tea and dusts off a picture of a couple of sorority sisters. Right in the center is the Old House Mother.

Of only they’d joined the Delta Nus they probably would have had a much better time.

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!