Pre-Dinah Shore Weekend: Anticipation is the Purest Form of Pleasure

Hello homosexual ladies & allies, this is Riese, your Go-To Default Girl for Party Time, here to give you the lowdown on Dinah Shore Weekend, which began yesterday (April 1st) and lasts until April 5th. I mean — I’m not like “AT” Dinah Shore or anything, but clearly we must cover this event for Autostraddle. Luckily Autostraddle’s graphic designer, A;ex, who’s repeatedly expressed [much to my dismay] no interest in writing anything, ever, IS AT DINAH SHORE and will be providing the best coverage she possibly can. Right now that seems to mean … um. Where is she? BRB.


OK! According to Twitter, she’s currently at Universal Studios. That’s cool. It’s raining here. Sweet, sweet, I’ll just write the Pre-Dinah post for her. Can’t be that hard, right? I bet they have a website.

Ew, they have a song auto-playing, that’s my number one website pet peeve. According to the website copy, it is “the greatest women’s week on earth.” I think the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival might have a few things to say about that, but moving on.

Sooooo … every year, a bajillion lesbians travel from all around the world to Palm Springs, California, where they all proceed to get drunk, make out, and openly stalk actors from Showtime’s hit series The L Word. It’s more or less my idea of a living hell [I prefer being alone in my room talking to my stuffed dog Tinkerbell], though somehow this year I am slightly jealous and wish I was there. Mostly ’cause I was invited to participate in the Celesbian Rock Band Tournament, and I jump at any opportunity where I am invited to do something as a “celesbian.” [see: OurChart.] [HAHAH! Jk! You can’t see OurChart anymore!] Instead, I am going to Cleveland, Ohio, for somewhat less exciting reasons.

Our photoblogger Robin went last year and has so kindly shared some of her amazing photos with us, to give you a little taste of what life is like at the Dinah. So shall we kick off Autostraddle’s totally completely ghetto Dinah Shore coverage? I have received word that if I write this thing, commentary will be added by people with first-hand knowledge.


White Party!

This has to be a white party, I saw it on The L Word. Robin’s such a good photographer! Anyway, so this is the White Party, when lots of lesbians look worse than usual because you have to be smokin’ hot to pull off all white. I think the point is if someone spills a drink on you, there’s gonna be a Girlfight, and that’s the first rule of Girl BarClub. Ta-da!:

whiteparty_01

Here we have a woman on a stripper pole, and a woman watching her, thinking about taking a little muff dive later and wondering what she’s gonna do with all that junk, all that junk up in her trunk, wanting her to loosen up her buttons baby and so on. Also major Capri Pants disaster happening in the background.

whiteparty_02

Runway Show!

This is a contest they hold at Dinah Shore to see what happens when Celebrity Lesbians stop being polite, start getting real, and don IT originals clothing for a big ol’ Fashion Show:

runway_01


I am 99% sure that this is Dani from A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, a.k.a. the inventor of FUTCH. It’s like Fetch, but gay and with shoes. She wants you to tell your girlfriend that she says hi.

Robin: “It’s Dani, alright.  Her girlfriend last year was a Tila look-alike (only taller).”

runway_03Look! It’s a girl in her underpants!

Robin: “I think Jackie Warner was kickin it with this girl for awhile. Hot.”

runway_04


This looks like Gweneth Paltrow from a certain angle. It’s like that Ani DiFranco album where she’s like “I’m okay, if you get me at a good angle, and you’re okay, in the right kind of light, we don’t look like pages from a magazine but baby that’s alright.”

Robin: We heart Queer as Folk, yay!

runway_02

This year’s fashion show, taking place on Saturday April 4th, will feature Dawn Denbo & Her Lover Cindy, Tinkerbell’s secret girlfriend Michelle Paradise, Queer as Folk‘s Michelle Clunie, Jill Bennett and Work Out‘s Briana Stockton.

This will follow AN AMAZING CONCERT BY LADY GAGA.

Alex: “My number one feeling about Dinah this year is: Lady Gaga. I have no other emotions. I don’t think my brain capacity can handle much else.”

I’m getting more and more jealous every line I write. I should go listen to Tegan & Sara’s “So Jealous” and build an Alex shrine. If you’re wondering what I’m gonna be doing on April 4th, I’ll tell you. It’s my Grandparent’s 60th Anniversary Party! I KNOW! The Indigo Girls won’t be there, unfortunately.


Hello, here is Tinkerbell’s number one band and our besties Uh Huh Her, who this year will be performing at some sort of Gammorah-esque pool party on Saturday April 4th that lasts for eight hours. Also there’s some serious apostrophe abuse happening at the Club Skirts Website. “Cabana’s.” What does the Cabana possess, exactly? Oh right. “Sexy Go-Go’s.” OH! And the girls will be wearing “bikini’s”! What does the bikini own exactly? Sigh.

See, it’s grafs like this that make me unsuited for interacting with other humans. Good thing I won’t be attending this concert.

Robin: “I was sitting on stage for this one.  Leisha was seriously into those weird bubble skirts last year.”

uhh_01

uhh_02

uhh_03


Pool Party!

Soooooo … shaker of salt … I like pina coladas … take me away to Margaritaville … this appears to be a sparsely attended pool party. Maybe this is the BETTY concert.

pool_01

pool_02

wet_tshirt

Alex: “A wet T-shirt contest waiting to happen? How did I miss this craziness last year?”

pool_03


Here is an event that involves attractive ladies, bikinis, and wrestling:

lube_wrestling_01

lube_wrestling_02

lube_wrestling_03


I have a lot of feelings about this picture, I hope someone took her up on that offer. Seriously if that woman put that arm inside our special correspondent’s vaginal canal, she would probably split right open and bleed from the eyes. It would be like she was miscarrying herself.

Robin: I was so afraid of this lady. Not of the ladies above.  I was not afraid of them.
funnystuff_01

This is Elizabeth Keener, she was Dawn Denbo on The L Word and is probs one of the Top Ten Lesbian Event Hosters of all time. You know? Like all those hot girls that are always hosting things. She’s right up there with Dani Campbell, Jill Bennet, Lori Michaels and that Michelle Woolf person.

famouspeeps_01

This is our favorite Celesbian Jane Lynch who can do no wrong:

famouspeeps_02

famouspeeps_03

This is Julie Goldman, the funniest comedian I’ve ever seen in my life. (She was on the Rosie Cruise in ’08, I peed in my pants like ten times). This year she’ll be performing in the ‘Funny Girlz 4” Comedy Show at the Zoso Hotel Ballroom at 7:30 on Thursday April 2nd with Michele Balan & Poppy Champlin.

Robin: I would like to add that this show last year was so hilarious!!! I was dying.  Please, everyone, support our dear friend Julie Goldman because she is a genius.

Complete Incomplete list of the events happening:

FRIDAY:

The White Diamonds Party – featuring Katy Perry & the LOGO Red Carpet & the celebrity fashion show @  The Palm Springs Convention Center.

Margaret Cho Comedy Hour: Jessica Kirson and Gina Yashere @ 7:30 at The Riviera’s Grand Ballroom.

SATURDAY:
-Cabana Pool Party – featuring Uh Huh Her
-Rock Band Competition
(Alex: Which I am fully attending and plan on taking home the gold for the Team.)
-Indigo Girls in Concert (Alex: Sorz guys, I am not attending this one.)
-The Hollywood Party – featuring Lady Gaga 

SUNDAY: Wet and Wild Pool Party

So in conclusion, this year’s festivities look very festive. And if you want the best Dinah Shore coverage possible via iPhone, Autostraddle will be where it’s at. And if I can’t get in touch with A;ex, I’ll just do when I couldn’ sit hrough the L Word — I will make shit up. For example, I still haven’t watched Episode 604.

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2696 articles for us.

22 Comments

  1. i think the capri pants disaster is actually a shorts disaster…like, the kind that should be cargo shorts but aren’t? i don’t know…ladies, unless you’re wearing long shorts like that with a tight tank and super high heels, stay away. stay away from that look.

    this is great coverage, riese!

    • omg, you are totally right, you have a fashion gaydar, which is like a normal gaydar but instead of attracting gay people, i feel like i should link to a photo of you pulling off the long shorts with a tight tank and super high heels.

      here!

  2. I really wanted to go this year but I’m not one for big crowds or spending my own money on travel expenses. Lucky for me, it’s being covered here! And even if Riese does make up stuff, it’ll still be awesome!

    • I really actually kinda wanted to go this year too, but I also don’t like spending my own money on travel expenses and I suck at budgeting when I’m drunk, which obviously I would have to be to deal with the crowds. This is my attempt to live vicariously/jealous-ly. I can’t wait to make stuff up, that’s my number two feeling after jealous. Yay!

  3. the whole “lesbian oil wrestling” thing still confuses me. maybe it’s just the 13-year-old in me, but wouldn’t it cause you to break out or something? i just can’t get past it.

  4. so i love how everyone is jealous of not going…and i have no idea what it is. so its like a big gay drunk party for 5 days?? i dont know how i feel about this. that many lesbians in one place at one time….cant end well.

      • Alex you should probably be careful… i think animal planet ran a special about hoards of lesbians running wild. it like destroyed a city or something. or i could just be making that up. you should probably have a taser on you at all times, just in case some over powering lesbian with big muscles (pictured above) tries to get some Alex lovin.
        i just cant wrap my mind around that many lesbians.

  5. I always want to go to the Dinah but 1- that is expensive shiz, 2- I am not pretty enough for California, 3- That many people in one place scares me. One day, just once, I’ll go. Maybe.

  6. im just really jealous.
    im really jealous that semi is with the girls.
    that shes with amy and emily.
    that she’s probably getting wasted with rick and steve.

    all around i probably just should become a lesbian. since them gays don’t want me.

    i wanna start a journey coverband so i can sing “don’t stop believin’ ”

    maybe next year me and my band can perform at dinah.

  7. Pingback: Best queer week ever « Stuff Queer People Need To Know

Contribute to the conversation...

You must be logged in to post a comment.