Hey Clone of the Cave Bears, welcome to the recap of the fifth episode! This is a halfway point of the season, and things are ramping up like whoa.
We open in Rachel’s apartment, where she and Dr. Leekie survey the bloody aftermath of Daniel’s murder.
Joining them is Paul, who is back from Taiwan or something, I don’t know, I nod out whenever he’s on screen.
While Leekie is fascinated by the twin sisters joining up, Rachel sneers and calls them animals. Leekie reminds Rachel that this is a result of her being so heavyhanded/psychotic and unreasonable with the clones, but she assures him that she’s only just begun treating her genetic identicals like criminals made of garbage.
Sarah and Helena are crashing at Felix’s house, where Felix is not at all psyched about sharing his flat with a serial killer.
When Helena hisses at Felix, Sarah tells her to knock it off. She explains to Helena that Felix is her brother, and she’s her sister, so Felix is one of the seestras, okay? Fair enough.
She also starts calling Helena Meathead, which is kind of adorable. I don’t know why, but I’m totally rooting for these two to be twin BFFs. Sarah asks Felix to take care of Helena while she Skypes with Kira.
Meanwhile, in Kira and Cal’s camper, we found out that Cal has a secret stash with fake I.D.s, a gun, and some cash. Is there any character on this show not wrapped up in larger conspiracy? I’m pretty sure Alison’s children are members of Mossad.
Back at Rachel’s apartment, she tells Paul that he’s going to be her new monitor now that Daniel’s dead. Even though she’s been self aware since she was a child, she’s still part of the program, which is sad.
Leekie tells them that they have some promising results from some stem cell research, but Rachel demands that he shut it down. She plans on holding Cosima’s health hostage until Sarah turns herself in.
Speaking of Cosima, she is Skyping with her geek friend Scott about synthetic DNA copyrights and Dyad’s possible contract with the military.
Scott is desperate to work with her, but the first rule of clone club is you have to be sexing at least one clone to have access. Sorry, Scott.
Delphine shows the stem cell test results to Cosima; turns out they were meant for Leekie, but she got them instead. Cosima is pissed because Leekie promised to share all of the science with her, but excited at the possibility of curing herself because she’s running out of handkerchiefs.
Sarah skypes with Kira while at a bar/concert venue, and a waitress accidently tells Kira that the Shit Goblins are playing tonight. Sarah seems upset about Kira hearing curse words, but considering everything that kid has been through, cussing is the least of her problems.
Also, Kira is calling Cal “daddy” and she’s not a monkey anymore, she’s a leopard. Cal gets on the line and assures Sarah they are safe.
Felix drags an unwilling Helena to Art’s apartment and tells her to behave herself/not murder anyone. Helena is also wearing a fuzzy helmet, which is really adorable.
Art pats her down and handcuffs her to the table, while she makes pig noises at him. Felix wishes him luck and tells him to try to persuade her with food. These are the same instructions I give my sister when she dog-sits my dachshund.
Meanwhile, over at the Prolethian Farm, Gracie won’t confess to trying to kill Helena. Bonnie and Hank discuss how she is clinging to the old ways, and they don’t like it.
As punishment, they’ve locked her in a room and sewn her lips together!
Has Hank been taking parenting lessons from Madame LaLaurie from American Horror Story: Coven?! Looks like someone is getting a mouthful of shit for Christmas!
Rachel watches her childhood videos and surmises that Sarah is trying to learn about her. She tells Paul that even though he reports to Leekie, he works for her.
Rachel has known Dr. Leekie her entire life; he even took her in when her parents died. But now, as head of Dyad, she’s surpassed him. Paul gives her intel on Cal, namely that he has anti-corporate leanings and is most likely Kira’s dad.
Rachel digs to see if Paul still has feelings for Sarah, but he assures her he’s on Team Dyad. She tells him he has to make tough choices, specifically with Daniel’s gun, which is tied to the murder of that cop.
Art is trying to interrogate Helena, and it goes about how you’d expect. Helena is fascinated by his fish tank and refuses to answer any questions. Art wants the deets on Maggie Chen, and in an effort to capture Helena’s interest he starts making a grilled cheese sandwich.
Smart move, Art. I’d sell all my secrets for a grilled cheese sammie.
Meanwhile, Belt Buckle brings Gracie a glass of milk and a straw, which is thoughtful. He tells Gracie to confess and get forgiven, because he wants to make out with her.
He kisses her on the cheek and leaves, without making a single Billy Butcherson reference.
Helena makes herself a snack with sardines, mustard, and egg shells. Girl has obviously never had a grilled cheese sandwich.
She tells Art that the nuns who raised her called her a monster and would lock her in the cellar. So she blinded them with her bare hands, LIKE YOU DO. She also mentions the Swan Man and says he played God.
Swan Man as in Leda and the Swan? Maybe. Art wants Helena to take him to Maggie’s locker, but Helena is more interested in scarfing down his white powdered donuts.
Felix is getting ready for a hot date: clean sheets, multiple clothing options, plenty of booze. He opens the door and we see it’s Cute Coroner Colin!
They kiss, dance, and are generally adorable together. Colin whips out the lube when the door slides open and they are busted by the cops. Boner Kill.
Paul walks in and Felix tells him to leave his seestra alone. Paul puts on black leather gloves and pulls Daniel’s gun on Felix. He then forces Felix to put his fingerprints on the murder weapon, effectively trapping him.
Paul then calls Sarah on the clone phone, and tells her that Felix will be going to prison unless Sarah turns herself in to Rachel. Sarah calls Paul a clone whore and hangs up on him.
Sarah tells Art what happened and heads to his place. Unfortunately, Art turned his back on Helena for two seconds and she used a sardine lid to pick the lock on her handcuffs.
Helena is basically Houdini with a bad dye job.
Back at the Prolethian Farm, Hank cuts open Gracie’s lips and she confesses and begs for forgiveness.
Her parents tell her that she better help them get Helena back, or she’s gonna be the one carrying the child! Then her mother rips out her stitches and it is SO upsetting.
Delphine and Cosima sneak into Dr. Leekie’s office to steal his stem cells, and Cosima tells Delphine that she is going to ruin her career as a budding lesbian, which I don’t really understand because stealing stem cells has no effect on your sexuality (or does it?!). Dr. Leekie busts them and tells them the truth about Rachel shutting down his work.
Dr. Leekie then tells them the big Dyad secret about the original genome. During the lab fire that killed Rachel’s parents, the original genome was destroyed. Basically, the entire clone experiment is an orphan (black) because they lost all their history.
Cosima says that without the original genome, there is no way to figure out all the synthetic sequencing, and they are basically lost without a map. Leekie wants to know if Sarah uncovered anything, and as a gesture of good faith Leekie will ignore Rachel and start treating Cosima with the new stem cells.
Cal and Kira are having dinner and Kira is drawing pictures of all the clones.
A cop stops by the camper to question Cal, but before he can search the vehicle, Kira distracts him with some childhood adorableness and the cops leave. As always, Kira proves herself to be the most capable character in a crisis.
Sarah arrives at Art’s place to find him handcuffed, and is like, “you had ONE job, Art!” Helena left them another fortune teller riddle machine, and they go after her.
Art and Sarah arrive at the storage locker and open it up. Sarah tells Helena that she better not be planning to attack them with an axe, but Helena is long gone on a stolen motorcycle.
The storage locker is filled with an assortment of creepy props: dismembered doll parts, photos of nuns with scratched out eyes, a dirty sleeping bag. There is also a recent picture of the Swan Man, aka Ethan Duncan, Rachel’s dad. He’s been alive this whole time!
Also, there’s an empty sniper rifle box and a headless doll wearing a black shift dress, which means that Helena is off to assassinate Rachel.
Meanwhile, Rachel is wearing some fancy lingerie and tells Paul to get them some wine. Helena spies on them from the building across the street and cuts the hair of Rachel’s doll head.
While Helena sings to the doll head, Rachel starts playing out a domme scenario with Paul. Rachel being a hard top makes all the sense, doesn’t it? While she orders Paul around, Helena is setting up her rifle and preparing to take the shot.
Sarah and Art catch up to Helena and tell her to stop. Helena tells Sarah to check out the scene, but Sarah doesn’t care about Paul anymore, especially not now that Rachel is mounting him.
Helena tells Sarah that Rachel is a problem she is fixing, but Sarah warns her that Rachel’s death means Felix will get convicted. Helena is like, “brother seestra?” which is pretty funny. Sarah steps in front of the rifle and begs Helena to stop.
Helena says she’s just using her, but Sarah confesses that she was heartbroken when she shot her. She couldn’t explain what she had lost, but Helena survived and now they’re seestras and that has to count for something, right? They both cry and walk out of the room arm in arm. Art must be so confused, you guys.
Back at Dyad, Cosima is getting her first injection to see how she responds to the stem cells. Cosima tells Leekie that the clones have a proposition for him, and that proposition is beer.
Cut to a local bar, where Sarah meets up with Leekie. She tells him that Ethan Duncan aka Swan Man is still alive, and she wants Felix freed before she gives him any more information.
Leekie tells her that if she can find Duncan, he’ll deal with Rachel and get Cosima the treatment she needs. Sarah is taken aback, as she didn’t know that Cosima was sick. Leekie tells her she has three days to find him, and Sarah tells him that if anything goes wrong she’ll sic Helena on him.
As soon as Sarah leaves, Paul shows up. Leekie tells him the results could be dangerous, and to report to him first instead of Rachel.
Sarah and Helena are in the car, and Sarah wants Helena to tell her how to find Duncan. Helena tells her they have to go to Cold River, a place of screams. Is that like a Six Flags?
See you next week, when we catch up with Alison, and Helena and Sarah go on the creepiest road trip ever!