A Poussey gif was promised, and a Poussey gif you shall have.
Damn, I can’t even with her face. Seriously. Get me my smelling salts. Position my fainting couch. Refresh the page.
Piper is attempting to convince Nicky that she’s not a lesbian to get everyone off her ass re: all that loud sex she and Alex are having. I mean, a lot of us aren’t technically “lesbians,” but that doesn’t stop us from having loud queer sex, honey. Anyway, since I don’t actually identify as any of the labels being thrown around in this conversation besides “horny,” I’ll leave the identity politics to the comment section. I look forward to your comments re: serious identity politics on this show. In the meantime, Nicky and Morello are 100% sure that Alex and Piper are on like Donkey Kong, and Alex and Piper are pretending that they are 100% just friends hanging out. Hanging out in each other’s orifices, though? Prison seems like an awfully small place to pretend you’re not doing the in and out, specifically the in and out of each other’s excited vaginas. Maybe Piper wants to join the softball league?
Bennett is lifting when Cesar busts in on him lifting some weights. Yes, Cesar, the drug lord previously involved with Daya and Daya’s mother who eats macaroni and cheese in his Superman underwear, has somehow found out where Bennett lives and has a singing telegram for him. It’s “You’re The Father” sung to the tune of “You Da One” by Rihanna. Cesar is a talented son of a gun. No, but actually Cesar is not pleased with the strength of the Bennett seed and Bennett is surprised to hear he still had the Miracle Grow in him.
Piper and Alex are canoodling in the rec room. Why play board games when you can fondle ass? That’s my family motto.
The funny thing about getting back together with your ex — and ladies, let’s not even pretend we as a community don’t do this all the goddamned time as if we were receiving checks in the mail for it — is that of course it feels comfortable and easy. You have an established routine. You spent months together building this routine. Sure, you walked away from it, but it’s like moving back into your parents’ house. You know which cabinet the peanut butter’s in because you spent years knowing where the peanut butter is, even if you also spent years living away from the house with the cabinet with the peanut butter. So yeah, you can get back together with your ex. Of course it feels easier than a new relationship or even, GASP, being on your own because your bodies and your emotions recognize one another just like they’d recognize any other habit-forming activity or substance. Getting back together with your ex for the nineteenth time is kind of like crack: of course it feels like your body wants it, as your body and mind have formed a dependency on this familiar comforting thing. Does that mean it’s good for you? No, it’s crack. And what is crack?
Speaking of things that are wack, Piper wonders aloud why Larry hasn’t called in a while. Alex is like, wow, I couldn’t be more lesbian flaccid if you were boiling my dildo, but also claims that she and Piper are just doing what they can to get by, and sleeping with a lady behind bars doesn’t make you a bad person. Alex Vause, professional container of murky ambiguous morality. For those of you who need a reminder as to why Larry isn’t calling, it’s because Healy called him, and we assume he told Larry that Piper and Alex are responsible for mutual and consenting nasty. So.
Apparently the inmates participate in Scared Straight, which I’ve just learned does not involve being afraid of heterosexuals. Wish someone would have corrected me after all these years! In my defense, heteros are scary, and I’m still not sure who gave them all the social power.
Pornstache wants his ice cream bars from Red. He is really fucking serious about getting this ice cream as soon as fucking possible. What a guy! But dependency on ice cream can get really intense in prisons and is a serious issue — I saw it on this great documentary about a family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together:
Note: A 7 hour break was taken in the writing of this recap to watch the second season of Arrested Development after the banjo intro song kept playing over and over again while the author of the recap was searching for and subsequently posting this gif. It was necessary.
Tricia wants to be one of Red’s little helpers again, but Red isn’t taking the betrayal well. This triggers none other than a FFFFLLLAASSHHBBAACCKK to Tricia’s past on the street. Tricia keeps track of everything she steals in a little book because she wants to pay everyone back when she can. Young Tricia, you’re somehow even cuter now. I didn’t think that was possible, but it is.
Back in the present, Sophia is doing Miss Claudette’s hair because Miss Claudette has a gentleman visitor. My stars, her excitement is adorable.
Piper’s brother Cal who I previously forgot was her brother and thought was a family friend or something because I don’t know, is on the phone with Piper. He tells her that he’s about to go skeeting with his bangin chick of a girlfriend who I already love, also Larry. Not that Cal and Larry are bangin, which would probably be a narrative I’d get behind and want to see fleshed out, since Cal getting behind Larry’s flesh and coming out sounds great. Anyway, Cal thinks Larry should call Piper. Larry is not so sure about that.
Piper’s mad Larry hasn’t called. Tricia’s mad that Mercy hasn’t called. Wait, Mercy hasn’t called? Mercy said she’d wait for her. Tricia was counting on it. They were in puppy love! Damn it, Mercy. Don’t kill the only semi-healthy lesbian relationship on this show. Don’t be that Debbie Downer on us, Mercy. We ask for so little.
But it’s a flashback. Polly’s getting married. Piper describes her sexuality as:
So we’re to assume that Alex is not the only lady in her past? Coolio. Plus Piper went to Smith and uh, well…yeah. I’ll let all you Smithies and fellow Seven Sisters fill in that gap. Because everyone knows we’re good at filling in certain gaps. Anyway. Piper says she likes ’em crazy! Well, honey, you came to the right place, because ain’t no relationship like a crazy lezzie relationship. We’ve got it all: synced periods, crying at the same time, throwing tampons at each other during arguments, having intense feelings about Rachel Maddow. Plus we tend to go fucking nuts! It’s a non-stop fun time. Polly thinks that Piper should aim for the safe and easy route. She does know you can be attracted to someone who is neither insane nor a doorstop, right?
Outside, Bennett is grilling Daya on why she hadn’t told him about the Bennett bun in her toasty little oven. Bennett could be charged as a sex offender because he’s an officer and she’s a prisoner. Also, a baby? In here? Obviously there are some reservations with the whole situation. Good thing neither of them took health in the ninth grade and learned about some basic preventative measures to keep this kind of shit show under wraps. Literally, you have to wrap it up. I don’t even have a dick and I know this, dude. Daya’s mother comes over to add her opinion to the mix, which is that Bennett lost his leg at war which means he must be getting some kind of money, but no, Bennett cuts in, he lost his leg due to a hot tub infection so-
Wait. You can lose your leg due to a hot tub infection? Remind me to never go into a hot tub again. Sober, I understand that a hot tub is little more than a breeding grounds for every nasty bacteria thing known to man, plus we’ve all peed in hot tubs, you’ve peed in hot tubs, I’ve peed in hot tubs, your infant cousin has peed in hot tubs, it happens. But. Oh my god. I WebMd’d it and it’s a thing. No more hot tubs for me.
Pornstache tries to get Tricia hooked again to control her. Pornstache says she owes him for the drugs in the past, even though she was “paying” for them via oral sex, and now she’ll need to sell to get him back. She doesn’t have a lot of choice in the matter. Booboo!
Doggett is doing some good old-fashioned faith healing. Everyone is watching because this is probably the most entertaining thing going on today. Watson pretends to get her knee healed to fuck with Doggett. So that’s going to be a thing now, which is about the equivalent to hitting a hornet’s nest with a baseball bat. Piper thinks Doggett deserves whatever she gets.
FLAAAAAASSSSSHHHHHBBAAAACKKK. It’s that Larry is plant-sitting at Polly’s house. Plant…sitting. Piper lets herself in because she got bit by a dog and Larry gives her a hand. Turns out they’re supposed to go to the same concert tonight and why don’t they go togetherrrrrrrrrrrrtyuiop. Oh, sorry, fell asleep on my keyboard. Literally that bored by heterosexual interactions.
Morello continues to run her wedding and honeymoon by Nicky like that’s a comfortable alright a-okay thing to talk about with the person you’ve been receiving large quantities of fist from in lieu of your fiance’s presence. She wants to go to Bora Bora Bora, which I’m 99% sure was a body spray I had from Bath and Body Works in 2001. Morello wants to then talk about how she misses sleeping with Nicky but can’t do it anymore. Nicky spits some hard truths about Chris, Morello’s boy toy, never visiting or giving a shit. Unlike Nicky, who would probably haVE taken a shit during intercourse if that was a thing they were into.
Now everyone is fucking with Doggett re: faith healing. Boo pretends to be cured of her gayness because guess what isn’t even working for her anymore?
Tricia is clearly not okay. She wants to make right with Red and she’s not hearing back from Mercy and Pornstache is being his usual dick self and putting her in danger. Oh, honey. You deserve so much better than what’s coming to you. Pornstache notices and locks Tricia in a closet since she’s so eager to talk to Red, and he thinks his new drug scheme might be in danger.
Flashback to Tricia of the past, trying to pay a store back for headphones she stole. Oh honey, she’s trying! The store obviously has an issue with this and while they’re kicking her out, she steals a necklace. Guess who’s waiting for her outside? The popo. Oh, honey.
The inmates could not be more excited to scare the living shit out of the Scared Straight kids. Sue is reciting Shakespeare. I am so 100% on board with everything about Sue’s character. Poussey is told she has to go scare the girl in the wheelchair. Turns out the girl in the wheelchair has her own gang and plans on fucking shit up once she gets to prison. In a Scared Straight plot twist, Poussey is scared by the Scared Straight young’un!
Over in the rec room, Doggett’s healing abilities are seemingly on fire with the sweet and gracious light of the Lord Baby Jesus as everyone is pretending to be healed by her.
The Scared Straight kids are getting a tour of the bathrooms, which is actually the scariest thing they could be shown, lezbihonest. The inability to poop in privacy would probably drive at least 3 or 4 people out of the desire to go to jail. Everyone is telling the kids that Piper is the one you wanna watch out for, or she’ll shove quinoa down their throats and make them listen to Fresh Air. JK, they’re pretending she’s a nasty mean lesbian who runs the joint. Girl gang leader, whose name is Dina, thinks it’s all an act, specifically the lesbian part. She’s probably going to make a tumblr post about label politics later.
Tricia’s still in the closet when Pornstache finds her, and she’s overdosed on the bag he gave her to sell. Oh, honey, no.
Piper attempts to be nice to Dina, but Dina reacts with some choice expletives. Well, Piper’s had enough of the whole “how my sexuality has gone over in jail so far” thing, and she breaks it down to Dina.
Everyone’s overheard and is simultaneously impressed and terrified.
Pornstache makes Tricia’s death look like a suicide. I was crying during this part because everything about it seemed so unfair and dehumanizing and usually this show has no consequences and then oh, death. God, I fucking hate Pornstache. And it’s a real kind of hate, not the Larry is so irritating and I wanna hit him in the nads hate.
Doggett is saving Dina in the bathroom per Piper’s bogus request. That seems unusually cruel on Piper’s part, but she did just get called a “bitch faggot dyke” so. Bennett walks in on this, freaks out, maces Doggett, and then sends her to the psych ward.
Tricia’s body is found, and ruled as a suicide. Everyone is extremely upset by this development. Healy almost says something about how much lady touching is happening as the women attempt to comfort each other, but even Caputo thinks he’s out of line. Good. Keep it that way.
Nicky goes to Red to say that Tricia didn’t hang herself, but overdosed on Pornstache’s drugs. Red and Nicky both feel guilty and responsible for Tricia’s death. They’re back on good terms again and ready to be a team with a mission. Because if it’s the last thing Red does, Pornstache is going the fuck down. Amen, sister.