My New Xbox 360 Totally Blows My Mind, 2009 Just Totally Blows

So, after a total shitshow clusterfuckstravaganza of a holiday, I decided to treat the materialistic geek in me big time. It was big time for me at least, because hey, I’m not made of money. I’m made of equal parts wit, radiance and valor; there’s no more room for money. I digress.

Out of Frustration, Self-Pity and Excuses, here at the end of this grand, bizarro decade (Is it the Oughts? Are we calling it that?), I decided to buy an Xbox 360. And catch up with the rest of the decade in gaming, first-hand.dotted-divider2
Yesterday, during my break at work, resolute with the horror that was some of 2009, I bolted crosstown to a Best Buy on the west side in five degree weather (that factors in windchill, why would you not factor in windchill?) and hauled out a glorious behemoth of a thing.

The Xbox 360 had heft. I liked that. It felt expensive. I liked that too. I went to Best Buy, as much as it is a godless hellhole in NYC (anywhere) at this time of year (any time of year) because I always buy my games and systems used, all frugal-like. Well screw that. During these times of Y2K10 panic, regret and extravagance, I wanted a new console. And new games.


Now that I have an Xbox 360, it’s seriously pretty embarrassing that I didn’t have one before.

Yeah, I am a supergeek, yeah I love gaming, but I’ve been wading through a console history backlog all this time- I’m always a few steps behind the times (ahem Gamecube, PS2). Mainly just because I like to spend my money on meat and booze and hookers. That is, until yesterday- yesterday I made an investment. And I am totally, totally buzzed right now on how it feels to be playing a current console. It feels fucking awesome!

In the store, after the requisite cloud of obnoxious dudes surrounding the 360 aisle cleared (like seriously, there was a physical testostobarrier), two guys asked my advice about what game to buy. And after telling them all about Assassin’s Creed II, Dragon Age: Origins, Modern Warfare II and Batman: Arkham Asylum, I admitted to them that I HAD NEVER PLAYED ANY OF THESE. Er.

The guys were super cute, and maybe a gay couple actually, solidifying their bonds of affection with gamerly commitment. They went with some Rock Band action and a few of the games I suggested. We lined up by the cashier and bought our new things, content to be exiting gamer ignorance and entering…bliss? Yeah, probably bliss. Which in this case is different than ignorance.

And THAT's for the low interest rates, 2009!


Maybe it’s weird that I’ve spent hours upon hours reading about games I figured I would never play.

Games that I’ve only caught glimpses of at friends’ apartments at the very most. And don’t get me wrong, for some reason I absolutely love reading about gaming- I read all kinds of gaming reviews and I don’t even know why…it’s kind of like the secondhand joy of watching someone play a game. I love that too.

I used to take turns playing Final Fantasy X and XII, but last week I realized I never finished XII and I now I am absolutely baffled about what the hell was happening last time I picked it up, circa 2o07. That was a bad plan after all. (Like wtf was happening? Why does that tall dominatrix lady have bunny ears and why am I constantly lost in the “Estersand” covered in moogles?! Life is weird).

I can watch people play games for hours, and that might just be because I’ve always been tempered by the knowledge that I probably won’t own the game. But now I do. I HAVE MY OWN THING, GUYS.

This sounds like some kind of bizarre, melodramatic rags to riches story, and it is. Except I’m not really that poor, I just tend to prioritize non-joy like nyc rent and “the future” over everlasting joy, i.e. MY XBOX 360. That is assuming my girlfriend doesn’t leave me as soon as she sees me wearing my headset. She warned me about that.

So yesterday marked the end of my vicarious gaming life. And the beginning of a new chapter.

But not a book chapter because I will never read a book again. I just started Assassin’s Creed II and Marvel’s Ultimate Alliance 2 (I couldn’t resist- lord knows I’m a Marvel fangirl). And now I can keep up with all you crazy kids and your gamertags and your whozeewhatsits and your sexting.

Granted I have probably realized -.06% of the Xbox 360’s potential in the last 12 or so hours (at least 2 were spent basking in glory), but I am on my way. Yeah, it’s about time.

So far I am so pumped about the vast, dynamic sexiness that is Xbox Live. World of Warcraft, my first MMORPG after a pretty steady diet of solo, lonely person RPGs, blew my mind. I didn’t have to hole up in my room and close the blinds and feel really weird and antisocial to game. Playing with other gamers makes me feel so much less claustrophobic. The world became large and open! And as much as I loved all of my nights playing Dragon Quest or FF7 or what have you, being part of an active gaming community is totally sweet. Even when that community partially consists of battlegrounds (ahem, Alterac Valley) in WoW.

Hulk smash unemployment rate!


Welcome to the future/present! Or something!


Hopefully spacetime as we know it will actually slow down in deference and out of pity so I can catch up to the rest of you gamer whippersnappers. If I was playing Braid, it would.

Sure I’m still going blind staring at my non-HD TV. Sure I have like two games- no actually I have four because I got two weirdo ones for free in the box. But now I am living in the present, guys! And it’s almost not the oughts! 2010 for the win!

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Taylor has written 136 articles for us.


  1. Oh, welcome to the club! Fancy elite, eh, awesomeness. One of these days, there should be an autostraddlers-game-night via xbl? Geek out. No? Anywho, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed with the 360.
    Also, word to the wise: If xbox gave you free uno, don’t play it without friends/late at night!

    • i hate wsg and love AB/AV for some reason. i don’t know why. i am sooo terrible at wsg! maybe shame keeps me away.


    And okay, I may not have an xbox 360 but um, I’d like to talk about Assassin’s Creed 2. I just got Assassin’s Creed Bloodlines for psp [it’s basically the filler story between AC1 and AC2]. AND I CANNOT STOP PLAYING IT OMG WRIST BLADES STEALTH KILLS CLIMBING ONTO EVERYTHING #!!!

    Now I wish I could steal my family’s PS3 so I can buy Assassin’s Creed 2 and play it forever AND I CAN TRANSFER MY UPGRADES FROM BLOODLINES!

    This really had nothing to do with anything. I just wanted to talk about how excited I am right now. Lalala!

  3. Welcome as well. I hope you enjoy AC 2. You should watch AC Lineage. For a few reasons 1) pretty good production value for something to do with a game. 2) gives some background. I just have to mention that Assassins creed 2 was the only game launch I actually waited in line for. If we play modern warfare we could have clan tags {@uto} or something like that.

    • dude, yes. yes you should want that. IT IS MY CHILDHOOD. well the parts that aren’t also your coming out parts. except jean grey…she is a coming out part.

  4. Pingback: My New Xbox 360 Totally Blows My Mind, 2009 Just Totally Blows Wiky Blog

  5. Congrats on joining the latest generation of gaming consoles. But really, an Xbox? Was Best Buy out of PS3s? :P

    • it was a hard call! i was leaning heavily toward the ps3 and somehow ended up with an xbox- i think live sold me.

      • Live is what made want the PS3. You’re charged a monthly fee for Live and the PS3 is free. The less amount of money I can shell out to Microsoft, the happier I am. LOL

        • yeah… it does feel strange and foreign owning a microsoft thing. i went with the gold yearly sub. because i was thinking the xbox live content sounded bigger & better…we’ll see if that was true!

  6. Nice! I’ve been trying really hard to get a wii. Other than that I have a gameboy color. Yeah! Have fun sitting in front of your tv for hours and hours!

  7. Congratulations on bringing home your new beautiful bundle. As a Playstation 3 gamer myself, I’ve never wanted an XBox. Until recently, that is. It was Left 4 Dead that got me and now I will not rest until my precious PS3 has a neighbor (albeit with funny controllers…)
    Enjoy Assassin’s Creed II. I didn’t have a chance to finish it (before i had to return it. renter!) but it’s so much fun. And beautiful. And when you finish with those… listen and hear me well, Taylor… get BioShock. It’s incredible beyond words. (and amazon has it for twenty bucks.)

    • I concur. BIOSHOCK is one of the best games ever and its a platinum hits now, so its like 20 bucks.

    • i actually held bioshock in my hand yesterday at gamestop and made myself wait and put it down! it’s coming up soon once i have time to play. i’d like to know it for when the sequel comes out!

      • Well hurry up and get your climbing and hay bale diving and stealth killing and tomb robbing (that was my favourite part) done with so you get can get on with the even better stuff. BioShock II is only a few weeks away, after all!

  8. my commune-joining sister gave me our old N64 and all the games for christmas, so I understand your joy. you know, in a quaint 90s way, haha.

  9. My roomie and I are disgusting. He has a PS3, PS2, XBox 360, XBox, Wii, Gamecube, N64, and Super NES. I have a 63 inch TV. Match made in heaven. Too bad I can only master Wii games and Little Big Planet for the PS3. I like to watch him/our friends play “real” games, though.

    Sometimes I think about the charities we could have donated all that money to instead. Then it’s my turn to Wii Bowl, and that thought’s gone before I know it.

  10. i don’t know what MMPORGZ whosywhatsy is but i DO KNOW what sexting is. does that mean i am good at technology?

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