Mitch McConnell Will Buy Me a Vampire Tampon Case For My Lesbian Vampire Tampons

Mitch McConnell is an American politician and senate majority leader from Kentucky who, along with the rest of the Republican Party, for the last seven years has been obsessed with repealing the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, which provides free to low-cost healthcare to millions of U.S. citizens. Some might argue that a not-insignificant part of the reason why Mitch McConnell and his party have been so determined to repeal Obamacare is because of the name attached to it, which is cool and adult. “I don’t like him, and so on Friday we’re all going to exclude him from the lunch table in a major way, but racist.” – Mitch McConnell et al.

The ACA’s repeal would affect too many people, whether directly or peripherally, to be considered a niche issue, and so this debate has been of special national interest. Even people who don’t involve themselves in politics (another cool and adult thing) have been made to pay attention. But it’s been of extra special interest to me, because seven years ago I bet Mitch McConnell that he wouldn’t be able to repeal Obamacare. Seven years ago I said, “Mitchbaby, you’re gonna blow it, and when you do, you’re going to owe me an item of my choosing that you’ll buy with money you’ve made not from taxpayers – because what am I, buying my own present here? – but with money you’ll earn as the prototype for a new slow-release candle wax,” to which he responded with a puff of air out of the entrance to his mouth, thus sealing our bet.

This past Thursday, July 27th, 2017, with yet another failed attempt to squeeze Obamacare’s repeal through Senate while most of Americans slept, I won the bet. The healthcare bill that Mitch McConnell had so desperately tried and tried and tried to destroy – and the one he would agree to abandon the following morning – came up shy of votes again. And this last attempt was during a time where his party controlled every house of government! Lolololololololol. Hey, some people are just bad at their jobs.

That is why Mitch McConnell will buy me this vampire tampon case that exists on Etsy to hold my lesbian vampire themed tampons. Remember those? The tampons I make Mike Pence buy me every month before he returns to mother? Those are the tampons that this vampire tampon case will enclose, and for which Mitch McConnell will pay.

Look, a deal is a deal. Mitch McConnell wanted to risk the lives of millions for political gain and make a bet on his ability to do so and he didn’t and now he owes me. I know it must seem a little harsh to make someone settle up after/on top of being exposed as such a giant loser in such a public way, but this is simply me holding you, Mitch McConnell, accountable for the terms of our bet, which you lost with incredible flair. It looked like you were crying a little bit on the stand when you realized you wouldn’t be getting enough votes! That is really something, and by something I mean super embarrassing. Maybe quit your job? I don’t know, seven years is a long time to be bad at something and then continue on in that same arena.

“What’s an Etsy?” Mitch McConnell will say at the speed of a chopped and screwed vocal as he plugs his vitality cord into the outlet located at the back of his neck, which I will have anticipated and prepared for by setting up an account for him and saving my vampire tampon case for my lesbian vampire tampons in his cart. “Don’t worry about it,” I’ll say, and then, as Mitch McConnell floats his finger towards his phone’s screen, like I did with Mike Pence, I will remind Mitch McConnell that this is a joke that only I can enjoy and he is not to internalize its connotations. He’ll go, “Huh?” like the speech equivalent of taffy stretching and I’ll go, “Just press submit!!!!”

Can’t wait, Mitch McConnell, for my vampire tampon case, and to also see you in hell.

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 205 articles for us.

11 Comments

  1. I hope those tampons pence is buying for you are the Carmilla themed ones from a few years back, that he has to go to U by Kotex and special order them to once again be sold in stores every month and that it costs him so much money to do so. I also hope that you end up needing a new tampon case every month, and so mitchie mitch has to go back and figure out etsy, and special request that same case every time.

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