- We’re not breaking up in quarantine, we’re coming out of this stronger than ever. !!!
- For some alone time.
- Because it’s impossible to poop with someone else in the house and it’s day 59 and shit is getting real.
- Because you’re on day 59 of self-quarantine and just found out they’re on day 43.
- Because now that you’ve finally had enough time to cross everything off the sexual bucket list you’ve discovered you might not have enough in common to keep this thing going.
- To eliminate echoes in Zoom meetings.
- Loud. Chewing.
- Irreconcilable disagreements over the care and feeding of the sourdough starter.
- They don’t understand why you can’t just ride it out in a desert AirBnb.
- For some alone time with the sex bench specifically.
- They wrote one of those fleeing NYC essays.
- They still want to visit their parents.
- They still want to visit their parents, who are in a retirement home in Florida.
- While visiting their parents in a retirement home in Florida, they posted a thirst trap from the beach, or what would normally have been a thirst trap except they were ON A BEACH and also NOT WEARING A MASK.
- Because long-distance relationships are a relic from when air travel was a thing.
- Because sitting with feelings is hard and exerting control over your life the one way you can right now, by removing someone else from it – especially someone who is there with you, not just in the sense of quarantined with you but really there with you through the emotional rollercoaster of this journey we’re all on, with no distractions, and who is only asking you to just be together, pooping privacy and chewing noises be damned, and to stay vulnerable and honest and compassionate with each other even when you’re scared – is easier, and when you think about it, when it really really really comes down to is, isn’t this what you always do, shutting people out and overthinking it instead of moving through the fear, hand in hand, with this person could really be important to you – and also damnit if you don’t just want to load up Animal Crossing for a few hours and then go to starfish on the bed.
- You’ve been in here too long.
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our A+ Members.
If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining A+
and supporting the people who make this indie queer media site possible?
Ryan Yates was the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for Autostraddle.com, with bylines in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, The Daily Beast, Jezebel, and elsewhere. They live in Los Angeles and also on twitter and instagram.
Ryan has written 1142 articles for us.
Carolyn, this is a most excellently written listicle!