Lesbians Have Secret Sex Lives and Alternative Lifestyle Haircuts

alt-lifestyle-haircut-thumbEvery Monday we will share with you a gem from the Autostraddle Lesbian Lexicon. This week’s definition is accompanied by an illustrated guide: The Autostraddle Alternative Lifestyle Haircut Girl-on-Gallery.

AUTOSTRADDLE LESBIAN LEXICON: “alternative lifestyle haircut”

alternative lifestyle haircut (n) – A haircut or style that indicates its owner leads a life contrary to that of the conservative or heterosexual world. Also known as “the significant lesbian haircut,” the acquiring of an alternative lifestyle haircut is often seen as a rite of passage into lesbian adulthood, even if it is not maintained after the initial cut. Like a bat mitzvah, but on your head. Examples include: the mohawk, the fauxhawk, the mullet, the sidesweep, and the Tegan and Sara.

alternative lifestyle haircute (adj) – newly-realized attractiveness owing to a recently acquired alternative lifestyle haircut; alternative lifestyle haircuteness is usually realized through sudden attention from the ladies or the tendency to look better in a shirt and tie.

SECRET SEX: Someone at “The Frisky” (Love.Life.Stars.Style.) saw that episode of South Park where we learned how to pronounce “scissoring,” and she’s not impressed. She clears up a few things, like that “lesbains f*ck — women like to be penetrated, it doesn’t matter if they are gay or straight.” She makes a few broad/unfair generalizations, like that “Lesbians save [oral sex] for monogamous relationships and for people they love (or think they love).” The real secret of this article, published today, is in fine print at the very very end: “Originally published in 2007.” The Frisky didn’t even exist in 2007. In any event, I’m hoping this woman learned in 2008 that vaginal orgasms do, in fact, exist. Or so says The Authority on All Things Vagtastic Planned Parenthood. (@thefrisky)

PRINCESS CULTURE: Is there a place for Princess Culture in the Life of the Moden Pre-Tween?  “As my niece showed me last night, kids, as always, are smarter than adults give them credit for, and often enough they are able to balance the super girlie princess storylines with many other pursuits.”

HAPPY?: Happiness in the United States“It’s not because of the multitude of crises we are facing. Women’s happiness has been on a downward trend since the early 1970s, when the General Social Survey, a landmark study, began examining the social attitudes of women and men — who, by the way, have gotten progressively happier over the years.” (@languagelog)

GENDER BENDER: How Do I Deal With People’s Misperceptions of my Gender?“I apparently have a masculine facial structure. In the past three months, I have been referred to as male or called by male pronouns on at least two dozen different occasions, probably more.” (@feministing)

COLLEGE LIFE: Right here on Autostraddle, we introduce Lily’s College Lesbianage: This week, Lily is desperately seeking

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2695 articles for us.

14 Comments

    • I think all of our kind would agree that it is an acceptable method to use “Shane” as a part of speech since she embodies all of our “Alternative LIfestyle Haircut” ideals. So let’s say a pretty, yet disgruntled fem comes up to you and says, “I’m sick of nobody believing I’m gay, I’m sick of school, my parents, etc. etc. (blah angst blah blah angst) and I just want to do something crazy to my hair. What should I do?” The appropriate answer would be: SHANE IT!! The end

  1. You should know that within 2 hours of this being posted I was literally using the Alternative Lifestyle Haircut Gallery as a reference tool for straight people.

  2. I’ve talked about alternative lifestyle haircuts quite passionately only to see vacant expressions on my friends faces. clearly I must direct them here.

    I too am wondering how to make it a verb. hmmm.

  3. Awesome redesign ladies!
    —-
    Go team #gender-oops! I had one today when the lady taking my blood asked if I wanted to register as a male or female. -_-
    —-
    Also on the blood note… when I was at the Red Cross I came across this question: “Are you a male who has had sexual contact with another male, even once, since 1977?” This kinda bugged me and by kinda I mean very much so. Are gay/bi/pro-fornication males not allowed to donate blood? “He sleeps with men, psht his blood must be tainted!” Does this irk anyone else?

    • the late 70’s and early 80’s is about the time when HIV started to spread so they’re asking that to see whether or not there’s a chance people are HIV positive, without asking directly. at least that’s what i get from it, i may be wrong.

  4. question: I love ALHs, and wish I could have one but I have curly hair–any way to have one without attacking one’s head with a straightening iron and mountains of gel? You never see them with curly hair, I don’t even know what it would look like.
    Hmm.

    • I have the same problem! I have not found a solution to it yet, except maybe settling for a less-than-totally alternative hairstyle and just cutting it to my earlobes. If you figure this one out, let me know.

  5. First I want to say that the new site design is fucking amazing. I’m loving it. Second; “Examples include: the mohawk, the fauxhawk, the mullet, the sidesweep, (and the Tegan and Sara).” That gave me a good laugh and it’s all so true.

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