Dani arrives home to her Castle in the Sky after an unpleasant day attempting to get Black artists on board with her Dad’s evil corporation, one airpod still decamped inside her busy ear. She’s de-booting when Gigi rings to check in on Dani — Eli’s recorder concert is about to begin and she might miss Frarajaca!
For some inexplicable f*cking reason, Dani says she can’t make it ’cause she’s stuck in traffic. For another inexplicable reason, Gigi accepts this explanation instead of asking why Dani didn’t inform her of the backup on the 10 as soon as she got mired within it but ok whatever
We then swoop back to Porter’s Pre-Prom Party of a Lifetime where Jordi’s stressed about going to prom without Angie but Bette assures her they’ll get Angie to prom post-haste no worries! Tina’s angry Bette made a promise they might not be able to keep, but Bette just wanted to avoid bringing Jordi down.
“But you have no problem bringing everybody else down,” Tina argues because apparently this was the best segue she could come up with to bring the convo back around to Bette vs. Carrie and she is going to run with it.
Squabble #35: I Hope We Forever Spare Each Other Pain
In the Ring: Bette vs. Tina
Tina wants to know what Bette said to Carrie! Bette says she told Carrie she didn’t think they have to be best friends and she should be able to say that to a grown woman without her falling apart! Alice and Shane are enjoying the show:
Tina’s not so sure that Bette used the best possible tone to deliver that theory of friendship but Great news! We are saved by a knock at the door!
Who Wins? Henry
Anyhow, as recently mentioned, there is someone at the door! It’s Pippa, looking gorgeous as always!
Tina is both intimidated and delighted to share space with beloved artist Pippa Pascal, who she doesn’t seem to know is dating her ex-wife, and Pippa is delighted to inform Bette that their four hours of marching around with posters was a success — the CAC is no longer funded! Yay!
Angie’s Gay Aunties have taken up the torch of chatting with Angie in place of her Gay Mommis. Shane says it’s okay to be mad at her Moms, for example I personally am often mad at her Moms and I still went to prom. Angie feels like Marcus doesn’t wanna know her.
Alice says it’s his loss. Angie says she’s not his daughter or anything, but Shane tells her it’s okay for it to still hurt. Angie laments taking it out on Jordi ’cause it wasn’t her fault, and Alice suggests fixing it by going to prom. Shane suggests fixing it by not going to prom.
Tina stands awkwardly beside a table of items while Pippa and Bette play tonsil hockey in the foyer, and then Shane and Alice clatter downstairs with Angie in tow, ready to go have an unforgettable night at prom.
Tina asks Bette how long she’s been dating Pippa and Bette says, “not long,” which is actually true because according to the events of this program they have been together for (checks watch) three days.
Speaking of strange periods of time, Bette suggests they return to the hospital to give it another go with Marcus.
Cut to a Netflix and Chill Night starring two very cute humans who have had a bit of a rough day but are seemingly not intending to verbally acknowledge the roughness of said day and instead will simply be plowing gamely forward with House Hunters.
Micah says he’d like to watch something in Spanish and also learn Spanish ’cause he doesn’t know a lot of Spanish. But he does know the word “amor,” which means he heard Maribel say she loves him which is a huge revelation because they didn’t already have a premature love conversation two days ago. Speaking of things that are premature, Micah says he could be her esposo some day. OKAY EVERYBODY CALM DOWN
We then gallop off into the sunset and by the sunset I mean the hospital, where Bette’s giving some quotes to the press about their Big Victory at the CAC and Tina’s politely awaiting whatever dark fate lies ahead. Tina congratulates Bette on her win and Bette insists it was a team effort. “Yeah, it’s nice being on your team,” says Tina, as if she is not currently engaged to a member of the Rockford Peaches.
Tina wants to know why Bette can’t be happy for her and Carrie. Bette claims that she is but Tina simply does not buy it! It’s time for Tina to ask Bette about what Carrie has been telling Tina is the deal all along: “Are you still in love with me?” But before Bette can answer, Shelia is here to usher them back to Marcus’s Room!
Back at Dani’s Castle in the Sky, Gigi and Dani are enjoying some bottled wine by the glass and Dani is tripping over her own lackluster communication skills by thanking Gigi for understanding her forgoing the Los Angeles Children’s Recorder Choir Gala on account of her tough day at work. Gigi reminds Dani that in fact she did not hear about anybody’s tough day at work — Dani told Gigi she was stuck in traffic.
World Champion Lesbian Communicator Gigi wonders aloud if Dani is trying to hurt her or if that’s just a bonus to whatever else it is she’s got going on. ‘Cause Gigi’s down to be there for Dani but she is not down to be lied to or otherwise serve as a receptacle for Dani’s unrelated negative emotions. Dani lets Gigi hold her, noting as perhaps many of you did in the comments two weeks ago….
Dani: I told Finley that nobody holds me when I’m sad.
Gigi: Yeah ’cause you’re pretty prickly when you’re sad!
Gigi: You don’t have to be scared. And if you don’t push me away, I’ll always hold you.
Dani: I think that’s what scares me the most actually!
Dani marvels at Gigi’s ability to get her to talk about her emotions. Gigi’s like, NBD I was married to a therapist! I love them.
Back at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, Sophie is continuing to call Finley despite it having gone to voice mail every time for hours and hours. “I just want her to be okay so I can yell at her,” Sophie tells Tess when she stops by to deliver what I thought would be great advice but turns out to be abjectly terrible advice!
Tess tells Sophie that Finley’s not gonna get the help she really needs if she’s got Sophie there to pick up the pieces and make it better. What Finley apparently really needs is to feel totally unloved and unsupported! Which I’m pretty sure is how she already feels! It’s unclear if Sophie can or will take this advice.
Furthermore, Sophie has yet to pick up a single piece of Finley’s thus far — not because Sophie’s neglected her or anything, but because Finley, the affable party lesbian everybody has done shots with for two seasons, has not dropped any! Because a person does not actually need to fall into pieces to be an alcoholic or need help.
Tess’s advice makes sense for somebody who’s already fallen into codependence or enabling behavior, but Sophie’s nowhere near that stage yet. Making sure her friend who has been missing for two days isn’t dead is really the bare minimum, and it’s also the first time Finley’s gone missing, which means there is a genuine cause for alarm and it’s not playing into a toxic pattern.
But we must, apparently, drive this story home with as much raw malice as possible and therefore it is time to meet a new side of Finley that did not exist until this very day: she’s sloppy, rank, stumbling through an unidentified hallway of a building that definitely has a doorman that would not have let our young friend through these doors without verbal confirmation from a resident. Finley is peeing on the floor and then slipping in her own urine.
Finley pounds on the door and I wonder who, pray tell, will be at the door? Where or how has Finley slept? Where or how has she managed to continue drinking? Why or how does she know Dani’s address and why would she come to Dani’s, of all places, as the final resting spot of whatever odyssey she’s undertaken for the last 36 hours? These are all good questions that will not be answered!
“Don’t punch me in the face,” Finley stumbles. “Agian.”
Dani, still clutching the door, can manage only, “what are you doing here?” We are immediately transferred to the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, where Sophie’s getting a call from Dani.
Alice and her cute sweater have retired to the bedroom to take more calls from more reporters who are just dying to tell Alice that she is a great lesbian talk show host who has meant so much to us as lesbians and also to all of lesbian lesbianville lesbian city lesbiantown.
“There’s just not a lot of lesbians on TV,” says a reporter who has not watched a lot of TV. “I mean it’s getting better but you’re sort of our symbol of what’s possible.” I’m sorry is it 2011? I guess so, because she also wants to know if Alice has “a new woman” in her life, as if in this day and age there is not a very strong possibility that Alice could be dating somebody who does not identify as a woman.
“His name is Tom,” Alice says. “He’s a man. A cis man. Named Tom. He’s a cis man named Tom.” The line goes silent. So like, 2011 called and then hung up on Alice, I guess.
Well it’s back-to-school season for Angie who is rushing to catch the tail end of Promenade. Luckily Jordi is waiting outside of the auditorium so they didn’t have to hire a bunch of teenage extras and spring for 100 COVID tests.
Although Jordi sadly lost prom queen, she remains the queen of Angie’s heart! I love young queer love!
Well, it appears they have in fact re-cast the role of Marcus Allenwood, thus begging the question: why has this storyline thus been dragged out this long and Angie’s desires thwarted if this guy was prepared to be Marcus this whole time?
Marcus says he didn’t want to put Angie through meeting him and then him dying, ’cause obviously it’ll be much better for her to not meet him but still have him die. Kids love that! Especially a kid whose Grandpa died like right before she got born!
“That’s very thoughtful of you, but she knows what she’s getting herself into,” Bette and Tina inform him, handing Marcus the most recent draft of Angie Porter-Kennard’s opus, “Questions for MARCUS.”
“I should’ve known Bette Porter’s daughter would be persistent,” he says. Bette smiles at Tina and says they taught her well. He wishes her a big congrats on the CAC Attack and Bette wishes him a big congrats on an upcoming show at LACMA. They make plans to bring Angie by tomorrow to meet him and I think we all know what that means and I hate itttt
Back at Finley’s Last Dance, Finley stumbles around the apartment, commenting on how nice it is and also noting, accurately, that it makes sense and “fits” that Gigi and Dani are dating now because “you’re both very hot.”
Finley says Dani definitely has her shit together and has everything but meanwhile, Finley has nothing. Dani says that’s not true. Finley says the look Dani is giving her is the look that Sophie gives her, although I cannot recall Sophie ever giving Finley that look ’cause usually when Finley is drunk, Sophie is also drunk, and the looks they are giving one another are looks of sloppy sexual tension. Finely says Sophie said she was scary and how is she scary?!?!!? “I’m not scary,” Finley slurs. “I’m fun. I’m fun Finley.”
Back in high school, our favorite chaste Gen Z queers are dancing in an empty hallway.
Back at the hospital, Tina’s thanking Bette for making Marcus change his mind about meeting Angie, saying Angie is lucky to have Bette as a Mom. “You too,” says Bette. “Tina, I —” she begins and then the alarms start going off because of course this show has introduced a Black character just to kill him three minutes later.
Angie, who never met her Grandpa and lost her aunt to a drug overdose and is now unaware that her donor is flat-lining in the ER, dances with Jordi in the hallway and tells her that she loves her and Jordi says it back.
At Dani’s Castle in the Sky, Sophie arrives to get her girl. “Sorry,” Sophie says to Dani before sitting next to Finley on the sofa and pushing an oily chunk of hair out from in front of her bloodshot eye.
So we go back and forth now between Jordi and Angie dancing and Marcus dying.
Bette starts crying and Tina holds her and that, my friends, is the end of the penultimate episode of this series and um, what?!
Squabbles: 3 this episode, 35 total
Sexy Moments: 0 this episode, 11 total
Quote of the Week:
Alice: Angie, you’ll know. Should I tell the world I’m dating a man?
Angie: Nobody cares!