Kristen’s Team Pick:
Writing’s hard. You have to think of subjects and verbs and coax them into pattern that make sense. Papers are difficult, but online profiles are even worse! Not only do you have to herd those words into identifiable and/or understandable sentences, but they also have to convince someone that you are dateable and/or fuckable and/or One Night Standable! God. Don’t you just wish someone could do that for you?
Deep down, we’re all the same when it comes to looking for love. We’re all just people doing our thing, trying to make it in this crazy world. Tattoos road trips having a few beers jazz cafes. Mountain biking I love the smell of share a new experience loyal if you like my profile, adventures Game of Thrones quizzo if you think we have something in common trying this for the first time. Strong and confident long-term dating I’m just a regular guy sushi fixing my scooter I’m a good listener.
This is how I write
Hold up! Do I sound crazy or do I sound super dateable right now? I could pretend that my grey cells wrote that majestic chunk of intriguing profile, but it was actually the Online Dating Ipsum! Lauren Hallden bravely looked up the profile of a bunch of 20-30 year old guys (ahem, her matches) and pulled out some of the most overly used phrases. As she says, “most profiles are just word soup anyways” so why not just make your profile super average generic agreeable? Next time you’re fretting over the About Me section, all you gotta do is load up the page, decide how many paragraphs of incredibly non-polarizing profile you want and click a button.
Skydiving my alter-ego is giving massages the fact that you are even considering schooling me. I am oddly aroused by working on my screenplay you’re going to be trained to my satisfaction complete lack of shame throwing rocks at trains, don’t waste my time if I make fun of you it’s because I like you cosplay beekeeping if you have a BMI under 25. Skydiving I will tell you stories forever a fairly successful career in sports skydiving you’re going to be trained to my satisfaction crying in my bathtub.
Clubbing documentary filmmaker I’m a nice guy or so I’ve been told. Work hard play hard I’m kind of a genius if you like I starred in my own reality show I’m an enormous man-child, P90X when I get drunk if you have a BMI under 25 one time in middle school because I am a paradox. I’m the last of a dying breed chivalry is not dead I am a gentleman first and foremost bald is sexy on the first date shotgunning beers.
See? Flawless. You hardly realized that I didn’t write that. It just sounded so fucking majestical and realistic. Again!
I hate lists vinyl records Infinite Jest as friends. Outdoorsy new friends skiing video games making lasagna from scratch, rock climbing skiing bacon Indian food glass half-full. Bikes the simple things in life mountain biking shoot me a message working on my body and my mind skiing.
So now that you know the key to getting in everyone’s pants, go forth and conquer! And show me some of your best profile “writing” excerpts.
Right out of the gate: “Organized chaos you need a real man lol everything destructive that I do.”
Welp.
“Strong and confident, I love the smell of self-deprecating humor. Thinking about trying yoga, pickles, home brewing”
Come at me ladies.
Damnit, those totally are my buzzwords. PICKLES AND HOME BREWING? Hellooooo!
“Snowboarding foreign films I value art Murakami Arrested Development strong and confident.”
It had me at “Arrested Development.”
“You could say I’m old-fashioned on my fetish list motorcycle collection nubile I know shirtless pics are a no-no, but, I’m the last of a dying breed that was a joke, by the way size 2 I’m just in town for the night if you have an innie belly button.”
“outie” belly buttons need not apply…
DADASTRADDLE
“I’m the last of a dying breed motorcycle collection crying in my bathtub well-built.
If you dress up like a pin-up doll for me I should have grown up in the 40s playing devil’s advocate with lots of self-respect wildly attractive doesn’t hurt other shenanigans.
When I picked this username I didn’t realize I couldn’t change it I don’t really keep a budget I won’t bite without permission there’s no such thing as a typical Friday night really only soft drugs.”
this is amazing
it’s like if William S Burroughs had an okcupid
“I’m kind of a genius if I make fun of you it’s because I like you there’s no such thing as a typical Friday night when I picked this username I didn’t realize I couldn’t change it but I only smoke when drinking, if you have an innie belly button crying in my bathtub ages 18 – 22 Juggalo I’m the last of a dying breed. I enjoy The Game I’m an enormous man-child I’m too honest but I only smoke when drinking proper grammar.”
Funny, I *do* smoke when I’m drinking proper grammar, but I put a ban on 18-22 year old Juggalos crying in my bathtub ages ago.
God, we are the same person. I love a Lucky Strike while sipping on Oxford commas.
And I only let Juggalos cry in my bathtub who are at least half my age, plus 7. It’s a good policy.
Oh now someone needs to make a beer, whiskey, and/or moonshine named Oxford Comma.
Challenge accepted.
DAMN IT I LOST THE GAME. For like the first time in three years too.
“Art school my eyes I love the smell of only looking for something casual. I’m just a regular guy chilling at a bar with friends Breaking Bad local sports teams skiing, dubstep Catcher in the Rye Woody Allen optimistic training for the marathon. Going back to school just looking to have some fun really hoppy beers Breaking Bad training for the marathon Breaking Bad.”
Though admittedly I’m not sure whether or not I love the smell of only looking for something casual, I do enjoy fun really hoppy beers.
“I should have grown up in the 40s younger women most cats eventually love me documentary filmmaker.”
‘Catcher in the Rye bacon Murakami snowboarding. Making people laugh only looking for something casual only looking for something casual you should message me Ethiopian, Woody Allen I’m a big fan of Vampire Weekend passionate about making people laugh. Trying this for the first time you should message me Ethiopian glass half-full down to earth Arrested Development.’
And my day is now made.
“I’m not good at filling out these things I’m a big fan of no drama bacon.”
NO. DRAMA. BACON.
“Too many to list as friends adventures Sunday funday. It depends on the night honest and direct Ethiopian jazz cafes my eyes, long-term dating listening to music sleeping late using my farmshare activity partners.”
Oh god.
I too am a fan of no drama bacon. Couldn’t you just get in my mouth and not make a big fuss?
#COTW this notable quotable makes you my new spirit animal
“Family Guy I’m a good listener Indian food exploring the city. Jazz cafes my smartphone I have a crush on if you’re down to actually meet at some point Sunday funday, as friends Netflix whiskey activity partners grab coffee or a drink. I have a crush on video games going back to school going back to school Sunday funday my cats.”
Well I do have a crush on video games.
“Clubbing documentary filmmaker I’m a nice guy or so I’ve been told. Work hard play hard I’m kind of a genius if you like I starred in my own reality show I’m an enormous man-child, P90X when I get drunk if you have a BMI under 25 one time in middle school because I am a paradox. I’m the last of a dying breed chivalry is not dead I am a gentleman first and foremost bald is sexy on the first date shotgunning beers.”
Is this what getting picked up by the patriarchy sounds like?
At least once a day shotgunning beers I’m a nice guy I’m an enormous man-child. Keep up with me proper grammar full-contact staying up late beekeeping, blackjack I enjoy I did a lot of modeling work in the mid-80s my other half working on my screenplay. I despise I’m really good at I know shirtless pics are a no-no, but there’s no such thing as a typical Friday night complete lack of shame because I am a paradox.
this is why i’m single.
“Throwing rocks at trains full-contact you’re going to be trained to my satisfaction in my birthday suit. For real though if you like my profile there’s no such thing as a typical Friday night my other half with lots of self-respect, Juggalo ultramarathons you need a real man P90X if I make fun of you it’s because I like you. Chivalry is not dead I will love you forever The Game friendzone cosplay playing devil’s advocate.”
Kind of a “nice guy,” closet-sex-offender, dating-site Finnegans Wake deal going down here.
“Tacos family is very important to me I love the smell of bacon. The Daily Show my smartphone pickles watching a movie fascinates me, pickles my beard home brewing video games if you’re still reading this. Only looking for something casual Arrested Development I know I listed more than 6 things the simple things in life new friends chilling at a bar with friends.”
I’m gonna say, this is like 50% accurate.
Also this reminds me of Okc_ebooks, which takes it a step further and answers all of their messages with a bot. It’s really creepy how people continue conversations convincing themselves the random talk is sexual innuendo.
You had me at tacos family.
“I live in constant amazement of nature and the universe or so I’ve been told I did a lot of modeling work in the mid-80s. Thinking about trying yoga really hoppy beers skiing grab coffee or a drink video games everything but country music. Motorcycle collection playing devil’s advocate I am extremely experienced and talented ask your mother.”
Um.
My mom disagrees.
“Living on sailboats there’s no such thing as a typical Friday night organized chaos younger women. Crying in my bathtub my alter-ego is pics on request organized chaos looking for a third, The Game you need a real man organized chaos ages 18 – 22 I starred in my own reality show.”
WHY SO MUCH CHAOS?
I hafta say, this thing makes me so happy to be gay because the idea of dating anyone with any of these quips makes me nauseous. Ugggghhhhh men-children
“I may be somewhat jaded chivalry is not dead that’s what she said other shenanigans. Most cats eventually love me I despise working on my screenplay when I picked this username I didn’t realize I couldn’t change it but I only smoke when drinking, organized chaos you should be clean and intelligent chivalry is not dead my lizard tongue but I only smoke when drinking. I tend to be attracted to full-contact my lizard tongue my beard I may be somewhat jaded you’re going to be trained to my satisfaction.
Blackjack really only soft drugs I don’t really keep a budget organized chaos. If you dress up like a pin-up doll for me at least once a day making people mad I did a lot of modeling work in the mid-80s beekeeping, Ayn Rand if you like my profile someone to provide for you crying in my bathtub my last partner told me. MFA well-built shotgunning beers if you like my profile clubbing you will love it.
My other half MFA working on my screenplay in my birthday suit. If you like no robots posing as real people I know shirtless pics are a no-no, but giving massages I hope there are good girls left, performance art complete lack of shame skydiving be my partner in crime dive bars. I’m a nice guy I am currently addicted to I enjoy if you dress up like a pin-up doll for me ask your mother it depends on the night.
If you have an innie belly button there’s no such thing as a typical Friday night work hard play hard unworthy of serious consideration. Giving massages Ayn Rand my beard ask your mother playing devil’s advocate, with morals performance art pics on request be my partner in crime laughing hysterically. Motorcycle collection The Game my lizard tongue you need a real man documentary filmmaker MFA.”
I’m a monster.
Full-contact there’s no such thing as a typical Friday night but I only smoke when drinking unworthy of serious consideration. I grow a creepy mustache every February for real though you should message me documentary filmmaker chivalry is not dead, females the fact that you are even considering schooling me my alter-ego is it’s very hard to meet quality women ages 18 – 22. I tend to be attracted to when I get drunk work hard play hard I’m an enormous man-child with morals younger women.
I don’t really keep a budget everything destructive that I do. I will love you forever see, I told you you will love it. That’s what she said that just proves my point see, I told you blackjack bald is sexy my lizard tongue.
Well hello ladies ;)
I use the Samuel L. Jackson lorem ipsum generator for my Oh Gay Cupid profile and that’s how I get alllllll teh geydies.
COPY THE MOTHERFUCKING CODE BELOW AND PASTE IT WHERE YOU WOULD FUCKING LIKE IT TO APPEAR:
Normally, both your asses would be dead as fucking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this shit while I’m in a transitional period so I don’t wanna kill you, I wanna help you. But I can’t give you this case, it don’t belong to me. Besides, I’ve already been through too much shit this morning over this case to hand it over to your dumb ass.
Winning.
“Just looking to have some fun whiskey honest and direct glass half-full. Parallel parking my height and shoulders vegetarian medical school happy hour, down to earth I’m a good listener Myers-Briggs coffee thinking about trying yoga. Hiking I enjoy On The Road Vampire Weekend I don’t really like talking about myself Woody Allen.
Staying up late someone to provide for you no robots posing as real people I’m the last of a dying breed. Staying up late work hard play hard I will tell you stories forever proper grammar playing devil’s advocate, my deep, manly voice I’m too honest I’m a nice guy staying up late I won’t bite without permission. Please post your real pictures ultramarathons nubile I attract girls who are very good-looking please post your real pictures MFA.”
Hey girl, hey!
COULD YOU IMAGINE A QUEER-GIRL WORD SOUP OF THIS!?!
Picture it 11:30pm passively watching some bad lesbian movie or tv show on Netflix or youtube vids looking at OKC profiles for queer women drinking half-full whiskey ginger ale or wine and variations of this shows up (because match *sigh*):
“Queer/bi/pan/lesbian girl who is into feminism and kittens, kittens and more kittens. All the things Tegan and Sara and gluten-free cupcakes, is a really great in Vegan and I love potlucks, outdoor activities are really fun, #stuffwhitelesbianslike, down with the patriarchy but embraces MOC individuals. I enjoy queer lit and looking for more books to read.”
I’m going to be alone with my whiskey puppies. I’M REALLY FRIENDLY I PROMISE! :D
“Extrovert mountain biking Vampire Weekend Kurosawa. Share a new experience Family Guy coffee my dogs strong and confident, parallel parking Game of Thrones I’m not good at filling out these things passionate about Oxford comma. My favorite word is fascinates me adventures passionate about adventures running shoes.”
I am passionate about adventures running shoes and strong, confident parallel parking.
I wish I could get this for my okcupid matches. Every other word would probably be cats.
I love this sheet! :)
“Oxford comma I’m pretty laid-back sleeping late it depends on the night honest and direct.”
Never before have I been so succinctly described.
“It depends on the night crying in my bathtub you should be clean and intelligent I’m a nice guy that means I am wonderful, I will love you forever if I make fun of you it’s because I like you you need a real man friendzone my other half.”
Guys this machine has distilled the Essence of MRA.
“No crazy chicks I starred in my own reality show throwing rocks at trains giving massages. ”
Yep. Replacing my entire OKC profile with this stuff.