We have gathered here today to briefly recap the events that took place in JoJo Siwa‘s allegedly hotly anticipated music video “Karma,” which is about a bitch named Karma and also about going under the sea, which is a location where we got no troubles because life is the bubbles.

We open, as so many sea mammals do, in the wide expanse of a computer-generated ocean, miles of dark water separating our symbolic raft from a sliver of shore, glimmering in the distant horizon, full of promise, menace and the specter of rhinestone. The sky is haunted by menacing clouds. The island, for some reason, only grows palm trees in two distinct sections with the middle carved out like when Moses parted the Red Sea.

On the shores of Shutter Island we find JoJo Siwa, a bad girl who has done some bad things, like paint a tar-colored line from the middle of her chest to her throat:

It’s giving Bette Porter in noteable L Word episode “Land Ahoy” (2005)!

Anyhow, JoJo explains that the bad things she did “never happened” and “they were a secret,” just like when Shaggy’s girlfriend caught him red handed creeping with the girl next door. So now JoJo is on her island pathway with a girl who is wearing the same thing she wore to skate to “Black Velvet” in Ice Capades ’88. There is some mounting and face sucking going on:

okay just tilt your head *slightly* to the side and I can get the spinach out

As JoJo recalls “another late night” and “another crazy mood” we transition to an Olivia Cruise, a vessel populated by a mixed bag of dancers dressed for a Death and Other Details White Party, complete with martini glasses of CGI water, go-go boots, cocked hips, knee socks and JoJo Siwa hooking up on a bench in the background.

Now THAT’S what I call Music!

“And I didn’t think twice what it would do to you,” JoJo sings, which I believe is an apology to everybody who’s ever been cut off in traffic by the Jojomobile. As she muses about being a “wild child,” an actor giving strong Lindsay Lohan vibes holds her nail to her mouth, gazing in JoJo’s direction. JoJo cannot resist this temptation! So many hotties sparkling with such vivid incandescence! So much screensaver energy!

Hmmm, just one Irish Wish?

Those kids are after me lucky charms

Then! JoJo remembers #1 New York Times Bestseller book The Bible, except she remembers it only a little bit and not the whole way. “Thou shall not lie,” says JoJo Siwa, wearing bedazzled maxi-pads on both shoulders. “Thou shall not cheat,” JoJo continues. Ok

Tell me where you hid the money or your little friend gets her neck cracked!

“Thou shall not get caught,” JoJo sings and then the music stops, our heartbeats quicken in the air of night, and the world slows down JoJo thinks about her life (girls) and her choices (making out with girls).

“Or you’ll end up just like me!” JoJo warns. What does it mean to end up just like JoJo Siwa? Does it mean having a Nacho machine in your kitchen??? No, it means CARTWHEELS!!!!!

HEY OOOOO

“Karma’s a bitch, I should’ve known better,” JoJo continues, doing her dance with all the backup dancers, some of whom are going to fall off that ship if they don’t get down from there.

“If I had a wish, I would’ve never effed around,” says JoJo Siwa. I understand that she is avoiding the word “fuck” but you know, “frack” is right there.

CAPTAIN PLANET POWER

“When I saw the pics of you and her I felt the knife twist,” JoJo Siwa sings, which makes me think about that time that Eve stabbed Villanelle in the gut instead of making out with her, but JoJo is probably thinking about Prince Charming’s Regal Carrousel. Then everybody grabs their crotch and that is between them and God. Then everyone howls at the moon like wolves:

WHO CAN SEE THE ECLIPSE

“Karma is a bitch,” says a now-wistful JoJo, full of regret. Lyndzee Lohan watches JoJo Siwa as she does the only thing one can do after effing around, which is give yourself to the sea!

Tell me it was me all along, tell me it was always me

No

Byeeeeeeeee

Now JoJo has been banished to the bottom of the sea, like the ring that the little old lady threw into the ocean at the end!

“Shе is a good girl, I think she’s boring (Boring),” says JoJo. Now she is talking trash about whomstever the girl she lost is currently dating. “Believe me, twenty minutes later, you’ll be snoring.” Rude!

Despite her evaluation of the Other Girl as as total snooze, JoJo admits that it still kills her to know that the girl hooked up with her, and “now the universe is giving me what I deserve.”

What does JoJo deserve? To be wearing the KISS outfit again like a dark clown!

Anybody wanna grab some cheeseburgers and explore the great beyond

Now Dark JoJo is dancing with her team right there in the water, like when Tom Holland did “Umbrella” on the Lip Sync Battle, which was iconic. As she repeats a verse we’ve already discussed, her dancers lift her in the air and then they change their minds and put her back on the ground.

Hava nagila, Hava nagila, Hava nagila ve-nismeḥa!

Hark! Red Danger girl is back, having crawled her way to shore like an alligator to inspire JoJo to make bad life choices!

I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD

I would like to say that this move is very familiar to me because one time Cindy Scavia did this to me in her basement — like she lifted me up with her feet and my torso was on her feet — and then she flipped me into the air so I could fly like an eagle, but instead I landed on my face and my wrist landed on a baseball, and I broke my wrist, but I wanted to keep playing with Cindy (she was older and very cool) so I told my Mom I was fine, but anyhow it wasn’t fine and then I cried and got a cast and then I had to go to swim lessons with a newspaper bag tied around my cast so it wouldn’t get wet and anyhow I never really learned how to swim, unlike Deep Sea JoJo.

I think we all know what happens next so we don’t have to talk about it.

Is it worth it? Let me work it, I put my thing down flip it and reverse it.

Anyhow, JoJo’s like, “better be good because what goes around comes around” and her and this dancer do some lifts in the water and the ocean spray is floating through the night air like fireflies or like the sprinkler my landlord says we need to have on for 37 minutes, four times a week, which my girlfriend thinks is going to be really expensive on the water bill. What do you think? Let me know in the comments.

Because Jellicles are and Jellicles do!

JoJo sings that when she lays herself down to sleep it’s not your body next to her. I think she is referencing how sometimes your dog sleeps in your bed but sometimes it wants to sleep in its own tiny bed on the floor. Then JoJo has to simply lie in bed with her regrets about selling a makeup palette at Claire’s that had asbestos in it. (She apologized and it was discontinued.)

LET THE RAIN POOR I’LL BE ALL YOU NEED AND MORE

She then explains that the mirror has no sympathy, it’s more like a symphony that won’t let her forget. So now it’s time for a REWIND and the whole music video happens again except backwards!!! But this time there is a TWIST — JoJo is no longer swimming alone in the ocean looking for the remains of the Titanic, now she has a buddy, the bad girl with whom JoJo (also a bad girl) will do bad things.

Ursula said I don’t need to speak bc I can just use my body language do you think that’s true or no

Now we just do a little revisit of all of the makeouts and then JoJo rises back out of the water, like Jesus Christ Superstar. Good for her!!!!

There we have it, the complete recap of “Karma,” a music video brought to you by Dell computers. This is so campy and weird and so I have no choice but to love it a little bit!!

Don’t worry I am writing an entire JoJo Siwa Adult Lesbian Pop Star Rebrand Thinkpiece and you can look forward to that when you’re not trying to massage these lyrics out of your brain where they have already been imprinted potentially forever!

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