There was a time when I would have said I don’t ever want to see an apology letter from my ex. In fact, it’s quite possible I wrote words along the lines of “I hope my ex never reaches out” for this very website. My position on that has changed, and it has to do with the key ingredient when it comes to an Apology Letter: time.

Enough time has passed now that I would not mind an apology letter from my main ex. I’m not sitting around waiting for it, and I don’t think it would fundamentally change anything in my life or even how I look back on that relationship, but it would provide a bit of closure, a rare thing to actually experience when it comes to big breakups. And I like the idea of personal growth for both of us. A well worded and zero-expectations apology letter would show that.

Okay, so I mention time, and what IS the right amount of time to wait? It’s hard, because I think it would very much depend on the relationship and how it ended. For me, I think the right amount of time is equal to the length of the relationship. The second I’d been no contact with my ex for longer than we’d been in a relationship together, I think that’s when I began to shift in terms of feeling okay about the idea of hearing from or even seeing her.

The other key is definitely that zero-expectations aspect. The point of an apology letter to an ex should not be anything other than to apologize. I think in the past I may have defaulted to assuming most apologies from people from your past had some sort of ulterior, self-serving purpose. But I have been the recipient of apology messages from two people in my past in the last few years, and both times, the apology meant so much to me and didn’t feel anything other than clarifying, affirming, and good. In both instances, there was no pressure for me to respond. One was from a friend I’d actually lost in my breakup with my ex and one was from a friend I’d been romantically involved with during the chaos of the immediate time post-breakup with my ex.

That second one was perhaps the best apology text I’ve ever received in my life and demonstrated just how meaningful these kinds of reachouts can be. Time had passed. It was short but also said everything it needed to say. It made me feel instant relief. It really modeled for me what a good apology message looks like.

Once upon a time, I had to email an ex when moving out of our once-shared house. They’d left shit-tons of stuff behind when they moved out a year prior, and I wasn’t sure what the hell to do with it. At some point in this correspondence, I found the present email chain on this topic by searching for their address in my gmail — which is when I saw the apology email they’d sent me months ago. (I’d re-routed all of their emails to my archives as part of my Trauma Therapy Healing Journey) It stunned me, it twisted me inside out, and my god, I was so grateful for it.

Throughout the relationship, I’d been made to feel crazy for thinking [x] was happening as they insisted to me that despite all signs to the contrary, [y] was happening. The apology email put so much of that to bed — I wasn’t wrong, or crazy. Everything I saw and felt from them and suspected was completely true. I appreciated it, deeply.

But I know a lot of people who feel differently, who say apologies are more about the apologizer than the recipient, that they’re really about saving face or absolving oneself of guilt, that you shouldn’t ensnare an old flame in a present inferno, that it’s best to leave well enough alone.

Maybe because I’m a writer and a person who spends a lot of time analyzing and trying to understand my past — why the people around me made the choices they did, why I behaved the way I did — I’m always hungry for more information from said people. Even if it’s self-serving on their behalf! It’s general social etiquette to apologize to someone for doing something wrong, but somehow if it’s an ex… it becomes not ok? That’s interesting to me.

There is one ex and someone I sort of casually dated who I think about apologizing to every now and then but can’t sort out in my head if it would be appropriate or helpful to them or not. I fear it being read as self-serving. The ex is definitely a “clean break” person with breakups (they removed every pic from social media, don’t stay friends with exes, etc), so I don’t know if anything I said to them would be welcome. I think a lot about amends within the context of AA and other recovery programs — the guideline that you shouldn’t reach out if it would harm them more than it would help them, but also I’m curious why the personal growth one does to recover from addiction warrants amends but other forms of personal growth don’t. That’s interesting to me!

On a tangential note, one thing about the ex-girlfriend interviews we used to do was that I do think there was a benefit to processing these things many years after, to better understand ourselves and each other, to make memories more whole or full. But not everybody shares that desire for retroactive introspection that I do. I also love to forgive people. I hate holding personal grudges. I love forgiveness, and a reason to. Gimme one reason to forgive you, and I’ll turn right back around.

So Riese mentioned “the guideline that you shouldn’t reach out if it would harm them more than it would help them” from AA, and it brought to mind a totally self-serving apology text I’d received recently. This person intruded back on my life to text me, exactly: “I’m so sorry. For everything.” This is not an apology letter, and I would argue this is not an apology. Does this person even know what they should be sorry for? Why do they think it’s okay to reach out like this? This is unspecific and therefore insincere and NOT the way to apologize.

However, it highlighted for me what would have been an acceptable apology note/letter/text. That would include reflections and apologies for specific actions, words, and situations that they were taking responsibility for. It would contain details demonstrating that they understand how they caused hurt and harm. It would be obvious that it took a little thought and effort and was not just — perhaps — a sad, drunk text. And it would, above all, not be about them, not centered on the apologizer.

I think a person giving an apology is allowed to hope that it absolves them or relieves some of their guilt or repairs a bridge a little — they just should not go into it expecting that to happen. It should be obvious from the letter that the person apologizing is doing it because they respect the recipient and understand that this respect involves telling the truth, admitting to some ugly things, and showing the recipient that the apologizer knows they hurt that person and that it was not acceptable or justified. If the apology letter meets those qualifications, then you can send it.

I think the nature of a relationship and how it ended are defining qualities in whether apologies afterward are appropriate. My answers would differ greatly between someone who was the perpetrator of a criminally abusive relationship that ended in no-contact/police intervention vs. an ordinary relationship in which there was some minor misbehavior. I also think that rejecting the possibility of apologies like this entirely is both unrealistic, and ignores the capacity of people to actually change and make amends.

If someone was a bad actor in their relationship, the burden to be a better person falls to them. Self-improvement can and should happen without an ex knowing, out of concern of prioritizing the appearance over improvement over actually doing it. In criminal justice, there are different forms of justice that match different needs and cultures. Retributive justice prioritizes punishment. Restorative justice focuses on making the victim whole again on their terms. Procedural justice is about ensuring that everyone receives fair treatment during the process of seeking justice. And so forth. While criminal justice concepts don’t always apply to relationships, I think it’s important to see that apologies can be a part of justice-seeking.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: Before reconnecting or attempting an apology, the main things I’d focus on are whether it’s appropriate to make contact based on the harm caused. And what kind of resolution or closure are being sought and how they can benefit the person who was victimized. An apology made with the intention of procuring forgiveness is not a good apology because it favors the wrongdoer. By default, good apologies leave room for the recipient to reject them because it’s their right to do so. The recipient or aggrieved party should hold the agency here. Apologies are also far more valuable if paired with evidence of change, improvement, or an effort to restore the victim. If a misbehavior led to property damage, the apology could look better with an offer for restitution. If the misbehavior was personal, an account of responsibility detailing the harm caused and how it’s been addressed is good to see.

I’ve delivered a number of apologies to exes (not in letter format), and they’ve been well-received. Although, the context is that we remained friends after the relationship ended so an apology was still appropriate and didn’t violate a no-contact agreement. The circumstances change dramatically if the harm was severe or there’s a no-contact policy in place.

I think acknowledging your past mistakes can be helpful. The tough part is really taking inventory of where the apology or acknowledging is coming from. I think a lot of times it can be hard to separate your ego from being the driver of the acknowledgment to begin with. If you know historically your way of communicating has destabilized your ex in any way, it might be a good rule of thumb to just leave them alone.

I’m unsure if there’s ever a reason for a post-relationship apology letter. As I type this, I also realize I’ve sent one and it didn’t fare as well as I thought it would. While I meant well when sending it, it was so single-sided. I think maybe a conversation about everything could’ve been better, but for who? If I’ve caused the pain, why would the apology need to quell me? Feels selfish. The damage was already done.

The only apologies that have gone well have been with exes I’m still friends with, where we’re actively able to witness evolution and growth and the full breadth of past mistakes is observed and understood. Then the apology feels full. I have received an apology letter from a few exes, and there’s only one that felt good to read. We’d been broken up and gone no contact for several years. We reconnected after she had children to rebuild a friendship, and her apology was warm, full of compassion and understanding. And at that point, I had already forgiven her before she even apologized, so I was able to hold her apology with love and care. It was void of ego or expectation.

On the other hand, I’ve received an apology from another ex and, while I’m sure she meant well, it still read vapid. There was a ton of outside blaming for why she did what she did. It was as if me receiving the apology would absolve her of her own guilt or shame. I accepted the apology but only to cut the communication.

I have never received an apology letter from an ex nor have I ever sent one. It’s not something I feel opposed to as a practice; it just hasn’t really happened. I have considered sending an ex best friend, one I grew up with, an apology letter for some shitty things I did when we were teenagers. I go back and forth on whether it’d be appropriate or not. When I really break it down, the main things I’m considering are: Is this person thinking about this as frequently/in the same way I am? Have they already moved past this and therefore will only be hurt by it coming back up? Will it serve me more than it serves them? I think one of my biggest fears in these instances is that it’s only a self-serving action for the sender and does more harm than good for the recipient.

That being said, there are quite a few ex partners and ex friends I would not mind getting some kind of apology note from. While I’ve never received a letter from an ex apologizing for something, I did recently get brunch with an ex, and an apology did take place. Towards the end of our already very short relationship, which was open, they broke a bunch of the rules we had in place and ultimately, in my opinion, cheated. At the time, we disagreed on whether or not what they did was considered cheating considering we were in an open relationship. My stance was (and still is) that you can absolutely cheat in an open relationship, since it’s so rooted in boundaries and agreed upon limits. So, if those are broken or not honored, then you’re not following the “code” of the relationship and therefore cheating. They saw it differently and also did not want to be labeled a “cheater,” which I assured them wouldn’t have to be the case. The whole thing made me feel a bit insecure and frustrated that I felt cheated on but this partner didn’t feel as though they cheated. At this brunch a few months ago, they let me know they’ve reflected a ton and have since been in a long-term open relationship and understand that what they did when we were together was cheating.

I appreciated hearing this so much and would have if it was written in a text or email or written note, but it was definitely nice to hear it face-to-face. For all the reasons the others have listed above, I think this was an acceptable apology. They took accountability, they validated my feelings, and articulated how and why they have learned from it. It didn’t feel like they were burdened by guilt but rather were finally able to put themselves in my shoes, so the fact that they wanted to acknowledge that meant a lot to me. I think if they had texted me “Hey, been thinking, wanted to say sorry for everything,” I would have just ignored it.

I will say, in response to the specific question of what parameters make a post-relationship apology appropriate, I think it’s an absolute no-go if the person is still displaying, perpetuating, or participating in the same behaviors that made the apology necessary in the first place. I don’t want a drunken apology text from an ex whose drinking caused issues. I don’t want an apology letter from an ex who cheated on me because they just cheated on by their new partner and are now spiraling.

I’ve never sent an apology email to a romantic ex, but I did send one to an ex-best friend, and I admit it was very self-serving. I only have one true ex, and honestly, I can’t see myself ever sending him an apology letter or email. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge that I played a part in the problems of our relationship. It’s simply that acknowledging those faults were part of my growth journey and didn’t really happen because I felt bad for the ways our relationship failed. I needed to heal, and part of my healing was seeing my shortcomings. I don’t need his forgiveness really; it wouldn’t change anything in my mind.

My ex has never made an effort to genuinely apologize to me in any way. Honestly, I think it’s because he sees himself as a victim and believes I ruined his life. All these years later, he really can’t see all of the ways he also contributed to the demise of our relationship. Because we share a child, we’re still in contact, and we’ve had one honest conversation post-breakup that was not productive at all. At that time, I didn’t even want an apology; I just wanted acknowledgement that I wasn’t the only one who made mistakes.

That being said, if he wanted to really apologize, I’d welcome it! From him, an apology would mean he had done some deep emotional work, and I would be pleased to see him making an effort. I’m not holding my breath, but if he decided to do it on his deathbed, it would have been soon enough.

I’ve never received a letter from an ex, but in a way, I’ve written some. By ex, I mean someone I never fully dated but had an on and off multi-year thing with. And by letter, I mean a Valentine’s Day letter, a physical handwritten letter, and a series of texts apologizing for my part in our very weird situationship. It didn’t help my situation at all, not because it was harmful, but because nothing happened. It didn’t do anything for them (as far as I know), and it didn’t do anything for me. They just exist in a void and remain unanswered.

I’m a very, very, very strong believer in no-contact breakups. If we are clearly breaking up, there needs to be a clean break. And for a significant period of time. Once that happens, I think a letter of apology is acceptable. However, all the stipulations my fellow writers included definitely apply. If there’s been abuse, foul play, harmful toxicity, or danger, then maybe it’s best to let things remain as they are. Again, like a few other writers have already emphasized, don’t reach out if you think it’ll do more harm than good for you or for them. If you feel like you NEED to, I would question that pressing urge. Is it really for your own healing or theirs? Or are there ulterior motives? What’s your endgoal here?

If I’m being brutally honest, I don’t think there are very many scenarios in which sending an apology letter would do more good than harm. It seems like there’s a lot of room for more drama, hurt feelings, and complications.

I can think of few things less awful for me personally than receiving an apology letter from an ex. Thank god I never have!!! Don’t apologize to me, just kill me in your mind. Please. I’m begging you.

That said, I’ve never sent an apology letter either, though I’ve certainly entertained the thought of doing so, especially as I’ve grown in emotional maturity, age, and the like. I’ve proofread an apology letter a time or two, however, and that helps inform why I think there are very specific parameters to making an apology letter appropriate.

I think that first one must consider whether or not the other person wants your apology and if you’re doing this out of an actual want to repair past harms or to assuage your own guilt. If it’s just your own guilt, definitely do not send it! Ever! Sit with it instead, I promise it’s kinder than the alternative, and it will hopefully bring about some growth for you, too. Plus, you have to think about the extent of the harm brought about on both sides, how the relationship ended, and if you’re prepared to be respectful and even keeled if it doesn’t go the way you planned. Are you prepared to be told to go fuck yourself? Or worse? If not, again, don’t send.

However, if you’ve really thought about it, feel/know how the other person would be game, and are prepared for the worst, I think something sent with good intentions, that has been thoughtfully prepared, and specifically addressed wrongdoing/general shitheadness/etc. is a worthwhile effort.

I think a sincere apology is always good in theory. As someone who’s received an apology from an ex, it can be very healing.

I’ve sent an apology email to a different ex-partner, and she didn’t respond. Years later, she let me know she didn’t really appreciate it. She felt like I was relieving my own guilt more than anything. She also felt the gap between the end of the relationship and my apology (probably about a year) dug up old feelings for her, which was uncomfortable. Which I get. So my caveat is…maybe take into account if that person would really want to hear from you and what your motivation is for sending it!