If I could sum up the vibe of the response to last month’s release of the Ocean’s Eight trailer, it would be: unsafe. Queer women of all ages and creeds were threatening future riots in movie theaters if a kiss between two of the characters didn’t happen, which, if we’re being honest, was fair. The trailer took a finely tuned dog whistle and turned it into a megaphone with an airhorn filter.
What takes this from subtext to foreground is not the calculated glances or the ear whispers or the close talking THAT WE’VE BEEN BURNED BY BEFORE, but the ensemble of tops. One after another, scene after scene, tops as far as the eye can see. Rejoice! It’s a new year, all men are in hell, and one of the most anticipated movies of the year is backed by a queer cast of women who could destroy us all.
Here are the tops ranked by top energy.
1. Anne Hathaway
This is going to blow several or all of your bangs back, but Anne Hathaway has THE most top energy in this entire trailer. I see the eyes and the gait and the knowing smirk and the hair toss and I know there is not a vers bone in her body. The kind of top energy that Anne Hathaway has in this trailer is seeing someone and thinking they’re peak pillow princess, only to later realize you’re considering giving them all of your money for reasons that are unclear to even you.
2. Cate Blanchett
This is a pant-suited Cate Blanchett in the kind of natural leg spread that would make a young Jodi Foster seethe with envy. Goodnight and good luck.
I don’t think there’s a world, fictional or otherwise, in which Rihanna is not one of the toppiest people in the room just by existing. She levels up in this trailer – and with that, tops Sandra – with just four words and a couple of icy stares.
4. Sandra Bullock
Sandy babe. GOIRL. Her flashes of vulnerability are not bottom-leaners but top-sleepers. Malleable top at its greatest.
5. Awkwafina (Nora Lum)
IRL rapper Awkwafina is lookin’ like a primo fuckboi whose third to fourth self summary item – right after her name and how she’s about to launch a mixed media empire – is that you can call her daddy.
6. Helena Bonham Carter
Helena, with zero help in the name department, is crying in a lot of these trailer shots, which might take you on an a = b journey, but pair that sensitivity with the quiet desperation of a woman with nothing to lose and you’ve got yourself the chaotic top of your dreams.
7. Sarah Paulson / Mindy Kaling
It’s a tie for the bottom of the tops. Both are seemingly sheltered, but go from passive to active at the drop of a hat.
We’ll all need strength soon, so let’s wish each other well in the comments.