We’ve all been there: You have the sudden urge to text your ex-girlfriend. Whether you’re trying to send a simple “hey,” the classic “I miss what we had,” or just trying to get back that DVD box set of a season of your favorite television show, this is your one-stop shop for how to write…and then delete…and then rewrite…and then delete a text to your ex-girlfriend. Yes, the ultimate goal here is to delete and never send what you were going to send, sweet summer child. Don’t do it! Don’t text your ex! But okay, fine, I guess realistically you’re going to go through the motions of typing, deleting, retyping, deleting, etc etc, perhaps on a loop forever. So long as you land on deleting eventually, I guess it’s fine.
Here’s how each step breaks down. Follow this process closely the next time you’re tempted to text your ex.
1. Write the text
Okay, now look in the mirror. This is you:
2. Delete the text
Yeah, I bet you don’t want to send it anymore now that you’ve seen yourself in the mirror. Truth hurts, don’t it?
3. Rewrite the text
Goddamnit, I knew you were going to do this. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? No really, I need you to make a list of the reasons you’re doing this. And then burn the list. Go over to your little junk drawer and get out a lighter and, oh no, isn’t that the lighter you and your ex got from that souvenir shop on a weekend beach trip? NO, NO! STAY WITH ME! STOP REMINISCING AND WALKING DOWN GAY MEMORY LANE. LOOK AT ME! PUT THE LIGHTER AND YOUR PHONE DOWN.
4. Delete the text
Maybe set your phone on fire with the cursed nostalgic lighter!!!!!! Throw it in the ocean! Throw the lighter in the ocean, too!
But wait. Maybe your ex was watching her phone the whole time…maybe she saw those three dots appearing and disappearing and appearing. Maybe she’ll be the one to reach out first. And then you can spiral as you think about the perfect response.
