We’re revisiting this classic Autostraddle piece on queer dating as we get back to dating basics in partnership with HER’s Queer Dating 101, a series of live edutainment events that brings in concrete how-tos, insights, experts and some of your favorite Autostraddle personalities to help you find love (or whatever you’re looking for) in the time of corona. Check out Autostraddle’s Dating Download writers, Shelli, Dani and Drew, talking Flirting 101 TONIGHT, Thursday 1/14 at 6 PST/9 EST!
Last month, I asked y’all to share the hottest sexts you’d ever sent or received, and while I got a few really sexy submissions, I mostly heard from folks who weren’t sure their sexts were hot enough, or weren’t confident enough to send sexts in the first place. Sexting is one of the hot joys of life in 2020, a time when honestly we cannot take joy for granted. As such, I want to help you gain confidence when sending that text, that selfie, that voice note recording your latest and greatest orgasm (yeah you heard me, sexting is a multimedia world now, hell yeah fucking right).
I think a misconception is that you need to be dating to sext, or you can only send your longtime gal pal sexts, etc. While that may have been true back at one point – sexting does take a specific level of trust in the age of screenshots and phone leaks, what technology giveth it also complicateth, etc – anecdotally I can say it’s not really true anymore. While of course I would still advise you to take care when sexting, make sure you can accept the fall out of having your words or nudes shared in some capacity, and generally be realistic that none of us can really guarantee 100% privacy in the world of Big Data, I can also tell you that casual sexting is a totally normal and fine part of modern dating. If you don’t want to that’s absolutely cool, but if you do, you will certainly find many humans who will partake in this act with you. My friends and I have sexted hot babes we’ve matched with on Tinder and Lex before we actually met them in person, we’ve sexted random strangers who slide into our Instagram DMs who we have no intention of ever meeting in person, we’ve sexted casual dates, we’ve sexted each other… the point is, sexts are no longer reserved for your spouse.
Here is a beginner’s guide to sending really hot sexts. You’re welcome.
1. Make Sure Everyone Involved Actually Wants To Be Sexting
Consent is crucial. Like any other sex or sex-adjacent act, you’ve gotta make sure all parties are consenting and you’ve gotta take care that you’re addressing the person you’re sexting with in a way they enjoy. There are many ways to consent to sending and receiving sexts. If you’re flirting in a text-based way and things seem to be getting sexier, you can do a quick check-in and see if it’s cool to get more explicit without killing the flirty vibe. Here are some examples for texts you could hypothetically send to confirm that sexting is cool with this particular babe: You’re so fun to flirt with… would it be okay if I sent you some NSFW photos?, or ugh you’re so hot, how do you feel about sexting?, or I’m kind of shy to ask this but I feel like we’re about to start sexting… just wanted to check that you’re into that before I dive in?, or hey would it be okay if I sext you, either right now or some other time? There are a million ways to ask someone if they’re into sexy texting, but those are just four examples to get you started or inspire you to create your own prototype. Something I like to do the first few times I sext with a new babe is to establish if they’re always down to receive dirty texts/photos/etc or if it’s something we should check in about every time. I usually ask very bluntly, is it cool for me to sext you whenever or would you rather I give you a heads up before?, or I know you work 9-5, is it okay for me to send you nudes while you’re at the office or should I wait until after 6pm?
2. Learn the Language That Makes Your Sexting Partner Feel Good
Everyone likes different things – this holds true for physical sex acts as well as the language we use to describe those sex acts. It also holds true for the way we all describe our bodies. While one person may love the word tits to describe her, well, tits, someone else may be really turned off by that word and would way prefer boobs. Some people, regardless of their gender identity and presentation, may regard their chest as, well, a chest. Some folks don’t mind using dick and cock interchangeably, but many babes have a specific preference. It doesn’t have to be an explicit ask – if they sext you I can’t stop thinking about your fingers in my pussy, it’s pretty safe to assume they feel good about referring to their pussy with that specific word and will feel good with you using that word, too – but I like to veer on the side of extreme clarity (lol, everyone is shocked) and even in that situation, I would probably at some point check in and confirm. You can say something like, it was so hot earlier when you said you couldn’t stop thinking about my fingers inside you – btw, is pussy always a good word to use? You can also follow up with additional questions: Do you like other words too? Are there any words that are totally off-limits?
Though these conversations are always extremely important, especially when it comes to queer sex and queer bodies, they take on a different kind of weight when you’re sexting because you have to literally use your words to describe what’s going on. When you’re hanging out with someone in person, lying on a bed together, you can ask “where do you want me to touch you?” and they can point to a body part and you don’t necessarily have to know what word they use for that specific part of their body before you can enthusiastically start touching them. When you’re sexting, you need to be very clear on language. And that’s hot! If you’re working out your power dynamics, definitely communicate about that too, and then use those dynamics as a sexy way to share information. I like the word cock, not dick, and I’ll expect you to remember that is a hot way to state your needs while also taking charge. Can I touch my cunt, please? is super hot and gives your sexting partner clues about how submissive you’re feeling and also how to refer to your body. If they’re thorough they’ll take the hint and follow up with any additional questions they may have.
I like to finish conversations about language/bodies/dynamics/anything vulnerable by saying thank you, because no matter how casual the sexts, it actually is an intimate thing to do with another human and I am always grateful. It doesn’t have to be a big grand gesture, it could just be something like this: Thank you for helping me figure out the best way to turn you on via sext, I can’t wait to use this knowledge for good (and evil) in the future!!!
3. Personalize The Sexting Experience
Okay listen, we all have our Moves. It’s fine if you have certain language you always use when sexting, or if you have specific fantasies that just always get you off because they’re your ultimate fantasies and the brain/heart/bod want what the brain/heart/bod want! That’s normal and valid and completely understandable.
That said, you should not be copying and pasting your sexts from one date into your steamy conversations with another. If you’re just starting to sext with someone brand new, take some time and feel out what they’re specifically into — it’s fun to explore what your unique dynamic might be with someone. If you have multiple dates, your sexting experiences with each of them should feel personal and specific to the dynamic the two (or more!) of you have together. Just like the IRL sex you have with different people differs (even if your main likes/dislikes/kinks/etc remain the same), you should treat each sexting experience as a personal project you are embarking on with that specific human. Everyone likes to make out, but maybe you really like the way your one date bites their bottom lip before they lean in, and then how they kind of bite your lower lip, and how when they pull away you know you have some of their lipstick on your face because it’s a little messed up on their face, and wow the whole making out experience with them is so bite-y and lipstick-y and damn, it is just really hot, wow! Well okay yes that does sound super hot, so sext about that when you’re sexting with this specific date, not just about “making out” as a generic activity.
The only time I will contradict myself with regards to this sexting suggestion is when it comes to nudes and thirst traps. This is controversial, but I think it’s absolutely fine to reuse hot photos you’ve taken of yourself when sexting casually. We all only have so much time on this earth before it burns right up! We all only have so much fancy lingerie! We all only have so many angles! Some people say you should take new nudes every time to which I say, goddess bless your whole heart, but I do not have the energy or bandwidth for that! On the flip side, I have also heard some people complain when they find out they are receiving a nude that isn’t hyper personalized just for them, to which I say ARE YOU KIDDING, IF YOU RECEIVE A NUDE, I DO NOT CARE HOW MANY OTHER EYEBALLS HAVE BEEN ON IT, YOU SAY THANK YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL MONSTER!!!
4. Get Creative: Think Outside the Box and the Body
The best thing about sexting is that the sky is the limit when it comes to describing sex. When you’re actually sharing physical space with another being in a human skin suit, everyone involved has to face the sometimes inconvenient realities and boundaries of our bodies. In text, we can do away with some of those boundaries. Do you love spanking your date but you inevitably get tired before she does? Not when you’re sexting you don’t! Do you wish you had more experience with [insert literally any sex act here]? Well not only can you describe the heck out of it when you’re sexting, but that’s actually a great space to practice getting comfortable with that act, thinking through what it might be like to do it, gauging your sexting buddy’s comfort with it, etc. Are you a huge fan of elaborate, complicated scenes but you’re also not someone with a ton of free time or energy to create those scenes? Please type up the elaborate, complicated scene of your dreams!
The thing about sexting is it should be fun. Try not to put a ton of pressure on yourself or your sexting partners to like, “be really good at sexting.” If you’re at a loss about where to start, think about the ways in which you could take a really low risk first step. Saying something like I can’t wait to kiss you on Friday night is pretty tame, but now your sexting pal is thinking about spending time with you on Friday night, and putting their lips on your lips, and… who knows what else! That’s a great beginning for a sexting conversation. If you took some really good photos of your butt last week (which, congrats, it is so hard to get a really solid butt angle!) and you want to share them with a sexting pal, you can start there and let them compliment your butt a lot (the only appropriate reaction to receiving butt photos). I mentioned voice notes at the beginning of this article, and depending on your comfort and your vocal responses when you orgasm, you could simply send a recording of you masturbating. Give your sexting partner a heads up that the voice note they’re about to receive is NSFW (even if you’ve established that you are always available to sext and don’t usually pre-negotiate consent before texts or photos… the likelihood of someone thoughtlessly pressing play on a voice note in a public place is way too high not to give a little warning, in my humble opinion) and then go wild making yourself come. No words or descriptions necessary, just a very sexy surprise for your very lucky sexting partner.
Okay but what if you literally want instructions. I wrote you some instructions! Here is an extremely customizable guide to Writing Hot Sexts, complete with examples and demonstrations about how to turn a mediocre sext into an A++ sext.
A. Compliment + Action
Instructions: Begin with a compliment about the person’s body, then move on to an action you would like to do to this body part, being as specific as possible – this means choosing your nouns, verbs, and adjectives with great purpose and intention.
Mediocre sext: You have the hottest ass – can’t wait to see it on Friday.
A++ sext: Your ass is so hot, the way it looks when you wear those tight sparkly leggings absolutely kills me… will you wear those for me on Friday? With a thong, maybe? I want to spend all night at the bar imagining how good it’s going to feel when we get home and I bend you over and slip those leggings over your perfect ass and down your thighs…
B. Describe a Scene In Great Detail
Instructions: Anyone can say I can’t wait to fuck this weekend, but you’re on your way to becoming a champion-level sexter, and champions build a world and set a scene. Forgive me for being a professional writer, but let’s think of this as a writing exercise. You are creating a whole mood. You are telling a story! Go slow. Move from moment to moment with great care. Use concrete sensory details. If you’ve no idea what I’m talking, read some erotica or honestly just read your favorite fiction and copy those writers! What are the things that draw you in when you’re reading? Take those tools and use them in your own writing – which, at the present moment, is all about sex.
Mediocre sext: I’d love to fuck you on your couch again!
A++ sext: Fucking you on your couch last week was so incredible I truly cannot stop thinking about it. When you pushed me down and straddled me, holy shit. I was so wet for you immediately – I could feel myself soaking my briefs – and when you took off your bra and let me suck on your tits I almost passed out. I want your nipple in my mouth again, I want to tease you and bite down gently, I want to hear those little moans you make and then I want you to start begging me for more… (well, you get the idea!)
Instructions: This one is more you-centric. If you’ve never actually had sex with this person before, or if you’re not sure what they’d like or what your dynamic will look like, or if you’re simply wanting to situate yourself as the main character in your story, describing a fantasy and asking your partner to contribute to this fantasy with you is a great option. This can be simple (describing a sex act you love) or extremely elaborate (describing like, the hottest most improbable wildest dream outlandish scenario you can barely wrap your brain around) but the important thing is to be very specific and to build in places where your sexting partner can participate.
Mediocre sext: I’m dreaming about you going down on me… would you like that?
A++ sext: Okay picture this: we’re both naked, in the middle of a forest, lying on a soft velvet blanket and eating fresh berries. We start making out, and you’re holding onto my hips and pulling me close. You break off the kiss and grab my ponytail, gently tugging it so that I turn my head and you can whisper in my ear… will you tell me what you’d like to do to me?
D. Play By Play
Instructions: Literally describe what’s going on for you! This is specifically a great option when you’re masturbating or getting ready for a date. Describe exactly what you’re doing to your sexting partner. Paint a picture with your words. Make it so that if you sent a photo or a video the recipient would say, oh yeah, that’s exactly what I pictured in my brain because you described it so clearly! Specificity is so hot!
Mediocre sext: I’m jacking off thinking about you right now.
A++ sext: I got distracted earlier looking at the selfie you sent me yesterday… which led to me climbing back into bed and pulling out my Hitachi… and now I’m naked, drenched in sweat, and recovering from my third orgasm. Thanks babe!
E. Short and Sweet
Instructions: You don’t always want sexting to be a whole thing – sometimes you just want something brief and to the point to remind a babe you’re thinking about positively railing them later. In these instances, take the above rules and condense them. Think about the most personalized short message you could send. You want to take stuff that only you and your sexting babe would say to each other or know about each other and really emphasize the sexual aspect of it.
Mediocre sext: Late to work ’cause I was thinking about you naked! Have a good day!
A++ sext: Late to work ’cause I was thinking about you naked and how much fun we’d have co-topping [insert famous celeb you and your babe always joke about having a threesome with]! Have a good day!
All instructions aside, the harsh truth is that I cannot tell you how to send a sext that is super hot, because what’s super hot to me may not be super hot to you, or to the person you’re sexting, and vice versa. It’s possible that you read my A++ sext examples and rolled your eyes the whole way through because they didn’t do it for you at all. That’s fine! (I am actually very nervous about publishing this article with these examples because it’s so awkward to write sext examples without having another person to respond… it feels like performing a monologue when I’m supposed to be in dialogue with someone else! I swear to god my actual sexts, whether you would find them hot or not, are absolutely less stilted and more conversational!) But anyway, the main point of this guide is to give you some explicit actionable items and encourage you to experiment and get creative with your language. There are probably ways to sext that I haven’t even thought of yet. If you make it personal and get creative, you’ve already got a very good chance of blowing your sexting partner’s mind.
5. Practice Good After-Care!
When is sexting over? Hard to say! When is lesbian sex over? Truly no one knows! And yet we muddle on.
A weird thing about being a human in 2020 is that most of us are at least somewhat attached to our phones, which means we’re always sort of “available” even when we’re not available, and it’s hard to mark a proper end to a conversation (sexy or otherwise) when there’s no explicit way to like, hang up the phone or leave the room. That said, it’s nice to try to find a rhythm or routine for how you and your sexting bud want to wrap up a hot session. Whether you take your sexts seriously or not, you’re still being sexy and vulnerable with another human, and it’s simply polite to make sure everyone feels good about the exchange.
Sometimes the goal of sexting is to both orgasm, sometimes the goal can just be to flirt, sometimes there is no goal and it’s just a casual thing you intersperse with your less-sexy texts through the day/week. If there’s a reasonable “conclusion” to your sexting, I think it’s nice to wrap things up. You can use a lot of emojis to express your pleasure and gratitude (I’m partial to the water droplets, the tongue, the smiley face with a halo, or a pink heart to conclude a sexting experience), you can simply say thank you, you can use a lot of enthusiastic exclamation points as you explain that you’re about to pass the fuck out and fall asleep with the biggest grin on your face, or you can process how you’re feeling. Another great way to conclude is with a nude, featuring your blissed out state.
If your sexting is never really “beginning” because it’s sort of ongoing – like if sending highly charged sexual messages to your girlfriend or casual sexy flirtations to a babe you met on Lex is just a regular part of your texting rapport – you don’t necessarily need to do anything to “officially end” a sexting session. In those cases make sure no one feels bad if their sexts get left on read for hours at a time, and never ignore a sext indefinitely. We’re all busy people, but a sext is special even if it’s casual, and it deserves acknowledgement and gratitude!
What’s your best tip for writing absolutely scorching sexts? What is the hottest sext you’ve ever received? Do you leave your read receipts on? Just wondering.
Want to learn more? Register for the Flirting 101 event with HER host Nicole Lim and Autostraddle’s Drew, Dani and Shelli TONIGHT, Thursday 1/14 and check out the other upcoming Queer Dating 101 events!