Holigay Quiz: Which Christmas Monster Should You Date?

A swirly background in blues, oranges, and golds. The words HOLIDAYS 2022 are on torn gold paper, along with the Autostraddle logo.

Holigays 2022 // Header by Viv Le

Oh you thought Halloween was the spookiest time of year? I would like to argue that we, perhaps, consider a throwback or several. The 12 days of Christmas, in Christian European culture [with various exports to the US and elsewhere], was once considered THE most haunted time of year. The Yule season is a time of demons and witches, of ghosts and ogres, ghouls and trolls, a time to keep your doors locked, your fires lit, and your mortal ass safely ensconced in blankets.

Now, as for YOU, dear reader, it has come to our attention that this year, you find yourself personally torn between staying safe from the Wild Hunt that rampages through the night in the darkest days of winter and the fact that it’s, well, cuffing season and you don’t care if those cuffs are the ones at the ends of the chains around Krampus’ wrists because Hell or high water, you’re finding a holidate, even [or especially] if it’s a Christmas monster.

With so many to choose from, we know it can be hard to figure out who you should ask out and/or lure to your home with naughty acts. Lucky for you, we have this quiz to help you determine just which Christmas monster you should date!

P.S. I hope Yule share what you think of your date in the comments!

Choose a kind of winter weather situation:(Required)
Pick a sin:(Required)
Choose a Christmas Movie
Choose an "erotic" Christmas stock photo.
You're walking down a crowded street, lined with businesses. People rush by you, trying to get their holiday errands done. Someone just completely bumps into you without apologizing, you drop what you're carrying, pick it up and look to the right. Then, between two buildings is a house you've never seen before. It's strange that it's there. It shouldn't be because you could have sworn these two businesses were actually right next to each other last time you were here. The vacuum fixer and the used game shop should be adjacent, but no, there is this curious little house between them with a funny little wrought iron gate. You open the gate and approach the house. It's made of gingerbread! There's a sign next to it that reads: "Go ahead. Take some." You look closer. The house is covered in what looks like wholly real, entirely edible candy. What an interesting artwork! And how lucky that this person bumped into you! You would have never seen it otherwise. Which candy do you choose?(Required)
Now that you have your candy, you check your belongings again. It's all there, even if you need to rearrange everything in your bag again. What are you carrying?(Required)
As you're walking, you get a little hungry. Good thing you have that candy! You pull the candy out of the bag, but something doesn't feel right. It's different. In fact, it's something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. What has the candy turned into...or perhaps...what has it been all along?
Pick a gingerbread!(Required)
What chore are you the LEAST likely to get done when you had planned or wanted to?(Required)
So, you know you're probably going to get a call about your date soon. But where would you go for your ideal winter date if it was 100% up to you?(Required)
You have some time to "sleigh" before your date, so you decide to get out the project you've been working on. What are you occupying yourself with?
Okay, so now you're sitting alone at home, working on your project in the early winter dark, when you hear someone or SOMETHING tapping on the window. You shut off your music, hold your breath and listen. Was it just the winter wind? No, the sound comes again, insistant. Before you go to check it out, what do you grab?(Required)
Oh! It's actually your date! Neat! They're early, but you're more or less ready. This is fine. You go to grab a little gift you got them. What did you get for them?(Required)

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Nico

Nico Hall is Autostraddle's and For Them's Membership Editorial and Ops Dude, and has been working in membership and the arts for over a decade. They write nonfiction both creative and the more straightforward variety, too, as well as fiction. They are currently at work on a secret project. Nico is also haunted. You can find them on Twitter and Instagram. Here's their website, too.

Nico has written 227 articles for us.

52 Comments

  1. I’m a pagan who loves to bake for people – the Italian Christmas witch is perfect for me!

    PS: as a weapon I would grab my cast iron frying pan and/or the large kitchen knife. My fabric and crafting scissors are fabric-only, I’m not ruining them for self defence.

  2. I got the Mari Lwyd, I am guessing we met when I accidentally tried to collect her skull, not realizing someone was still using it and set up our date from there.

    The knock at the door/choose your weapon question made me laugh because I have a dedicated ensemble for confronting weird sounds outside at night (the weird sounds are raccoons trying to get into my garbage cans no matter how many anti-raccoon devices/methods I employ).

    • I also got Mari Lwyd and am pretty sure we have the same meet cute. When I saw this quiz I thought, oh, I already know I’m dating Mari Lwyd. Also earlier this month I considered whether I should check all my ethical bone supply places for a mare skull or make one from papier-mâché and then decided my apartment is too small for that seasonal decor. So dating is the next best option.

  3. My first tho got was I don’t need to take this quiz, I know I’m asking out Mari Lwyd. But I took it anyway and guess what my results were? Thanks for the spooky Christmas representation

  4. I was skeptical of this quiz but my answer is perfect. I’m part Italian and I always bake (gluten-free) Christmas cookies to share with friends and family.

    “You should date La Befana, the Italian Christmas witch! For many queer people, witchcraft has been about reclaiming power — and La Befana is no exception as she basically takes Santa’s journey into her own hands, flying through the sky and bringing baked goods and gifts to kids on the eve of the Epiphany / Three Kings Day (the eve is January 5, Epiphany is January 6). La Befana is everything you could want in a super witchy, ultra mommi date. Plus, if she catches you looking at her, she’ll whack you with her broom! Gifts AND impact play? Hot!”

  5. Mari Llwyd! Here for the musical battle, despite not having the confidence I could win it :P

    Also, feeling very called out by “Acedia (a vintage sin, knowing what you should do but not doing it)” as I sit on the couch PMSing and procrastinating on work

  6. “This German witch — or maybe demon — comes to your home and if you haven’t done your cleaning, she rips out your guts, fills your cavity with garbage, and sews you back up.” Wow, not trying to kink shame Frau Perchta but that’s a bit much for me. We’ll definitely have a date in my nightmares.

  7. frau perchta so although i will go down fighting apparently rip to me BUT

    i want to thank you for building in possibilities for “i am under no circumstances taking candy from a house that MAGICALLY APPEARED BETWEEN TWO BUILDINGS in what world is that not a setup” even if i had to lie about being vegetarian, hearing a sound and just.. going to look, and not weirding out my first date by giving them, a total stranger, presents. i feel so seen.

  8. Thank you, this was fun– I got Mari Llwyd! Looking forward to the musical battle– a date where I get to learn some new songs seems like an excellent date. (Not saying I signed up for an entire music class because the teacher was cute, but not NOT saying that, either.)

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