Holigay Quiz: Which Christmas Monster Should You Date?

Oh you thought Halloween was the spookiest time of year? I would like to argue that we, perhaps, consider a throwback or several. The 12 days of Christmas, in Christian European culture [with various exports to the US and elsewhere], was once considered THE most haunted time of year. The Yule season is a time of demons and witches, of ghosts and ogres, ghouls and trolls, a time to keep your doors locked, your fires lit, and your mortal ass safely ensconced in blankets.

Now, as for YOU, dear reader, it has come to our attention that this year, you find yourself personally torn between staying safe from the Wild Hunt that rampages through the night in the darkest days of winter and the fact that it’s, well, cuffing season and you don’t care if those cuffs are the ones at the ends of the chains around Krampus’ wrists because Hell or high water, you’re finding a holidate, even [or especially] if it’s a Christmas monster.

With so many to choose from, we know it can be hard to figure out who you should ask out and/or lure to your home with naughty acts. Lucky for you, we have this quiz to help you determine just which Christmas monster you should date!

P.S. I hope Yule share what you think of your date in the comments!

Choose a kind of winter weather situation:(Required)
Pick a sin:(Required)
You're walking down a crowded street, lined with businesses. People rush by you, trying to get their holiday errands done. Someone just completely bumps into you without apologizing, you drop what you're carrying, pick it up and look to the right. Then, between two buildings is a house you've never seen before. It's strange that it's there. It shouldn't be because you could have sworn these two businesses were actually right next to each other last time you were here. The vacuum fixer and the used game shop should be adjacent, but no, there is this curious little house between them with a funny little wrought iron gate. You open the gate and approach the house. It's made of gingerbread! There's a sign next to it that reads: "Go ahead. Take some." You look closer. The house is covered in what looks like wholly real, entirely edible candy. What an interesting artwork! And how lucky that this person bumped into you! You would have never seen it otherwise. Which candy do you choose?(Required)
Now that you have your candy, you check your belongings again. It's all there, even if you need to rearrange everything in your bag again. What are you carrying?(Required)
Pick a gingerbread!(Required)
What chore are you the LEAST likely to get done when you had planned or wanted to?(Required)
So, you know you're probably going to get a call about your date soon. But where would you go for your ideal winter date if it was 100% up to you?(Required)
You're sitting alone at home, working on something late into the night when you hear someone or SOMETHING tapping on the window. You shut off your music, hold your breath and listen. Was it just the winter wind? No, the sound comes again, insistant. Before you go to check it out, what do you grab?(Required)
Oh! It's actually your date! Neat! They're early, but you're more or less ready. This is fine. You go to grab a little gift you got them. What did you get for them?(Required)


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Nicole Hall

Nicole Hall is Autostraddle's A+ and Fundraising Director, and has been fundraising and working in the arts and nonprofit sector for over a decade. They write nonfiction as well as aggressively gay and sometimes spooky fiction. They live in Pittsburgh with their partner, Sadie. They are also a gardener, project queer, witchy/wizardly human and BFF to a lovely senior rescue dog. You can find them on Twitter and Instagram as @nknhall.

Nicole has written 58 articles for us.

34 Comments

  1. I’m a pagan who loves to bake for people – the Italian Christmas witch is perfect for me!

    PS: as a weapon I would grab my cast iron frying pan and/or the large kitchen knife. My fabric and crafting scissors are fabric-only, I’m not ruining them for self defence.

  2. I got the Mari Lwyd, I am guessing we met when I accidentally tried to collect her skull, not realizing someone was still using it and set up our date from there.

    The knock at the door/choose your weapon question made me laugh because I have a dedicated ensemble for confronting weird sounds outside at night (the weird sounds are raccoons trying to get into my garbage cans no matter how many anti-raccoon devices/methods I employ).

  3. I was skeptical of this quiz but my answer is perfect. I’m part Italian and I always bake (gluten-free) Christmas cookies to share with friends and family.

    “You should date La Befana, the Italian Christmas witch! For many queer people, witchcraft has been about reclaiming power — and La Befana is no exception as she basically takes Santa’s journey into her own hands, flying through the sky and bringing baked goods and gifts to kids on the eve of the Epiphany / Three Kings Day (the eve is January 5, Epiphany is January 6). La Befana is everything you could want in a super witchy, ultra mommi date. Plus, if she catches you looking at her, she’ll whack you with her broom! Gifts AND impact play? Hot!”

  4. Mari Llwyd! Here for the musical battle, despite not having the confidence I could win it :P

    Also, feeling very called out by “Acedia (a vintage sin, knowing what you should do but not doing it)” as I sit on the couch PMSing and procrastinating on work

  5. “This German witch — or maybe demon — comes to your home and if you haven’t done your cleaning, she rips out your guts, fills your cavity with garbage, and sews you back up.” Wow, not trying to kink shame Frau Perchta but that’s a bit much for me. We’ll definitely have a date in my nightmares.

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