Holigay Gift Guide 2015: For The Cat Lady Without A Cat

2015 Autostraddle Holigays

Once upon a time I thought I was both a cat person and a dog person (if you know what I mean), but lately I’ve been thinking perhaps I just like cats. In my heart of hearts, I strongly prefer petting and loving cats. I just want to hug all them but I can’t. Also, non-metaphorically, I would really like to have an actual cat in my life right now, and I cannot! Roommate #1 has put her foot down, much to the dismay of me and Roommate #2. Beyond that, I travel a lot, struggle mightily to keep houseplants alive, and am (possibly? mildly?) allergic to cat dander. My heart is broken. I know I’m not the only one in this situation.

I see the rest of you cat ladies out there and want you to have the best in life. To help with that, I’ve assembled this list! Here are some gift suggestions for all the cat ladies who do not, for whatever reason, have actual cats in their lives right now.

Wants A House Cat, Only Has A House

Cat Lady awakes to the sound of birds outside her window, happily chirping from the belly of her cat birdhouse. She lifts her head off her galaxy cat pillow and checks the cat clock on her wall. It’s late afternoon. Cat Lady doesn’t care. She stretches lazily, admires the minimalist black cat print hanging over her bed, then silently pads across the floor to her bathroom.

A midnight blue cat stares at her from the wall. Is the 28′ x 36′ cat decal too much for the space? Should she have gone for the smaller size? No, thinks Cat Lady, pulling back her super kitty shower curtain. It’s exactly right. Cat Lady considers drawing a bubble bath, but decides against it. She hates taking baths; wet hair is the worst. Instead, Cat Lady grabs a robe off of her cat wall hook and heads over to her dresser.

Out of the corner of her eye, Cat Lady glimpses a piece of artwork she hung long ago. “I’m going to become a cat lady,” it reads. Cat Lady smiles. She has arrived.


Caleb Bombay Cat Wall Decal | Super Kitty Animal Shower Curtain | Cat Lover Bird House | Cat Says Meow Scandinavian Poster | Kit Kat Animated Black Cordless Wall Clock | Cat Lady Art Print | Cat Galaxy Space Custom Zippered Pillowcase | Mew Keep Me Hangin’ On Wall Hook

Sex Kitten Cat Lady

Standing in front of her mirror, Cat Lady frowns and arches her back. Her cat nipple pasties grin goofily out at her. They’re amazing, and so are her cat socks. But which underwear should she wear today: the weird and funny ones with the cat on the front, or the adorable and humorous ones with the cat on the back?

Cat Lady closes her eyes and selects at random. Looks like it will be front-cat panties today, and back-cat panties tomorrow! Purrfect.sexycat

Bluelans Seamless Cat Printed Hipster Briefs | Sanwood Cat Tail Hosiery | Cute Cat Face Nipple Pasties With Googly Eyes | Black Cat Panties With Ears

Already Has The Cat’s Pajamas, Wants Other Cat Apparel

Cat Lady has some more difficult decisions ahead of her. Does she go for the femme-y off-the-shoulder cat top? The more masculine t-shirt with a cowboy cat riding a shark? The unisex cat sweatshirt? It’s chilly out and Cat Lady has no fur coat. She decides to layer up: t-shirt, sweatshirt and cat gloves.

Opening her accessories drawer, Cat Lady reaches past her cat ear sunglasses, burger cat patch and cat mask to fish out her favorite Nyan Cat earrings. She preens and grooms herself in the mirror. She feels very pretty.


Bucking Sharkaroo T-Shirt | Animal Print Cat Ear Sunglasses | Come Tome to Me Sweatshirt | Burgundy Cat Gloves | Cat Mask: Black Jack | Cat Print Cold Shoulder Sweater in Heather Grey | Burger Cat Embroidered Patch | Cute Cat Nyan Neko Clinging Earrings

Litter-a-ture Lover

Cat Lady curls up on the couch, positioning herself precisely in the center of a warm pool of sunshine. She pauses her documentary about show cats and reaches for the stack of books on a nearby end table. Perched on top is a book of poetry by cats; underneath, a collection of heartwarming letters by cats. The third book in her pile is an inspirational text, and the fourth, a classic from her childhood.

Cat Lady passes them all over. What she needs right meow is “Better Together” Issue #4: YES CATS! Zine. Cat Lady loves all the issues in the series, but this final collaboration between Autostraddle and Everyone Is Gay is like catnip to her. Seriously, what a genius publication. Cat Lady simply doesn’t know how she lived before she had this zine in her life.


The Cat in the HatI Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats | The Standard of Perfection: Show Cats (DVD) | Sorry I Barfed on Your Bed and Other Heartwarming Letters from Kitty | “Better Together” Issue #4: YES CATS! Zine | Grumpy Cat: No-It-All: Everything You Need to No

Has A Baby & Regrets Having It Rather Than A Cat

Cat Lady’s wife enters the room and looks at her with dismay. “Honey, did you really dress our child in a Siamese cat hat and kitty face infant creeper? I’m concerned.” Cat Lady cocks her head to the side and stares at her wife unblinkingly for several long moments. She says nothing, then wordlessly wanders into the next room as if she owns it. (She does.)

Cat Lady wraps herself in a fuzzy leopard print blanket. She snuggles in with her book of advice from cats. “YOU NEED MORE SLEEP” advises the cover. Cat Lady agrees. She lays her head on her leopard print pillow and takes a two hour cat nap. It’s the best decision she’s made in months.cat_instead_of_baby

Siamese Cat Crocheted Baby Hat | You Need More Sleep: Advice from Cats | Fuzzy Faux Leopard Pillow and Blanket | Kitty Face Infant Creeper

Really Just Cannot Have Enough Cats

Cat Lady is petting her Grumpy Cat and Chesire Cat plush stuffed animals when a knock on her door leads her to a welcome surprise: a plush kitten bouquet! A package containing an interactive cat robot! A small packet of… fake kitty poo? Ah, yes. Gag gifts from her hilarious (hiss-terical!) friends. How lucky I am, Cat Lady thinks, to have people who understand me and have selected such excellent gifts.

Cat Lady sips the tea she made in her grumpy cat mug with her cat tea infuser and sighs contentedly. She’s a crazy cat lady, albeit one without a cat. There is nothing wrong with that. Nothing.NeverEnoughCats

Gund Grumpy Cat Plush Stuffed Animal Toy | Zoomer – Kitty Interactive Cat Robot | Grumpy Cat Mug | Cat Got Your Cup Tea Infuser | Plush Kitten Bouquet | Fake Kitty Poo Prank | Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure | Chesire Cat

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Laura Mandanas

Laura Mandanas is a Filipina American living in Boston. By day, she works as an industrial engineer. By night, she is beautiful and terrible as the morn, treacherous as the seas, stronger than the foundations of the Earth. All shall love her and despair. Follow her: @LauraMWrites.

Laura has written 210 articles for us.


  1. i have a cat and i still NEED those underwear. like perfect euphemism, and also delightful yet terrifying surprise to whomever takes off your pants

  2. I would like a kitten bouquet and kitten shades for when I’m riding a kitten mobile in a cat parade. One day! A girl can dream! Wait, I’ll need a cat tiara. BRB.

  3. Aw, I had to have my favourite snuggle buddy put down last month, so I’m suffering from major withdrawal. Those hipster briefs are speaking to me!

  4. I have those cat nylons! They are the best.

    Also, my Christmas shopping for my sister (and myself) is done.

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