This is the first recap of the gay parts of the eleventh season of Grey’s Anatomy, aka Shonda Rhimes Night: Act One.
Six full minutes. That’s how long I waited for Callie and Arizona to show up on screen. It’s unacceptable. Let’s cut everyone else out of this show and turn it into their lady-loving telenovela and be done with it. I mean, I love Grey’s Anatomy, but could we at least get an old fashioned spin-off called ‘Lez Practice: Callie and Arizona’ or something?
So six minutes in, we get our #calzona — which is the worst combo name ever. it’s like something you can order at Pizza Hut but shouldn’t — and of course, they’re talking about a baby because once TV gays get married, they have kids, duh. More specifically, they want to have another baby. Another Baby. Because accumulating babies is a thing that people should do, you know? Forget that Callie and Arizona don’t have time to have sex or enjoy coffee together at home in the morning. Forget that there’s already an adorable little human in their busy family and that Callie almost lost the baby and is still processing all that. That is so much going on already, you know? But obvs to get through it all and move forward, they’ve got to add another life to their life. Cuz babies, y’all.
Ok so, they want another baby. That’s cool. They also want to use a surrogate. That’s cool too. But Callie’s freaking out, per ushe, because that’s what Callie does. She gets that constipated angry look on her face and her voice gets a little screechy and feelings come out. This new Callie makes me ache for old Callie, La Mega Badass Bisexual Babe Callie. I mean, it’d be way more interesting and telenovela-esque if Callie and Arizona were talking about which intern to add as an erotic third or the ways in which polyamory might enhance their relationship or how to kill Karev or something else.
But instead, Callie, worried and scared, wonders how they’ll keep a baby safe in this mad mad world.
And calm as fuck, looking like she just smoked a fat spliff before work, Arizona’s like “Chill, baby. Nothing bad’s gonna happen. We good, yo.”
And that’s when Rowdy Roddy Piper runs down the hall screaming that a gurney blew off the roof, dropped 900 stories, and impaled a vehicle. Callie and Arizona take off after Dr. Rowdy Roddy Piper aka Owen and follow him to the parking lot. Yes, everyone, a gurney did in fact blow off the roof and it landed on two teenagers banging in a minivan.
Freak Out Callie screams to the teenagers: Why aren’t you wearing any pants?!
Spliff Queen Arizona says: Well, I’ll give you one guess.
Translation: Babe, they’re fucking ok? Let’s just go back inside and find somewhere to make out.
Other things happen in the hospital that don’t matter because this recap is just about the gay parts.
And then boom, we’re back on the scene in the parking lot. Teen boy is worried about getting in trouble with his mom over banging a girl inside of a minivan that was just impaled by a gurney. Callie is literally on the phone with his mom snitching and cackling. Or maybe she’s just being a good doctor, who knows? The jaws of life are used to pry the doors off of the minivan and free the teens.
Arizona walks over, drops a blanket on teen boy’s lap to cover up his exposed teen ween. She does this in one fell swoop. No eye-contact. She’d make a dope pickpocket. Anyway, the teen ween is covered.
Until the wind blows! The same wind that blew the gurney off the roof. Ahh, naked teenage boy!
One of these sex-having teenagers also happens to be a patient at the Children’s Hospital due for chemo so it’s like extra bad that they snuck off to have sex. Extra Bad. Teen Ween’s mom enters the room slut-shaming her son while Callie and Arizona tend to the injured duo. Callie lets out a sexy grin, remembering the good old days when she was an exciting character, as this mom continues her ‘I’m so glad you’re safe but how dare you act so recklessly’ rant.
Note: Being in a committed relationship with Arizona doesn’t negate Callie’s MBBB status, it’s being a ball of screechy stress.
After watching Teen Ween’s Mom blast the teenagers for making so much sex, Callie is born again in the waters of teen chastity. Arizona is head cheerleader of the “if you’re gonna bang in my house, at least use protection” parenting mind set. See everyone how different they are? Gosh it’s like they’re The Odd Couple. Sometimes I feel like Callie and Arizona are falling into that “asexual frenemy” zone that Cam and Mitch from Modern Family exist in perpetuity. They give each other the Bitch, are you serious? face while walking side-by-side down the hall.
And then Geena Davis is on screen and A League of Their Own flashes through my mind, all our minds from beginning to end. Dr. Dottie Hinson has an offer Arizona just can’t refuse. She’s The Godfather and a mannequin in one doctor. What’s the offer, you ask? Is it Geena Davis offering herself as an erotic Cougar third to Arizona and Callie?
No, of course not. It’s an offer for a neonatal surgery fellowship. Arizona, who is so basic and self-centered, practically levitates with excitement as the thought of adding something else to her hectic life that doesn’t include spending any time with her wife. Arizona is on her Drake shit, yall.
In the middle of all this fellowship jazz, there’s this flirty idol-worship/Mrs. Robinson vibe passing between Arizona and Dr. Dottie Hinson. I swear Callie’s been ready to take off her earrings and pull back her hair the entire time they’ve all been walking down the hallway. They walk down hallways a lot in this episode, btw.
More stuff happens in the hospital and we’re back to the sex teens. Girl Teen goes quiet and freaks everyone out which is perfect for Callie because that’s her specialty as a doctor person. Callie takes charge and orders the nurses to page Dr. Shepherd immediately because brains are at stake! This leads to a #calzona date. They’re seated, side-by-side, in the balcony section at the surgery opera.
Callie is still highly upset about the fornicating teens and tells Arizona,”If I were her mom and this brain bleed didn’t kill her, I would totally kill her.” Callie is stunned by her own words, like gutted, like devastated. Freak Out Callie realizes that she sounds just like her dad. She is suddenly struck by the resounding truth: she doesn’t want to be a sex-negative, slut-shaming mom. Spliff Queen Arizona’s just like ‘Word, babe. Chill. I mean, what’s good with that surrogate biz tho?’
They share a Network TV Chaste Gay Kiss and their date ends because someone is probably dying somewhere.
Callie’s next date is with Teen Ween’s Mom but it’s less of a date and more of a moment for a very sad parentlogue. The Mom gives a tear-filled speech about how parents can’t protect their kids because no matter what parents do at any moment a hospital gurney can fly off the top of a hospital and impale your kids while they bang each other in your minivan. Callie’s facial expressions are everything in this scene. I mean, she doesn’t get any lines so she better be serving some face. She vacillates between “omg gurneys fly off roof tops” to “maybe me and Zona should get a cat” and then to like “damn, I hate when good white ladies cry” all in one scene.
Both teen lovers live! Because sex isn’t bad and sex when you have life-threatening illnesses is so not bad. And because teenagers will always be f*cking somewhere and goddess bless them. Their survival renews Callie & Arizona’s chaste affection for each other. They hold hands and smile at each other the way two women in a relationship tend to do.
Callie is filled with the spirit and decides that having more children, despite all the huge risks, is totally a worthwhile thing. She shares her Just Do It attitude with Arizona. Callie even gets to the ‘let’s get our surrogate on’ part. Arizona unleashes her very best “It’s All About Me” channeling her inner Mya feat. Dru Hill and waxes mad poetic about that fetal neonatal something with babies surgery fellowship with Dr. Dottie Hinson.
Callie is crushed, like muy crushed. Arizona doesn’t get why it can’t be about her. Pause, baby. What they need to do is smoke that spliff in the morning together and actually talk to each other about their mega important life decisions while they’re not at work.
Til next week! Grey’s Anatomy Recaps, only the gay parts plz.
What did you think of #calzona? How do you feel about gurneys flying off of roof tops? Does teen sex abhor you? Should Callie and Arizona have another baby or maybe get a house plant? Tell me the things.