Hi everyone! Welcome to the 20th recap of the fifth season of Glee, a show about teenagers falling in and out of love and bursting into song while trying to make their theater dreams come true.

Wait. I don’t think we need a picture. That’s actually what this show is about.

Also, I’m going to level with you guys: I’m kind of phoning it in this week. I am already in California for A-Camp 2014 and there’s just a lot of pre-camp prep going on here.

This week’s episode is all about the end of the Gleesters’ second school year in New York City. Yup it’s Spring 2014 in New York City and all the kids have big changes coming up. But wait, didn’t the class of 2013 graduate from high school like six episodes ago? Oh right it definitely did because the 2013 academic took a season and a half and 2014 academic year is only six episodes. Time is an illusion.

We open on the whole gang at the apartment in Bushwick. Who’s apartment exactly is it at this point? I don’t know I thought Rachel moved out and was living with Star Child Glambert but I guess she actually still lives there.

It’s dinner with just a pinch of salt and a dollop of homosexuality

Also Sam isn’t eating carbs because: modeling career. Toxic. Mercedes is like “Okay you can starve yourself if you want but just don’t fuck anyone because that food truck is closed for business for anyone but me and also including me!”

We’re gonna start with this small dildo and slowly work bigger and bigger

So anyways Rachel explains that this big deal TV writer from FOX  is coming for Monday Dinner to observe them all to create a show all about Rachel. Isn’t that just the most? To say the least? Artie asks if it’s normal for a TV writer to observe the potential star like this. Kurt asks if she absolutely has to crash dinner. Lizz asks if they’ve thought about making garlic mashed potatoes because that shit is delicious and feeds a crowd.

It’s gefilte fish and if you don’t like it you can get the fuck out.

Just then the door bell rings. Who’s at the door? It’s not that writer… It’s Brittany!

Wait. I thought this was the door to Whitney Mixter’s apartment….

So although Brittany was last seen with two tickets to Lesbos with Santana, she explains that she never went to Lesbos because she lost her passport and also doesn’t know where Santana is. This is realistic because queer women notorious lose their passports but absolutely absurd because girl-girl couples always know where each other are at every minute of every day.

The gang says that Santana is out shooting another Yeast-I-Stat commercial which is double absurd because everyone knows lesbians just use plain yogurt or garlic to cure yeast infections. Basically what seems to have happened here is that they hired Heather Morris for an episode and then when Naya Rivera got written out of the episode they didn’t know what to do.

So how exactly do you get the yogurt up there?

Just then the TV writer walks in and even though she has a name, Mary Halloran, she’s basically supposed to be a terrible overdramatic hipster version of Lena Dunham, sans bird. You might also know her as The Daily Show correspondent Kristen Schaal or Mel from Flight of the Concords. We’ll call her Shlena Shlunham.

But no time to chitchat, just existing in this world gives Shlena Shlunham the fucking runs so she’s off to bathroom.

Every party needs a pooper that’s why we invited you

After she finishes pooping back and forth forever Shlena Shlunham sits on Rachel’s floor with her type writer and starts writing out her ideas for the project. It becomes apparent quickly that she is much less interested in the truth than she is in making good television because, duh, television. Like literally that’s the point but whatever.

The punchline is that Rachel is sad and Shlena Shlunham is batshit.

I love this turd

At the New York Mall Mercedes is doing a show with Brittany as her new backup dancer!

Check out my bisexual backup dancer!

Mercedes sings a brand new song of her album aka a Glee original song called “Shakin’ My Head.”  It’s a pretty fun song with a lot of God in it so I feel weird about that. Regardless, I am super happy to see Brittany back dancing.

http://youtu.be/Y4jc8k8hYds

Elsewhere at NYADADADADA Blaine preps for his big showcase with Old Lady Moneybags aka June Dolloway. He’s like “I need Kurt” and she’s like “Grow the hell up, no you don’t.” This inspires Blaine to sing “All of Me” which is good but boring because it’s literally on the radio every minute of every day.

http://youtu.be/DxdyIVHkECc

Just then Kurt walks in and he’s so fucking excited to talk about Blaine’s big showcase and how he’s definitely totally going to be a part of it.

Ready and waiting.

Blaine tells Kurt that he can’t actually be in the show and Kurt freaks the fuck out and throws a perfectly good lunch on the floor. Maybe some words were said about trust but I can’t remember because I’m too distracted by yet another stupid neckerchief.

There not just for boy scouts, okay?! OKAY?!

Across town Sam is at the Treasure Trailz Hair Removal model search. I know that sounds like I made it up but seriously I didn’t.

Sam stands around snapping a rubber band around his wrist to keep from popping a boner because not having sex with Mercedes is basically impossible for him. Everyone know the best solution for being sexually aroused is repeated negative stimuli. That always works.

Nick package bro.

Anyways so the model audition is hot and heavy because the model agency head, Charlie Darling, wants to rub up against a young guy. Fortunately Sam gives the camera lots of sex to the tune of “Girls on Film.” I think we’re to believe this is part of his pent-up sexual frustration but I’m choosing to believe Sam is actually just really talented from his Chippendales days.

http://youtu.be/Us354YCVKVQ

In the end, Charlie Darling ends up climbing on top of Sam and being all sexy on him. Funny, I would think an agency exec would be more professional but what the fuck do I know. Slash this feels like sexual harassment in the workplace.

This is going to be just like an episode of MTV’s Undressed

At home, Kurt and Rachel try to convince Mercedes to break up with Sam.

This is a Friendtervention. We’re all here because we care about you.

Similarly Artie and Blaine try to convince Sam to break up with Mercedes. Everyone needs to mind their own business.

Yeah I mean having a long distance girlfriend will seriously eat up my “Call of Duty” play time

The next day Shlena Shlunham goes around talking with all of Rachel’s friends.

She stuffs donuts into her bra with Artie.

This is how I make them D cups.

She tells Blaine he needs a complete name change.

This is mahogany. I specifically asked for cherry.

And bonded with Brittany.

Ummm I’ll have sex with you!

Blah blah blah twenty-something year-old hipster. Blah blah blah this joke is old.

After all this goes down Kurt tells Rachel that Shlena Shlunham is batshit crazy but Rachel still insists she needs to move out to LA and do a TV show. That she is basically done playing Fanny. Which seems obnoxious based on how long they’ve been saying it’s the only role she’s ever wanted and her biggest dream ever.

Brittany is a beaver head

The next night the gang all gets together for a table read of The Untitled Shlena Shlunham Project. This, of course, doesn’t make any sense because it’s not like Rachel’s friends are going to be playing the characters based on them. But whatever maybe they just want to all read together.

Story time is like so last year

So the faux-episode opens and, just as you may have guessed, it’s basically a wonky spoof of Girls. Rachel is eating a cake in the bath tub complaining that her Gay NASA Dads forgot her birthday. As a side note I probably would have loved it if Rachel’s dads were astronauts instead of stereotypical show tune singing stage dads. Kurt shows up in a dinosaur suit because, why not, and then they just say “Hashtag” over and over again.

Furries and Feeders unite!

They crew decides this is stupid and flips to a few scenes later where we find Blaine and Brittany have just slept together even though he’s gay. This feels a lot like when The L Word did all those theoretical sex match ups of characters you would never actually see together.

And by the way we’ve never gotten to see Brittany sit up naked in bed with her actual girlfriend. So.

Wouldn’t this just be so much better if Santana could be here?!

The final scene they read has everyone at a coffee rave. It’s a rave but instead of drugs everyone is drinking coffee.  That sounds like my kind of rave.

My Super Sweet Sixteen: Glee Edition

After all this reading everyone agrees that the script sucks. Actually Brittany loves it which makes sense because she has a really keen grasp on new media.

Outside the apartment Blaine and Kurt sit around feeding pigeons, completely ignoring the fact that pigeons are disgusting creatures which carry disease and could literally kill you at any moment.

See it’s just like we have urban chickens!

The two decide that instead of being jealous and fighting about the showcase they should just trust each other and go instead and have sex.

Gay sex time?!

The next day Rachel calls Shlena Shlunham to meet her at the Spotlight Diner. Rachel says she’s having trouble expressing herself and that she can express herself better… wait for it… through song. I just wish Glee writers would come up with a better excuse for characters to sing than “I can’t express my feelings any other way.” That doesn’t make the characters creative and talented, it makes them emotionally stunted.

Shlena Shlunham agrees with a face that is a mixture of “I just ate a sour warhead”…

So fucking sour!

…and “After vomiting orange juice tastes super weird.”

My teeth are all dry and sensitive.

Rachel sings “Glitter in the Air” by P!nk which is not a song I’ve ever heard before but was, you know, pretty okay.

http://youtu.be/qFqoNkFzqVw

Shlena Shlunham decides this song has completely warmed her heart and she is now an entirely different person with a completely different vision and writing style. She skips off to write the hip new show Rachel Berry is Perfect and Everyone is Happy. 

Oh my god I really have to pee

Across town Sam has his shoot for Treasure Trailz Hair Removal. Again, the actual name of the product. Charlie Darling, the photographer executive, feels that Sam isn’t giving enough sex and encourages him to sex it up 150%. More cowbell and more sex.

Look, my penis is flat and juts out to the right.

In an attempt to make Sam sexier or something Charlie Darling kisses Sam. It is unprofessional and very very uncomfortable. Sam is medium into it.

Breath Play Is Never Safe

Later that night Mercedes shows up at home and she and Sam have a little chit-chat. Sam is so mortified that he kissed another girl that he immediately confesses. Good boy. He admits that post-kiss he just stood in the corner rocking back and forth crying. I don’t want to say that Sam skyrocketed to the top of the Glee‘s Most Lesbian list, but he’s up there.

Okay if this seance is going to work I’m going to need you to call me Madam Trouty Mouth

Mercedes is like NBD bro. Kissing happens when you keep it loose and free. See! They even kiss.

Sam and Mercedes sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

So that’s nice but then they break up anyways because Sam isn’t having sex and Mercedes read on the internet that if a guy doesn’t have sex enough the sperm will back up all the way into his brain. I want you to let that sink in. A character on Glee broke up with another character because she didn’t want to have sex and he needs sex. Ridiculous. Sam: it’s called jerking off.

But at least I get to go get a blow job

Okay whatever this doesn’t make any sense.

That night all the Gleesters head to Blaine big showcase with B list celebs! Blaine and June perform the number No Time at All. 

Ooooooh we’re boring!

 Obviously there’s nothing the young and rich movers and shakers of New York City like more than an old lady and a young gay guy singing a song from Pippin together. 

http://youtu.be/dovkLF7opt4

After Blaine finishes the song the crowd calls for an encore! I assume because they all figured the performance would be more than only one song. Blaine comes back on stage and in a completely totally amazingly shocking turn of fate invites Kurt to come sing on stage with him. Kurt! Think of that!

I can’t believe he just told everyone my cockring size

My plan to make this boy my new husband is not going well.

So then Kurt and Blaine just sing a totally perfect unrehearsed version of “American Boy.”

http://youtu.be/BiQ2P2D4vpc

While Dolloway looks on completely unimpressed. But then do you know what happens?! Her heart warms and grows three sizes!! And she decides that actually Kurt is fine or whatever.

I guess it’s okay to be gay!

Back at the apartment, the whole gang does another read through of the The Script and this one is totally mushy and lovey dovey. And Rachel loves it!

OMG and I bet we can even write in a cheerleader character who turns into a glee club member.

Just then, Trouty Mouth busts in the scene and announces that all of his dreams have come true! Bro is on the side of a bus.

And they even took the time to photoshop out the top of my dick!

Sam says that now that he’s landed a modeling gig, this is a great time to jump ship and start doing something else completely. He wants to move back to the Oasis of Lima where he went to three years of high school even though he didn’t move there until he was 16 and his family lives somewhere else entirely.

So, with Mercedes and Brittany going on tour, Santana in LA for her Yeast-I-Stat career and Rachel Berry “potentially” going to LA for a TV show, it’s determined that everyone is flocking in different directions. Everyone is moving apart! Time for a group hug!

Kurt: I could just kill to burst out in song right now!

So they do. To “Pompeii,” a song I actually really love and is somewhat appropriate for this moment.

http://youtu.be/fNKConh-IwU

And during the song we discover some important things! Like Sam moving back to Ohio and stalking the halls of McKinley. Is he gonna bring the Glee Club back?! But where would he even find enough dry erase markers and sweater vests?

Get the hell out of my choir room!!

Blaine moves back in even though we made a huge deal of the importance of space in new relationships and not necessarily rushing into living together. Well at least he gets the workspace he wants!

We’re totally gonna have butt sex all over this table.

Brittany and Mercedes are going to include a lot of grinding on their tour!

Dancing to “Turn me on” by Kevin Lyttle

And, of course, Rachel’s show gets picked up! Maybe the show will be about a glee club in Ohio and they’re call the show New Directions. Wait. Or, here’s an idea Glee. Call the show Glee. Or Lez Girls and Boys. It’ll be awesome.

Guys! Ellen Page is Gay!!

No one is shocked! So let me get this straight though… the writers just spent a year and a half getting all the characters we love finally in New York and now they’re going to scatter them across the country again? This is so frustrating. Like pick a plan and stick to it. Just make a plan and do that thing. And hopefully that thing will have lesbians! You know! Lesbians in the plan. Ughhh.

But you know what? Next season I’ll totally be watching again anyways.

Suck it bitch.

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