The next day Rachel calls Shlena Shlunham to meet her at the Spotlight Diner. Rachel says she’s having trouble expressing herself and that she can express herself better… wait for it… through song. 
I just wish Glee writers would come up with a better excuse for characters to sing than “I can’t express my feelings any other way.” That doesn’t make the characters creative and talented, it makes them emotionally stunted.
Shlena Shlunham agrees with a face that is a mixture of “I just ate a sour warhead”…
So fucking sour!
…and “After vomiting orange juice tastes super weird.”
My teeth are all dry and sensitive.
Rachel sings “Glitter in the Air” by P!nk which is not a song I’ve ever heard before but was, you know, pretty okay.
http://youtu.be/qFqoNkFzqVw
Shlena Shlunham decides this song has completely warmed her heart and she is now an entirely different person with a completely different vision and writing style. She skips off to write the hip new show Rachel Berry is Perfect and Everyone is Happy.
Oh my god I really have to pee
Across town Sam has his shoot for Treasure Trailz Hair Removal. Again, the actual name of the product. Charlie Darling, the photographer executive, feels that Sam isn’t giving enough sex and encourages him to sex it up 150%. More cowbell and more sex.
Look, my penis is flat and juts out to the right.
In an attempt to make Sam sexier or something Charlie Darling kisses Sam. It is unprofessional and very very uncomfortable. Sam is medium into it.
Breath Play Is Never Safe
Later that night Mercedes shows up at home and she and Sam have a little chit-chat. Sam is so mortified that he kissed another girl that he immediately confesses. Good boy. He admits that post-kiss he just stood in the corner rocking back and forth crying. I don’t want to say that Sam skyrocketed to the top of the Glee‘s Most Lesbian list, but he’s up there.
Okay if this seance is going to work I’m going to need you to call me Madam Trouty Mouth
Mercedes is like NBD bro. Kissing happens when you keep it loose and free. See! They even kiss.
Sam and Mercedes sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
So that’s nice but then they break up anyways because Sam isn’t having sex and Mercedes read on the internet that if a guy doesn’t have sex enough the sperm will back up all the way into his brain. I want you to let that sink in. A character on Glee broke up with another character because she didn’t want to have sex and he needs sex. Ridiculous. Sam: it’s called jerking off.
But at least I get to go get a blow job
Okay whatever this doesn’t make any sense.
That night all the Gleesters head to Blaine big showcase with B list celebs! Blaine and June perform the number No Time at All.
Ooooooh we’re boring!
Obviously there’s nothing the young and rich movers and shakers of New York City like more than an old lady and a young gay guy singing a song from Pippin together.
http://youtu.be/dovkLF7opt4
After Blaine finishes the song the crowd calls for an encore! I assume because they all figured the performance would be more than only one song. Blaine comes back on stage and in a completely totally amazingly shocking turn of fate invites Kurt to come sing on stage with him. Kurt! Think of that!
I can’t believe he just told everyone my cockring size
My plan to make this boy my new husband is not going well.
So then Kurt and Blaine just sing a totally perfect unrehearsed version of “American Boy.”
http://youtu.be/BiQ2P2D4vpc
While Dolloway looks on completely unimpressed. But then do you know what happens?! Her heart warms and grows three sizes!! And she decides that actually Kurt is fine or whatever.
I guess it’s okay to be gay!
Back at the apartment, the whole gang does another read through of the The Script and this one is totally mushy and lovey dovey. And Rachel loves it!
OMG and I bet we can even write in a cheerleader character who turns into a glee club member.
Just then, Trouty Mouth busts in the scene and announces that all of his dreams have come true! Bro is on the side of a bus.
And they even took the time to photoshop out the top of my dick!
Sam says that now that he’s landed a modeling gig, this is a great time to jump ship and start doing something else completely. He wants to move back to the Oasis of Lima where he went to three years of high school even though he didn’t move there until he was 16 and his family lives somewhere else entirely.
So, with Mercedes and Brittany going on tour, Santana in LA for her Yeast-I-Stat career and Rachel Berry “potentially” going to LA for a TV show, it’s determined that everyone is flocking in different directions. Everyone is moving apart! Time for a group hug!
Kurt: I could just kill to burst out in song right now!
So they do. To “Pompeii,” a song I actually really love and is somewhat appropriate for this moment.
http://youtu.be/fNKConh-IwU
And during the song we discover some important things! Like Sam moving back to Ohio and stalking the halls of McKinley. Is he gonna bring the Glee Club back?! But where would he even find enough dry erase markers and sweater vests?
Get the hell out of my choir room!!
Blaine moves back in even though we made a huge deal of the importance of space in new relationships and not necessarily rushing into living together. Well at least he gets the workspace he wants!
We’re totally gonna have butt sex all over this table.
Brittany and Mercedes are going to include a lot of grinding on their tour!
Dancing to “Turn me on” by Kevin Lyttle
And, of course, Rachel’s show gets picked up! Maybe the show will be about a glee club in Ohio and they’re call the show New Directions. Wait. Or, here’s an idea Glee. Call the show Glee. Or Lez Girls and Boys. It’ll be awesome.
Guys! Ellen Page is Gay!!
No one is shocked! So let me get this straight though… the writers just spent a year and a half getting all the characters we love finally in New York and now they’re going to scatter them across the country again? This is so frustrating. Like pick a plan and stick to it. Just make a plan and do that thing. And hopefully that thing will have lesbians! You know! Lesbians in the plan. Ughhh.
But you know what? Next season I’ll totally be watching again anyways.
Suck it bitch.
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Oh man this episode was so disappointing. Sam gets sexually harassed at work and he thinks he cheated. The whole Rachel TV Show plot was unbelievably painful and I hated all the smarmy cheesy feel-good wrap ups for these characters. Terrible way to end this story.
I read somewhere that Ryan Fucking Murphy was going to dedicate the last season to the new dumb shit kids nobody likes so everything is terrible and wrong.
The storylines from this episode sent such conflicting messages. June threatens to destroy Blaine’s career if he dares to sing with Kurt, then she falls in love with their performance and wants to take all the credit for their duet. Kurt and Blaine have these tense, serious discussions that sound a lot like trouble in paradise, about trusting someone with keeping your heart safe and flying out of the nest for the first time, but then they’re perfectly fine.
I felt so confused by the end!
Great recap for an senseless episode. So many things didn’t make sense, but especially everything regarding Sam. I don’t even like the kid, but ignoring the fact that he was sexually harassed and then sending him back to Ohio for no reason?
It was great to see Brittany, but she was underused and didn’t even bother to explain her absence well. Though, I don’t think they were saying she didn’t go to Lesbos AT ALL, just that Mercedes thought that’s where she’s been since Santana came back without her. The two of them were still missing for ten months, so I’m assuming they went to Lesbos. Also, Mercedes actually said that her and Brittany were meeting up with Santana in Reno and that Santana was gonna be on the tour with them (so Santana isn’t in LA), so at least there’s that. All the tolerable characters together… offscreen.
Only one more season left, and hopefully it’s short.
Welp, at least we got some HeMo dancing. HeMo dancing makes me a happy homo.
HeMo dancing makes me feel like…
Those Santana reaction gifs were perfect! I’m so glad that she at least got to be part of this episode recap, judging all of this week’s ridiculousness just like she would have done on the show. Because I missed seeing her with Brittany so much, I’m going to let Santana join me in my comments about this episode.
This was the season finale, but by the end of the episode it seemed like almost nothing had happened! What a complete mess.
Brittany’s guest appearance felt so pointless because the entire purpose of her visit was missing without Santana there. As I was watching the episode, I kept on realizing that almost every one of Brittany’s scenes was meant to have been with Santana. Brittany was originally there in New York to come back and surprise Santana at the apartment. And it would have made a beautifully romantic reunion scene, complete with sweet lady kisses. “Shakin’ My Head” was supposed to have been a Troubletones reunion. And we would have seen Brittana singing and dancing together. I’m so upset about all of these missed Brittana opportunities.
And that Brittany and Blaine scene. I thought it was going to be way worse than it actually was (real-life instead of fake-script), so that was a bit of a relief. But it was still disturbing.
My first response was
Then I was feeling
My final thought was
Hey, you. I appreciate you and your wealth of Santana GIFs.
Thanks so much! I’ve been planning that post for the last couple of days. It took a lot of Internet searching to find the right combination of gifs! I felt like this recap really needed a lot more of Santana’s presence since the episode was completely lacking.
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