The next day Rachel calls Shlena Shlunham to meet her at the Spotlight Diner. Rachel says she’s having trouble expressing herself and that she can express herself better… wait for it… through song. I just wish Glee writers would come up with a better excuse for characters to sing than “I can’t express my feelings any other way.” That doesn’t make the characters creative and talented, it makes them emotionally stunted.
Shlena Shlunham agrees with a face that is a mixture of “I just ate a sour warhead”…
…and “After vomiting orange juice tastes super weird.”
Rachel sings “Glitter in the Air” by P!nk which is not a song I’ve ever heard before but was, you know, pretty okay.
Shlena Shlunham decides this song has completely warmed her heart and she is now an entirely different person with a completely different vision and writing style. She skips off to write the hip new show Rachel Berry is Perfect and Everyone is Happy.
Across town Sam has his shoot for Treasure Trailz Hair Removal. Again, the actual name of the product. Charlie Darling, the photographer executive, feels that Sam isn’t giving enough sex and encourages him to sex it up 150%. More cowbell and more sex.
In an attempt to make Sam sexier or something Charlie Darling kisses Sam. It is unprofessional and very very uncomfortable. Sam is medium into it.
Later that night Mercedes shows up at home and she and Sam have a little chit-chat. Sam is so mortified that he kissed another girl that he immediately confesses. Good boy. He admits that post-kiss he just stood in the corner rocking back and forth crying. I don’t want to say that Sam skyrocketed to the top of the Glee‘s Most Lesbian list, but he’s up there.
Mercedes is like NBD bro. Kissing happens when you keep it loose and free. See! They even kiss.
So that’s nice but then they break up anyways because Sam isn’t having sex and Mercedes read on the internet that if a guy doesn’t have sex enough the sperm will back up all the way into his brain. I want you to let that sink in. A character on Glee broke up with another character because she didn’t want to have sex and he needs sex. Ridiculous. Sam: it’s called jerking off.
Okay whatever this doesn’t make any sense.
That night all the Gleesters head to Blaine big showcase with B list celebs! Blaine and June perform the number No Time at All.
Obviously there’s nothing the young and rich movers and shakers of New York City like more than an old lady and a young gay guy singing a song from Pippin together.
After Blaine finishes the song the crowd calls for an encore! I assume because they all figured the performance would be more than only one song. Blaine comes back on stage and in a completely totally amazingly shocking turn of fate invites Kurt to come sing on stage with him. Kurt! Think of that!
So then Kurt and Blaine just sing a totally perfect unrehearsed version of “American Boy.”
While Dolloway looks on completely unimpressed. But then do you know what happens?! Her heart warms and grows three sizes!! And she decides that actually Kurt is fine or whatever.
Back at the apartment, the whole gang does another read through of the The Script and this one is totally mushy and lovey dovey. And Rachel loves it!
Just then, Trouty Mouth busts in the scene and announces that all of his dreams have come true! Bro is on the side of a bus.
Sam says that now that he’s landed a modeling gig, this is a great time to jump ship and start doing something else completely. He wants to move back to the Oasis of Lima where he went to three years of high school even though he didn’t move there until he was 16 and his family lives somewhere else entirely.
So, with Mercedes and Brittany going on tour, Santana in LA for her Yeast-I-Stat career and Rachel Berry “potentially” going to LA for a TV show, it’s determined that everyone is flocking in different directions. Everyone is moving apart! Time for a group hug!
Kurt: I could just kill to burst out in song right now!
So they do. To “Pompeii,” a song I actually really love and is somewhat appropriate for this moment.
And during the song we discover some important things! Like Sam moving back to Ohio and stalking the halls of McKinley. Is he gonna bring the Glee Club back?! But where would he even find enough dry erase markers and sweater vests?
Blaine moves back in even though we made a huge deal of the importance of space in new relationships and not necessarily rushing into living together. Well at least he gets the workspace he wants!
Brittany and Mercedes are going to include a lot of grinding on their tour!
And, of course, Rachel’s show gets picked up! Maybe the show will be about a glee club in Ohio and they’re call the show New Directions. Wait. Or, here’s an idea Glee. Call the show Glee. Or Lez Girls and Boys. It’ll be awesome.
No one is shocked! So let me get this straight though… the writers just spent a year and a half getting all the characters we love finally in New York and now they’re going to scatter them across the country again? This is so frustrating. Like pick a plan and stick to it. Just make a plan and do that thing. And hopefully that thing will have lesbians! You know! Lesbians in the plan. Ughhh.
But you know what? Next season I’ll totally be watching again anyways.