And off we go and here we are and it’s the Vocal Adrenaline Dressing Room, where Unique’s losing her shit about all the little Uniques — “Uniquettes,” if you will — out there expecting her to kill and eat dinosaurs onstage and then light the room on fire. Or um, win Nationals.
Unique: “All I ever wanted to do was wear a dress and sing. And now I’m the poster child for any kid that’s different. I can’t handle it. I just can’t handle it.”
Yeah, me neither. Here’s Kurtcedes:
Mercedes: “You may not be able to handle it, but maybe Unique can.”
Kurt: “You’ve gotta move through that fear and expectation. At least that’s what real stars do.”
Unique, inspired like Jesus on the cross, is ready to kill and eat dinosaurs onstage and then light the room on fire. Or, um, win Nationals, and then move to Lima and set Teen Jesus on fire. No wait! Gah, I keep getting my own fantasies mixed up with this show.
Unique: “I tell you what, Unique might need to transfer schools next year.”
Oh, so there’s that set-up.
Vocal Adrenaline opens with “Starships” by Nicki Minaj and okay listen — Unique is just fantastic, we all know it, hurray. But for serious, she’s got one dance move and it’s flipping her hair, often followed by a finger in the air, a sassy hip twist, and a flip-around-and-walk-away. Once Unique’s reached the stairs, she will again flip her hair, cock her hip, flip her hair again, and then walk forward and put her finger in the air, do a sassy hip twist, and then flip around and walk away. Over and over, while all these other kids roll around like Gumby dolls and push vintage arcade games towards each other while Unique stands on them and flips her hair. Anyhow, everybody does quite well in this number to nobody’s surprise.
I love “Pinball Wizard,” but bringing out a bunch of arcade machines and rolling them around the stage does not a dance routine make! But can anyone else on that team sing, ’cause it seems like they’ve only got one singer, and her name is Unique, and she’s probs gonna move to Lima in the fall because of its proximity to Cedar Point, America’s Roller Coast AND my favorite Cracker Barrel.
The Incredibly Queer Showchoir Judge Team is rendez-vousing in what appears to be a hotel conference room and I still feel weird about Perez Hilton. And Jesus Christ, Lohan! I’m so Team Lohan, and I’m so against the obnoxious trainwreck celebrity media machine situation, but my heart aches for that girl in such a special way and every time she gets a new gig and doesn’t knock it out of the ballpark, I get prematurely sad for the inevitable backlash. I just want her to be happy.
Perez is doing something gross on his portable electronic devices and Martin Fong is too excited to sit down, apparently, but in any event we all know this banter is irrelevant because this is The Year for New Directions. Perez digs at Lindsay’s presence on the judging team and Fong defends her:
Martin Fong: “If you have to ask why a 12-time Teen Choice award winner is a celebrity judge, then you don’t really understand what the word celebrity means.”
Fong says he was impressed with New Directions.
Lindsay: “I liked them but they weren’t the best singers and dancers. They were likeable. And is there anything better than someone making a comeback?”
Get it? Like how Lindsay Lohan herself wants to make a comeback? Hahaha!
Oh, but what about that Vocal Adrenaline?
Perez: “I think that Unique kid is a star. He’s like Tina and Ike Turner –”
Martin: “Together –”
Perez: “Just imagine how much it would mean to those poor unfortunate outcast kids to see him/her on national television leading him/her team to victory.”
Oh, Jesus Christ on a Cracker Barrel. I doubt any trans kid or cross-dresser or budding drag queen will find even the remotest of comforts in Perez Hilton declaring “him/her” victorious, but maybe I’m out of touch.
We cut to the expansive atrium of the Chicago Show Choir Auditorium of Greatness, where Sister Mary Clarence’s quick exit is interrupted by an effusive Jesse St. James:
Jesse: “I heard that you came here today to see Rachel Berry. And there’s something you need to know about her. Rachel’s the most talented person I’ve ever met. Bar none. If anyone’s gonna be a star someday, it’s her. She’ll make an excellent contribution to NYADA. You won’t regret it, I promise.”
We return to the Chicago Show Choir Auditorium of Greatness’s interior where the assorted children and guardians are eagerly awaiting the awards and everybody’s onstage in their Sunday Best.
Said awards are doled out as predictably as you’d expected: “Wade “Unique” Adams” wins the MVP Award…
…and New Directions win Nationals! Yay!
My notes for this scene: “Sad music plays, lots of hugging and glitter.”
But seriously folks: you know what they did right this time, this Club? They sang songs and danced. No nth-hour “write your own song” contest, no So-Called Finchel Makeouts, no crazy props or conceptual performances — just singing, and dancing, and whatever it is Finn was doing that I suppose resembled signing and dancing.
We segue into a segue leading into a segue wherein the children travel significant distances throughout space/time eventually bringing us to the Glee Club’s homecoming at the Eminently Hallowed Hallways of Dear Dear McKinley High, where candles sparkle atop endearingly-iced cakes, party paper falls from the sky, Slushee cups are filled with confetti and The Lima Record has for some undoubtedly insipid reason put William Schuster on the cover of their fine publication.
What’s more, Sue gets one of those gigantic checks (the kind you always have to photograph with the check recipient, otherwise it doesn’t count), Dianna Agron and Naya Rivera smile so hard their faces freeze that way, Sugar Motta pops the bubbly, a random never-before-seen Hot Cheerleader Extra seduces me with her dancey eyeballs… and what else you ask? What else?
Mhm, that. GIRL ON GIRL CULTURE!
However, much to our collective dismay, the girl-on-girl kiss is immediately followed by some face-sucking courtesy of That So-Called Finchel. So, let’s just look at the girl-on-girl kiss again instead:
Um, also Emma and Will haven’t had sex yet? So she gives him a pamphlet called “When It’s FInally Have Intercourse” and I hope she made at least two hundred of those suckers because high school kids are basically the target audience for that kind of literature.
There’s some time travel in this montage, too, I believe, but why get hung up on the details now, eh? When Emma walked out of the bedroom in this orange teddy catastrophe and Will’s jaw went agape, I laughed. Who wears those things for serious?
We then detour to Figgins’ Lair, where for reasons surely known to somebody somewhere but not anybody here, he gifts That So-Called Finchel with bumper stickers, miniature pom-poms, and $5 for their wedding, which will get them about 1/5 millionth of the way to Niagara Falls.
Anyhow, the real point of this meeting is that Figgins needs That So-Called Finchel to present an award at the Teacher Awards Ceremony —
Figgins: “Can you keep a secret?”
Um, as long as it’s not that you’re gay. Finn cannot keep that secret.
At some point the next day (???), Will thanks Emma, and this dialogue exchange happens:
Emma: “My man is a winner and he deserves to be treated as such. And it was as much for me as it was for you.”
Will: “Last night was way worth the wait, but I mean thank you for everything.”
Cut to the McKinley High School Auditorium, where Mrs.Hagburg (she of the “magically transferrable tenure”) has got news about her upcoming episode of Intervention and Figgins plans to give out the Teacher of the Year Award to one of McKinley’s stunningly incompetent educators. Honestly it’s a wonder these kids can read.
Figgins summons “That So-Called Finchel,” Prom Queen & King, onstage to present the award, which obviously goes to Will for his Magical Achievement in Keeping His Job as a Spanish Teacher Without Knowing Any Actual Spanish.
Sue: “Way to go, buddy.”
Schue stands up but Finn gets a bit angsty about the possibiity of being forced to leave the stage without talkng about himself for a few quick minutes:
Finn: “Three years ago, I thought I had it all. I was the quarterback of the football team, I was dating the head cheerleader, and then I met you, Mr. Schue, and I realized everything I was missing. There’s a lot of great teachers at this school who teach their students a lot of important stuff, like how to drive and fractions. But you teach your students how to dream and as far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing more important than that.”
Barf. Here’s Rachel!
Rachel: “When I first met you I was just an annoying Jewish girl with two gay dads and a very big dream. Today, I still have two dads, I’m still Jewish and I’m probably just as annoying, but I stand here before you headed to New York City come hell or high water, and I can honestly say I couldn’t have done it wthout you, and I will carry you with me every step of the way. No one deserves this more than you, we love you and this is for you.”
Well, that was cute, and leads us seamlessly into a musical presentation of the Vintage Queen number, “We Are the Champions,” and its inspirational message that there’s no time for losing because we are the champions, yes we are the champions…. OF THE WORLD.
So there you have it! Next week we’ll be saying “Goodbye” to this band of misfits and everybody will be crying and Gloria Estefan will guest star as Santana’s Mom.