You might think Conservatives are spending the New Year reflecting on the choices that led them to the absolute clown show that unfolded in the U.S. House of Representatives last week, as Republican Congressman Kevin McCarthy endured days of humiliating losses in the Speaker vote that almost led to a fist fight on the House floor. Or pondering how their own attempted coup of democracy inspired one in Brazil over the weekend. But no! What’s got Real Americans’ goats right now is the “woke” “lesbian” M&Ms that are heading to 7-Elevens near you any day now. The new M&Ms are just regular M&Ms, but with Green, Brown, and freshly born Purple on the package, flipped upside down so the M becomes a W for “woman.” M&Ms says the limited time candies are to honor “women all over the world [who] are flipping how they define success and happiness while challenging the status quo.” And who better to help them with that mission than “our own powerhouse spokescandies Green, Brown and Purple?”
You will remember, of course, like seven years ago when Green and Brown held hands on a park bench and nearly caused a riot at the Mars Wrigley Candy Factory.
Well, adding Purple has done nothing to diminish the hysteria. Fox News convened a four-person panel to produce a segment on it that opens with question: “Will M&Ms still melt in your hands if M&Ms are trans?” The pundit, whose name I refuse to learn, goes on to call Green “a seductress,” mocks the decision to switch her go-go boots to sneakers, and suggests the next thing we’ll see is the Three Musketeers “trading their swords for protest signs.” He then scrunches his face in mock disgust and asks, “What kind of message does it send to children when you devour these nonbinary bon bons?”
I just want to be clear that M&Ms have not created any trans and/or nonbinary mascots. I’d love it if they did, but these are just the same girl mascots as always, now with a Purple one. Can you imagine feeling emasculated and excluded from The Culture, to the point of a nationally televised rage spiral, because there’s no boy mascots on a limited edition pack of chocolate candy?
But wait! It gets worse! The lady pundit, whose name I also refuse to learn, calls Green “a snake” and “a conniving, climbing little bitch” and “an opportunistic little bitch” and suggests you should “run from women like the Green M&M.”
I wish I was making this up, but I’m not. The Daily Mail is involved now too. (Not linking, not sorry.) They’ve “uncovered” 11 Green & Brown fan fics on the internet and are convinced M&Ms are part of the “LGBTQ grooming problem.”
Apparently this is part of “Wokedom’s” big plan? Wait’ll they find out Skittles’ tagline is “Taste the rainbow.”
I will henceforth be introducing myself to everyone as a nonbinary bon bon.
yes please. Only refer to me as nonbinary bonbon from now on. Coincidentally, I love to be devoured ;) lol
Yessssss comment award!
Whooooof that is a lot to be projecting onto candy
i cannot stop laughing
Fragile white men melt again…shocked, I am not.
… just like m&M’s melt in your hand (or mouth if they’d got the tagline/science right)
can you imagine having so few problems that you have enough time to throw a televised hissy fit over the imputed gender of fictional chocolate spheroid blob creatures? what a world.
Funny how they have a melt down over fictional characters supporting women. It’s like they really want to show off how big of misogynist they can be to woo losers women & trans hating community.
Genuinely surprised there are only 11 Green & Brown fanfics. Maybe it’s time to run a ficathon.
Literally my first thought was ‘that’s it?’
I’m sure there’s things I really really really don’t want to know about that have way more than 11 fanfics about them.
CW for pulling out the transphobic quote:
“Will M&Ms still melt in your hands if M&Ms are trans?”
The transphobia is awful, but the slogan from the 50s was actually: “Melt in your mouth, not your hands.” So at no point have M&Ms of any gender melted in anyone’s hands! These transphobic jack*sses can’t get anything right!!!
m&m’s also specifically don’t melt in your hand, that’s kind of their whole thing. Like he somehow managed to make his dumb joke that already didn’t make sense make even less sense by being even dumber. A feat really.
The things these people waste their limited time on. Truly incredible.
Truly a parody of themselves as always. Imagine being bothered by something so ridiculous 😂
The only silver lining here is, maybe with so much attention and anger focused on candy, it will pull a little of their time in energy away from hurting real people.
It takes a lot for a Fox News headline to take me aback but the startled cackle I let out at the headline could’ve been heard two counties over
Can’t believe when I switch from heels to sneakers for my gardening I instantly become conniving – what a power up item!
Wow… guess I’ll be buying some M&Ms soon! How is it that these people have not died of embarrassment?
Fox has nothing better to do than talk about ridiculous stuff.
they’re called the Three MUSKETEERS not the Three Swordsmen???? Why would they be trading in swords and not muskets???
The fox news people always baffle me. I would really truly like to know if these people actually believe in these bizarro worlds they’ve constructed or if they’re just doing it for the viewership.
Like, either they genuinely believe they exist in a world that’s just one horrifying nightmare scenario (purple m&ms in this case) after another and everyone is out to get them (especially that green m&m) or they are so extremely committed to the bit that they literally never break character in public.
I mean, they’re awful people either way, I would just like to know which it is.
I think unfortunately the more they do the former (commit to the bit), the more they believe the latter (that the purple m&m is out to get them).
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mods this comment doesn’t make sense & sounds transphobic, at least to me.
First of all, I was thinking to myself “Why does the purple M&M look so gay?” and then noticed she was wearing some sort of white Doc Martens, which must be a factor in how dykey she looks. Second of all, can’t wait for the green x brown x purple fanfiction to take the world by storm.
the funny thing about this is also that they managed, for once, to not make the “women” M&Ms some type of easily recognizable cliché of femininity (at least as far as I know, lol, I wouldn’t call myself a connoisseur in the art of gendering candy) so tbh without this article/the tagline I would have never made the connection “these two M&Ms are lesbians and the purple one is their child”, I wouldnt have even realized that the Ms were Ws, which makes Fox News’ preoccupation with this “problem” even more hilarious to me
Before I send this to people making fun of them, can I just confirm that this is in fact NOT satire? It’s so hard to tell
i cant stop laughing