If you, like me, haven’t thought about the board game Clue since you were approximately 12 years old, I want to invite you to consider it for a moment. When you think about Clue, if your first thought is “Man I wish that were a sexier, gayer game,” then boy do I have news for you!
No longer do little queer gals (me) have to pick Ms. Scarlett every time you play because she’s the prettiest (read, most seductive) one on the box. The year is 2023, and every character in Clue is queer now.
The Hasbro brand released a new edition of the board game this week, which caused a stir in a certain corner of Twitter (and across the Autostraddle Slack, obviously) due to the presence of one Kristen-Kish-Ruby-Rose-inspired chef, the artist formerly known as Mrs. White.
Hasbro's new version of Clue officially comes out today and I look forward to a generation of kids pointing to the new Chef White as their sexual awakening. pic.twitter.com/tF71wMjLyI
— Christian Hoffer (@CHofferCBus) January 4, 2023
But look, if that type of person doesn’t get you hot and bothered, have no fear. This game is essentially a gathering of queer intellectuals (come on, they’re all color-coded and hanging out in libraries!) I’m here to tell you that Chef White isn’t the only character armed and ready to cause sexual spiraling. Every. Single. Character. on this box is hot and gay and ready to ruin your life.
Professor Plum
The watch! The pressed slacks! The knowing smirk! This is a bi4bi lover! You two get into long existential conversations in the coziest, chicest coffee shops, until he has to leave you for his book tour.
Colonel Mustard
This man has never not been in a queer May-December relationship — when he was young, he was the May, and now he is the most sought after December of the whole community. Hosts gorgeous brunches at his gorgeous home but ultimately makes you feel a little inadequate in how Together he is.
Mr. Boddy
More like Mr. Body-ody-ody. In the Clue game lore, Mr. Boddy is the owner of the mansion that brings all his friends together. But that painting on the wall? That’s a messy bitch that lives for drama and is prone to setting up intricate parties that he then deliberately disappears from. Think I Kissed Shara Wheeler but even more elaborate.
Mr. Green
He rarely wears suits, but when he does, it’s in this bright color. He is the absolute life of the party but doesn’t have a terribly long attention span. Fun for a fling that you can’t stop thinking about for potentially years.
Miss Scarlet
Okay okay okay phew. I know there was a lot of focus on Chef White but come on. Miss Scarlet? She commands attention. She’s a hot femme who is just the right amount of mean to you. You will make a fool of yourself trying to impress her, and then you’ll keep doing it every time you see her.
Mrs. Peacock
Mommi? Sorry. Mommi? Sorry. Mrs. Peacock looks like she belongs directly on Christina Tucker’s radar and Mean Mommi list. She’s a business executive, she’s way too busy to commit to a loving relationship, she rocks a paintsuit. She’s perfect, your honor.
Anyway, time for a different type of game:
Introducing the Marry/Fuck/Kill variant of Clue https://t.co/lmKgIzKFnh
— Niko Stratis (@nikostratis) January 4, 2023
Holy cow! This is a lot sexier than the Clue of my childhood and way more interesting than even the Star Wars themed Clue I played with my niblings a few years ago.
You guys do realize sexual orientation has nothing to do with the way you dress right? You can’t just see a short haired lady and assume she’s lesbian.
Sexual orientation isn’t a personality ya goofs.
when i saw that tweet earlier this week i immediately texted my clue-loving cutie to be like ‘should we get Hot Clue’ and the fact that their response was to ask to inspect the game board for its fidelity to the original before confirming that yes we absolutely should- folks, i swoon
Omg, “The Clueer Cast/In The Press Release/With Their Hotness” seems like a pretty good guess rn!
comment award!!!!!
“Man, I wish that were a sexier, gayer game” is how I think about everything in life tbh!
mrs peacock with the tuxedo jacket in the bedroom is how i die.
@queergirl – comment award!
I’m so happy you wrote on this because I thought it would be autostraddle staff thirsty comedic gold. My additional thoughts:
Plum:my sapiosexual dream boat
Mustard: Analyssa’s description is perfect. No notes.
Boddy:makes me think of Georgi Moroder’s “from here to eternity” for some reason, so Analyssa’s decrypting checks out https://youtu.be/qTFEyFEu1Fk
Green:absolutely has full sleeve tattoos and you call him daddy
Scarlett:you absolutely want her to step on you
Peacock:Bette Porter. Or a detective. I read too much Rizzoli and Isles fanfic where not ACAB and crimes actually get solved and the real bad guys get brought to justice in between intense eye-sex and emotional hurt/comfort scenes where they finally have intense hot sex, ok?
White: Best Facebook comment? Ms. White, in the bedroom, with a strap on. I will definitely pick her spoon clean ;)
heyy since you mentioned rizzles fic, any chance you could give me the titles of a few of your faves? I got absolutely punched by nostalgia the second I saw your comment, the college throwback is real.
Mr. Green is giving Drag King energy, imo.
Will die for Mrs. Peacock. Sign me up.
I see that Jane Rizzoli has joined the gang under the name of Mrs Peacock… And we all know that if Jane Rizzoli is around then it means that Maura Isles is around too.