I’m not saying this summer will necessarily be a Summer of Breakups again — although it’s true there are two eclipses in Cancer season this year, yikes — but if you do find yourself suddenly among our number, I and many others are here to tell you that some semblance of a love life does exist on the other side of breakups, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Someone has gotta make the first move, or you’re gonna spend the rest of your life hyper-aware of the fact that two centimeters of your outer thighs are touching as you sit next to each other rigidly on the sofa watching Masterchef Junior.
The best way to resolve relationship anxiety isn’t what you think this month, as the eclipses show us what’s been hidden.
This one goes out to all the horny stoner witches and the poor souls who love us (or will after they smoke our magick rose joints).
Rumor has it you and your ex have found yourself potentially back in your feelings and might be considering dating again. Okay! Interesting! You do you, babe! I’m sure you’re fielding a whole lot of questions and judgements right now, depending on the situation, and probably could use some light guidance without judgement.
“Whatever, it’s fine. Give them your kidney. Then take one of their kidneys. It’s a kidney swap.”
We have more movies about lesbian and bisexual women than ever before; they’re not necessarily always realistic, but can still bring us meaningful and constructive relationship truths, regardless of how far removed from our real lives their plots are, or how many falcons they contain.
Much like how a bio should be written with the goal of giving a hottie something to react to, a first message should be easy to reply to and easy to move the conversation forward from! What does one say to “hey” aside from “hey,” or on a sunny day, “hey!” I ask of you.
140 FUCKIN’ THRUSTS PER MINUTE
Almost everyone I have spoken to who has tried the Womanizer Premium agrees on two things: the name is fucking awful and the device is fucking fantastic. I would agree.
Coffee and drinks are easy, but why stick to what’s easy? Get creative, but not so elaborate that your date thinks you’re madly in love with them and about to propose.
12. Sometimes Love Doesn’t Win, Quinn
I wish this Aggro Crag were maybe just a smidgen less aggro.
“Looking back the flirtation was sort of obvious? Danny characterized the general tone as ‘I wanted you to know I didn’t speak French, but that I was still smart.'”
In defense of daytime dates: they rule.
Embrace a little chaos without getting in trouble with your therapist.
“Honestly I love myself, and I think I’m super hot.”
“I have recently grown attracted to someone who is older than me. Not too much older, but enough to make me question where I’m coming from.”
Taurus season is in full bloom — whatever your relationship is to embodiment and pleasure, expect it to change this month.
12. Punch me in line for prison cabbage