Sex/Life is a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. We send them nosey questions, they record themselves answering them, and we transcribe that conversation for all of us to enjoy. All names have been changed and any identifying details removed.
Noa (32) and Jules (30) are a pair of queer New Yorkers — Noa’s a singing, performing, bike-riding waitress living in Manhattan; Jules is currently a job-searching admin who makes a mean banana bread and has a soft spot for Brooklyn queer rec sports. They’ve been dating for a year and a half, are polyamorous, live separately (by choice, not logistics), and describe their sex life as intense, evolving, and deeply shaped by a top/bottom dynamic.
And this is how they fuck:
What was your sex life like when you first started dating, and how does that differ from now?
Noa: When we first started dating, our sex life was really good. We had great chemistry right away, but I was a little scared to be open about what I wanted.
Jules: I could sense that, but I didn’t know what you were holding back.
Noa: Yeah, I didn’t even know how to bring it up at first. But then I told you — I wanted us to have a Daddy/Baby Girl dynamic. I wanted you to be Daddy.
Jules: And once you said that, everything just made sense. The chemistry we already had suddenly had a shape.
Noa: It unlocked something for me. Like, emotionally and sexually, it gave me permission to fully show up as Baby Girl. I felt safe, I felt turned on, and the sex got way hotter — almost instantly.
Jules: Same for me. I like taking charge sexually — I like initiating, leading, setting the tone. And being called Daddy during sex? Yeah. That works for me.
Noa: And calling you that just drops me into this headspace where I’m totally present. Like, I’m not overthinking anything. I just get to feel and respond.
Jules: It also helped clarify how we wanted to interact physically. Like, I’m the one guiding things a lot of the time — you’re responding, receiving, asking. That rhythm works really well for us.
Noa: And even though I’m mostly in that Baby Girl role, I still feel powerful. It’s not passive. Sometimes I’m telling you what I want or how I want it, and you’re making it happen.
Jules: Yeah, you’re definitely a power Baby Girl. There’s still a lot of intention and presence in how you show up in that role.
Noa: I think that’s why it works. It’s not about play-acting — it’s just who we are in bed, and giving it a name helped us own it.
You live together — how does that impact your sex life?
Noa: We don’t live together — we’ve only been dating a year and a half. And I know for a lot of lesbians that’s basically a lifetime, but we both really like living alone.
Jules: Yeah, and when our leases were up, it was still too early to move in together. We even considered living across the hall from each other — there was an open apartment right across from you — but even then we were like, “That’s probably too soon.”
Noa: Living separately has been great for our sex life, honestly.
Jules: Totally. We get to yearn for each other. Every time we see each other, it feels fresh and exciting.
Noa: Like a hot, slow burn. I’m never sick of you.
Jules: Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
If you’re parents or caretakers, how has that impacted your sex life?
Noa: We’re not parents, unless you count the four cats — two each.
Jules: And we’re not planning to have kids, which I think will positively impact our sex life forever.
Noa: We’ll be able to have sex forever! Woo-hoo.
Do you have a top/bottom dynamic?
Noa: Yeah, we do. You’re Daddy and I’m Baby Girl.
Jules: I’m usually the top, and you’re usually the bottom.
Noa: That dynamic was something I was more drawn to from the beginning. You didn’t totally know that until I brought it up.
Jules: Yeah, I didn’t realize that’s what you were wanting until you said it. But once we named it, it really clarified how we already were with each other.
Noa: You naturally take the lead. And I naturally like… giving over to that. Being guided, responding to what you’re doing. It’s really satisfying for me.
Jules: I definitely identify as a top-leaning switch. Especially at the beginning of sexual relationships, I tend to top. I usually don’t feel ready to bottom until I feel really safe and comfortable with someone.
Noa: And I’m kind of the opposite. I default to bottoming, but I can top sometimes once I feel secure. But even then, I’m what you’d call a timid top.
Jules: A whispery little top. But yeah — our dynamic works. We fall into it really naturally. And even though we say top/bottom, I think it’s more about the energy. Who’s leading. Who’s holding the space.
Noa: Exactly. Even when I’m bottoming, I can still be a power bottom. I’m often saying what I want, what feels good, and kind of steering things that way.
Jules: And that’s hot. It’s not about who’s doing what physically — it’s about who’s holding which role. I think people misunderstand how layered that can be.
Noa: Yeah. Being Baby Girl doesn’t mean I’m passive. It means I’m giving you control — but with intention. And that dynamic just feels really good between us.
Do you feel like your sex drives are well matched?
Jules: I think they are. Honestly, you might be the first person I’ve dated who has a stronger libido than me.
Noa: Really?
Jules: Yeah. It’s kind of a new dynamic for me, but in a fun way. I feel like I’m keeping up with you.
Noa: That’s so interesting. I didn’t know that! But yeah, my past relationships — especially with men — I never wanted to have sex. It’s wild how much I want to have sex with you.
Jules: We’re definitely well matched in that way.
Noa: We’re super compatible. And that’s so nice.
What are some things you like or don’t like to do during sex?
Noa: I’ve always loved oral, but I’ve realized it’s kind of essential for me. Like, if someone doesn’t enjoy giving oral, it’s probably not going to work.
Jules: You’ve said that before. And it’s not that you want it every time, but you kind of expect it to be part of the experience — like, it’s baseline.
Noa: Totally. I just think it’s hot. And with you specifically, it feels… right. Like our bodies are made for each other.
Jules: It really does feel like that. You say that a lot when I’m going down on you.
Noa: Because it’s true! I’m like, “Oh my god, this is exactly what’s supposed to be happening.”
Jules: That’s so cute. For me, I’m not super into penetration. I’ve enjoyed it in the past, but these days I rarely want it.
Noa: And I do like penetration. I also like butt stuff, but you’re less into that on yourself.
Jules: I don’t hate it — it’s just not something I seek out. And I feel like the older I get, the less interested I am in that kind of sensation.
Noa: Fair. Oh, and biting — someone bit me kind of hard at a party the other day, and I didn’t love that.
Jules: I bite you sometimes, too. Probably too much?
Noa: A little. I don’t mind a soft bite, but I’m not into pain. Like, a light spanking is fun, but anything more than that, and I’m out.
Jules: Same. I’m not a sadist. I don’t want to hurt you — I just want to have fun.
Noa: Same. Not to yuck anyone’s yum, but that kind of play just isn’t for us.
Jules: Also — poop stuff? Hard pass.
Noa: Yeah, no scat play for me. I’m down to try most things once, but not that.
What are some things you’d like to try (or try again)?
Noa: We’ve done some group sex, and that’s been fun. I’d definitely do that again — with you.
Jules: Same. I’d like to explore more rope stuff. Flogging. Shibari.
Noa: You were learning how to tie me up.
Jules: Yeah, and I’d want to get better at it! Someone told us how easy it is to cut off circulation if you tie too tight. That kind of scared me.
Noa: Me too. We should learn more before we do anything serious.
Jules: Definitely. They said to always have scissors nearby in case you need to cut someone out quickly.
Noa: I follow people who do suspension and hang from ceilings — it looks amazing.
Jules: Yeah, but you need a whole setup for that.
Noa: We’d probably need to go to a professional. I don’t think we’re there yet, but I’m intrigued.
Jules: First step: buy rope.
How important are orgasms to your sex life?
Jules: We’re having a lot of orgasms, but they’re not the most important thing for me. I just want us to feel good and be connected.
Noa: Yeah, we orgasm most of the time, but not always. Sometimes I fall asleep before it’s my turn. Like a man.
Jules: Most of the time we both come, but if we don’t, it’s not a big deal.
Noa: We’re good at checking in. If one of us doesn’t finish and wants more, we’ll do more. If not, we’re fine. No one takes it personally.
Jules: No ego bruises here.
What role does masturbation play in your sex life?
Noa: We only recently started masturbating in front of each other. I do it a lot — high sex drive over here.
Jules: I don’t really masturbate often.
Noa: Wild. But you’ve started watching me do it, and that’s fun.
Jules: Yeah, it’s hot. It’s like, why would I do it when you’re right here?
Noa: And when you’re watching, you usually get involved pretty quickly.
Jules: True. I’d be curious to watch you masturbate all the way to completion sometime.
Noa: Like the Tootsie Pop owl: how many licks until…
Jules: Crunch. Exactly! I also don’t really watch porn.
Noa: We’ve never watched it together. That one time we tried, I got too shy.
Jules: Porn just doesn’t do it for me. It feels so fake, it pulls me out of the mood. When I do masturbate, I don’t watch anything. I just… think.
Noa: You’re just using your thoughts?! That’s amazing.
Jules: If I’m masturbating, I’m already turned on. I don’t need extra stimuli.
Tell us about your favorite or most memorable time you’ve had sex together.
Noa: Obviously the group sex was memorable because it was new. But one time we were at your place, and we were super tangled up and close. You were holding my face and said, “I feel so connected to you.” It was beautiful.
Jules: I remember that. It felt out of body — like we were physically together but also spiritually fused.
Noa: It really felt like our bodies were meant to be with each other.
Jules: Not to get too woo, but yeah. We were deeply connected.
Noa: I write about our sex all the time in my five-year journal. Like, “hung out with you — amazing sex.” Sometimes I just write “sex.”
Jules: Those are the mediocre ones?
Noa: Not mediocre — just less memorable. But even our regular sex is so good. It’s kind of ridiculous.
Jules: I do think we have really, really good sex.
