Why Do I Only Want the Girls Who Don’t Want Me?

I’m 31 and haven’t had a longterm relationship since high school. I can tell you with clinical precision that the reason I can’t stay attracted to available women is because of my high school girlfriend who spent two years pulling me in and pushing me away. Somewhere in my mind that will always be True Love to me. Agony and ecstasy. So I can explain this tendency, but what I cannot do is fix it!

Right now I’m dating someone incredible, kind, consistent, reliable, but every time she tells me how much she likes me, I get this dying feeling in my heart. Meanwhile I met someone last week who was aloof and a little bit rude and I can’t stop thinking about her.

How do people break out of this? Have I just not met the right person yet, and when I do, I won’t lose interest the more interest she has in me?

Am I wrong to hope that maybe if I met the right person, their good behavior and appreciation for me would maybe not deflate my heart? Or will I just keep breaking my own heart until I’m too old and tired to want the chaos?

Valerie: I think you need to investigate this “dying” feeling you describe feeling when your partner tells you she likes you. Try to figure out what it really is. Is it the realization you don’t like this person as much as she likes you? Or is it something inside you trying to convince you that you don’t deserve to be treated with so much love and respect. I think analyzing this within yourself, and talking it out with others – with your friends, with your partner, and preferably, if possible, a therapist – could help you sort out if this person isn’t right for you, or if you’re not ready to accept that kind of love yet. A good relationship shouldn’t make you feel bad half of the time.

Nico: So, I feel like your question is not looking at all possibilities. You ask if you will either a) be cured by the right person, or b) keep breaking your own heart forever, but change is an option that exists! You already know that an early relationship influenced (and probably reinforced) your relationship to attachment. If you examine the dying feeling and find that it comes because the idea of consistency and showing up yourself consistency and being emotionally available is distressing, then it might be beneficial to look into avoidant attachment styles. Now, I’m not 100% sold on attachment theory, but there might be some helpful resources in this thread from the avoidant subreddit about healing. What really keyed me in here was your response to someone who was “aloof and a bit rude.” Safe relationships do not feel like anxiety, it’s true, but if what we equate with love and care is a stress response, then if we don’t figure that out and work on it and work on healing that response, then that is what we will continue to seek out in relationships. Finally, there is plenty of time and plenty of hope for you. However, if you think you need to take a break from dating to go to therapy and read / watch resources on healing and work on your approach to relationships, then I would break things off with the person you’re dating sooner than later. No one should be led on by someone they were showing up for consistently who felt upset by their kind and reliable approach to the relationship. I hope that makes sense and doesn’t feel too harsh. On the other hand, this person could not be good for you and something in your body is telling you that with that “dying” feeling, and you should break things off in that case as well. And, I realized this does not go without saying, but you should probably not continue to see the person who is rude to you. That’s not good and you don’t deserve to be treated rudely! Whatever the situation may actually entail, you sound like you’re really aware and introspective and that’s an awesome start toward figuring this out.

Summer: I don’t know exactly what your high school relationship did, but if it’s that impactful on your future relationships, I’m honestly wondering if it was somehow abusive. A ‘ hot-or-cold’ dynamic isn’t inherently abusive, but it’s often found in those kinds of relationships. If it’s had such a heavy impact on your future relationships, I think it’s worth investigating just how far down the harm goes. I can understand that a high school relationship was very meaningful at the time – especially if it was your first – but this could go deeper than you think.

Whether or not you consider that past relationship abusive, its effect on you mirrors a lot of abusive relationships. You were subjected to bad behavior and it has shaped your understanding of love and affection. It was so heavily shaping that you can recognize good behavior, but struggle to accept it. That’ s a LOT of impact from a relationship that happened over a decade ago. I echo Nico’s sentiment that somebody whose behavior can be summarised as ‘rude’ to you isn’t someone you want in your life. And they won’t be good for you while you work through your complex feelings and past.

Any tips on how to eat like an adult? I hatteee preparing food and I see all these influencers on tiktok making BOWLS with multiple ingredients every day and sometimes it does get to be nighttime and I know that I haven’t eaten a single vegetable. I live alone so fruits and veggies go bad fast and I don’t grocery shop a lot. I try to roast sweet potatoes sometimes and they burn. Is everyone out here REALLY eating multiple vegetables a day? Salads have so many ingredients. It’s just easier to make peanut butter and jelly, or a frozen Trader Joes meal, but am I going to die of scurvy? 

Valerie: There are easy ways to get veggies that don’t involve putting a whole salad together. But also, there are entire salad kits that come pre-made, all the veggies ready to go. (Though…maybe wait until the recalls are lifted…) There are frozen meals that have veggies, and there are frozen veggies that come in a bag you can literally toss in the microwave for four minutes right in the bag and mix them into some rice or mashed potatoes or just eat them with some salt or a little bit of butter. They pair great with frozen chicken nuggets! You can also try frozen veggie tots for a fun side to your PB&J. If you want to learn how to not hate preparing food quite as much, you could try a meal kit service like Hello Fresh or Blue Apron. They send you exactly the amount of fresh ingredients that you need, so you don’t have to worry about the excess going bad, and they walk you through how to prep everything so you won’t burn it. Some stuff even comes pre-cut and you just have to wash and cook it. It’s like training wheels for cooking, and I really enjoyed learning how to cook that way. Worst case scenario: talk to your doctor about what vitamins you need to be taking. It’s no fun to get scurvy if you’re not a pirate, so find a fun way to sneak some easy veggies in!

Nico: I love this question! I also live alone and really rely on my freezer because I am just a few unexpectedly busy days away from having all my carefully plotted produce rot and go to waste. Frozen produce is just as, if not more nutritious than fresh, and you shouldn’t feel bad about going mostly with frozen. If I’m eating fresh produce, it’s because I’ve actually had time to go to a farmer’s market and get some fruit, because I am eating a salad kit within the first few days following a grocery shop (although I have been avoiding these lately for reasons), or because I’m eating out. Otherwise, it’s really a nope. I always have pre-seasoned bags of veggies in my freezer. Currently I’m loving the sheet pan vegetables by the Tattooed Chef. If I’m microwaving up something else, I toss some in, or if I’m feeling fancy, I’ll sautee some up on the stove. Roasting up sweet potatoes to portion out over the next few days is also a great strategy. I think you just might be cooking them on too high heat / not paying enough attention. That’s usually how things burn. Look up recipes for roasting, set timers for before the end of the recommended cook time, and you should be okay. Getting enough fiber and nutrients isn’t just about vegetable vegetables, either. Legumes and whole grains are also healthy and important. While of course pre-packaged food usually doesn’t beat homemade nutrition-wise, something like these Tasty Bite Madras Lentil packets, while high in sodium, are also high in fiber. I’ll usually pair one of these with a packet of microwavable rice — and I do not salt the rice because we already have enough sodium. It takes a couple of minutes and only uses a microwave, does not require refrigeration, and at most dirties a bowl and a spoon. Speaking of Trader Joe’s, I also love these squiggly noodles from TJoe’s. I’ll add some frozen pre-seasoned protein, like their bulgogi beef, as well as some frozen veggies on top. For breakfast, “instant” oatmeal is a superb base for a morning bowl. You can add frozen fruit (nuke it in the microwave to soften first), nut butters, seeds, granola, whatever makes you happy. Frozen fruit, seeds kept in fridge or freezer, nut butters — all these last a while. You can also substitute the oatmeal base for yogurt or cottage cheese. Finally, finally, I recommend, if you’re into smoothies and can purchase one, something like a Magic Bullet. The fact that the blender is also the cup and the cup is the blender reduces dishes and mess and it’s not cooking and an easy vehicle through which you can add supplemental nutrition. Add a milk/yogurt/water to some fruit and add in some protein powder or even veggie powder and you have created a relatively healthy meal that you can take with you to work or out on errands or to the couch or whatever. Finally, the meals influencers make for content are part of their job because making content is their job. I hope you will not feel pressure to be just like them when you probably have a whole job and love that does not depend on creating meals for the purposes of content. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you’re just not using your time in the same way as a content creator, and it’s totally okay to not do much cooking or food prep and to say that it’s not a priority to do so.

Summer: Social media content is very tightly edited and designed to be entertainment. It’s almost never functional. And in truth, most people doing it don’t live anything like the videos would portray them (I’ve started doing more social media stuff lately and I’m learning this firsthand).

Cooking while living alone is a schlep. If you want to cook regularly (which is the generally cheaper and healthy-ish option), efficiency is the name of your game. Most of my veg is frozen and I decant it into my rice cooker (with the rice) as needed. My whole vegetables exclusively go onto the oven tray for veggie roasts. And I always roast in batches and freeze sets of leftovers.

Your leftovers can also be pre-portioned into batches using divided silicone containers. There are plenty of meal prep containers that basically freeze your food into giant ice cubes (Souper Cubes is one, but there are many others). These let you freeze the food and partition them into plastic bags or other freezer storage as giant food cubes for later.

I find that most of the hassle with cooking for one isn’t even the cooking. It’s the dishes. Try to make your cookware go further. If you’re doing a cooking or meal prep day, squeezing multiple uses out of a pot or pan is ideal. The pot that made today’s stock can make this evening’s stew/pasta. You can make batches of plain pasta, then rinse out the pot and do your sauce/sides in it. As long as you pay attention to contamination (beware chicken and mince), you can really stretch that labour out.

Riese: I confess there is a lot of string cheese and PB&J and cereal being consumed in this home. But also I second the frozen recommendations, not all frozen fruits/veggies are created equal but I could eat slightly defrosted black sweet cherries all day.