Q. Can I ask Them To Rehome Their Cat For Me?
I’m starting to get serious with this person who I am truly OBSESSESSSSSEEEEDDD with, everything is so great but I need to ask the gay internet if it ever happens that someone rehomes a cat for a relationship? I am REALLY allergic to cats. I already take allergy medicine every day and I’ve done allergy shots (for many things not just cats) and I don’t get hives from cat contact anymore but I still have a really severe reaction and i don’t see myself ever being able to co-habitate with a cat. they’ve had their cat for five years. they know about my allergy (we keep fresh clothes at my house to change into to avoid cat stuff traveling with them) and i know we should just talk about it directly but before we do I want to know if it would be crazy for me to expect them to rehome their cat for me if the relationship becomes more serious and we want to live together, or should I end it before it gets too serious? For obvious reasons I’ve never had a pet.
A:
Valerie: Yes, you do need to have this conversation directly before you get too serious. But no, I don’t think you can ask someone to rehome their cat for you. I also have severe cat allergies and could never live with a cat, so I’m actually surprised you’ve gotten this far into your relationship without discussing it at all. Now, I’m not saying she WOULD never rehome her cat. I don’t know her relationship to this cat, and if she has someone in her family who she’d be happy sending it off to. But you cannot go into that conversation with the expectation that someone would choose your relatively new relationship with their cat they’ve had for five years. I also have never had a pet, so I have never experienced the feeling myself, but it seems to me that it would be like asking them to kick their sibling or child out of their home for you, and it’s just not a polite thing to ask or expect. However, it’s definitely worth talking about now, about whether you both see the relationship heading toward something more serious, and what the solution would be if you wanted to take a next step, and what that next step would look like. I don’t know where you live, and if it would be plausible to talk about having a shared home that has an entire section or floor the cat is not allowed in or something (I live in NYC where that is not possible, so cat owning is a non-starter for me re: dating, unfortunately), but before you can discuss possible solutions, you have to address the problem.
Summer: Yeah this needs to be discussed before your relationship escalates any further. Everything I know about queers and our pets is that they’re tantamount to family. If your new person feels this way, the cat has a five-year claim to them that you don’t. And the cat depends on their care more than you would, so rehoming would jeopardize its life way more than declining a relationship with you.
You can ask your partner to rehome the cat. Be prepared for them to be highly concerned or offended. And be prepared to outline in tremendous depth why living with a cat is utterly untenable. I’m not going to say you should end it here and now, but this is entering dealbreaker territory for someone.
As you probably know from experience, allergies aren’t always fixed. Some allergens are worse than others and some allergens can wind down with exposure/acclimatization. I’m guessing you’ve already had exposure to your partner’s cat and I don’t want to subject you to suffering, but I’ll point out that repeated exposure to a particular animal or breed can lead to some resistance to it. You’ve otherwise done the sane steps of allergy shots and medications already, so I can’t think of any more steps in that direction.
My last thought is that… I’m sure this person is great for you and you love them. However, if you can’t exist around pet dander and they’re into pets, they might not be an ideal fit for you even if you love each other. Something to consider.
Ashni: Oh, buddy. That’s not a fair ask. Yes, it happens, but to expect them to rehome their cat is an unfair expectation. The cat has been in their life for a lot longer than you have, and I suspect is just as important as a family member at this point. You can bring it up as a hypothetical, framed around how you two might cohabitate in the future, but I wouldn’t be surprised if their vision for your shared future includes their cat in their home. I’m also allergic to cats. My bloodwork was off the charts allergic, and I get sneezy and wheezy around my girlfriend’s cat. It sounds like your allergy is much more severe, and I’m sorry. But I wouldn’t ask my girlfriend to rehome her cat, and more than that, I know she wouldn’t. But we’re making it work, thanks to my allergist. I know you said allergy shots didn’t work for you, but is your partner open to vacuuming right before you come over, or switching their cat to an allergen-reducing pet food? An air purifier could work wonders, as would limiting the rooms the cat is allowed in (ex: no cat in bedroom). I don’t think you need to end it. Since you’re not getting hives around cats anymore, which is awesome, I’d ask if you’ve tried being at her house, and seeing how your immune system reacts. But if you’ve tried truly everything and it’s not working, then yeah, maybe worth having a tougher conversation.
Riese: I’m also a person who would never get past a second date with a cat owner due to allergies! I don’t know how old the cat is, but IDK… maybe you just put off living together while the cat is still with us on this earthly plane? Here’s a piece we did about couples in serious long-term relationships who choose to live apart.
Q. How Bad Is Twinning, Really?
My girlfriend and I look NOTHING alike besides that we both have light skin and dark curly hair. But our facial features are really NOTHING alike at all, we have very different bodies, height, and so forth. But people still make jokes about us looking alike because of our hair and skin tone. I think this is their problem not mine, but my girlfriend seems to think it is actually my problem and will say one of us has to change if we’re wearing the same color shirt, etc. she says twinning is so embarrassing. But we’re not twins! I think when we do this we are letting the terrorists win. she disagrees. who is correct.
A
Valerie: I personally do think it’s their problem and not yours, but I can also see it getting really frustrating being mistaken for twins or siblings because of said problem. I think you could come up with some fun quips and comebacks for when this happens, but in the meantime, it seems like an easy enough ask from your girlfriend that you don’t wear matching outfits. I personally think you should be able to wear whatever you want, matching or otherwise, and not worry about other people, but I understand if she’s not there yet. In time, she’ll probably realize it won’t actually help stop the comments all that much and wearing whatever you want is the answer. After all, to be cringe is to be free.
Summer: Well to start with, when did ‘twinning’ become something to be avoided anyway? I don’t see the problem with looking a bit alike or resembling a partner/loved one. And in a world where that is a problem… I’m on your team. It’s not your problem. If people’s only evidence of your likenesses is skin tone and hair color + texture, that just seems like an inept, slightly prejudicial remark? I don’t even get why people would need to say that to someone because it seems to have so little value.
I think the real point of contention here is that your girlfriend is turning this outside perspective into internal policing. I’d probe the reasons she finds ‘twinning’ to be embarrassing and how it affects her when people remark on your likeness.
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