Can NOM Just Shut Up About Gay Marriage Already

You know what? This is just getting stupid and boring. I want to stand on Maggie Gallagher’s lawn with a giant sign that says STOP TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME and I want Tegan & Sara singing “I Was Married”  with lyrics adjusted slightly to fit the occasion (I married in the sun / (tell me where tell me where) / Against the stone of resolutions passed before) and also I’d like it if Ellen DeGeneres could dance while Portia holds a sign that says GET OVER IT ALREADY. That’s what I would like.

But you know what I wouldn’t like? These things:

1.  Representative Vicky Hartzler of Missouri has introduced a resolution in response to Barack Obama’s announcement that he’d no longer support DOMA because it’s probs unconstitutional. The resolution “demands that the Department of Justice continue to defend the Defense of Marriage Act in all instances” and is being backed by more than one human, which is bizarre, because I mean how many crazy people have we elected to the House of Representatives? I don’t even know.

2. Some random County Clerk in California has stepped up to be the defender of Prop 8 in California because nobody else wants to, including the Governor.

3. Maryland’s same-sex marriage bill failed, and people are saying dumb things about it like “Really when you boil it all down, it is my personal belief that gays don’t really want to be married, they want their lifestyle choice normalized, and marriage is just the vehicle they are driving to get there. Only there is nowhere to park that vehicle.”

4. Due to a byzantine system of laws and regulations and hoops and loopholes, we might not get a ruling from The Supreme Court on overturning Prop 8 until the fall at the earliest, which makes my head explode.

NOM’s entire campaign against us is based in lies. Their leaders are probably all closeted homosexuals. They have deep ties to religious groups with deep pockets who prey on their uneducated flocks, sucking them dry of funds in an effort to support NOM’s campaign against same-sex marriage, which, as we all know has absolutely no tangible impact on these people’s lives whatsoever.

Meanwhile, 62% of Catholics support marriage equality. Former Presidential candidate John Kerry is cosponsoring the act which aims to repeal DOMA.  Senators who previously supported DOMA are now against DOMA. Another poll shows that 53% of Americans support same-sex marriage.

And NOM made this FANTASTIC video:


On Top Magazine points out, re: that ad:

Not mentioned in the ad are the facts that Clinton has since said he was “wrong” to sign the law, the bill’s author, former Georgia Representative Bob Barr, a Republican turned Libertarian, has called for the law’s repeal, and a number of Democratic lawmakers who voted for DOMA have since had a change of heart. The most recent being Washington Senator Patty Murray.

It’s like we’re in the 14th inning of a neverending came of equality baseball and we’ve done the Seventh Inning Stretch and are really, really, really ready to go home and have some spaghetti with our wife.

The thing is, NOM and its ilk will eventually lose. History is in our favor. Younger Americans favor gay marriage and as they reach voting age, anti-gays who attempt to circumvent the Constitution by allowing the majority to vote on the rights of the minority won’t even be able to depend on the voting population to back them up anymore. I mean, Santana is a lesbian for crying out loud.

In these trying economic times, it seems like this might be a good time to throw in the towel. Yet NOM is doing the opposite of that —  The National Organization for Marriage has requested 1 million dollars in support from their followers to match the other million-dollar grant they just received from an “anonymous donor.”

So what motivates them, really truly, to keep on kicking and screaming and putting up roadblocks to every single decision or announcement that somehow indicates America is no longer interested in writing bigotry and discrimination into the Constitution?

NOM Exposed is a good place to start looking for answers. This is America, after all, and money is money:

The National Organization for Marriage (NOM) is a highly secretive organization believed to be largely funded by the Mormon and Catholic churches. During the country’s greatest economic decline in decades, NOM has amassed huge resources to stop marriage equality, whether at the ballot box or in court. NOM publicly projects rationality and tolerance, yet keeps company with zealots and long-time LGBT antagonists.

In 2009, NOM claimed to have spent $8 million dollars protecting marriage and planned to raise $10 million in 2010. NOM has been fighting to keep its donor names a secret, saying they fear for the safety of their donors. Needless to say, their genuine fear is that it will be revealed that NOM has deep ties to The Mormon Church and right-wing evangelical Christians.


Ultimately what’s going on here is that we’re tired. We’re tired of waiting. As far as my impatient/self-entitled generation is concerned — we’re old enough to remember a time when same-sex marriage wasn’t even on the horizon but young enough that we naively expect change around every corner. So where’s our party.

I’ll be 30 later this year and most of my friends already are which means impatience is hitting a peak. As any Jewish Grandmother can tell you, now’s the time to get married or be FOREVER ALONE, to have children or BE BARREN AND MISERABLE FOR ALL OF YOUR GRAHAM-CRACKER EATING DAYS.

So come on NOM. What’s your damage?

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3211 articles for us.


  1. I love how they managed to not even include interracial couples in the pro-doma video.
    how very consistent of them!
    (any thoughts on them secretly opposing interracial marriage as well?)

    • Now, I can be doubly pissed off as a lesbian with parents in a loving interracial marriage. Still, I’m not really surprised. I felt like the images they included of families of color were so calculated and insincere. I get the feeling that they don’t really give a damn about anyone who isn’t a straight white upper-class male.

  2. I have explained again and again to people what the problem is, and people aren’t taking it seriously, aren’t listening, and won’t do what *really* needs to be done about this problem.

    NOM are never going to stop. You will see them getting *worse and worse* as they lose more and more. The more they lose, the *more* they will do everything they can think of to stop this. To them, it’s a GOD-GIVEN MISSION that they MUST stop marriage equality. To them, it is paramount that five states with marriage equality CANNOT become six; this must be stopped by every means they can find.

    I wish many, many, many more people were screamingly sick of them and ready to *really* fight them by every legal means they could possibly come up with. Not enough people understand how savagely determined that organization is to stop marriage equality in any way they can find.

    Trust me, believe me, you are *not* going to see them go away. And so long as the pro-gay stubbornly, stubbornly refuse to understand *why* they act as they do and see it for what it is, they won’t be fighting NOM properly, and NOM will continue to be able to sabotage your efforts.

    I have said this a million times, seen it fall on deaf ears a million times, and am waiting *ad infinitum* for the light bulb to go on over people’s heads. A much, much more informed pro-gay populace needs to fight this organization *properly*, and then NOM wouldn’t be gaining or winning anything. But so far, that’s not happening and every effort to get it to happen — at worst — results in VICIOUS criticism from the pro-gay and the gay activists themselves, who can’t stand that they’re losing at all … yet won’t do anything about it.

    It’s quite sad.

    • I’m all ears…what do we do first? how do we expose NOM for the religiously backed bigots that they are?

      and how do you fight zealous, irrational, extremist faith in their belief that god would rather eradicate gays then allow us any rights at all with reason and justice? this is depressing

      • You seem to recognize the basic problem. Because their views are irrational and extremist, they will stop at *nothing*. Therefore — pay close attention — logic dictates that you lose nothing *by acting in the same way*.

        If you had more support in this country, if you had majority support, I would not advocate extremist measures. But you don’t, not yet, not clearly and unequivocally, so I constantly and unendingly recommend fighting like sharks on crack.

        This issue of marriage is about to come up again in RI and NY. You people are *going to lose* unless you fight like crazy. Look at what they did in Wisconsin. There were WEEKS of savage protests. Take it as far as you can. Make the nation see that you are EXTREMELY serious about this and WILL NOT go away. In California, ask Actors’ Equity and the rest of Hollywood to go on strike for as long as the court does not allow gay marriage to resume. Set up national databases and list companies to buy from and not to buy from. There are tons and tons of things you could be doing. But recognize two things.

        1. You will meet resistance — from the PRO-GAY, who seem somehow terrified of NOM and terrified of rocking the boat. I can no longer find any other explanation for it except for a far uglier one: The gays are so used to being second-class citizens that they *act like it* and won’t REALLY fight for their rights.

        2. You will meet a backlash with every step you take; the anti-gay will not allow you to one-up them and will be driven to a FRENZY if you take these steps. LET THEM. THAT’S THE POINT. The measures above are not meant necessarily to result in success, one and all. But they will *push* this issue to a boiling point where the movable middle will *see* how you are being harassed and hated by the anti-gay. You have got nothing to lose. Those against you will always be; those with you will understand.

        I have explained this a trillion times and apparently most are not listening, or else they shoot down my ideas. Funny, that. Funny how marriage equality has not moved forward in FOREVER from five states to six. Hmmmm. Funny how Maryland just fell apart for the pro-gay and the activists. Maybe someone will finally start being logical and start listening. I eagerly await the day.

        • You really, truly, honestly do have a god-given right to these rights, enshrined in the language of the United States Constitution and enshrined in EVERYTHING it means to be an American. These are your rights, and they being denied to all of you. You have an absolute, unequivocal right to them.

          Start acting like it.

        • i agree with you, i think we have to fight fire with fire instead of fighting fire with kindling. that’s why we throw the word “revolution” around on here all the time.

        • I hope you don’t mind if I use this as reference for a story I am attempting to write? Your ideas are very relevant and I must say I wholeheartedly agree.

          • Thanking the poster above you, I can only respond here that if you are speaking to me, yes, this is fine. I have been attempting to disseminate these ideas for a long, long time. I have most recently and repeatedly, doggedly been explaining to anyone who will listen that NOM’s claim of a “free and fair vote of the people” is *NOT* free and fair, in a country where numerous people are calling gays child molesters and recruiters and in which polls claim that HALF THE COUNTRY believes it’s a choice, not inborn. How is that a “free and fair vote” when people are so horrifically misinformed, often *deliberately and intentionally*? That’s like holding a trial where Brian Brown of NOM is accused of being a rapist and murderer, than asking the jury to sentence him based on FALSEHOODS (as he is neither). People are voting for YOUR rights based on FALSEHOODS.

            Thank you.

        • How would one go about asking Actors Equity to go on strike? Sorry if this is a silly question but do you think emailing them would do anything? I agree with what you’ve said and what to start getting shit done but don’t know where to start.

  3. All I can say is that that video made me want to vomit…all over Maggie Gallagher!!!

    In all seriousness – I would like someone to ask her, flat out, that if her whole “marriage” spiel is due to the fact that marriage (in HER eyes) is a man and a woman coming together to procreate what happens to those that want to get married but don’t want any children? Should they divorce? Or what about those that get married and discover they cannot have any children? Should they get a divorce?

    She has said – numerous times – that this is the reason for marriage. That it is one man and one woman coming together to procreate and raise the next generation. Ok? So why has no one challenged her on this and asked her the tough questions? Seriously? Someone needs to take this woman in front of a huge rioting of press and interrogate her until she screams “Mercy” because she does not have the answers and knows she doesn’t.

    As long as we avoid doing this. As long as we avoid getting in her face and repeatedly challenging her stance in one setting so that she has NO time to go home and regroup, she will continue this BS.

    Let’s ask her the tough questions damn it! Let’s ask her why she cares soooo much about gay marriage but doesn’t seem to give a shit about the straight marriage divorce rate. Let’s ask her how she feels about single mothers/fathers because all children should be raised by a man AND a woman you know..that is the whole reason God created marriage after all. Let’s ask her why gay marriage matters soooo much to her but she doesn’t give a shit about all the “normal” families out there in which a child is abused or neglected. Let’s ask her the tough fucking questions and see her response THEN! Let’s see how she defends her gay marriage stance THEN.

    If no one else wants to step up then I will happily do it!!!! This woman is ridiculous and her, and ALL of NOM, need to be put in their place and stopped!

    **Stepping off soapbox now***

    As for the rest of the news:

    – DOMA will fail – I have hope.
    – The guy in California is just a douche wanting his 5 minutes of fame and figures bashing gay marriage is his chance
    – Hmmmm that comment from Maryland has to be the one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard! Are you telling me that because I’m gay I’m NOT normal and that by getting married I’d become MORE normal? Nope – I think I’d have to get married AND divorced to become “Normal” in the eyes of America. I mean, after all, more people get divorced nowadays than stay married so I would say that if us gays were fighting to be allowed to DIVORCE then we’d be trying to have our lifestyle normalized!! JMHO

    I’m tired too. However, at 33 and an eternal optimist, I have hope that in my lifetime I will be allowed to marry the woman I love. I’ll hold onto that dream until my dying day too or until the day gay marriage is legalized…whichever comes first! :)

  4. The funny thing about NOM’s arguments is that they are not against same-sex civil union, they just want to keep the stupid term “marriage” all to themselves. Why is it that we should (or should I say you, american lesbians, since I’m canadian) use another term for their strait business like, I don’t know, reproductive union, leave people who want it say civil union have all the wonderful couples in the world get married for the celebration of love, because having kids is not everybody’s goal in life anyways.

    Also, I only had my mom when I grew up, so seriously, they should shut up about the importance of having both a mom and a dad, because two moms are better then one and two dads are better then none.

    • Oh make no mistake – they’re against civil unions, too. They’ll trot it out as an excuse why we shouldn’t want to get married, sure, but you watch what happens any time a same-sex civil union/domestic partnership/whatever you call it law comes up for a vote… (See: Referendum 71 in Washington State)

  5. The marriage cops have to retire and go and play some bingo..

    Cheers, Joe Mustich, CT Justice of the Peace, USA.

  6. Anyone else think that the woman in the first picture with her husband and baby may have some ghey tendencies? she’s kinda hawt. i’m sad she allowed her pic to be in this disgusting ad

  7. Our House of Representatives majority is an ignorant, raging joke that is devoting it’s time passing actions that they know will never get by the Senate. They are a fucking worthless lot of inbred panderers who have no interest in achieving positive goals for anyone, just engaging in right ring posturing so Fox news will put up their pretty pretty picture.

  8. Isabel dear please pull yer head outta yer ass! NOM is not only against Same Sex marriage, they are against civil unions, Gays in the military, gays teaching children(or adults, for that matter), Same Sex SEX PERIOD!!!! They and their religiously backed ilk will NOT stop until the final “solution” to the gay problem is reached. They are EXTREMELY well funded and have branches WORLDWIDE!!!! we need to find out(for a fact) just who the fuck is funding these wolves in sheep’s clothing AND TARGET THOSE BUSINESSES!! THIS is ultimately WHAT THEY FEAR!!

    • Yeah, but there official message is still that they want to protect holy matrimony from homogayness…
      My point is still that reasonable people could make the kind of sacrifice I talked about. oh, right, NOM is not made of reasonable people. forget it then.

  9. I have had the distinct pleasure of meeting Ms. Gallagher and the opportunity to ask the very same questions posed by Kristy77. The answers were unsatisfying, a little ridiculous, and sometimes unintelligible.

    She was brought to my law school to speak by a Mormon group on campus. After reading all of her “scholarly” articles and listening to her speak I learned a lot about the way she deals with opposing arguments and the reality of the “mission” she and NOM have undertaken. Here are some highlights:

    + She considers herself to be the true target of bigotry. The gay community and its allies are loud and scary and she feels victimized. 

    + She believes that children raised in any family form differing from  “husband and wife” are at extreme risk for a laundry list of terribles that will befall their little lives. Interestingly though, Ms. Gallagher bore a child out of wedlock herself and raised him on her own. Funny how that happens. 

    + When confronted by tough questions she laughs and provides an unrelated answer. This tactic was particularly hurtful when a lesbian classmate (who married her partner in Oct. 2008 in CA)  asked some direct/hard questions and Galleghar laughed in her face in mockery. The classmate left in tears. 

    The bottom line is that Gallagher doesn’t have answers to the tough questions we pose and as long as there are deep pockets who don’t care about the curious laughter or radio silence that follow our queries, neither she nor NOM will go away.

    • Morgan,
      Your response is about what I expected someone who had spoken to Ms. Gallagher to say. It just saddens me that such a big bully is getting such a following.

      We think the bullying is just in schools? Well, we are wrong. Ms. Gallagher and her ilk prove that bullying continues against minorities of ALL types LONG after primary school is over.

      Sigh, I hope, someday, there will be an end to bullying. However, as long as anyone sees themselves as SUPERIOR to anyone else I don’t see that happening!!!

    • It would be heartening to think that asking the right questions would somehow result in Gallagher to think about her frighteningly bigoted rhetoric. In a way, it’s nice to have Morgan’s follow up comment here, because now I really get how it’s not going to happen. I think that, with time and perseverance on our part, NOM and other hate groups will dwindle in their numbers, but some people are just going to live on in their comfortable hate and discrimination until they die.

  10. On a lighter note, I walked away from this article with the image of Riese as an ace pitcher on the mound. Baseball metaphors make 98% of bad news easier to swallow for me.

    • Takeeee me out to the courthouse,
      Takeee me in to the judge,
      Gay-marry me now in dress white or tux black,
      Bring the U-haul so that I can pack,
      Let’s get a house and a cute cat,
      Maybe a kid some day too,
      And we’ll eat, sleep, and live our lives
      Like modern couples do!

  11. Riese, I too will be thirty later this year and you have summed up my feelings well. The frustration and impatience fuels my engagement in these battles, even though I feel like I shouldn’t have to be justifying such absurd assertions with a response.

  12. Great article, but the truly horrifying thing is that if you’re turning 30, that means I’ve started reading the L Word recaps for almost five years ago. Good god.

  13. The title of this article perfectly describes my feelings regarding NOM. Anytime I see their name my reaction is OMG WHY WON’T THEY GO AWAY!

  14. about the icon picture: i know this is terrible as this child is a child, but i want to punch her in her face.

    • I want to punch her parents in the face and then engage that kid in a casual conversation about gay rights and what that means.

      • This will be the only time I will quote Miley Cyrus, but can’t we have “The Best of Both Worlds?”

  15. I am going to be 30 this year already and I expect to get married to the man of my life too! I am tired of this bu***hit that keeps me lagging over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…. and on and on and on and on… always with the same stupid arguments given by people who should have no word on the way I want to live MY OWN life in respect of MY OWN nature.

  16. Pingback: Bahce 2010 » Blog Archive » Can NOM Just Shut Up About Gay Marriage Already

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