Some extremely invasive and simultaneously intrepid paparazzi managed to catch Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson, noted Very Good Friends, in the process of moving a sex bench into a home reportedly belonging to the (alleged) couple. As Page Six’s senior style reporter Emily Kirkpatrick noted,
fuck posing together on red carpets, this is easily the best celeb relationship confirmation i've ever seen pic.twitter.com/1OlVtkqSvE
— internet baby (@kirkpate) May 29, 2019
Our investigators theorize that the pair could have purchased the item at the West Hollywood Pleasure Chest, though it is certainly carried at other sex stores throughout the greater Los Angeles area. As our NSFW Consultant Carolyn Yates explains, “Basically the Master Series Obedience Extreme Sex Bench with Restraint Straps, which is what the Daily Mail points out they bought, is ergonomic BDSM and/or sex furniture. A sub can be in a kneeling-on-all-fours position without the joint pressure of actually kneeling on all fours, and with their torso and head and neck supported too. And a dom can restrain them that way and then not have to fuck around with spanking etc. someone who’s all the way on the floor.”
She also helpfully noted that the sub would be restrained by ten points — with two straps across each forearm and calf and then two across the torso — “which would be great if you wanted to struggle, because it would make going anywhere very difficult, but also safe from a joint health perspective.”
Yates also speculated that if in fact Ms Delevingne and Ms Benson were to be sexually involved in some purely hypothetical way, she would imagine that Ms Benson would in fact be the individual strapped to said bench. “The toppy face in the Daily Mail shots, the lingering eyes on Ashley’s ass, the quotation in which she says she’s submissive with men and the opposite with women — and making Ashley be the one who carries the bench backwards is also such a dom move,” Yates noted slyly.
While blissfully ignoring the Daily Mail’s unnecessary commentary (“It is unclear whether the couple purchased the additional extra for the machine, The D**ktator sex machine, which features a sex toy and retails at around £800.”), this reporter did notice that the photographer appears to be hiding in Cara and Ashley’s trash cans. To that end, we don’t know for sure that this was even Cara and Ashley’s place — for all we know, they were helpfully delivering it to someone else’s apartment. Did anyone hire a moving company?
At press time, Community Editor Vanessa Friedman was emphatically offering to write an Anonymous Sex Toy Review of the Master Series Obedience Extreme Sex Bench with Restraint Straps.
the fact checker in me would also like to point out that all we see is the box, and it could be a box used to transport something entirely innocuous. But the lesbian in me is now picturing them using it and if you’ll excuse me for a minute…
They’re using the box to smuggle in vegan baked goods so that no one knows that they’re queer.
This is gold. Prime smuggler skills.
Comment award
Gold !!
Stef, the concluding sentence to this article was a masterpiece.
listen
Why, certainly! We’ll all listen eagerly to whatever you have to tell us about it. <3
hahaha omg i am both blushing and delighted
<3 <3 <3
“Bench, Please!” by Vanessa Friedman
Obedient to the series of requests by my many fans, I set out to master my new toy. I am writing this review with some restraint, but I assure you it’s only because I am strapped for time, due to the major makeover of my home’s furniture I am simultaneously completing – thanks for the help, Snaelle! The subsext here is: reader, I got laid. Next up, I hear there’s this thing called “tabletop gaming,” and if it’s any relation, I can’t wait!
[There you go, V!]
1. Fuck the paparazzi.
2. These are the greatest paparazzi photographs of all time.
i feel exactly the same way
@floralprintdress if you need help moving that bench into your place for the review, dm me.
Looks like Some Assembly is Required.
And then testing said Assembly of course.
Maybe you should book off work for a few days
wow @snaelle this is so generous, thank you
as soon as i receive my free sex bench to review for autostraddle dot com i will be sliding into your DMs, duh
THIS IS COMMUNITY Y’ALL
So important to be able to hit each other up for community support, so that no-one feels left in the lurch.
Shouts out to the West Hollywood Pleasure Chest! 👍
They have great service!
I’ll be in my bunk
Stef, I’m so glad you came back from your hiatus to give us this
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Super appreciated Carolyn’s keen eye and commentary here too!
It took all the U-Haul jokes on another bench… I mean level.
Where did the Daily Fail get that price from? Amazon has it for just over $500 AUD, including shipping from the US (15kg).
I have to say that the “bench” looks, er, quite practical.
I’m having all kinds of feelings about this. And I do mean all kinds.
Gal pals purchase coffee table
Welcome back Stef!
I thought this headline was going to end up being some type of joke, like haha they bought a bench from IKEA or something (which would also have been pretty gay, but not quite the same thing) but IT IS NOT A JOKE HOLY SHIT WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE ETC ETC.