Vapid Fluff

BREAKING: Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson Bought a Sex Bench, Excuse Me, Coming Through!!

By

Some extremely invasive and simultaneously intrepid paparazzi managed to catch Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson, noted Very Good Friends, in the process of moving a sex bench into a home reportedly belonging to the (alleged) couple. As Page Six’s senior style reporter Emily Kirkpatrick noted,

Our investigators theorize that the pair could have purchased the item at the West Hollywood Pleasure Chest, though it is certainly carried at other sex stores throughout the greater Los Angeles area. As our NSFW Consultant Carolyn Yates explains, “Basically the Master Series Obedience Extreme Sex Bench with Restraint Straps, which is what the Daily Mail points out they bought, is ergonomic BDSM and/or sex furniture. A sub can be in a kneeling-on-all-fours position without the joint pressure of actually kneeling on all fours, and with their torso and head and neck supported too. And a dom can restrain them that way and then not have to fuck around with spanking etc. someone who’s all the way on the floor.”

She also helpfully noted that the sub would be restrained by ten points — with two straps across each forearm and calf and then two across the torso — “which would be great if you wanted to struggle, because it would make going anywhere very difficult, but also safe from a joint health perspective.”

Yates also speculated that if in fact Ms Delevingne and Ms Benson were to be sexually involved in some purely hypothetical way, she would imagine that Ms Benson would in fact be the individual strapped to said bench. “The toppy face in the Daily Mail shots, the lingering eyes on Ashley’s ass, the quotation in which she says she’s submissive with men and the opposite with women — and making Ashley be the one who carries the bench backwards is also such a dom move,” Yates noted slyly.

While blissfully ignoring the Daily Mail’s unnecessary commentary (“It is unclear whether the couple purchased the additional extra for the machine, The D**ktator sex machine, which features a sex toy and retails at around £800.”), this reporter did notice that the photographer appears to be hiding in Cara and Ashley’s trash cans. To that end, we don’t know for sure that this was even Cara and Ashley’s place — for all we know, they were helpfully delivering it to someone else’s apartment. Did anyone hire a moving company?

At press time, Community Editor Vanessa Friedman was emphatically offering to write an Anonymous Sex Toy Review of the Master Series Obedience Extreme Sex Bench with Restraint Straps.

Related:

Stef Schwartz is a founding member and the self-appointed Vapid Fluff Editor at Autostraddle.com. She currently resides in New York City, where she spends her days writing songs nobody will ever hear and her nights telling much more successful musicians what to do. Follow her on twitter and/or instagram.

Stef has written 451 articles for us.

29 Comments

  1. the fact checker in me would also like to point out that all we see is the box, and it could be a box used to transport something entirely innocuous. But the lesbian in me is now picturing them using it and if you’ll excuse me for a minute…

    Reply to This Comment

  15. I thought this headline was going to end up being some type of joke, like haha they bought a bench from IKEA or something (which would also have been pretty gay, but not quite the same thing) but IT IS NOT A JOKE HOLY SHIT WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE ETC ETC.

    Reply to This Comment

Contribute to the conversation...

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!