May Sweeps are upon us once again, gentle readers! If you are a queer woman of a certain age, that brings to mind one thing: straight women kissing each other as ratings stunts. If you are a queer women of a different age, you’re probably like, “WTF is a Sweeps, Hogan?” It’s an antiquated method of measuring TV ratings, small one. It’s the horse and buggy to Netflix’s spaceship. Really, it just means BIG THINGS are going to happen on broadcast network TV as the regular season winds down. Deaths, wedding, babies, fauxmosexuality. Stuff like that. Until then, there was stuff like this.
One Big Happy
Tuesdays on NBC at 9:30 p.m.
I firmly, fully believe if NBC had ordered even just a thirteen episode first season of One Big Happy, it would have hit its stride enough to stick around. Last week’s episode had all the humor and heart you could ask for in a freshman comedy’s fifth outing; nearly all the jokes and all the emotional punches landed right on target.
When Lizzie joined Luke and Prudence in Vegas to celebrate their two month wedding anniversary, they discovered that Luke and Pru weren’t really married, which was a major problem because Prudence’s green card was set to expire in less than a week. Lizzie offered to plan them a real wedding, one in which she could be the best man, and she even flew in Pru’s dad so Luke could ask for his daughter’s hand. Buuuut actually, the man Lizzie flew to Los Angeles was Prudence’s ex-husband, who had refused to sign their divorce papers years ago.
Lizzie’s plan to get Pru’s ex drunk enough to sign the papers backfired when he got so drunk that he fell for Lizzie. She kept up the ruse long enough to get him to sign the papers and convince him he’d slept with her and gotten her pregnant (the ruse lasted about ten minutes; Pru’s ex was kind of an idiot), but by the time he made a run for it, Luke was convinced Pru had only married him to get out of a bad situation.
So, he ran out in a huff and left Prudence crying on Lizzie’s shoulder. Tomorrow night is the season finale and likely the last episode of the show. We’ll talk about what that means later this week.
The Good Wife
Sundays on CBS at 9:00 p.m.
Kalinda Sharma has left the building, and her exit makes me wish I hadn’t spent all of last summer getting caught up on this show. The promise was a nuanced, kickass bisexual character whose platonic relationship with the show’s main character was a prism of Bechdel glory. I don’t know what happened behind the scenes, but it has been 50 episodes since Kalinda and Alicia were in a scene together, and they didn’t even share a goodbye as Kalinda had to go on the lam last night to save herself from Bishop after being unable to deliver evidence to implicate him in a crime big enough to send him to prison.
Kalinda did try to visit Alicia to say goodbye, but Alicia wasn’t home, so she wandered around her apartment and cried and pocketed a photo and left a note we never got to see. Kalinda’s storyline has been disconnected this season after her dissonant arc last season. It has been an enormous bummer to witness.. TV Line says she’s Archie Panjabi is actually coming back for the finale in two weeks and that it’ll be so satisfying, but I don’t believe it. I believe it will be green screened probably.
Tuesdays on TVLand at 10:00 p.m.
Y’all I am so into Younger, and last week’s episode is exactly why. You think it’s going to go all in on the Kids These Days, and yeah, there are jokes, but really it’s about women helping women, with romance things and career things and also stuck diva cups.
In “Girl Code,” Liza realized she was neglecting her relationship with lesbian/longtime BFF Maggie, so she agreed to attend opening night for a new exhibit at her gallery. But then at work, after she helped remedy a diva cup debacle, Kelsey invited Liza to drinks with her crew. Kelsey finally agreed to just attend the gallery thing with Liza and her “old lady” roommate from Craigslist, but ended up coaxing Liza out for way too much to drink in the middle of the event. When Liza returned home, fully hammered, Maggie was furious. Not only because Liza ditched her, but also because Maggie ended up offending the gallery owner and he canceled her upcoming show, “Deceptive Intentions: Reconstructing Gender Norms.” (Or “Bitches Brew.” Maggie hadn’t decided yet.)
When Maggie called Liza out on her behavior and Liza confessed to Kelsey that she really fucked up, they tag-teamed to help Maggie find a space for a pop up gallery opening for her new exhibit. And then five women of all different ages and sexul orientations (Kelsey’s best friend is “60 percent gay”) hugged and high fived because of girl power.
Also, Liza used her company’s car service to Pretty Woman Maggie, and it sure was cute.
It’s hokey, but I’m super into it.
Newlyweds: The First Year
Tuesdays on Bravo at 10:00 p.m.
Sam and Laura visited a sexual healer named Michael in last week’s episode of Newlyweds because when Sam gets stressed out it messes with her sex drive, like it does with nearly all humans. And since Auostraddle dot com debunked the myth of Lesbian Bed Death with our Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey, Sam decided to see the sexual healer, which is apparently “a very L.A. thing to do.” This is him. He made them laugh (at him), which led them to having sex. So, good job, Michael!
Bold and the Beautiful
Weekdays on CBS
Last week’s Bold and the Beautiful inched closer to Rick proposing to Maya and Maya coming out to him as a trans woman. Basically, it was an entire week of everyone — including Rick — talking about how Maya was honest and had integrity and Rick could live a drama-free life with her, while Maya flashed back to Nicole saying, “You’re my brother!” Will this storyline ever end? Probably, but it doesn’t matter. I can only handle one more week of this damaging bullshit before I stop watching.
Fridays on Syfy at 10:00 p.m.
Oh, my angels, I know you want full Lost Girl recaps. I do hear you. But even if I, um, obtain the episodes that have already aired on Showcase in Canada and watch ahead of Syfy, there’s still no time to recap it. I’m not kidding when I tell you there’s not a single extra minute in my days right now. But we’ll keep talking about it, briefly, in Boob(s On Your) Tube, and I do promise to write some standalone pieces about the show during this final season, okay? Thank you for understanding.
So, in “Hell Shoes 2: The Streets,” Bo descended into the underworld while Kenzi took her rightful place on her throne back here on earth. Bo’s dad was the Big Bad behind the whole plot, and he spent half the time trying to torture his daughter and half the time trying to find his daughter — because Bo stopped in her pursuit to get home to make a little Sapphic love with a woman who kind of sort of maybe turned out to be her stepmom. For the healing powers! And while that was going on, Lauren was having ghost sex with someone she thought was Bo, but actually was this whole other ghost who just stole some moves from Bo. It felt really iffy in the consent department, actually. The Lauren/ghost sex thing.
Luckily, Kenzi stopped Lauren in the middle of it by bursting into her room and demanding that they do some Ouija tricks to get Bo back home. With an assist from a demon-catching Tamsim, they were successful. And Bo returned to this realm to eat dinner with her friends and choose a bottle of wine with Lauren in the sexiest, most sizzling way imaginable.
That seems abrupt, but that truly is how quickly and neatly the arc was wrapped up!
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