• Lindsay posted an update in the group Group logo of Straddler-on-Straddler adviceStraddler-on-Straddler advice 10 years, 4 months ago

    I think I’m going to post this question in a few groups to try to maximize advice… Please comment if you have any thoughts!

    I’m a queer cis femme college grad who just started seeing a female-bodied genderqueer person who goes by the pronouns they/their/them. I’m doing my best to get used to using these pronouns, which I consistently do when referring to this person among my understanding queer friends, but my question is whether I should use these pronouns among my straight/cis friends and coworkers. This person is not out at work or school (where they are referred to as “she”), so I feel uncomfortable outting them to my own friends/coworkers simply in passing conversation, but I want to be as respectful as possible and would feel terrible if I said anything to invalidate their genderqueer identity. I know the obvious solution is to ask, but since we only just started seeing each other a week ago, I don’t want to seem like I’m getting ahead of myself by saying, “so I’ve been talking about you a lot and I was wondering…” Does anyone have any advice for navigating this situation and, I hope, potential relationship? I really like this person and don’t want to mess things up.

    Thank you!

    • honestly, you’ve answered your own question. really, do just go up to your partner and ask. they’re the only one who’ll know the right answer, and it won’t seem like you’re getting ahead of yourself at all.

      • thanks for your advice! i know it’s pretty obvious, but i just didn’t want to… you know… seem like i was falling too hard/too fast by suggesting that i’m talking about them ALL THE TIME. but i think i will just go ahead and ask next time we’re together. thanks again!

        • don’t worry about it! if anything, they’ll be flattered that you’re 1) willing to talk about them with your friends (seems like a small gesture, but it means a lot) and 2) concerned about being respectful and doing right by them. you really can’t go wrong here, so go for it!